Please list reasons why you have decided not to be a primary caregiver in your home or their home. Thank you for sharing.

Cali,

You are so grounded. Really, you are. You study the situation but you know what works for you and equally as important, you know what won’t work for you. That’s not being selfish at all. That’s being smart! I love that quality in you.

I also love your devotion to your family. They come first. Oh, how I wish I had had your insight. I could have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache. I had different circumstances and a lot of pressure on me. Unfortunately, I paid a price for some of my choices. All I can say is that I had the best of intentions but they weren’t the best solutions.

You also have the ability to know those around you, such as your parents and your brother. That is a gift. You are quite intuitive. I love your confidence.

Sure, we all question things from time to time or have self doubt. That is completely normal. From what I have observed of you, you have it together! Your children will learn a lot from your strength.

Well thank you Needhelp!! I really owe a lot of it to the people on this forum who have been brave enough to share their stories. I’m a very quiet person in real life, I prefer to listen & observe. And I love to read so.....I have taken a lot in over the years and learned from a lot of people.

I think if it weren’t for this forum, I would probably have made or be getting ready to make some bad decisions and I wouldn’t feel so strongly about putting my family first. Because I can see how easy it is to get caught up in a crisis and all of a sudden your life revolves around your aging parent and you never stopped to think how your decisions would affect your family.

i have the utmost respect for people like you who took in a parent and cared for them. It really is a selfless thing to do. You have to be a pretty special person in order to do that.
You did what post people would do in that situation. I hope you don’t feel like I was judging you or anyone else who made the decision to be a family caregiver because I definitely wasn’t! It’s such a selfless thing too, for those of us who haven’t yet had to actually make the decision, it’s hard to understand what makes someone decide to it. In your case there was a lot of pressure and I totally get that!

APS contacted us and asked us to rescue mthr from her hoarding and wandering. They were afraid she'd wander into traffic and ruin a new driver's life in the process. I knew I could not have her live with us because mthr had chosen to be abusive to me throughout my life.

However, a new twist to the story: When we were trying to get guardianship, it came to light that some folks were financially abusing mthr and one appeared with documents signed by mthr prepared by an attorney living with the presenter's grown son in a domestic partnership, an unethical behavior. An attorney should not have any strings to the people the attorney is helping bring control of property to, but it's hard to prove. APS rightly noted that this person was trying to pull a fast one and suggested that if we were not already planning to put mthr in a home, that we should so that this person could not allege elder abuse towards us. APS said that they had seen it before, that people who were mad that they could not profit from someone would try to get the family in trouble. Of course we were already doing what they suggested, told the home no visitors and to call us if anyone came unannounced, and had no problem.

One person from the home town came to visit (quite a surprise) and could not see mthr until they were cleared with us. This person would have told a particular person back home, and that person would have known to tell the financial abuser how difficult it was to get in to see mthr. So - I have mthr in a home for her own protection - bodily, mentally, and financially.

Oh, Cali

Never did I once feel in judgement by you. I can tell that you understand why or how taking a parent in occurs.

I will say that full time caregiving can break us and I suppose we become overwhelmed, fragile and at times overly sensitive too because of all the criticism from our parents and siblings, etc.

You know my story, I took mom in after her home was destroyed in Hurricane Katrina.

That was such an emotional time for all of us. I didn’t have the foresight at that time to turn mom away or make it a temporary stay until I found placement.

Plus, as you know she was reaching the age where she shouldn’t have been alone due to her Parkinson’s.

She could no longer drive so I was at her home all of the time taking her here or there or running all of her errands. I had my kids at home then. It was hard!

My girls had tons of school work because they were in the advanced classes, played volleyball, dance and gymnastics, music lessons, art lessons, theatre, etc. I look back and don’t know how I managed. I guess it all built up later on and well, as you know I was falling apart and crying to this forum constantly. It eventually catches up to you.

I am so thrilled to see that you have not gone down the roads I have. I really thought I was doing what I had to do. I am glad that you had the help of this forum. If I had the benefit of having a forum way back, maybe I would have made better choices too.

It scared me when my daughters said that they would take care of me. My response to them was, “Like hell you will!” After doing it myself I simply couldn’t allow that. No way! Never! Not a chance!

It’s expensive to take in a parent too. I am so proud of you that you and your husband are preparing for your future. Please keep telling people about the importance of doing that while young like you.

Yes, I realize if people have financial hardships, that it is impossible. If not though, it’s best to prepare. We are all going to get old one day!

Take care, Cali.

Surprise,

Wow...we never know what we will end up facing, I am glad that APS was involved to help protect your mom.

I understand why you had to place your mom. I would not want to reopen wounds. I respect people like you most of all because so many others just simply walk and feel absolutely no obligation to make arrangements for anyone that has abused them.

Not that I have any right to judge them for walking. I’m not. I understand that everyone has their own set of circumstances that determine what actions they take.

Spot on lealonnie, my answer is the exact same as hers.

Elaine,

You have come so far. I remember your first posts. Gosh, like my first posts too. I was a basket case! Doesn’t it feel like at a certain point the blinders came off for us? I admit that it took me far too long but better late than never, right?

I agree about lealonnie, she has been our voice of reason on this forum. She set me straight. That’s for sure. I tend to relate the most to people with a direct approach. I suppose because I look back and see that sometimes I needed a swift kick in my rear end. LOL I am grateful for the honesty from Lealonnie and many, many others.

I'm not a caregiver, I am a family member. I am my husbands wife. I am my mother's daughter. Husband comes first of course; I take care of his needs and he mine. Luckily we have two LTC policies in place, and a future property that is suitable for us in our old age. We have a plan. We have our estate in order.

As far as my mother is concerned: I cannot possibly care for her and be sane or have a healthy marriage at the same time. I cannot possibly live with her - she's across state lines anyway. And will not allow her to live with us. We considered it several years ago - but now there's no way with her current behavior and needs. Again, my husband comes first. And now, he is a fall risk, and has a few health issues so I have to be there for him, not my mother.

My mother failed to plan for her old age. No estate planning, or poa or trust or anything. To bad for her. As of today, I still have no idea what's to come with regards to her, or her near future living situation. She refuses to move out of her large 2 story home to AL, or even a smaller condo for that matter. Currently shes in LTC, (after a short stint in the hospital - 2nd time within a year) and I am staying away from her until she agrees to assign me her POA, or I can get guardianship. I'm her only daughter/child/family and she doesn't seem to trust me, and she's abusive to me. Why should I even try to help her. I don't like her. I love her as a daughter would - she's my mom. BUT she's a very selfish, narcissistic, delusional woman and we have always had a somewhat toxic relationship. I know there are others here who can relate - cause I read about it daily. Toxic mothers. She's a very difficult woman to be around. Growing up I was always embarrased by her because of her behavior. And I myself had to unlearn many bad behaviorial habits that I learned from her. Also, for those who want to respond with (but she gave birth to you and took care of you while growing up. Well, sort of. But she hired a live-in maid for me until I was 13, because she didn't want to bother with the messy stuff. She didn't take care of her mom when needed either. AND she had a hands off approach with my father in his frail old age. So - I have no reason to be a caregiver to her. Quite honestly, she doesn't deserve my attention.

That's my situation with my mom (89). With my husbands mom/MIL - it was very very different. Complete opposite. She lived in AL, but we visited her and hung out with her almost on a daily basis when we were in town. We also flew her out to our sailboat when it was in the Virgin Islands - she was so fun to be with - but she needed care for sure. She was wheelchair and walker bound, overweight, but sharp, smart ,funny and nice. We wanted to be around her. I truly loved her.
She passed away from pancreatic cancer at 78- in her own bed with us by her side. I always treated her as if she was my own 'dream' mom. We miss her, and wished she had lived longer.

Anyway - I'm not abandoning my mom , just being very careful how to proceed without doing to much damage to myself or my marriage. I'm already hurt emotionally by her , with all that she put me through this last year. I have considered professional counseling, but I do have several friends that have been supportive and given me a shoulder to cry on. I'm thankful for that.

This forum has also given me strength and wisdom, and I'm thankful for that too!

Blue....well good for you! Putting DH first and demanding mother put some things in place legally before you even consider helping out. I sure do understand the Love but Don't Like statement. Amen and amen.

You saying your mother hired a maid to live in until you were 13 brought to mind my ex husband. His mother did the exact same thing......because she was SO upset that he was a boy! He was her last chance to have a child and she wanted a girl, so the disappointment was devastating......if you can imagine such a thing. Anyway, one time when MIL was visiting us and DH was about 42 years old, mother brought up the live in maid that stayed in his room until he was 12. He was flabbergasted....he had NO memory of the woman and had blotted it out entirely! Of course mommy dearest felt the need to tweak his memory and keep saying OMG I can't believe you don't remember Elena. He went on to have serious mental health issues after that and we divorced at a later date. *He always had mental health issues, I should say. They just worsened dramatically after the memory refresher*

Wishing you all the best moving forward.

Needhelpwithmom, thank you for your kind words!!! I am so thankful for this site!!!

Blue,

I adored my mother in law. She was so sweet. I admired her so much for breaking cycles. Her mother and mother in law were hateful to her. She promised me that she would never treat me that way and she kept that promise. She only showed love towards me. She told me that I was the daughter that she never had. I was always closer to her than my own mom. I called her mom. She died far too young. 68 from non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I miss her.

We have been helping and overseeing my mom since we got married, 26 yrs ago; she just never was quite able to manage financially. When she was about 77 and still ambulatory - even driving - we had her come stay for what was supposed to be about 6 months. I guess she got overwhelmed about moving after that and even though we all three were miserable, the time together stretched to 3 yrs, with us asking her to leave. Finally she and I nearly came to blows, and she talked to her pastor, who advised her to move back to the apt complex she had come from. Wonder of wonders - she did it! She did not allow us to help her with anything and rarely spoke to us for about a year, but now things are much better and though on DH's advice, I only see her once a week, we talk on the phone most days. Now she is 86, frail, and forgetful/confused, but GOD has provided a village, and I mean a VILLAGE to care for her in her apt - it's absolutely amazing the people who come and do various things for her on a regular basis - the other day I showed up and her hairdressor was cleaning the cat box! She had offered to do it! Her doctor makes house calls as of last month and will come from now on; no more hubby and I shoving her in and out of the van and manipulating the wheelchair (boy am I bad at that; keep running into things). I have also learned a few things; I will never have her live with us again; would probably kill our marriage, and maybe me), and I will not be her POA (she's asked now), since she's always been non compliant with me about everything - I'm the Dummy Daughter, but no longer. These days on my one day a week visit I may or may not even have anything she has asked for from the store (she has a shopper now, thank God, and gets groceries delivered - I used to do it all). I know she will probably end up being managed by the state, but though I DO love her, even though our relationship has almost always been difficult, I refuse to try to work with her anymore. I thank all of you who have taught me so much from your own lives and experiences, because if she falls again and ends up in the hospital (God forbid), I know not to let them send her back home if she can't manage, and not to have her come here. We will empty her apartment and have it cleaned, and take her beloved cat if the crisis happens, but between herself, her SW, doctor, and weekly nurse, anything further can be handled without us - so when the dust settles, we can go see her without having to be responsible for her many needs.

Mally.

Your mom has a wonderful support system where she is! She is blessed and so are you. Yes, it becomes so stressful being a caregiver. Sounds like you have things under control.

I like her pastor! Wise man. I would have been tempted to write him a thank you note and send a donation to his church.

My father was forced into retirement at age 60 by the beginnings of vascular dementia, although we didn't really realize that at the time. Dad had become increasing angry about working for a younger manager who didn't have the work experience and industry knowledge he did. The company was under going a merger so when Dad's length of service meant he was fully vested in all the company's retirement programs, he was dismissed/retired with all the traditional parties and service acknowledgements . After retirement, he was increasing aggressive and verbally abusive with everyone. At age 63, he had a noticeable TIA and ended up in the hospital for a scan which showed 8 "dead" areas from previous TIAs or mini-strokes in his brain as well as an overall shrinkage abnormal for his age and was diagnosised with vascular dementia. Shortly afterwards, he developed anxiety and panic attacks and eventually ended up seeing a geriatric psychiatrist and getting a formal paranoid personality disorder diagnosis (PPD). I started working a traveling job and moved into a mobile home placed on one of my parents' rental lots (across the street from their home) primarily so Mom could keep an eye on things when I was out of town (and water my plants). The psychiatrist determined Dad was incompetent to handle his business affairs when he was 68, I was 34.

Mom was the primary care giver and I supported her as much as I could while working out of town. Because of his PPD, Dad couldn't acknowledge he had problems or designate POAs. My mother didn't want to file a guardianship petition because she didn't want to put my father through something like that. I got a work from home job and built a house down the street from my parents. The stress of taking care of my father as he entered the advanced dementia part of his journey began to take a toll on my mother as she reached her 80s. Mom needed more help and support, my nephew's marriage broke up and I suddenly became primary care giver for his children (ages 2 and 5). Mom's PCP told her the care giving stress was beginning to have a major impact on her health so I began to push to Mom to gain guardianship and place Dad in a new MC just 3 miles from their home. My sister began a losing battle with lung cancer and shortly afterwards Mom was diagnosed with MCI (short term memory deficits and no dementia). Dad had a heart attack and was diagnosed with CHF and his medication management became very important. He would not cooperate and take his medicine as prescribed.

The final straw was when my 84 year old demented father pushed my 82 year old mother with spinal stenosis and caused a fall; he would have followed up with blows but I wrapped my arms around him and pinned him against a wall. Told my mother I was petitioning for guardianship of Dad whether she agreed or not so I could place him in MC. I took a leave of absence from work to handle my "family" issues: guardianship petition, parental care, child care, and my sister's final days. As soon as I was awarded guardianship, I moved Dad into MC and Mom moved into my home. Dad would take his medication for the MC staff and his health immediately improved. Mom's health immediately improved too as soon as the care giving load/stress was lifted. My only regret is I didn't push at least a couple of years sooner. I should have moved for guardianship and placed Dad at least 2-4 years before I did but I bent to my mother's wishes to care for her husband in their home.

TNtechie,

Wow, what a journey you had with your family. I have tremendous respect for the posters on this site. All of you have inspired me in one way or another. The common thread that I see is that after going through such anguish that most have endured, we are all survivors.

Somehow during huge challenges caregivers are able to pull it together even in the midst of chaos and find solutions that are needed.

It’s so hard for the elderly to be faced with heartbreaking situations. Your dad went through the mill. It’s equally hard on the family. You handled it. You were not defeated by this devastating situation. Hats off to you!