The Power of Emotional Blackmailers.

Since just before Christmas my mother has been emotionally blackmailing me. It has not stopped. She is being very controlling and threatening. She does not want to see me until I give into her unreasonable demands. I am so glad I found this site and forum. It is exactly what I need. I have tried other sites and they have not been so good and I cannot afford therapy. Thanks all.

poster - can you tell us more about your mother and her demands on you and the history of your relationship? Is it hurting you not to see her? I think you are wise not to give in to unreasonable demands. Can you just get on with your life and let her stew in her own juice so to speak? Does she have dementia or a personality disorder? . Many of us deal with this. (((((hugs))))) to you

ok well, my mother has dementia. It is not that bad. She does know who I am. Anyway she is in a care home. She lives quite some distance from me so visiting is not easy. During the summer I broke my leg so could not go to see her as planned. I am fine now so planned a visit. I cannot see her at Christmas because it is too awkward so I usually see her just before. I had planned to see her the week before Christmas, but because I had not been for so long I brought the visit forward a couple of weeks and decided not to tell her because I thought it would be a nice surprise as she gets lonely and has no other visitors. I went and saw her and she was glad to see me. My visit was only two days because of the transport I had booked (coach). I arrived to see her on the Saturday and we had a nice day. We had a nice Sunday morning and afternoon and I was due to leave on Sunday afternoon. Just about an hour before I was due to make my way to get the coach to return home, my mother suddenly said she wanted to speak to me. She told me that she did not like how I looked. I said in what way and she said your hair... she said it is too long and it should be shorter. My hair is not that long and it just about reaches my shoulders. It was longer and I did not like it so I had it cut. My mother also said it was straight and that long straight hair did not look nice on me. She then told me not to return to see her until I had it cut as she was very embarrassed. My mum is of mixed race and obviously so am I. My father was white so although I am mixed race, I am more white than my mother. The other issue is that my hair has come out more like my fathers than my mothers, My mother has curly/afro hair. My mother has told me that because I have my hair shoulder length and is is straight then I am pretending to be white and trying to forget that I am mixed race. I said that is not true. I have my hair like that because it suits me and short hair does not. Since coming home my mother has constantly phoned me and has gone on about my hairstyle and has kept on telling me that it should be short and that I am not to see her again until it is. My friends like my hair. I like my hair. My mother also said I should switch hairdressers and go to a black hairdresser because white hairdressers do not know how to deal with my hair. I said my current hairdresser is fine and when I started going to her I asked her to examine my hair so she could advise me on products etc. I did tell her about my racial background and she said as far as my hair is concerned it is thick but like a Europeans hair. When I told my mum what she said my mum said why did you not walk out and tell her you were not going to her again. I said why should I and my mother said because if that hairdresser told you you have European hair then she is no good and you should not keep going to her and the fact that you can still go to her means you are in denial about your roots. Yesterday my mum said she thinks that because my dad was an alcoholic that I have inherited his alcoholic traits and I have an addictive personality because I refuse to get my hair cut short. To keep her happy I said I would go to a black salon for a hair consultation and phoned one and when I talked to them and described my hair they said as far as they can tell I have picked up my fathers hair type not my mothers but as I told them its difficult to tell unless they see it so I am going to see them. My mother said whatever they tell me about my hair, I still need to get it cut, She also said to me.... when you see them are you going to tell them you father was an alcoholic. I said why would I need to tell them that and then she accused me of trying to hide the fact that my dad had a drink problem.

Golden, you asked for more information and nobody has tried to suggest any way to help me.

travelling right now - will get back to you

Poster, when you say your mother has dementia but it's not that bad…

Giving the hairdresser notice that your father had a drink problem? Sounds pretty loopy to me. Do you not think your mother is perhaps struggling to find profound things to say to you, and producing stuff that doesn't make a whole lot of sense?

I know hair is a big emotional issue. Really it is, and not just in a cultural sense but in a mother-daughter context too. Has she always made remarks about your appearance and given you this kind of unsolicited advice, or is this a new departure for her?

poster, you story is so unusual, particularly because it was your mother who chose to marry a white man. I think I would point that out to her. I don't know if it would do any good, though, since she has some cognitive decline. Often people get confused, but still very set in their thinking and ways. What is sad is that she does not accept you the way you are. You do have to live for yourself even if it does not please her. If you do decide to go back to see her, maybe you could pull your hair into a pony tail? That may keep her from noticing that your hair looks long and straight.

I understand the need for pride in our genetic heritage, but that doesn't mean that you should feel shame because your genetic heritage is more European than African. I have a feeling that in 100 years no one will consider it.

I wondered if your mother came to resent your father and if that could be why the white characteristics bother her. It is just strange that she chose your father, but is blaming you for being who you are.

Thinking again about your mother saying to mention your father was an alcoholic answered my question about resentment. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I don't know why she would equate it to you having alcoholic traits. I have a feeling there is a bitter story between the two of them.

hi yes I have no idea why my mother decided on a white man. As far as I can tell from what she has told me, she had a white boyfriend when she was quite young who was unfortunately killed in the war and then as an adult met another man, also white and set up home with him. I am not sure what happened there but they split up and she then met my dad. I cannot pull my hair up. I did do that when I saw her three weeks ago and she objected saying it looked too severe. I have read some of the things on this site about how to deal with emotional blackmail and it has been very helpful. It is a fact that alcoholism can be hereditary and that alcoholic traits can also be hereditary, but I do not think that is so in my case. What I do find very bizarre though is that my mother wanted me to tell the hairdresser that my father had a drink problem. I know she is my mother and she brought me into the world and fed and clothed me and put me in a decent school all of which I am thankful for. I also had birthday parties when I was young.. Some kids don't even get a birthday party. But asking me if I am going to tell the hairdresser about my dad has to be the strangest thing she has ever said and I can only put it down to dementia and so she really cannot be blamed for it. You know, however horrible it is to be on the receiving end of emotional blackmail etc, when the person has dementia you have to cut them some slack but on the same time try and find a way of dealing with it to stop it affecting you.

We only get one stab at life and we should be able to live the life we want doing what makes us happy within reason. Some people are happy taking recreational drugs or drinking too much. Yes these are wrong but when you are simply trying to lead a decent ordinary life which I am. I am not married and do not have a partner. I do not smoke, or drink or sleep around. I am a hard worker and like to socialise in moderation. I think many parents would be proud to have a daughter who was like me and yet my mother says I am an embarrassment to her. In the past I have been embarrassed by her but I do not say anything because it would be rude. We were at a carol concert at her care home. Kids from the local school came to sing and my mother said they were no good and could not sing. I thought to myself they are only young children and they are trying their very best to make old people happy and I really enjoyed them. Half way through the concert my mother said I do not want to stay here anymore and said come on lets go and she walked out and made me walk out with her. She even looked at another resident who was enjoying herself and was clapping her hands in time to the music and my mother said to me look at that woman clapping how odd. I was very embarrassed because people could hear what my mother was saying and I did not know what to say. But I just let it go and said nothing.

detach - she is not rational -was she always difficult? Sounds like you are doing very well. I am on a bus so hard to type

she has been difficult in the past and then was ok and now she is difficult again. I guess you are trying to reply using a phone? Don't feel you have to do it on the bus. Wait until you are home or wherever you are.

thanks again

at the end of the day I phone my mother and go and visit her when I can. I always ask her if she has had a good day etc so she should be thankful and not push me away and criticise my hair. Whenever I see her I am clean, wear good clothes and try and make the visit enjoyable and try and bring some laughter into her life because she doesn't laugh very often. If she want's to be so silly as to push me away then that is her choice but she will be even more unhappy and she will be cutting off her nose to spite her face.

poster - she is ill - her brain is ill, From what you said I can't be sure if it just the dementia or something life long as well. I have no doubt that you are fine in yourself and respectful to her. She may be one if those people who are never happy no matter what you do. You have to let go of the "shoulds" and accept her as she is. It is not you it is her and I doubt she will change much for the better but you will see the dementia progressing in time. That does not mean you should accept the abuse. Decide what is good for you to do, make it clear to her by walking away when she starts in at you that you will not tolerate this kind of criticism/abuse and that if you are to stay and visit with her it has to be a pleasant visit or if a phone call the same and then walk away or hang up. All you can do is set boundaries and detach.

I am in a hotel and my laptop power cord has died - seems one thing after another this past day. I will go out and get another one today and be back. (((((((Hugs)))))) I know how hard it is.

Thanks v. much. I know she is unwell and I make allowances. I do not take it personally anymore. I am going later to the black hair salon for a hair analysis. I will report back later. My mum said have you ever had a black hairdresser examine your hair and I said no and she said the reason for that is because I close my eyes and pretend that I am fully white and go to a white salon. I do no such thing.. Yes I go to a white salon but I always tell them of my racial background so they know how to do my hair. My mum said telling them is no good because they are only trained in dealing with white hair. Black people are trained in dealing with afro and mixed race hair so you are better going to a black salon. For instance my mother uses hair products for people with afro or extremely curly hair. She advised me to use it so I started using the shampoo and conditioner. When I told the hairdresser what I was using she knew nothing about it and my mother said that proves that she is only trained in European hair because if she was trained in other types of hair she would have heard about the hair product you have been using because it is very well known. As it happens my current hairdresser told me to stop using the afro products because it did not suit my hair as my hair is not afro or curly and she suggested other more suitable products... Lets see if this salon later today agrees lol......

poster, it sounds like you could be listening to her too much and taking her words to heart. You are fine and your hair is fine. Our parents can certainly keep us jumping to try to please them. It can't be done. If your mother was ever satisfied about the hair, then she would go onto something else to criticize.

My mother is never satisfied with me. I am about the faultiest person in her eyes. I don't know why they do this. It must make them feel better in some way to say bad things to their daughters. Mine has never told me to not come back until I do something, though. That is extreme.

Poster, the Phillip Kingsley range includes a shampoo that is recommended for Mediterranean and/or African hair types, I wonder if that would suit you? You can find them online or in John Lewis, not cheap but lasts for ages so decent value (and they're nice products to use).

With the critical and apparently a bit mean-minded comments your mother made about the singers: one of the aspects of dementia that can be very hurtful is a loss of inhibition - comments that beforehand, like most people, your mother might have thought privately but would not have been so rude as to say out loud just come tumbling out; plus I found that my mother became dissatisfied with all kinds of things that once she would have liked or enjoyed in a small way - flowers, films, visitors, you name it. She took against daffodils, for some reason. I got her the DVD of West Side Story, which *she* had taken *me* to see in the theatre and I knew she loved it; and ten minutes in she called me back, really upset, and told me "turn it off, I don't like it." Bugsy Malone was deemed 'highly unsuitable.' Old friends who loyally travelled to see her, she was embarrassingly rude about and, worse, to. Even though I knew it was all wrapped up with the degeneration in her thinking, it was still pretty demoralising. You end up just having to think "oh well, I tried!" and let it be, and do your best to explain what's going on to any innocent victims.

One other thing, though, and this is treatable to some extent, is that with some types of dementia comes depression - clinical depression, that is, as distinct from appropriate sadness. That can be expressed as unusual irritability, and you may also see 'flat affect' - for example, you might be doing something she would normally really enjoy but you find that she is not showing any feeling towards it at all, as though she is emotionally just numb.

Ask the care home staff and her GP if you suspect any of this might be happening - it can't hurt to find out, and it's just possible that there are good treatment options that haven't been tried yet.

hi countrymouse and thanks.

I do actually know about Philip Kingsley hair products and use the shampoo and conditioner. However my mother uses the elasticiser. I have been told by a black hairdresser that elasticiser is not for me because I do not have the same hair type as my mother

I went to the black salon.. the hairdresser did not give me a proper consultation like the current hairdresser did. The hairdresser today kept saying it is up to me who I go to for my hair and how I do it. She did not even touch my hair to feel it. She was not prepared to commit herself as to whether it would suit me shorter. I felt it was a waste of time. She was not very friendly either.. When I had a consultation with my present salon, it was done more professionally and the hairdresser spent almost half an hour examining my hair, feeling it, giving me advice etc. All this black woman said if you are happy with your present salon then continue. My mother is angry with me. I told her what happened this afternoon and she said she does not care what any hairdresser says to me, she is my mother and she knows what I should do. She said she has pity for me and that I have an addictive personality and I am in denial. She even said if your father was still alive he would also pity you. I cannot speak to the care home in relation to my mother because she has told me not to. She told me to go on the internet and read up about addictive personalities and then I will see that I have one. I cannot deal with her anymore. I think she and I are finished.

That is probably a wise decision. She is verbally abusing you. Even when someone is our parent, we do not have to put up with statements like this one. I can tell it is important for her to be right. For some reason she needs you to feel small. I have doubts if this is dementia talking or if there are deep-seated feelings that are surfacing.

hi jessiebelle you may be correct. We are both stubborn. I have inherited that from my mother.

poster - I see you are posting on several threads which is great as you will hear from more people. Seems to me they are all saying the same thing - protect yourself and don't take the abuse. The hair thing is just the tip of the iceberg IMO - and I agree if you did please her with your hair she would find something else. It is sad when we have to avoid a parent because of their negative behaviours, but many here have found that they have to do that or severely limit contact. Take care of you.

I think often with emotional blackmailers we grew up that way - that if I did what my mom wanted - she would be happy. We took responsibility on our shoulders for the happiness of our parent. It is only as an adult that I am realizing and accepting that this isn't my job. But it is really hard to change all of the established patterns in the relationship. There are books, this website, counseling. Remember - it is OK to love yourself also!

Yes, we grow up groomed by our emotionally blackmailing parent(s) which makes such wiring very hard to unplug. For many, after some time of trying on their own, they go to therapy. Research has shown that therapy works and brings about change faster than trying to go it alone. It is ok to love yourself and to have your own life. Part of parenting is supposed to be raising the child in such a way that they are launched from the nest so to speak ready and eager to fly. Parents who emotionally blackmail their children don't want us to fly, but remain in a child/parent relationship instead of maturing into an adult to adult relationship.

Poster, if you haven't already done so, I suggest also reading several of the earliest posts at the start of this thread. Take good care of you and do something nice for yourself every day.

yes I have read some earlier posts.

Poster, do you think you are getting the flak from anger your mother still feels towards your father (only he's not around for her to take it out on)?

no I don't

Happy New Year and hope everyone's 2016 is a good as can be.

One thing my mother said to me is I pity you. I know she is ill but she told me specifically not to mention any of this to the care home. I respect her wishes, but they only see one side of her and she does not want anyone there to know that she has been verbally abusing me. How can she get help if nobody knows

She pities you? Hm. Interesting.

Hey, she's the one who's in a care home fretting about whether her daughter's warned the hairdresser that her dad had an alcohol problem..! And you're the one who knows that your mother is not well.

Darling girl, you don't *have* to do anything. You can detach as much as you need to. But if you want to do something, if you think you can both benefit your mother's health and wellbeing and feel more at ease yourself, then there are people you can talk to without disrespecting your mother's wishes, or her right to autonomy to use the jargon.

You can ask for a meeting with her named key worker for a general chat about how she is doing, and take it from there. It may not get anywhere, but it can't possibly do any harm and it could be a start.

You can find out if your mother's been referred to a memory clinic.

You can ask if there is a mental health nurse visiting the home, and if so if you could talk to him/her about your mother and get his/her perspective on what's going on.

The point is that you're starting a conversation. You're not divulging private information that your mother has asked you not to share. Moreover, you are right to be concerned that she may need help and you are acting in her best interests if you create the possibility of her getting help.

But you don't *have* to. The primary responsibility for your mother's physical and mental wellbeing lies with her care home's staff, not with you; and that reality is her creation, not yours. Leaving them to do their job is a legitimate option. And if you're not comfortable talking to anyone about her, you can let things be, and take care of yourself by limiting how often you visit her and for how long, and walking away if you begin to feel hurt or upset by her.

Are you talking to anyone about how you feel, and about what's going on? Friends, your own doctor, carers' support groups?