I have tried for 10 years to get my brother and sister to help with my mother who is very physically disabled. In the past 3 years, it has gotten much worse, and they seem unaffected. She has almost died many times, and I have been the only one there for her. I have always helped with her shopping, cleaning, etc. Recently, she had a very serious neck injury (chronic spinal cord compression) which made her mobility almost zero, and she became incontinent. I changed her diapers, fed her, did laundry, shopping, held her when she cried, everything. All I asked my brother and sister to do was to call her 1 or 2 times per week to keep her spirits up... they could not even manage to do that! She had the surgery, almost died, but did make it through. She is slowly getting a little better, but has been in a nursing home for quite some time. I am moving her to assisted living near me when she gets out. I have asked my brother and sister to help me many times with cleaning out and moving her apartment items. They continue to ignore my emails, texts and phone calls, or make amazing excuses. I have fully given up on my brother and sister to help physically, and really need them to help financially. I keep asking for help, but they keep avoiding me. My new plan is to do everything, and to start keeping receipts and billing them for each and every thing I pay out for my mother. I am tempted to start billing them for a portion of my caregiving hours just to prove a point to them. I have started keeping a log of exactly what I do, and how many hours I help her because I am not sure they know exactly how much I do for her.
I truly hate my brother and sister, and when my mother passes, I am going to let them know just how much I hate them. I am only being nice to them out of consideration for my mother at this point. I can't wait to tell them how much I hate them for putting me through 10 years of ABSOLUTE HELL.
Again it's very easy to dictate and tell someone else take your mother to the DMV(I can't think of a worse place to have to go, never mind with a senior with health issues), you're not the one doing it.
Truth hurts.
Please 2ndbest don't take it personally and try to work with your sister. I cant imagine that being a primary caregiver feels self important. I am in the same position as your sister.. I assure you I do not feel self important. I feel alone and abandoned by my siblings with this huge responsibility . Being a primary caregiver is the most isolating, life changing, difficult, exhausting job you can possibly imagine. If you aren't there physically sometimes you may not be aware of all the potential issues.
wishes were. If it were my brother getting paid for his sports car and his apartment, I would hand him over the POA and walk away! All the money in the world is not worth destroying your life over and going broke, for what? So you can come in and save the day for nothing. Your brother will put her into an assisted care facility which clearly she can afford and go Live Your Life. My mother truly appreciates me and always say's she would not know what she would do without me. Big difference! My brothers are worthless and she knows it though she does slip into denial every now and then. I have to remind her she is not a Rockefeller and cannot afford to keep handing them money. My heart goes out to you trying to do the right thing but if it means sacrificing your entire life unrewarded, I would get moving along and let your dear sweet brother handle it! It is not your job as daughter if you are not being appreciated and or compensated somehow for your sacrifices.
I have been there and back too, and if you look at my history, you will realize, it was the loving people at aging care.com that made me take a look at myself too.
Hate is not something that any of us should have in our vocabulary.
Yes people are greedy, some are very compassionate, some are too giving, some get caregiver burnout, some fly 5000 miles away to get away from reality, but hate.
Let us love. or like the world and the situation we are in. Remember
"life is a journey not a race"
livelifefull, ever hear of Maya Angelou? If you haven't she was a brilliant writer. One of her famous quotes was "when people show themselves to you believe them"....meaning they're showing their true colors, learn from that. Get away from them, not embrace them.
While I agree hating someone does you no good, you don't keep people in your life who do you harm and don't have your back.
Would you tell an abused woman to love the husband that beats her up?
Should you love someone who tried to kill you?
You don't have to love siblings who turn their backs on their parents and you in a time of need. In fact it is healthier for you to distance yourselves from them.
The other main question I have is: where are you getting your information? I'm guessing from your tone that you're not a big fan of this sister, the one local to your mother. Are you in regular touch with her? How do you know a) that she has up to now ignored your mother and b) that the money is her reason for wanting to take care of your mother?
And leading on from that, when you say that your other siblings think this idea is okay, is there in fact a reasonable match between the level of care that your mother will need and your sister's ability to provide it? What kind of experience/support/services can she bring to the job?
Sorry, but you haven't crossed that bridge yet, I wrote my brother off as he was of no help, well he managed to get on a plane the day after our father died and now suddenly had time. Took leave from his job and stayed over a MONTH! Couldn't bother to pick up the phone or come visit when and spend time with them when they were alive, now he had time.
Just a word to the wise, it's not as easy as you make it sound. It works for now, because your mother is still alive, but they arrive when the parent has passed and now are very interested.
You see all the hard work is done, and now it's time for "Grab that dough".
Doesn't matter the size of the estate. It could be over a set of dishes, they arrive.
I don't understand it, when I looked into my mother's eyes and changing face and i'm all alone, while they re in florida and having fun. I just cannot understand it. I'm sorry to repeat, but I am really dumbfounded and I just don't understand that type of person. I am alone in this I guess... and my dear mother is certainly alone in facing death. Peace to all and listening to music and dancing or moving your body helps a bit. I have to remember i'm alive. I could go right down the tubes with her... I am so empathetic. I feel so badly for her. I'm done for today.
But we have to move on.. Our parent needs our help.. Unfortunately this is the way it's going to be..
Believe me I recite this advice to myself daily..
Peace to you too.
(((Hugs)))
Your mother is NOT alone, she has you! Being with her now and spending the last bit of time she has with you means the world to her and don't forget that. Play music that you can both enjoy together and talk about the happy memories you two have spent. Don't let your sisters spoil this for you as unbelievable as it may be, take this time and make it a positive one as your mother transitions into the next life, you will always have those memories and knowing you have no regrets or things left unsaid. My mother and I have always had a song from Helen Reddy, "You and me against the world" and every time I hear it, I cry my eyes out but it's a wonderful song for a mother and daughter. youtube/watch?v=sQ9j3dhZ6ys
All my best to you, hang in there and don't let your sisters ruin this for you, I get it, both my brothers do nothing for my Mom even though they live close by. You are doing the right thing!
I wish I had an answer for you, my brother did the same thing when my dad passed. We had great parents, he didn't come to see him, he had 4 days and was a 3 hour plane ride away, he did manage to show up the day after he passed. Concerned about his cut.
It's very painful, I feel bad for you, I know what you're going through.
Stay as strong as you can, you're doing right by your mother, the ones who don't do the right thing, have to live with their decision.
I really do believe that somewhere down deep inside even the most self absorbed have regrets later, and there is no do over on this one.
You are so right as both my brothers only care about what they will get! Always about the money, I booted one of my brothers permanently off the property I live on with my mother because all he was doing was extorting money from her. Then when I confronted him, he actually said, "You can't have all Mom's money!" This was said right in front of her too. I am broke all the time because I have to care for her and can only work part time and I am trying to "protect her money" because I don't know how long she will be here, that money is for her to live on. He has no idea what I do for her, how broke I am all the time while he goes on vacations even though he is on permanent disability. How do ya like that one? Where's my vacation? However, I am just happier knowing I don't have to look at him anymore. I'll trade vacations for that peace of mind.
Then, reality bites. I know how you feel: you need to work, you need to take care of your mother, two into one won't go.
But does your mother still have mental capacity? Because if so, for you, it's not too late to deal with the brass tacks of the family situation and *do* something about your mother's current care costs and future estate. I failed to address these, muddled along, and I am now a sorry bunny: serves me right for pretending that everything would be okay and that I'd work it all out later on, somehow. I hope my bad example might give you a reason to act, and that it might be possible?
I do not uphold theories of you should ruin your personal financial status by caring for Mum and consider it an honour. Honourable though it might be it is darned draining and when the siblings are less than useless, even more so
I would certainly be looking into your mothers future care costs and for pure revenge if nothing else I hope she spends the lot and doesn't leave 'em a penny.
Just remember that if you do decide to say something to them you have to live with that for ever for words cannot be unspoken. You can take the moral high ground and say nothing and know it will unnerve them no end to see that you are not bothered by their lack of input, in fact it has put you in a better and stronger place (regardless of how you feel inside I might add) especially when they see you conversing well with everyone EXCEPT them
I sort of understand where you are coming from with a sibling that moves in but I have to say I cannot understand the approach. that is YOUR parent and you have to realise that every caregiver MUST have a break so that they can continue to give the best care they can......'She made her bed and needs to live in it'? You try it when things get really bad ...... offer to go and take the reins for a week so sibling CAN have a break.... you'd be lucky to even see your bed - I haven't slept in mine for years..... Yes people do make choice but things change very rapidly when you get older and if one sibling is trying to do her best by her Mama then she or he needs help not a don't give a damn attitude.
And while I am absolutely steaming here Mum is not a parcel to be shipped off. Perhaps she doesn't WANT to go into a home. Perhaps she is fully cognisant, perhaps she would like to have supported care in an ALF. Perhaps she would actually like her other children to just care now and again........Oh lady I had better stop before the mods kick me
I assume you were one of the children that offered to take Mom in. Did you expect that your siblings would then leave it all on you and you would be a 24/7 caregiver from that moment until Mom died? What is YOU needed to take a vacation or time off to deal with other matters (such as, for example, the illness of your spouse or one of your children)? Did you expect your siblings to turn a deaf ear like you're doing to the live-in sibling now? Would you expect them to say "She made her bed, she has to lie in it?"
It seems that your sister is obviously overwhelmed, husband, kids, mother and I am sure she is expected to be the caregiver to all of them, i.e; making meals, laundry, cleaning, etc. I can relate except I thankfully chose not to have kids or I think I would be in the looney bin right now! Both of my brothers DO have time to spend with Mom (who lives with me) and one was showing up regularly which I gave him credit for until I found out everytime he was here, HE was extorting money from my Mom from free lunches to helping him financially. It never was just to spend quality time with her. My other brother shows up twice a year, once for Mother's Day/Birthday since they are days apart and Christmas. Am I angry? Yes. Do I talk to them? Only if it is absolutely necessary. They both live close by and one has been on disability for over 15 years. I have never expected them to contribute money, I manage Mom's finances to make sure she has enough to live on comfortably and I have to work part time to take care of her so now I am the one who is personally broke all the time, I have just enough to pay my bills. I would be happy if they just came by once every few weeks to take her out and give me a break but it never happens. Instead, I am veiwed as the bad one because they think I am getting her money. She does help me a bit for all I do for her but it is very little, it would cost her 30 an hour for outside help, I know this because I am a caregiver part time for a company that only pays me 12.00 out of that 30.00. I wanted to learn it so I could save her money and she wouldn't go broke within a few years. I have no freedom, no money and lots of responsibilities so it is hard not to resent my brothers. If they came to me and asked what they could do to help, I would be ecstatic! Unfortunately, one wants to take her $$$ and the other thinks she should be in a nursing home even though she spent her whole life working in one. Maybe you can arrange to spend an evening having dinner with her once a week or something since you cannot afford to help financially. Take her out on your day off once a month? It seems time is what you may be able to offer even if it is in short intervals. If your sister sees you are making an effort to help however you can, I would hope she would be glad of this and encourage you to do so. I do not know how she works but that is the best solution I can think of. Be her ally and hopefully things can change, hell I would show her your paycheck & your bills and say, "As you can see, I just can't afford to help but I can help with giving time so you get a break." Sorry for the long winded answer Gabe, I try to look at both sides of a situation and being a Wife, Mom and caregiver to a parent is an enormous amount to deal with, especially when you are going it alone. Try to look at it from her perspective and then you can talk to her with more empathy. Hope my little sermon helped!