My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

Irishboy. Sigh. I am indenting my paragraphs..it is not showing in the final. Wanna buy me a computer? Really! Sorry I am not meeting your standards. Just don't read them!
I can clearly see where your sibling might see you as difficult. Bless your heart. Give it up. Are you trying to run me off?
Missing a message here you are. Not to mention assuming I didn' t deal with any bodily fluids or ever go to the hospital. I was speaking generally. You misquoted..go reread.

Truce? Irish boy you are taking things way off topic and making it person. I am not typing expertly but your lack of comprehension shows an assumming nature.

Livelifefull. I love your attitude. I would recommend keeping family doors open..I would also recommend tempering the I did it all so parent OWES me everything.

My siblings owe me. Here is why that is not good. You may have children..they have cousins...family exists beyond you and the aging parent and your siblings. The ripple effect can go on forever. Brother dragged all family out of state in and required of them all, that my sis and I not be told our other parent,my mother, had a stroke and major surgery. This was his self created "payback"from all his " I do it all and resent it so much that someone has to pay!"
I sure hope HE remembers his childish when HE is alone,sick, his mom and Dad and everyone is gone. ( he has no children)
Now, as part of his trumpting his greatness and showing his self ( when he should have taken people up on their offers to help.)
He burned bridges and very likely could end up with no one to care for him.
Control self or you arent much use to anyone. Like in the airline oxygen mask speil,,save self or no way you can rescue anyone else.

Irish boy...I had 4 children and a husband.you can clearly figure out or rightly ass ume that I have wiped a few..been in hospitals..cleaned up..seen bodily fluids...managed care.
Agreed it is different with a parent...again you assume..but wrongly that I was implying some people have strenghts they ARE actually better at or yes, willing to do because they are more comfortanle with other tasks. That doesnt mean they don't love or care. Or selfish. A good bit of people avoid unpleasant things...is it right,no. But it is a fact..focus on what you can change not on what you can't.
I am not at all happy at what this has done to my family of origin..or my immediate. Until.my brother or I or something jolts a change of heart or understanding with maturity.. I may not br able to change that...at some point everyone eventually realizes they can only change themselves...or the situation they are in.

Venting is a great pressure valve..but if venting isnt enough...or productive after a while you have to act different to effect a change or change yourself. Sometimes you just have to accept what is.

I also think if your families face book stuff bothers you THAT much you should stop looking or get help to change your situation. There is no rule that says it HAS to be from family. Good point made here regarding that.
One rather nasty set up brother pulled when he was called everyday.and asked what can I do..was to tell me or sis, "nothing, Dad is resting from treatments.
So after suggesting a few or asking what time I could come, and getting the negative. I went driving into the area of my old growing up home..I visited everywhere my Dad and I had any history.

I posted this day trip adventure on fb and how worried I was about Dad and asked for prayers.

Within a day brother was chastizing me and sis ( she went out on her cycle) doing the same) for " not being for Dad and being selfish.

No one knew and apparently he had a " lack of recall" that HE told us we were not needed and Dad was too tired for help or company.
O

I am hitting the enter button and it isnt spacing or indenting so apologies.

When parents are gone, siblings are all we have left.
Don,'t hate, for your own well-being.
Otherwise, I may be forced to hate your siblings just for support.

To be completely honest..I did not have 1,4,6,or10 years of this..sometime I wish I had for that would mean my Dad was still here.

To also be completely honest my brother had years and years of carefree closenesswith my parents. No job, no kids, able to spend his money all on himself while mu sis anf I struggled a good biy or had the h*ll of mismatched spouses...little freedom due to the demands of out kids, responsibilities of allkind and yes FEAR.the kind that you get when you dont have enough money for a crisis.

But brother had it easy.and bought toys, and had no mortgage worries. All safety netted by mom and Dad. If he got tired of something and just didn!t do it no biggy.

Tables turned. Maybe it is karma? Clearly he cant see outside himself.

First off to NothingSpecial, let's not argue, thank you for using paragraphs.

Sorry Sendme2 help, I have two cousins who acted more like brothers than my own brother ever did. I have friends who are more like family.

While it is true the sibling relationship should be the longest relationship you have, that doesn't mean when it is totally toxic that you should have contact.

I believe my brother is a sociopath, I have an elderly aunt whom he called out of the blue, he lives about 15 miles from her, she was frightened, she hadn't hear from him in years. Thankfully he has stopped calling. I live on the side of the country from him. No one in the family has contact with him.

He did nothing when it came to helping my parents, but was right on the scene the day after our father died looking for $$$$$$$$. He made my life h*ll and I had to call the police at one point out of fear. When I asked him months later why he didn't come see his father as he lay dying in the ICU for 4 days he said to me "what I was supposed to do perform a miracle"......I was DONE.

I was the executor of the estate, he was paid out what he was left and than some(hoping he would leave the area), he also stole items out of the house, and went over to the local bank(behind my back) demanding information on the checking and savings account(which you can't do).

So no I don't have to have any contact. If people ask me if I have any siblings I tell them I am an only child.

I only discuss him on this board, otherwise I don't let him enter my daily life. But that is too simplistic to say you have to have a relationship with people who did you and your parents incredibly wrong just because you share DNA.

You don't and you shouldn't.

I do agree, irish, about no contact, when you have a sociopathic sib. My one sis is like that and I have to protect myself from her. It is as simple as that.

Irishboy, you are exactly right, and are telling my story for me! I guess I was trying too hard to be generous and supportive to Juliebell, passing on what I have heard others say. In addition to no contact rules in toxic relationships, I try not to hate them or rehearse what they have done (not unlike what your family did). Do you know my family? I too, have the longest, best friends, more like family.

How wrong to assume your siblings show up just for money. Are you looking for a handout at every funeral you attend? Every time I hear this I am amazed. Believe me some one the other side of this gulf sibling wars create. dont really expect anything many know they wont'and wanted their parents assets used on them. Some wish the POA would have spent it to outsourse help instead of doing it all and taking it all too.
My brother wouldnt spend a dime on sheets to put under my father. He asked nothing of Hospice that is the norm to get "free". Said it wasnt needed then came to me wringing his hands.
Why cause when moms gone they might send him the bill and he wanted their stuff and place intact for himself.

He gave them really bad financial advice and convinced them to give it all to him to protect it for HIM.
This is not really all that rare. It may not be you or any of you...but I am not,nor did I or would I do what he had it in his head I was. I gave money and stuff like cars and airconditioners...equipment...washers tons of stuff through the years.
Brother had issues. Clearly.
I wasnt allowed to attend my own private or small family ceremony at my Dads farm cause they buried him there locked the gate and said to h*ll with all other relatives.
HE was selfish with his remains, for gosh sakes. That is extremely messed up. But that is what his resentment got him.

nothingspecial, I totally get what you are saying since I am in a very similar situation with my sister to what you have described with your brother. It seems to be hard for others that either don't have the same kind of sibling - or are on the other side of the divide - to relate to what you are experiencing. I can very much relate and know what an impossible no-win situation you are in, because I am basically in the same boat. I feel like everything my husband and I do to help my mom is either discounted, besmirched or undone. For example, she moved to an senior apartment a few years ago. On our last visit there, she said she had some curtains still in their packages she had hanging around for months, so we took her to buy a nice decorative rod and my husband mounted it and we hung the curtains for her. We bought her a paper towel holder and my husband installed it under the cabinet for her. Also hung some photos and hooks on the walls. Just little things, but she was so happy to finally get them done. My husband also bought her a hummingbird feeder and installed it on her patio. I have two brothers that could have done this, but for whatever reason they never did. My sister must have noticed how happy she was with all the things we did for her, so months later we hear that she (my mom) is moving to a smaller apartment up several floors. All of the things we did were left behind when she moved to the new space. I can't help but think my sister pushed the idea of her to move to keep her from thinking good thoughts about me and my husband. Your brother sounds like a sociopath like my sister, and let me tell you "winning" is everything to them. Part of their warped concept of "winning" is making other people "lose". In their mind it is a competition and they use their control and access to edge any (real or imagined) competitors out. It isn't enough for them to get all the inheritance, they want to cut off your access to your parent and deprive you of being involved in their last years of their life, even their funeral and access to their ashes. It's all about control and being number 1 in the parents' eyes. It makes very little sense to a normal person, but it is very real - I can say that since I have firsthand experience. So once you recognize that fact you have two choices - hang in there and fight for your right to be involved, or back off and let them run the show. Since they have all the control and access, it will be an uphill battle to try to stay involved. They (our sibling) hold all the cards are in their hands, we don't. Your statement in a recent post: "Sometimes you just have to accept what is." - you are on the right track there. I am letting my sister "win" - I hope she enjoys it because she has lost me, my husband and kids forever. And we are nice people!! Once my mom is gone I doubt anyone in our family will have anything to do with her. But sociopaths never consider the long-term consequences of their actions - they feverishly work their agenda blinded by their greed and need for control, failing to see where it leads them in the end. Hugs to you, nothingspecial - I very much empathize with you. Sometimes we just have to let go and move on. Feel free to vent as much as you need to here - I for one am on your side. And I don't indent or use paragraphs either!!!!

Nothingspecial, there was no funeral. My father was cremated. He died in FL, the family was all in NY, CA, or Ireland. There was no point in holding a service there, and I didn't expect people(most of them elderly) to travel for that.

I had a nice memorial service back in CA much later for both of my parents.

In my case my brother most certainly did show up for his "cut", he showed no emotion and acted like he was conducting a business transaction. In case you didn't read my comments he went over to the local bank demanding access to accounts that had NOTHING to do with what was left, he also stole valuable coins and pawned them at the local coin shop. Because I did some checking and found out fairly easily, it was a small town, not too many places to do that in.

I even had to warn the realtor who sold the house(which was left to me but I gave him money from it....foolishly) that he may try and contact her....well he did. He got nasty with her, just like he did with the ladies in the bank.

So there are people who most certainly do just show up after the parent has passed for their "cut".

Irish boy

I believe you. But that cant apply to everyone. Most of us know who is going to get it all when POA is assigned. If they were favored in life,they will be favored when parents pass. Of course some parents will never know if the POA or executor goes power money hungry and "eliminates" anyone the parent trusted to dispense things fairly.

It speaks well of you that you gave him his due,even if you felt he wasnt worth It.

Many times all we want is something sentimental or to give to our children that belonged to the grandparent.

When my grandma died all I ask for was a potato peeler,when they got to the dispensing stuff the kids didnt want..grandma had taught me how to peel potatoes.

No one can mindread feelings. Some people cover hurt with false gaiety. I am a grown,no old woman, and my heart hurts everyday..with this pain of planned and cruel total exclusion and. Utterly false character assignation.

I do believed this was planned to hurt us as much as possible. I dont want to give my brother the satisfaction that HE really kicked me when I was at the lowest point in my life and losing my Dad too.

So, yes, sometimes posting good time distractions on fb to let my friends know I am surviving and thriving is good karma therapy for ME.

Repairing the damage to my character done by this disowning out of brothers greed, not my neglectful ways...is harder.

NothingSpecial, thank you for your comment.

I am truly sorry for what you're going through. It's awful to have horrible relationships with our siblings, but what can we do.

As Emjo23 said, it is about you're own self preservation.

I wish we could be like louisana. They honor no wills and go by succession only. If everyone knew all was equal then maybe they all could work better to really do what is right by everyone. In a perfect world we would have more attention on the plight of elders and caretaking.

Dad was also cremated. That is the only thing I was asked to participate in. Signing that form. No funeral either but would have thought it nice if we as a family could have gathered on site and told a story about my dad or heck just be able to stroll in and say hi to Dad.

We may.Disagree again here as I realize emotions run high. Thanks for letting me vent from the other side.

Thank you second best. My Dad and I were closest. I am very engineering oriented and love to build things..my brother was lazy and resented our closeness. He had the added oversized male ego too so he could be a real jerk with his snide remarks

. I get the "knocks everything you do",it is just so obvious you wonder how parents cant see it..my mother was just like my brother After they married each other. Yes married in that they cloned the same behaviors. If you could get her away from him..she wasnt that bad but he shadowed her and stuck to every interaction..just looking for an opportunity to start his..watch me win stuff.

Really sad. And yes we were ALWAYS told it would be a three way Equal split of the property...He scared them both into changing that. I dont need it but my sisters boy and his family would have loved a shot at country living. All the kids had some really good times there. Is this greedy.no. It was what was told to us. Dad wanted it for family. I always told them, you need to sell any in your old age to care for you do it. It is yours..
I have all I need...but a few sentimental things would have been something for me to pass to our children. Just small rememberances would have meant a great deal to my sis and I and out children.

Nope, spoiled one had to take our parents totally from us In everyway. In that you are right.

I am giving away all reminders of either parent as these are very pain full to have around now and due to this our kids dont want them either,now.

They loved their papaw, but even they were rebuked and shunned from their offersof help and visits.

My brother will probably die alone..my sis and I we are the family now..we have all the kids and their kids to have family with.

Do you have anyone?

Oh. One thing that bugged me greatly is I have no pictures of myself as a child..maybe 3. None as a baby as all of that was at Dads.

Also. He and mom hadnt lived together as husband and wife for going on thirty years..she moved out and so many laws would have considered them divorced. They were friendly to a degree and tokk some care of each other in old age moneywise..but mostly still fought..I think they tolerated each other for us.

she isnt living there now..neither is brother. They are,shamefully on the gov.payroll residents in public.housing so that sucks too knowing your family are not only jerks but so selfish they cheat taxpayers while greedily holding to property And two livable homes.

They didnt do this in good legal form either. Brother gave her really bad advice there.

nothingspecial...thanks for your reply to my post and sharing more of your story. It helps to see the similarities in our stories to realize that ours is not the only messed up family out there. You mentioned having only very few pics of yourself as a child - that reminded me of our family photo situation. My parents spent endless hours when my dad was alive sorting out family photos and had divided them up in big plastic bins to give to each of us siblings, but they all ended up in my sister's garage after my father died and my mom moved to a senior residence. A curious thing that happened recently - my mom sent an envelope of baby/childhood pics of me enclosed in the birthday card she sent me. I wasn't sure how to take it, because the pics were all of just me - alone - no family members in any of them. So knowing that they came from my sister's garage, I just wonder if they were hand-picked by her to send a "message" of some sort - like I am all alone without a family or something. My sister is good at mind games and passive-aggressive moves like that. A couple pics were even crumpled up and then flattened back out. Just thought it was a wee bit strange. Anyway, I plan to try to get my bin of family pics next time I am there to visit my mom. I can have my brother go by and pick them up for me. I haven't ever been to my sister's house she bought when my mom gave her $30k for the downpayment a few years ago. It's just hard for me to be happy about it, knowing that early in my marriage after we had a feud with my sociopathic sister and my mom, always taking her side, suddenly claimed that my husband had borrowed $100 from her and never paid it back!! She called me several times a day for weeks on end at work b*tching and demanding that we repay the money he "borrowed". For one thing, we have never been so broke as to need a loan for $100. My husband said he never borrowed any money from them, which I believed since he had a well-paying job and he is not a liar. Then my mom claimed that he borrowed it secretly and didn't want me to know about it!! She actually called him a liar - not to his face, but to me on the phone - trying to cause problems in our marriage. So we finally paid her $100 to get her off our back and to stop bothering me at work over it. These were people that had over a million bucks in the bank! Anyway, when I contrast that to my sister being handed $30,000 to buy a house - not a loan but a handout, it just really cuts deep. I just can't pretend to be happy about her obvious preferential treatment. Just another example of the unfairness I grew up with that continues on to this day.

That is so sad that you weren't given some family photos and your childhood pics. Do you have anything for leverage you could offer your brother in exchange for them? If he and your mother aren't living there anymore, couldn't you somehow be allowed access to find your photos? Just seems so cruel to keep you from having them. But if your brother is anything like my sister, he will take great pleasure in keeping them from you and maybe even tossing them out, or just telling you he tossed them to let you know how "unimportant" you are. Your loss of your family memories and childhood pics is a big "win" for him. That is so sad for your kids to not be able to share pics of their mother as a child. I do hope you can somehow retrieve them from the house. Glad to hear you are posting on FB pics of you moving on and enjoying your life. Your happiness is the worst blow you can deal a person like him.

Another thing you mentioned that was interesting is that your mother "married" your brother after your father died. I totally get what you are saying there, because since my father died I feel like my sister has somehow "become" him and acting as if she's my mom's new husband. My sister even mentioned to me at the time that she is "just like Dad". Creepy. Sociopaths can actually morph themselves into other personas as needed to get what they want. It was uncanny how she hovered over my mom and acted like she was protecting her from a pack of wolves at the funeral and ever since. She looked like she would have crawled into my mom's body if she could. Almost like she was claiming her as her exclusive property or something. I think the idea was to convey to all of us watching her displays of kissing and arms around our mother that she is mom's favorite and in total control of her. Whatever. Let the charade continue - thankfully I'm hardly ever there to see it.

To answer your question about if I have anyone, yes I have a wonderful husband of 37 years and two grown kids that are both married. No grandkids yet, but I expect we will eventually. I also have my brother and his new-ish wife - she tells us we are the only normal ones in the family!! They are considering moving to our state to get away from all the drama of dealing with my sister and mom. So apparently it's not just me...thanks again for sharing and commiserating with me. Who'da thunk that nothingspecial and 2ndBest would have so much in common. My kids, like yours, have lost interest in having anything to remind them of their grandparents, who were actually the closest grandkids to them growing up. The bitterness of it all is hard to shake off for all of us.

Exactly as you describe. Total drama queens. The sad things is watching the absolute greed of my brother while faking being so , protective of mom, while in reality doing very little to actually protect her. This is a mental illiness. Unfortunately one very little can be done.
To legally tangle with such persons would mean total ruin. I simply wont go there, nor my sister as both of us were advised we would probably lose.
Both the case anf all of our income of our own. It is, unreal that you can do nothing to remedy such horribleness for families and elders.
Frightening that hospices do nothing when they see abuses.

2nd best - hello from another sibling who was never even noticed in my own family of 7 children - first 4 made up the real family, Then 4 years later came me, and 6 years later, my next younger bro then one more who was disabled. When I began to go across the street to visit a new British neighbor with a girl a bit younger than I, my siblings began to see me as independent, and that I had made my choice, and been a traitor to my mother. When not across the street, I ate in the kitchen with the 2 younger brothers, and believed it was because I was too young to eat with my older sibs and parents - I learned in my 30s they left me in the kitchen because I was so good at taking care of the younger two.
I've had difficulty speaking up for myself my whole life, which is why I have loved writing so much - I can sound clear, if I edit and break things into paragraphs :)

I'm sorry to hear the sadness of the left out sib, I have one older brother who was the same - he ran from home for good at 14. Some parents in the past felt that if they had even a few "good" kids, they had done well enough as parents.

I thought I might prove my worth, by giving the skills I learned about living on my own (I left family country at 21; mother had remarried, left me at 16) - but I offered to "help" family, by taking care of youngest disabled in adult life - mom sent him to me almost the same week, on the bus!

Yet we learn in life from where we are. I learned to understand disabilities and care from that youngest brother who had no socialization at all. Training him taught me about adult difficulties for some, including me. I learned to be like a business manager, by managing his money (my sibs cautioned me to use NONE of it on myself - that's a family heritage legacy: hire help for the family, then suspect them of theft. Don't know if your families are middle or upper class - those folks can look nice, but have miserable lack of awareness of others!)

Not trying to write a long post here, I have lots to do today to catch up, but I just want to say that I've valued this conversation between sibs with different family roles. Amazing how those last through life, and it's hard when they were set up unfairly in the first place, yet every sib grows up with their "place" in the family, amount of parent trust, attention. All my sibs moved so far away from each other, so none would bring the others down... when I see families where sibs actually work together or support each other's goals, families, etc --- envy city.

But. But we can look for friends, ideas, help outside our families. I lost out on money several times in my life, and I follow Underearners' Anonymous now, to help me work positively with my time, to build career slowly - and that feels fine, more sane than living a rich life of entitlement, without goals or sense of value.

I forgive my family in general, because I believe different cultures brought different ideas of child raising, which last through generations. Irish didn't even expect the parents to do it - they left it to the Catholic church! Never tried to help parents learn to work together, so parents undermined each other, fought, drank. Very simple summary, but realizing that home organizing and child rearing was not clear to parents - in Europe, or older countries with cultures developed over years, villages and neighborhoods added extra care so kids had resources. But when so much Irish focus for men was aimed at resentment of British and war, while women looked to church - parents got divided, and in many situations, did not learn to work together, but to muddle through, and some sibs get left out. I had a job driving a school bus (loved it - I FINALLY had access to attention and respect...!) and one thing I did was drive in many different neihgborhoods, and the different ways of self organizing and group relations among the kids in different cultures - amazing. Easy to see, when your bus is carrying mostly one culture or race, from specific neighborhoods.

So I hope you can learn, as I did, gratefully, but it took YEARS to warm up to the idea - of finding something positive in my varied older brothers and making connections to ask them to help me briefly with those. Many mistakes, but I have learned it always sounds good to hear a sibling voice on the phone, no matter how rare! And I did learn some business skills and other areas in my own life. Over time (I'm now 71), I learned from times I complained directly to the sib, then followed Al-Anon lessons of detachment, I built my life, in some ways, better than they did. Lots of unfairness, but can only tackle each piece at a time, and including some other aspects has allowed us to be in contact now.

It is sad but a relief that I am not alone. My mother became ill 2 years ago my sibling and his wife and grown children started out coming to see mom. However, within a month no one stopped by that was family related. I lived out of state and my husband stayed home due to his job but sent money to help with mom. My husband came down when he could and fix things around the house for mom. My mother was diagnosed with dementia during this time. So from march until august no one in the family stopped by to see her. My sibling would call. I had to do everything. When asked for help always said well let me see what 's going on and never would get back to me. I just could not leave my mother. During this time period sibling and family were using my and mom's car but never came by or offer to bring something for her to eat. In august, only came by because mom had surgery. During this time I got mom involved with an exercise group, speech therapist and a counselor to talk with. The counselor called my sibling to ask them to help and was told by my sibling that as long as I was there they were not coming by, calling , or bring a plate for mom. Now,, I thought that was nervy since they were using my car without me asking them to pay anything. It really upset me because I said they act like they hate me and all I have done was help my sibling out when asked. I finally got in help for mom. I was able to leave for two days after being gone from my home since jan, this happened in july. My husband had to go out of the country to work. My goal was to get my mom help. But I did not relay on my sibling for anything. The only thing I have ever asked wad for them to find time to spend with mom since she has dementia to help keep her social
Never happened. My sibling's wife told me I was suppose to do what I am doing because she is my mother and I do not want to be with my husband because I taking care of mom. I know words you can not take back so I did not respond except to say my mom has two children not one. My mom has been helping them since they been together. Even sending her to see her parents before they passed and sending her out of the country. My mom was always paying something for them. It was very hard taking care of mom that I collapsed and still no family came by to see they could help. My friends and extended family came to my side. Well now my husband started talking about divorcing me because I could not be with him and that my mother needed me since family was not helping. This was very hurtful. But I partially blame them fir the demise of my marriage. I did get things in place for mom where I had help coming in 5 days a week. I felt comfortable in leaving her after 10 month she was still able body but needed someone to keep company , I did not want her left her alone. I wanted to work on my marriage. This was hard time for me, almost loosing my mom, family abandoned me and now husband wanting a divorce I was very emotional. While I was away family still not come by to see mom unless they wanted something. My husband was becoming mean towards me and I left. Started living on my own and came back to visit mom and seen how much the dementia has progressed. I already had home health set up. Now mom can not be by herself, needs meds giving to her. Family still does not come by . I am with hwr 24 /7 plus working full-time. I just do not understand how anyone who had a loving parent can ignor them when they need them now. I no longer go to so called family functions because I use this as my
break. Sibling gets upset but I don't care because bow I really can not stand to look at them. I thought we were closer family then this. But I guess as kong as they were on the receiving end it was ok. My mom has given them everything and they do nothing in return, she was a pay check in their household. It hurts me that now they choose to act like she does not exist, and always saying how much they are Christians. Mom's memory has declined but I work on memory excercises every night with her. Just heard through the grapevine that sibling and family are moving out of state. I love my sibling just hate the behavior. I really don't communicate with him unless it about mom. But if leave state I don't think I would have the desire to speak with him again. It hard especially growing up he was the one to get everything, just don't see how you can ignore your mom. I am now trying to get things in order because I know there will be a time I will not be able to take care of her all by myself. I am on this journey alone.

oh what sad tales we have to tell. My mom is a nasty and manipulative person and now that she is old she is neglected by all her children who each have an issue with her, including myself but I cannot allow her to sit alone crying day after day with no one even so much as making a call to her once a month. I do the best I can although I realise that she is a nasty piece of work but I choose to be compassionate no matter how difficult it is for me. I understand completely what you all are going through.

to Mymomissoweet - your post, yes sad, and points out the major gap that is NOT addressed with professional services. That counselor should have followed up, and if sibling did not want to visit because of avoiding YOU, then make a list of what you need and mom needs, and assign SOMEthing - Elder Mediation Services in Lexington MA, trains Mediators to work with siblings around care. But most people don't see how to deal with situations of close range care that evolves over time, and all the feelings and worry and work that is added as needed - but is not visible to far off sibs, who don't want to believe anything caregiver sib says, see it as "drama" - meanwhile exhausted and frightened and lonely caregiver sib, wonders how on earth to find help that makes a difference! As of now, each caregiver has to define own boundaries and assert them - and as a longtime carer, I know that is a major task in itself, and we need HELP with that process, and repeated checks to see how to help us, when care needs evolve over time, and resources and energy changes..

What makes this so bad is that my sibling and family only live 5mins away from mom.

This really is sad. I'm so sorry for your situation, mymomissosweet. My situation is more like condolence's. My mother isn't overtly nasty but she's self-centered and unconcerned about anyone else, and none of her kids want to be bothered with her either. Castle, I appreciate your comments about how difficult it is to convey to uninvolved siblings what is required on a day to day basis. I myself was accused of "creating drama" when trying to enlist one of my siblings in finding solutions for our mother, and it just infuriated me. Yet I was genuinely panicked because I could see my Mom becoming more and more needy, dependent and demanding, and I could see it all falling on ME! It's hard to relate to that panic from many miles away, or even a few blocks away if you turn a deaf ear and refuse to get involved.

This sibling now lives about two blocks from Mom (we moved Mom to the community where both my older sisters live) but doesn't even call, stop in, or check how things are going. When I get there on weekends (driving from 90 miles away) neither of my sisters has even bothered to bring in Mom's mail. Or run the dishwasher, wipe the counters, take away the recycling, or any of the other household tasks that Mom can no longer do for herself. It's all left for me.

I told my mother today that she needs to get my sisters to take more responsibility because I don't want to be locked into making that trip every week. It really ties up my schedule too much, and it seems absurd to me that between the two of them, they can't take care of the bare necessities. So we'll see what happens.

My sister and I were never important to our mother. At the least we never rated the "perks"out brother got,which was anything he asked for. We were both supposed to pay for what he got for nothing.

He bad mouthed us constantly..she decided to join in and believed him. Let her off the hook ever helping us.

Even with that dynamic.I would try and be helpful,but brother would not allow it.