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Rbuser, Yes these are difficult times for everyone. Some more than others. You mentioned the idea that “Faith overcomes Fear” in your original post. It is not that simple. There is reason to have some “fear”, or better said as “caution”. (Some religious extremists are using “Faith beats Fear” to convince people to ignore science and medical advice, and continue to go to church events as prior to the pandemic. That is not good advice.) Faith may reduce fear, but sometimes a little “fear” is realistic and reasonable. Enough to make you take realistic action and precautions.
I so relate to your problems with your mom, and wish somehow you could/would STOP ALL GUILT regarding her. I know it can be extremely hard, if it’s been conditioned into you since childhood. It’s time to stop letting her control you. Take care of yourself first.
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I really appreciate this forum, because even with Covid-19 & all my other health issues from cervical fusions, knee operations and pre-cancerous conditions, I'm still running to my mother's home 2 to 3 times a day to help her. She has a 24 seven split shift staff. The only thing is that she had fractured her hip in the house about two weeks ago. We had to do FaceTime with her doctor and x-ray machine was sent to her home. She doesn't need surgery but can walk as tolerated. It was a lot of management of the staff to bring the food up to her room. It was amazing how they just were letting her lie on the bed and while they were on their cell phones. Now my mother seems to be stabilized and the staff is helping more, thanks to my intervention. However, even before the hip injury and COVID-19 my mother placed extraordinary demands on me that I couldn't even physically meet. If I told her I had to go home to make dinner for my husband, she would say to let him wait. If I told her that I had to go home because I was too exhausted, she would say too bad. I Spend as much is 3 to Eight hours a day with her in total. Every time I would try to leave she would get angry. I would always feel guilty. I noticed the guilt is mentioned in this forum quite a bit. I am always feeling guilty that I'm not doing enough. I am 64 years old, on disability and suffer from intractable neck & knee pain at times. When I'm there she has makes me do the work that the caregiver should do. Sometimes the caregivers take advantage and let me, the daughter, do their work. I am just exhausted. I am in charge of managing her stuff, but sometimes no matter how many times I say that certain chores should be done, according to the agency's guidelines, they just don't want to do them & next person to do. So, many times I wind up doing them. However, my mother notices that somethings are not done, and says there is poor management, which puts blame on me. I tell her that I tell them what to do or they know what they have to do, but they don't want to do it. So, my visits with her are spent doing the caregivers' work or explaining to her how I've spoken to her staff to do the work. Very rarely are the visits about her life or what's happening in my life. I told her that if she were in a home I wouldn't have to worry about 90% of this and we will have a real visits. I said I long for her to see me as her daughter. She sayVery rarely are the visits about what's happening in my life. I try to talk about her life and what she had accomplished in her life as a mother, but the conversations always go back to work some caregiver did or did not do. I told her that if she were in a home I wouldn't have to worry about 90% of this and we will have real visits. I said I long for her to view me just as her daughter. So, this has been going on for a long time prior to for Covid-19. She's clueless as to this pandemic.
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I hear you, Sespo. I am a sounding board also, they seem to enjoy complaining about everything. No matter what is going on the complaints don't stop.
I did finally take her groceries and then left as soon as I could. I wanted to get back home -the safety of my home-
She was appreciative and 'paid' me so that was nice. She knows I won't be back over for awhile.
Take care and stay home as much as possible.
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Sespo, your mom sounds as if she could manage her PAID help; mine does, and she has hardly any short term memory. No matter, she makes sure they do their work; nice about it, but adamant. If you could manage to absent yourself a lot more, things would probably go better; the help is running you and disrespecting you - they see your mom doing it, so they do it, too. I see that dynamic in a friend's family, and it's particularly nasty; I hate it for you. I learned how to set and keep boundaries this last year, and my life is a great deal better. My husband got it started; said I was doing way too much for mom, who took advantage, and didn't seem to care that it was hard for me to drive into town and go to 5 stores or whatever for her at the drop of a hat. Now one of her paid helpers shops for her, and they do the myriad of other things she "needs". I go visit once a week or so, and spend time on the phone with her. Now and then we help with paperwork - that's it. Even her doctor comes to her apt now! You CAN get out of this cycle, and I'll pray that you will....
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