Hi All,
I'm glad I found this site!!! I've read some of the postings and (WOW)you start to wonder if things will ever get better. My mom is driving me crazy. I find I spend less and less time trying to have a conversation with her...it's too much work! And then I think to myself when she's gone that chance will be gone forever, so I try, it's very hard but I'm trying. I finally joined a local support group in my area...it's the best thing I've ever done. I have four siblings but I'm carrying the full load. I'm her primary caregiver, which I say she treats me one step above a slave...I don't even smile around her anymore, just taking one order after another. I find myself telling her the kitchen's closed! This isn't the Ritz! I will go to my second caregiver meeting on Tuesday...I can't wait! I need to breath, I need to be around other people. I seem to dream about just having one day to myself, one day to do absolutely nothing!
Mitzipinki, you are correct, with so many siblings one would think there would be loads of help, of which I would welcome with open arms, no strings attached. Honestly speaking, I do not want "control" over my mother and that is why i refused to hold the POA over her in case its needed. My younger sister has that title, and I'm grateful to her for taking care of that. I have 6 brothers and 2 sisters. My older sister lives, as I said, 30 minutes away from my home here in Florida and she has made no effort to visit mom and has called 4 times in as many months. My younger sister lives in New Jersey and is the only other child that has done anything, unfortunately she's too far away to be hands on. 3 of my brothers live in NJ and the other 3 are in S.Florida about 3.5 hours from me. Its rare if any siblings, other than 1 brother and younger sister call mom, much less try to see her. I have no expectations with regard to care giving for our mom. Sadly enough its to the point that the only thing that I do expect is nothing from any of my siblings. As I said, I would welcome help of any kind from them.
I want to smile and laugh again with my mom and fear that if things keep going on like they are, it will never happen.
Today I have to bring her in to her cardiologist to see what she's decided to do with respect to the pacemaker and defib he wants to put in her. I'm not looking forward to the stress it will inevitably cause. As mom refuses to believe that there is any issue with her heart, even though she knows she has congestive heart failure.
So needless to say, I feel as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders at present and fear that I'll have a nervous breakdown trying to hold it up.
He who does nothing accomplishes much
this doesn't mean you do nothing it means you do not plug into her negative energy and do not react because thats just what she wants I walk around shaking my head yes and thats the end of it. I have my own thoughts naturally but I never voice them anymore cuz I couldn't win anyway. try it see if it helps your stress level, if necessary talk to your doctor and see if he or she can give you something for anxiety and or depression or stress I take a tiny does for anxiety and depression it makes a lot of difference to Good luck to you
This is a rhetorical question (you don't need to answer us/me)... with 9 siblings there would seem more that might be willing to help. Is this about you controlling things or don't like how your siblings contribute? Are your expectations of caregiving overwhelming your siblings?
This is not easy especially when you are healing. Sad to say my mother is just too narcissistic for her own good and she's diagnosed that way.
My two cents ends here... find small boundaries you can put in place to help in your recovery. Although boundaries can be really scary, they can also help bring health and stability (whether one- or two-way) to any relationship.
It's so hard to talk to anyone outside the immediate parameter of care. I don't understand why I jumped in to take care of her, let alone explain it to my younger friends. I sound petty when I tell these stories to others. The hospice nurses try to help, but when the patient refuses, you have no choice. All they can do is what she agrees to have done.
It can always be worse and in many of your cases it is. My heart goes out to all of you! God bless you all as well!
My mother on the other hand has always been deceitful, so now with her escalating, its really nothing new. I'm not surprised by anything and to be quite honest, I now joke with the staff, and use their wonderful skills of creativity to get mom back so to speak.
It helps lighten the mood with the caregivers and it also gets mom to get out of herself. Although she's REALLY stubborn. The staff has to use extraneous extreme creative excuses to get mom to do even basic like bathing and going to the dining room.
All I can say is for those who have their health as older individuals, thank God every day for every moment. He has given you the breath for another day.
God bless all of you!
The latest one she has done to me is this:
I started doing her nails when she was first on hospice, hoping bright colors and fun flowers would cheer her up. A year later it is the dumbest thing I ever thought of.
Friend: Zelda, (As she holds up her hand looking at her nails).
Zelda: Yes....
Friend: I have a chip.....right here.....
Zelda: Yes....
Friend: Fix it!
Zelda: We just did your nails two days ago.
Friend: You're not going to fix it?
I just shook my head and walked away.
When she was well she was never like this. So frustrating!!
Austin, good news for you! You go girl!! Verbal abuse is so hard if ever to recover from. When you get a good medical staff behind you and social worker, man is it awesome to deal with. They won't fall for your husband's crapola. You keep taking care of you. Learn that the word no is okay and no one ever died from saying it. Your health comes first because if you aren't cared for how can you give to others. Its like an engine with no oil... it won't run. You soak up that oil (so to speak)! :)
To all, thanks for always sharing! All of you inspire me.
When a person is caring for a parent or spouse with whom they always had a loving connection, it's hard work. But when a person is caring for someone with whom they had an abusive past, it's even more important to take care that what you are doing ir right for everyone. This is a huge challenge not everyone can face.
Hang in and keep sharing you story. You are helping so many.
Carol
This has been exactly what I have done it has been 7 weeks since I spoke to any of them. Hard buit true. I just bout don't have the desire to anymore.My husband says, I am worng for letting them do what they want. Well if I am only time will tell.
I just have to wait it out. It is in Gods hands and not mine now.I can't fix the world and I know that all to well.This has been really hard to take and hurtful to some point but I know all will turn out for what God wants and none of us. That's what it really boils down to.Though she has broken my heart and split the family up , I just know what eklse to do but let it go. Sad but true.
I love them but I can not answer for them.
Thanks for the support and please pray that I will keep the peace that God has given me through this and it will continue.
Dare, just reassure yourself that you're doing all possible. You can't force her to do thing one beyond her choices. At least let that get into your heart. We're here to help with ideas, but beyond a free will there is nothing else.
Neon... I'll let you come here and enjoy our house. Because of the way our house is positioned, we usually get double of what everyone else gets! Get to it before my husband whips out that snow thrower!