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Paula, you're not alone. I begin to think thank my Mother thougth I was the hired help. Everytime she sees me you has something for me to do, even when I am sitting to take a break from the job I'm doing. So thank you! I don't feel so alone, I know someone else is going through this.
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wow I thought i had it bad with my mother I feel for you. go to the support groups as much as you can. i was my moms care giver for 1 year actually a little over a year 209 2010 were very hard years for me i was taking care of mymom i did every thing for her i couldnt get any help.i didn't got to the support groups i couldnt get any body to sit with my mom. i did speak to alzhemers hopt l;ine coumselloers . I recently lost mymom December 10. she wa at the late stages of this desease i had to put her in a nusring home she was too difficult for any kind o nursring care at my home, I can understand what your going through iwas so burnt out back inthe fall wehn my mom lived with me. s her meds stopped working she stopped eatting she kept falling i had to get her tothe hospital i told the social workers she needed 24 hr care i had agency come her my mom was fighting every one she as admitted permittly to a nh was ther about 3 weeks. mymom was 92 yrs old whne she passed. away. iwas able to talk tomy mom much i can relate to you all she did was oder me around alot. the alzheimers assocation I spoke to all the time right up to the end. she drove me crazy i couldnt sleep i almost went inthe hospital in September i was getting sick. do have any aides coming over to thelp you? It sounds like you need a break maybe respite care. Dont do whati did get burnt out. i tryed gettingmom into day programs she wouldnt go. thaaaaaat was one avialable option forme. i was going to have her put in for repite care thanthis happened her late stages took over ihad her put in permanely I lost her. Take care of yourself Ihope you get some help
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My sister is the primary caretaker for my elderly parents. I live with my family 325 miles away, give them financial support and try to visit as often as possible (5-6 times a year). My parents still live in their own home and absolutely refuse to go into asisted living. My sister lives a couple of miles away. I know my sister is frustrated and I feel gulity not being there. My mother is a very difficult and has 9 cats who urinate and poop all over the house. There are litter boxes all over, she feeds the cats on her kitchen table and threatens to call the police on the my siter or the aides if they try to stop her. We have called social services, office of the aging and they say there is nothing we can do. Eldercare experts have said that unless they agree, we can't make them leave their home.The house is filthy because my mohter is also a hoarder. We have taken three 30 yard dumpster loads out of the house over the last 2 1/2 years (That only emptied 2 1/2 rooms-it is a three story colonial, built in the 1850's.) We have 2 aides that come in a total of 6 days for three hours a day, to bathe my mother, do laundry and make light meals. If my father leaves the house, my mother will start calling my sister every 5 minutes until he comes home. I know my sister is very frustrated, but short of moving home, I don't know what to do tohelp her.
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Nicky, the one thing you are not is alone. The real question becomes, when can you let go of your mother's control over you?

The thing is that is more than likely a baseline personality issue. You will not be able to change it, so it becomes a choice of how to cope.

I am my mother's only provider. However, I did get to a point, and still can easily be provoked to the point of if she goes past a certain line I have determined in my mind, she is on her own. Seriously. She can become a ward of the state if that is the case, but when push comes to shove, my mom knows that I am serious when I draw the line in the sand. No matter what extent she goes to, she "knows" when enough is enough and she won't like the result.

I refuse to be held hostage to her behaviors. I learned that about 6 years ago and I had to decide if my sanity was worth it. It is and so I learned boundaries. Oh those are not easy, but it can be done.

We can be pitiful or we can be powerful but we cannot be both.
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I could have written that myself. I'm a babyboomer. My mother is driving me crazy. I have four siblings but I'm the only one who takes care of her. She treats me like a slave. I can't have a conversation with her either because she suffers from hear loss or she doesn't agree. Plus everything I say is stupid. Everything is my fault. There are no support groups in my country. I feel trapped and alone.
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A very wise person once told me that the reason I get upset when my husband does something that drives me crazy, is that I expect too much of him. If I didn't expect too much, I wouldn't be disappointed when he does something or doesn't do what I wanted him to do. I try to remember this. I say I try - but sometimes, I forget and then I get upset.
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thanks headbanger, i needed that , i have been there too. i try to think God has never given up on me, why would i give up on someone else. He says i feel sorry for myself and i know i dont just tired of all the hateful comments is something i can do with out. i never get a thank you or please. and if i get sick it is still all about him. sometimes his computer will have a word come across the screen that says something funny on its own like "ardvark" or makes me really think if someone is trying to tell me something when the word "Jesus" just came up on its own. so i always have mixed feelings an feel like i am going out of my mind. things arent the same as they used to be and i feel like we have the same illness, only diffence is he is trapped in his own body by not being able to move . and i am trapped by not being able to be free and go when i want. "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" is sometimes hard to do.
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Hi all! I thought I'd stop by and comment because even though I'm a "joint" caregiver to Grandma the statement "...I don't even smile around her anymore, just taking one order after another." just stuck with me when I read the topic for this thread.

Just this morning at 7:45 am....before I brushed my own teeth..before I went to the toilet myself, before I combed my own hair or found my own glasses... I hear "Will somebody get me outta this bed?" through the baby monitor we carry (like a lead weight around our necks in a pool to hear our summons to assist her). Before I can stumble up the steps to her bedside, she has repeated herself about 10 times in 60 seconds shaking her bedrails. Hey I love her, but at this moment instead of "Will someone get me outta this bed" it sounds more like "Will someone please club me in the head" and I am more than willing to comply! LOL. Of course I didn't club her but damn I so much feel like a slave.

The other day I noticed that I could barely smile when I responded to her calls for assistance. I was tired of being responsible. When I looked at her, she looked so tired and lonely I leaned over and gave her a hug. She clung to me hard. She recognized me then for being more than a wheelchair pusher, cook, and butt wiper...she smiled and her eyes were misty with emotion. It was one of those moments that made me think. Hey, maybe I can do this for one more day :D
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I know our smiles are limited these days, perhaps if you can write down anything humorous it does help! I took mother whom has Alzheimer's and dad to see a John Tess concert. At the break she was looking for something. I asked her what and she said, "Love the orchestra but they're too loud. I need my remote control to tone them down a bit !" ;)
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Yeah...I know...when she does put them in the dishwasher they go in with all the dried on food and I have to take them out and clean them. Man...sometimes it's the little stuff that gets to you. Can you spell STUBBORN? My husband keeps saying" thank goodness you are not as stubborn as she is!"
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oh and i use paper plates because i am sick of washing dishes that i dont use he purposly does a terrible job whenever he atempts to do dishes so i wont let him. then he moves the paper plates to the side and uses the plates im ready to put the plates in storage
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i love this site if not anything it makes me feel like im not alone and it is hard for me to vent to my girlfriend she just lost her dad so her thing is im lucky he is still here arrgh
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Of couse the food is dried on like cement!
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I thnk they have "selective choice" built in. They can do what they want but have all knds of excused to not do other things. My Mother will come out of her room SEVERAL times a day with her walker...she takes things back and forth to her room on the walker...but she can't bring her dishes back out to the kitchen! She will wait for days then bring 4 days worth out and put them in the sink for me to wash when I get home from work. Once in a while she will do them or if my husband beats me home then he will do them. Point being that she can do them...just lazy. Then she comes out later when she is getting her drinks and shys " Oh I was going to come back out and do those". If she were unable I would just make a point to get the dishes in the am and evening. I just don't know how much to take on and how much to let her do. Suppose if I want to be less frustrated then I would just do it all...laundry too...but I don't do it to her specs....At least she eats what I fix for dinner and never complains about that...lucky there!!! Where's that rubber chicken when you need it????
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You are not alone...I am being driven crazy by my father. You and I must come from the same slave mold. I dont smile anymore around him either. It should be a labor of love but it isnt for me. Conversations usually end up with us locking horns. I am also the youngest of four and the full responsibility is on me. I have decided on a residential care home for my father. Its a home in between assisted living and a nursing home. I have to or I will go mad and my marriage will go to divorce court. I have been living with father for 14 years now. I think we could have a better relationship if we didnt live with eachother. There will be guilt no matter but I think its for the best. Just know that you are not alone. I hope you find your answer that will restore peace and harmony to your situation. But remember that the answer is not always what everyone likes or wants... I would rather be glad to visit or have my father glad I visited then the bitterness brewing now.
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Oh reminds me of my dad. I tell him what im making for dinner for me and the kids and he asks for something else and tells me he doesnt like that "chicken" for example. This is not a diner get up off your lazy but and make what u want. "i cant see" I have macular degeneration" the eye doctor told both of us we are born with macular degeneration so stop with that u can see when i missed a spot on the floor cleaning but u cant stick a piece of toast in the toaster. Kithcen is close to Liers
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anonymous5546.......Oh my goodness, I think we have the same Mother. How did this happen! Actually, I am lucky. My
Mom wants to go to a nursing home, she doesn't want to live with my brother or me. She thinks the nursing home will be like a cruise. (no she does not have dementia) She thinks we want her money because we tell her we will take care of her. Well she has talked me into it, a nursing home it is.
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I know what you are going through and know you can do it with help! Get out and give yourself permission to be you. It is so important to take time for yourself and it is also beneficial to your parent.
I have been my mother's caregiver for almost 11 years now and it has been a learning experience. One of the best things I learned is that it is not only about me and my struggles with her, but hers with me. My mother was orphaned out to a lot of relatives when she was young and so now that she has Altzheimers she is afraid to be left alone and sometimes gets anxious and cranky. At first, I took the crankiness as her being difficult. Then I remembered her past (which she is living in) and it has been easier for me to not take the crankiness personally.
Get some respite care and go be you!
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jazzy how is your situation 1 year later?
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I go places once in awhile but not for a whole day and nite. Things can go wrong even if you are there. Things happen that you wonder how come it came out ok. Because life is what it is and you have to roll with the tide.
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WE MOM AND I have some changes do to her health in that she always forgets where things are and so on she could expect so much out of me only, she has 5 kids too but no one elst is to do her care but me, my Dad felt the same, my point is i cant seem to be with out her or she with out me, I feel like when my kids were at a daycare and I could not be without them, it feels funny when your the parent and they are the kid. these feeling drive my crazy, I dont go any where cause I am afraid something will go wrong if I am not there, how can I change this for the good of mom and my self,
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I know what you are going through. I do have a job during the week so i have 9 hrs a day i dont have to deal with it. But the week-ends are no fun and i do not get to go see my daughters and grandkids because he cant be left for the other caregiver to take care of him cause he thinks they dont know how to do anything. dont know what would happen if i had to go to a hospital. so there are no vacations for me or day off. There is no answer to our problem but to grin a bare it and try to find some humor in the day.
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You are right,naheaton,and I wish I could move. My husband's job was eliminated and our place is paid for, so for now...we are stuck. I appreciate the in put and it helps to vent. For now....I'm hangin in there.
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lrael2005, This will make you a better nurse some day. I hope you get to fulfill your dream of doing just that. Good luck.
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Sick and Tired, you are not alone. I don't want to be a bitter old woman because of my mothers control over me. I have resisted this since I was a child. It made a whimp out of my brother. I have always had a Love, Hate relationship with her. Now I'm here dealing with it. I promised myself that this would not overtake me. I put her in her place when she gets out of hand. Now the shoe is on the other foot and she cannot deal with it. She has lost her control over me. Even in her Dementia I can see that she hates not being in control. I have decided that (God Willing) I will find her help in the Spring so I can pursue Nursing. I cannot let her smother my dreams. I still have a life to live. Keep positive. Do not lose your vision.
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Betanya, dump the dad. Move away if you have to, but enough already. Unless you're a martyr, in that case keep on taking it, and thinking you're helping him. Sounds harsh, but what you've been doing so far isn't working. Time for a new approach. DUMP THE DAD!!
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I know how this feels. My mother moved in with me in June. I had relocated to Maine from New York City to pursue a dream, and as sooon as I bought a house she told me she was no longer able to care for herself and needed to move in with me (she owned a house in Michigan). Fine. I orchestrated the process of getting her moved in...made a myriad of updates to the house to accommodate her special requests/needs. She suffers from clinical depression, along with numerous physical ailments. Living with her on a day to day basis is wearing and depressing.
Now I'm going through the process of her acting out, as I have determined that I wish to relocate back to New York...and am close to lining up a job. I have secured support from a company that helps you find affordable assisted living and independent retirement communities, and have toured a number of facilities to identify the best fit for my mother. As I've gotten closer to securing a job, my mother has become increasingly depressed...won't get out of bed, eat, take her medication. This is an ongoing pattern that has gone on for years. I just can't stand being around her at this point....I'm jumping through hoops to find her a great living situation and she provides no value, support or help. Her plan, while not verbalized, was that she would live with me for many years (just as she did for her parents, despite the fact that I told her this would be for a period of no longer than a year). I don't need answers from anyone. I just need to vent, and hope that someone can share a similar situation to make me feel I'm not alone.
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Wow, I can't believe it. I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I am not alone! I feel like I just found long lost sisters that were separated from me at birth. My mom is 84 with Dementia and also driving me crazy. I have always had this Love Hate relationship with her. I am her only daughter and you would think that she would adore me, Wrong!! I have always been the Cleaner, Cook and Caretaker. She adores her firstborn Son who doesn't even come around to see her. When I try to stimulate her memory, I'll ask her how many children she had in her life and their names. Funny how she only remembers her firstborn. I can't tell where (She) ends and Dementia starts. It's always been about her, her feelings, her pain, her problems. It's a thankless job being my Mother's caretaker but I believe in a GOD who is a rewarder of Good Things even though I feel like chopped liver:) Love You Sisters.
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My 84 yr. old father was an abusive husband and father when he was young...now...he's just as bad, just older. I moved across the street from my mom and dad when my sweet mother was still alive so I could have more time with her. She's been gone for 12 yrs. now,and as soon as she died...he acted like a man who'd been in prison for 48 years instead of loosing a spouse after 48 yrs. We've tried to help him manage his money and now he has almost nothing because of his gambling and womanizing. My father has physically attacked my husband and been verbally abusive to both of us. He even called the police on my husband, faking injuries and lying about what happened. If we had not had the relationship to the community we had, he may have been arrested. The officer wrote in the report that the injuries and the evidence at the scene was not consistant with what my dad had said. You see all these agencies for abused seniors, but, what about when the seiors are doing the abusing??? He has begining stages of demetia, but still lives on his own. He is having unprotected sex with these old ladies and when we try to talk to him about that...he says it's his businesss and we need to stay out of it, but, when they "break-up" he wants us to help him get belongings back,take him places, help with bills, etc. I am so tired of being treated less than human. Please, any advice would be appreciated.
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