I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
Nauseated - sorry to hear you feel frustrated. Perhaps now that your dad is *in a facility* you can gradually begin to unwind and relax a bit and move into the next stage of caregiving in which communication with professional staff is very important. The comment the caregiver made was probably well-meaning and made from her perspective. She has no idea of your recent stress, but can tell you what she sees - I suspect she shared that with you as good news.
Nobody is challenging your beliefs; but consider that you will be relying on these people to be open and honest with you - as they care for your dad. I hope that you can put the remark behind you and keep a good relationship with the staff at that facility. Its all too easy to fall into the trap of conflict with caregiving staff, which is why I am commenting. Once there is a barrier to communication, everything is harder and the whole point is to provide care for your dad while you get a bit of your own life back.
If anyone in the facility makes you 'upset' - count to 100 (or more!) and then go discuss your issue with the DON or administrator. They may be able to help mediate and be your ally in the event that there is a problem.
take care & be well.
I had to force feed her some yogurt so that she would take her night meds. I've never done that before. She cried and screamed out and told my husband to help her. She told me I didn't love her and mistreated her after all she and my Dad had sacrificed for me. I calmly told her I loved her and she could live with me and I would help her any way I could but I was not her slave and I wanted to be able to go out to dinner with my husband. She made an obscene gesture with her hand and said that's what she thought of me loving her.
If she were in a nursing home they would sedate , restrain or abuse her with this attitude. I am getting all the help I can at home but I am so afraid she will wear out the caregivers if she transfers this behavior. Does anyone have any experience with any "calming" meds. Mom has Parkinsonian symptoms and I heard seroquel is effective sometimes.
Going out for a couple of hours is not worth this ordeal. Advise please.
Hang in there!
CLL007(Cindy)
Loneliness: I join my "friends" as often as I can by watching some talk shows; my favorites are The View and Oprah. I can stay up to date with current events and often learn a lot about many subjects. I sometimes talk right back to them.
Hobbies: I have thousands of photos to scrab book. I find great satisfaction completing a page. I am not very creative or artistic, but I got the general idea from a couple books and magazines. I shopped the sales at craft stores so often, that I have plenty of supplies to work with. I do 8.5 X 11 inch pages so I can make color copies to give to friends or relatives. They love them. My mother and I have collected fabrics for years. Now I can make quilt tops and fabric bags to give to charities or friends. I work when time permits and don't put everything away each time I work. I have some space away from where my mother can mess up my things.
Library: I love to go to the library and look at the new book shelves. Always something I never imagined in a book. I have been bringing home large print books for my mother to read; that helps her a lot. There are many books about caregiving in libraries.
Physical activity: pulling weeds and cutting branches are therapeutic for me. Walking and looking at the the sky and flowers is great. If nobody is around, I can vent outloud!
Cooking: eat your favorite foods: healthy ones and sometimes a treat. My mother loves ice cream; she is so appreciative when I give her a popsicle! What a change.
Family help: Act as if you have an appointment. Tell them you need 2 hours to do something. Be willing to change the appointment to another time they can give help. Good luck on your private mission!
Stick to your guns and make time out for you and your husband. Dinner out, an overnight, what ever you can manage. We are going away this weekend and I can't wait. Good luck
Linda
With Love CLL007 ( cindy)
You have posted this many times, and I truly feel you. You must, as I've said before, take time out for YOURSELF. We get someone to come in, a girlfriend, and I pay her to sit with my Mom while me and my husband go out.
YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, TREAT YOURSELF, ETC. When you want to go, call someone, in advance, and go. Pay them and be done.
Please take care of yourself. If not, this will continue on and on and on.
Can you screen your calls? Let your son have a good Christmas. Don't give in. I know it is tough, but you have us to keep you strong.
neon,
Can you tell mom that you will only be able to run errands twice a week. Give her the days and stick to them. Can you have prescriptions delivered? Every little bit of tough love goes a long way!
Linda
Have you considered getting some help with her care to give you a break? Home Care Agencies, Adult Day Care Centers and Nursing Homes with Respite Care services may be able to assist you.
If she is a widow of a veteran, she may qualify for some benefits to help pay for her care.
keep trying to take care of yourself, even when it's hard (most of the time?)
Carol
Dedestock- try not to invite mom to your special days with your family. She is set on ruining them, so don't give her the opportunity. When she starts, just get up and leave. Have your family set the boundaries with you. Stick to them. I know it isn't easy and it may take time, but it works. Take care.
Linda