My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

MeToo11 - why are the In Laws expecting someone who lives 45 minutes away to make a 90 minute round trip to mow a lawn? Pay a local kid $20 to mow the lawn!!! Of course he wants to visit when he comes - not be their maid. Listen to his emotion - he is communicating how he sees his treatment by his parents.

about moving - why do the kids have to pack and move the parents? Movers - pay them.

Your inlaws seem to think that they can hand out the chores to the kids to do. No wonder your brother in law didn't tell them about his vacation - they probably think he should spend it doing their work - like when he was 16, not 53.

You have expectations about what he should do. He is an adult - with his own family, job, and responsibilities. If your In Laws cannot take care of their house - they need to pay a handyman or down size - not demand kids make 90 minute round trips for lawn care.

You also - if you want to say no - say NO also.

About siblings who are not local and not able to help. You hire local resources and not burden siblings. The sandwich generation has enough pressures already - don't add more with YOUR expectations. What siblings want to VOLUNTEER - fine, but EXPECTATIONS/DEMANDS - no.

MeToo, you need to adjust your expectations.

your BIL has every right to live his own life. What he does on his vacation is not your concern. Your in-laws aren’t entitled to his vacation time. If they can’t mow the lawn they need to hire a lawn service or a neighborhood kid. If they want to move and they need help, they can hire movers. Your in-laws are responsible for their homes & the upkeep. Not you, not your BIL. That you and your husband choose to say yes and take on the responsibility doesn’t obligate your BIL to help out.

as far as your own siblings—you can expect whatever you want but understand this—when you choose to take on this kind of role and become this involved in your parents care, it does not obligate your siblings to do the same. They have a right to say no. And so do you. If you have big expectations of your siblings, in the same way you seem to have for your BIL, get rid of them now. Because you will only be disappointed when they fail to meet your expectations.

MeToo - In principle I agree with Kimber166 and WorriedinCali. Nobody should be expected to devote their spare time to their parents' needs. Elderly parents can readily lapse back into their old relationships and expectations of their offspring - such as directing the adult kids to clean the (parents') house or mow the lawn as if they were still teenagers living under the parents' roof and eating their food.

Nobody should be expected to be a source of unpaid labor for elderly family members, but sometimes the reality is that someone has to do it. Sometimes the parents can't afford the amount of physical help they need, and sometimes the help required needs to be done by someone who is closely connected to the parent (I'm thinking here of attending doctors' appointments and ER visits). The principle that we are all entitled to make our own choices whether to help or not fails to take these realities into account.

Many times one or more siblings will recognize that somebody needs to step up and help the parent, but they still won't do it, instead claiming that another sibling is in a better position to do it or should take on full responsibility based on some other rationale. This is where I disagree. I would have more sympathy for your BIL if he truly believed that none of you (adult children or their spouses) should have to take responsibility for the aging parents. Once he said to his brother "it's your responsibility, not mine," he lost my vote. Either it's not the responsibility of the adult children or it is. And if it is, it needs to be apportioned on some equitable basis. It may be very hard to determine what is equitable, but saying "I don't want to do it, so it's on you." doesn't begin to approach it.

You are free to not want a relationship with you brother in law. I wouldn't want one either at this point. I don't believe you need to adjust your expectations. It's too late anyway as the in-laws are both deceased. If your husband wants to see his brother, let him. But you don't need to throw out the red carpet and the welcome mat given the way you legitimately feel.

CarlaCB, I think the reason the BIL said it is metoo & her husband’s problem is because they took MIL in to care for her. She was living with them and went back to their home after her hospitalization and that is when he made that comment. So I agree with him, that her needing 24/7 care was not his problem. What was BIL supposed to do? Because again she didn’t live him and he chose not be involved. My opinion would have been different if the MIL had been living in her own home. When you take in a family member who can no longer take care of themselves, it is a huge responsibility and when they need more care than you can provide, it does become your problem. It’s something that must be taken in to consideration before you make the
commitment.

Metoo, don't listen to these people. They have the same mentality as your lazy, good for nothing BIL. Some people believe in helping family, others are lazy selfish trash. I would agree with not being obligated to mow a lawn but if your parents can't afford it, I would at least expect your BIL to offer money to help your in-laws. This is unfortunately how life works nowadays. There's always those family members who think they don't need to help out the people that helped them. Your BIL needs a nice slap to knock some sense into him. I understand, we're all human and have the right to make the choice on how we live our lives. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. All a joke, sad lazy excuses from cold heartless people. I guess I see it differently than most. Because I believe that we should do anything we can for our family in times of need. Keep up the good work!

To those who took time to reply, I thank you. I may not like what you said but it does help to see a different side of things.

To those of you who defended him...his actions are a lifelong habit of "Not Me." It wasn't just the two years she lived with us.

He was happy to drive the 45 min to drop off his daughter for his parents to babysit for a weekend but wouldn't mow the lawn or take out the trash when he returned to pick her up. I do think that he should have helped them since they were helping him. But, I also think they should have told him "no" to babysitting when he told them "no" to helping. I'm guessing he would have rather mowed the grass in order to have the weekend to himself.

One Christmas he insisted that his parents come to his house to see his daughter. They didn't want to go (his bathroom was not easy for them to use) but did it anyway. When they got hungry, he had no food to feed them. They ended up going to Waffle House, my BIL "forgot" his wallet (again) and my in-laws paid for the meal.

The next Christmas, my husband and I suggested only doing presents for the kids and my in-laws. Everyone agreed except BIL. BIL said that he wanted to do gifts for everyone. Even though money was tight for us, I schlepped my three kids to the store, bought gifts, etc. Come Christmas morning, BIL shows up empty handed - no gifts for anyone!!

When their health first began to decline, we tried to organize a care meeting to discuss the parent's need and who could do what and he "forgot" to come to it.

I could fill a book with examples of his selfishness and uncaring. It didn't start with his parents needing help and doesn't end there. For my MIL's funeral, his only responsibility was to bring pics of himself and his daughter. He didn't and it really hurt his daughter's feelings to see pics of everyone else and for her to be unrepresented. We live close to the church and I sent my son home to get a picture of her - she shouldn't be left out because of her dad's actions.

To those who said hire someone to do things for my in-laws - the fact is that they couldn't afford it. Money is only a solution to a problem when people have it to spend.

Also, to those who advise to step back - that only works if someone else steps up. There's only so long that people can go without groceries, prescriptions, etc. Then, it's usually the same someone who takes care of the problem.

I don't see BIL unless it's a holiday which is a relief. Unfortunately, there are usually only eight of us at the gatherings so it is hard to avoid him completely. I try to limit my contact to "hello" and "goodbye" but what gets me is how much I allow the stress of seeing him to bother me. I am worried that I will lose my temper and 15 years of frustration will explode and ruin the get together. If I could choose, BIL wouldn't be there at all. But, as my husband has said, that's the only blood family he sees on holidays and I will suck it up for his sake.

I don't agree that those who don't believe in helping family are "lazy selfish trash." Families, and members of families, are all different. People may have entirely valid reasons for not helping someone else, even members of the family. The accident of blood relation doesn't give anyone an automatic right to help from anybody else.

I helped my mother because I cared about her and someone had to do it. I hoped my siblings would care enough about me, and Mom, to share the burden to the extent they could. Some did, some didn't. My relationships flourished with those who helped and suffered with those who didn't. That's the natural consequence of the choices everybody made. I wouldn't call any of them "lazy selfish trash" though. Well, one of them maybe, but she's done a lot more wrong than just failing to show up when Mom needed help.

To Kimber166 and worriedinCali - I understand you are coming from the perspective that people have a choice in how much or want kind of help they want to give.

My question to you both (and I am not trying to be snarky) is how are you going to handle your needs as you age if/when people have the "I choose not to" attitude to you?

I will handle my own needs as long as I can. When I can’t, I’ll downsize the house and hire people to do what my husband & I can’t. We’ll go to assisted living or independent living when the time comes. I’m a realist, I know we are going to get old and won’t be able to take care of ourselves & May end up in a nursing home. I’m ok with that. I’m not going to BURDEN my kids. That’s not why I had them. We all have a choice. No one HAS TO to burden their family. My parents don’t burden me. I help them as much as I can from 6 hours away. I help on my terms and they are greatful for it. I visit when I want, not when they want. It works for us. I know my initial reply sounded harsh and I want to explain that when I said you should adjust your expectations of your siblings, I said that because if you expect too much,
you will only be sweating yourself up for heartache and disappointment when they don’t get involved as you want them to. I did not meant to imply that your expectations are outrageous and unrealistic. I was trying to say, try not to expect too much out of them because when that day finally comes where your mom needs help, they may not be around.

my BIL is very similar to yours. He’s a taker not a giver. He only comes around when he wants something. It used to make me so mad because he always borrows other family members stuff and asks for their help with things but he never returns the favor. He once ran out of gas at 4am—because he was letting his car get repossessed and didn’t want to fill the tank. He calls my husband to come bring him gas! And my husband did. A few weeks later, we needed help moving some heavy furniture back in to the house after we had the floors refinished. He couldn’t be bothered to help us. I eventually learned to accept it. It’s just how he is. We don’t ask him for anything and my husband has started telling him no.

I went through a similar kind of hell. I believe now that I was the scapegoat in a narcissistic family. My siblings got pleasure out of seeing me as the mom slave. It's a very sick system and passed down from generations. I feel you are caught in the same awful circumstances. We are taught to be caring and kind. We are never taught to look out for our own blood who is just waiting to use us for our caring, kindness and goodness. It's just not mentioned in society. But, now that we have the internet, we can share our stories and unite to take care of ourselves. I can say the only blessing that came out of my mom's Alzheimers is it showed my siblings for the true Users that they are. If she died instantly of a heart attack, I would have continued on in life thinking that they were caring individuals like myself. And, when I got sick, I would have naively handed over my assets with all the kind promises that they would handle hiring my end of life caregivers, etc. They would have taken the money and left me to rot in my own urine. OMG! What a blessing to see how they treated mom. I now know that trusting complete strangers, if and when I get sick, is the better option then my own blood. Someone on this board wrote that being bitter is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. I'm in counseling now due to the stress from years of bullying from my siblings and am learning to focus on myself and rebuilding a life away from the fake family. I hope and pray you can do the same. You are not alone.

I'd like to respond to the people here - i'm not saying to ditch the ole folks. When my dad was housebound for five years after a stroke i drove six hours round trip once a month Friday night through Sunday night monthly for those five years - with a week each summer so my stepmom could get a caregiver break. She didn't demand it or ask for it - i volunteered it because i cared for her and saw how she was aging and suffering taking care of an ungrateful, angry and uncooperative man who should have been in the nursing home the last two of those five years. it was hell and i hated every minute because he took it out on me that she went away during that time (threw food on the floor, peed on the floor, turned the TV up all night - anything to get at me - hoping i would refuse to come back - many i night i walked out into the woods to scream at the moon). While she was gone i would often try to do things she couldn't get to - wash windows, deep dusting or floor washing. I liked to help her.

What i object to is the elder handing a list to their children "here - you do this" with no consideration of the fact that their child has a full time job, children of their own, a house of their own, yards of their own and adding to the stress the sandwich generation already feels. My IN LAWS are an example - my BIL travels full time, when he is home he takes care of his own house plus a four unit apartment complex that he owns - yet my INLAWS expect him to drive 90 minutes round trip to mow their lawn and snow blow them. Why do they not pay the kid next door? "It costs $20!!!!" They have the money. They are fit and go to the gym three times a week and brag about it and when we visit for Easter each year - they expect me to clean their bathrooms and wash their windows while my FIL and husband golf and my MIL takes my son on an outing. I say "No" and they are outraged. "It costs $150 for someone to wash the windows!!!" yet they are fit enough to wash them and my suggestion of one room a week left them speechless with anger. This is the type of @#$# i am talking about - parents who are too lazy to do for themselves, too cheap to hire it, and have no qualms of burdening their already burdened kids.

My mom knows i work a stressful sales job with a demanding quota that if i don't make quota i'm out of a job - 50-60 hour weeks are normal. My husband travels. My son is in a gifted school so we have much time with him on school work. We have a house to maintain and a yard. Yet she will go to the casino and gamble her money and expect us to give her rent money. NO. Then threatens suicide when we say NO. Then taps my sister who decided that working part time with a child was too hard, who can't say NO who is then PIZZED at me for saying NO when we make more money than they do. (math not hard - two incomes VS one).

I'm willing to help family - but they need to help themselves first. Not feel entitled simply because they are old or lazy or cheap. Yes i'm bitter - i spend my life telling my mom and my IN LAWS no and dealing with family and their friends who think i'm a shit. Thank god for my step mom who is an absolute angel.

worriedinCali
Thanks you for taking the time to respond. I agree with you that I don't want to be a burden on my kids either. I am assuming that you have put aside the financial means to hire help and/or to move to ALF as your needs change. What about emotional support? So many people on here are saddened by the lack of phone calls/visits from the adult children and how lonely/unloved the parent feels.

My husband and I have three sons and are raising them with the understanding that "Family takes care of Family." Their grandmother lived with us and they were an essential part of keeping her company and caring for her in a way that they could. My 15 year old felt important when he was able to use his learner's license to drive her to get her hair done. I am proud of him that he took his wheelchair bound/oxygen dependent grandmother on an outing that meant a lot to her. The eldest and youngest spent many hours watching TV with her - thank goodness for my menopausal hotflash sake...she kept her basement apartment at 80 degrees!! My eldest was also "guilty" of getting her the fast food that she craved even though it was way too high in sodium for someone on dialysis.

My mom lives close to us and is a big part of our lives. She lives on a lake and our kids and their friends love hanging out at her house/dock. They know that they are expected to help care for her. We regularly clean her house, take care of her yard/house and put up her Christmas decorations each year (a very time intensive undertaking!!). They get access to sodas and candy in return. Lol

My hope is that we set a good example and they don't turn out like so many of the siblings on this site!!

To worriedinCali

Sounds like we have the same kind of BIL. Happy to receive help but unwilling to give it. That's the rub for me.

You will be a lot happier if you realize that YOU decided to care for your Mom. A better perspective is that what you are doing to care for your Mom is YOUR decision. You cannot mandate or force compassion. I have cared for my disabled sister 42 years without help from my other 2 sisters. I used to really get disheveled over why they didn't help me take care of her...until I realized that caregiving for my disabled sister was, has been, and still is MY choice. Accepting this helped me to get off my soap box and accept who I am. My sister is physically and mentally disabled and it has been hell trying to take care of her but it was and still is MY decision. Hate is a poison you would be better off dropping. You can only hurt yourself with hate.

To all that recommend realizing that I/we made the decision to take care of my in-laws I agree and disagree with you. We did decide to have her move in with us for the last two years of her life. We also took care of her and my FIL for the previous 12 years.

My BIL stepping back (running) from their care does not mean that I/we chose to step forward. We did what needed to be done - as their children and as compassionate human beings.

My way to drop the hate is twofold - to avoid him as much as possible and to realize that I am blessed with many people who I love and love me back. He, sadly, is alone.

You reap what you sow.

MeToo, I don’t you can ever prepare to have emotional support but you can prepare to be without it. All we can do is raise our families to the best of our abilities and instill good family values in them and hope that they don’t cut themselves off from us when they are adults. I’ve seen it go both ways where even the closest families end up with the kids estranged later in life. I just hope my kids don’t estrange themselves.

my husband and I are both the eldest child in the family and both of us have had to do everything on our own without family help. That’s just how it worked out. No one co-signed on our mortgage or bought us cars or paid our college tuition. We love our families but we’ve got friends that more like family. My husband’s best friend is more of a brother to him than his own brother is! His best friend is someone we can count on, his brother is not. I’ve lived 6 hours away from my parents for 15 years now so I haven’t been able to use them for much support. So I know that when the time comes, my husband and I will be ok without family support. We’ve been fine all this time and we will be fine 40 years from now.

i don’t this for granted at all, but my husband’s career allows us a comfortable lifestyle and an early retirement. When he retires, his pension will be 90% of his highest paid year. We’ll stay in California 4 more years after that, until our youngest graduates high school and then we are out of here! His retirement alone will allow us a very comfortable lifestyle. One of the best things about my husband’s job is that many of his coworkers are like family. We have a slew of friends who have already retired and left the state for states with a lower cost of living, there’s groups of them in varies places already. My husband is 5 years from retirement and we are starting to think about that. Some of our friends who are nearing retirement have already purchased land or homes in states with a much lower cost of living so we are thinking about where we want to go and whether or not buy some land in the near future or wait & sell the house when the time comes & then pay cash for a house wherever we decide to
move. But wherever we will go, we will have close friends in the area & we will all support each other. So even if the kids don’t go with us, we will be ok.

Again I don’t take this for granted and I know that not everyone can afford to plan for old age.

i have been he same problem

Asking and begging siblings for help won't make them change their selfish minds. I have dealt with this for years begging my rich brother to help his ailing mother in her old age. The only daughter usually traditionally gets the job of caregiving. You will make yourself miserable and obsessed thinking about why they won't help. Forget them and if you have to cut them off. You need serenity and the best way is by focusing on you and your mother. I had to let it go. It gave me a mental breakdown and a weeks stay in a hospital. Carry on without them!!

I totally agree with EssieMarie. My siblings refusal of helping with visiting mom or even helping with some of the finances but still criticizing my caregiving has caused me to avoid them at all costs. I'm not even doing Thanksgiving this year because I can't handle the toxic environment they create.

I know how you feel, my friend. I am helping with my mother in law and sadly her daughter wants nothing to do with calling, offering support, reaching out to me in any way, or help with her mom. She won’t even call the hospital to see how mom is doing, it’s very hard for my husband to not get this opportunity to reconnect with his sister. It’s actually made my husband and I feel even worse when we call her- because she doesn’t have anything nice to say. I feel sad for the entire situation and don’t understand myself how people can just cut themselves off from their parents in this way. I’m sure she’d want her own daughter to dote on her while she’s in recovery. I hope she never has to go through recovery alone the way she has her mother going through this without her. To be honest, our current experience with my mil in the hospital recovering from surgery just makes my husband and I closer. The lack of communication and a relationship is really my sister in law’s doing, and we do hope she’ll come around some day. But my husband and I can’t wait around for her to give it- current family and friends are the ones we really credit. And when she wants to be a part of that she can decide when she wants to.

JBell4444 I am curious if you found a rate to transpose the value of your time and sacrifice? The first year I cared for both my elderly parents I chose to because my father had asked me to leave where I live and move to their home. Once they got in assisted living we had already discussed they would stay. She brought them home against my will, tears streaming down my face begging her not to do it, "Dont be ridiculous," she claimed, "Ive already rented a U Haul and have only two days off from work to get this move done." I told her at that time, "I dont work for them for free anymore. Payment for my time and my sons will come out of your inheritance." Im going into my fourth year as caregiver now. My sister has brought my parents home twice since the first time. My father has passed and my mom is not well. I am beyond caregiver burnout and not even employable now in my industry. Im exhausted, bitter, injured and desperately need respite. I thought about speaking to an attorney but how do I go about legally having her compensate us after she got me stuck here and recently admitted, "You dont think I get it but I do." That validated she has been gas lighting all along making sure she stays remote and I get stuck with the hard stuff." Thanks if you have ideas to share.

You should be paid for caregiving now. If there is no written provision in the will (is there?), how do you expect to get back-pay from your sisters share?

jbell hasn’t posted in 4 years, when she announced her mother’s passing.

Yes, I know the OP is long gone, but I was curious to read more of Burnedout10's situation. I hope she comes back.

Reading these comments the main point I get out if it is: It is an individual's choice to take on the care of their elder. There are multiple reasons, often very complicated reasons, why a sibling declines to care for, or limits the type of care to provide an aging/ill parent. Nobody should not be forced to defend that choice.

To be angry that a person declines to assist you when you alone made that decision is in my opinion emotionally immature. In the case of elder care, if there are siblings, each one can choose and communicate to the other what they are willing to do/ not do. In my case, one decided to take on pretty much everything, alone, and even when offered assistance, declined most of it. That was HIS CHOICE. Dictating what constitutes "equitable" help is not appreciated either. When it became clear Mum needed 24/7 skilled nursing care, he alone decided to take on the responsibility. Shaming those who could not, or would not do was hurtful to everyone and in the end, did not serve Mum.

Now, all that being said, these care decisions are positively heartbreaking, soul-crushing, and complex. It is this pain we try to express, and it unbearably emotionally charged. Some shut down and retreat. Others lash out. One accuses the other of "not caring", then childhood grievances pile up, and things are said which are difficult to retract. It breaks my heart to hear about family splits when this is the time when family should be supporting each other.

I pray you all find peace and one piece if advice: Do not to say anything or email in anger until you've allowed a 24-48 hour cooling off period. Tell your family members you love them, often.

Take care
Brenda

@burnedout10 that is horrible for her to do that. Maybe your parents called her behind your back. I would tell her to take that uhaul and shove it. If she thinks they should be out they need to care for them herself or leave it. Contact a lawyer and save yourself. You are in no way obligated and let the living place know that anyone who gets them out has to make sure they will be the one's to care for them.

I agree with you in having a sister who gaslight me. It will be okay she says. It's what grandma wants. You don't have to do it but then in front family she would be the first one to volunteer you to stay with grandma because she cant be by herself since she has been drinking when she was pushing her to drink. Saying you dont have to do it alone but she puts you in a spot that I should be grateful for doing it since I am living rent free and we should not have to look for a caregiver because I can do it and that is what family is for and then she bolts leaving you to do it all alone because of what she said

Also, a good reason to get a caregiver is these are the last moments to cherish and you don't want that memory of them yelling at you or picking up their poop or neither do they want that to be their last moments of their loved ones doing that for them. As a caregiver, I was jealous the other grandchildren got to cherish the visiting time and only visited while I missed out of tha thg because I was treated as the slave

I will never understand why siblings don't get that a call once or twice a week to cheer up their parent would mean so much. Sorry. While my mom can still do a lot for herself I do all the grocery shopping and putting away the groceries as well as washing and drying and most of the folding. On top of the help for these physical challenges that are hard for her - I am also her emotional support and biggest cheerleader. She is a widow after a 51 year marriage. For the life of me I will never understand why my sister who lives out of state can't pick up the phone and call her once a week to listen to what is going on and give her some encouragement while she ages and life gets smaller. I give this resentment up everyday because I love my sister - but I will most likely never understand.