My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

Some days I just feel like packing up and moving far away from my dysfunctional family. The only reason I have anything to do with one of them is because it will upset my mother. When mom goes I am ridding myself from this toxic "family"!

HEE! HEE! my sister arrives on the 12th of july and im flying out to Spain!!! she has mum for one whole week! I told her today and she didnt seem happy for me?? my first holiday in 4yrs! She asked how mum was and i said mums fine but house smells like a urinal so make sure you clean up alot as with this heat the smell gets worse! Think im being good giving her a warning of what to expect will hang on to mums diapers for a few days and make sure they are around when sis arrives! ANGRY who me????????//

Um, Kazzaa, I see what you mean. Only… or, you could leave things as you'd like to find them, and then maybe she won't leave it quite so long before she volunteers again?

Kazzaa your message made me laugh out loud....but then yes as Countrymouse says be careful, no point in winding her up. You don't want her to cancel before you get away. Sallie....it would be lovely to run away.....you need to find space some where in your head where you can virtually run away in the mean time.

Oh dont worry my sister likes to come home and meet up with her friends she will spend as little time as possible with mum as usual. AND shes booked her flight with no refund!! I do know what you mean though but then i play the god knows how long shes got left card well its true. My dad died suddenly so its a wake up that mum could go anytime and i make sure they know it! And i know the "running away feeling" i am so afraid that i may not come back from Spain i could run off with a spanish flamenco dancer watch this space!!! But then theres my cat i love him to bits hes my reason to get up and a huge comfort when things are crappy! So as much as i want to run away ill have to take him with me! i talk to him and tell him that one day we will run away together and have peace! he just looks at me as if to say "yeh yeh being telling me that for 2yrs now" then he yawns, even my cats fed up hearing it!
Today i was sunbathing mum stayed indoors as too hot and the peace i had for a few hours made me realise just how happy i am going to be when this is all over just to sit and not have to think about anyone but you!! THEN like a bolt of reality mum appears with a weeks washing in her arms she wasnt watching TV all calm like i thought she was upstairs causing hell took out ALL her summer stuff and demanded i wash them NOW. Yep 3 wash loads so a quick end to my peaceful day but still had a few hours without being interupted and thats not much for a carer to ask for! Gosh we dont ask for much do we? maybe we are mad maybe madder than any of them some days i feel like a robot.....get up make her breakfast, clean house, make her lunch, make her afternoon tea, shop, think of dinner, try and get her to have a bath, come on here while she watches her "CRAP" on tv then pray she goes to bed soon so i can just watch one programme then sleep then get up and do it all over again............SPAIN, tapas, sangria, sun relax gosh its like a mirage.........

The cat will be pleased to read that you're not abandoning him :)

I know how you feel about the running away fantasy. Mother's off to respite care for a week, and said "you won't forget to collect me, will you?" Nooooooo, no, of course I won't cough cough...

Glad (sadly) I'm not alone with useless siblings. One brother, 42, is as resentful of our parents as he was at 16. He's on his THIRD marriage and Wifey #3 has no problem following his lead of offering ZERO help - financially or otherwise. Sadly, he's the one who spawned a kid and my parents don't get to see their grandkid (but they pack up and go to Wifey's parents every other week). Did I mention this sibling lives @ 10 miles up the road? I did the grown up thing and held a meeting with my brothers (and Wifey #3) to ask for their help. Wifey immediately responded "We can't do any of this," when she saw the financial breakdown of what is coming out of my pocket. Soon after, I stopped communicating with either of them. Brother, 41, lives about 1.5 hours away and, although we had an understanding we would split required bills (car repair, etc) he recently balked on that when push came to shove. My mother is in her early 70's and living independently. My father's medical condition and lack of ability to keep up the house and property have forced me to tell him I will not be giving any more than the $500 per month he has been getting from me...So the plan is to move him to Independent Living up the street from me. Next HUGE hurdle is selling his house (which I have spent over $11k on in the last few years). Upshot: hate my brother's, pissed at my parents for not planning their future, and I would like to no longer spend my time, energy, and money on any of my family. My involvement to help support my dad began in 2003. I don't think it is a coincidence that I have battled depression since then. Thanks for letting me spill my family crap.

I don't recommend disowning family members without first attempting a formal meet, asking for specific help. For some of us, severing ties to a dead-weight sibling relationship is the BEST and healthiest thing to do. H*ll, we didn't have a choice in growing up in the same household with these duds, but we have 100% control to have a continuing relationship or not.

At least they didn't steal, in the guise of 'borrowing', a third of her life savings. They have complete control over how they spend their money and their time. I have never understood the resentment and anger. I'm better off without my sibling's interference and so is Mom. When they were 'helping' they absconded with money, jewelry, vehicles, and furniture. That kind of help I don't need. Now that I've broken contact with them and taken control of the assets, they won't visit her at all. She's not in my home, she's in a very good dementia unit, so I don't know how they justify it to themselves. I'm sure they blame me and believe their own lies. Sometimes I wish they would visit, because she would like it. But, truly it is not what is best for her.

Good to know I'm not the only one in this situation,.My Mom has Parkinson's with dementia and I'm her primary care-giver .I have 2 older brothers, one has Asperger's almost to the point of Autism, I don't expect much from him, but he does help with simple tasks. My oldest brother who is "normal" puts in a weekly appearance, brings mom a dessert or something, and goes on his merry way, thinking he's done his part. I don't expect him to do as much as I'm doing, since he works full time (I work at home part-time)..but he & my sister-in-law just don't seem to "get it", they're both quite self-absorbed, and what I like to call "emotionally unavailable"..when my Mom has one of her dementia episodes, I find it hard to keep my composure, not so much because of Mom, but because my resentment toward them.

A previous poster mentioned how their type will say how I "chose to be the caregiver"...the reality was it was either me, or a nursing home, because one brother wasn't really capable, and one really doesn't care..

We all want - and deserve - peace in our daily life. It is the one common desire everyone posting here has. Wow- how many of us could get it if we had the money to get the BEST support for our family? All of us? I pray all of you who are 24/7 hands-on taking care of your aging parent(s) are greatly rewarded in this life. It is sad - one poster said "devastating" - to never get a direct message from our siblings that they are NOT helping, but they love us and are sorry for the situation.

I've taken up working with clay in the past year. It does calm me and gets my mind off of things :)

Ha sallie good for you im thinking of a making a few voodoo dolls!! LOL

Kazzaa that's funny..

Lol, you just gave me a great idea kazzaa!

Well sallie you will have to get a piece of each siblings hair?? I can just see you now pulling thier hairout while they bend down or when they are asleep would be good! I think we have a great movie here!!

Lol, I'll get it from their hair brushes! If I could write well I'd write a book believe me.

Well they say there is a book in everyone only mine would probably go under the "fiction" section as noone would believe what im going through?
then today threw a "wobbly" with mums shrink as she dosnt think shes showing any signs of dementia????????? im still shaking i meant if mum can fool a shrink what hope have i got? on a positive note made me realise im alot more clever than these so called professionals! Gosh i hope i never have to be mentally assessed by idiots i mean if they dont think mum has dementia there could be millions walking the streets who are in fact "MAD" but doc says no they are scoring in the memory tests so they must be normal!
Oh goodnight world! am going to snuggle with my cat he knows mums nuts and the stress im under! What a day am totally drained after 2yrs of hell seems like im back to the start of "has mum got dementia" crap. Lucky im seeing her geriatrician next month he seems to be more intelligent PHEW dealing with stupid shrinks all day is enough to drive anyone "potty". I was wondering today if i am going to make it through all this i feel like the last few years ive been trying to climb out of a huge hole in the ground and when i finally thought id reached the top.....some asshole comes along and kicks me back down the hole again!
Stay positive i mean how can ya? after this nothing will ever be a challenge again i just dont think that anything else could be this much! oh sleeping pill here i come zzzzzzzzzz time!!

It sounds like you are banging your head against a wall. Forget the siblings. You can't make them change their minds. Start looking at other resources and start using your mother's funds for her care.
I cut my siblings off entirely. I even blocked their phone numbers. It was like a frustration was lifted from me.

I was so mad at my sister that I told her that when Dad dies she better not cry at his funeral because if she does, I will laugh at her

Annecurrey I love what you said to your sister. You go girl!!

Kazzaa, you certainly have your hands full. Maybe you should start writing that book. It would make you feel better writing everything down. I saw a shrink for a while after having a breakdown due to a horrible thing my sister did to me and the shrink was amazed at the true stories I told her. I think she couldn't wait till I came in once a week..lol... Annecurry, good for you! If my sister's cry when my mom dies I'm going to punch them.

My brothers have completely dropped out of my mother's life. I'm blessed that my mother had the means and the will to move to an independent living facility 6 years ago--but the last 6 years or so have not been pleasant and the last 2 have been much more demanding as I still work 40 to 50 hours a week and Mom has taken up most of my time off. I don't hate my brothers as I get that Mom wasn't much of a Mom or mother-in-law or grandmother for that matter. But after letting them know a year ago that she was declining with Alzheimer's and cancer, and still nada, I think I'm not going to bother letting them know when she dies. Is that horrible?

I feel for you I am in the same boat. The log is a great idea although you will never be appreciated from them because they are wrong and they know it. They will answer one day for what they have done to there Mother just do the best you can and one day you will be rewarded for it. I have alot of greed in my family, (wanting the house, money from inheritance etc) the funny thing about it I have saved my Mother $140,000 dollars that is what she would of paid if she stayed in the nursing home. No one else wanted or volinteerd to take care of her so I stepped up that was 2.5 years ago and I am still taking care of her 20 hours a day. Have night herd a thank you or anything they are just worried about he Money. My mother has multiple probelms 02, colon desease, dieabetes, high blood pressure and other problems and they keep saying she can take care of herself. Can you imagine that not wanting my Mother to pay for 3 hours a day out of her own account to be taking care of because they want the money later after she passes. How sick can these daughters be doing that to a 87 year old My father would be ashamed how they treat my Mother. My self I will keep her in her home as long as I can the truth will come out later. Take care everyone.

So sad these stories! But sad for them and sad for the parents! We will have peace in our hearts when the time comes and NO sallie there will be no "punching" we keep our dignity until the end THEN a few drinks and we let rip!!! You know nothing "ugly" just let it "all" out then walk away with a smile and get "closure"!!
I often wonder if ill ever speak to them again when mum goes BUT then i thought hey what the heck i will let them know at every opportunity how much i cared for mum the presious time I HAD with her and make them feel like crap!

My brother never forgave dad and didnt go to his funeral thats ok thats his choice i wish he had for his sake as he still has so much anger inside. My sister was hysterical at dads funeral as she had a row with him over her driving (yep shes a crap and dangerous driver) and they hadnt spoken in months? How on earth is she going to feel when mums gone and shes never been there for her and hasnt seen her for almost 4yrs? I dont know how some people can live with themselves? My poor mum lost her own mum at just 17yrs she was in US when her mum died from kidney failure and in those days couldnt get back in time for the funeral by ship a catholic funeral the person is buried within three days so mums ship wouldve taken longer! mum still at 77yrs has nightmares that her mum is calling her? i beg my sister to wake up and make her peace with her but she wont listen and shes a christian? Ive learnt to give up on her my brother is in denial cant cope? my other sister is in cloud cookoo land wondering where her next holiday is going to be? Thankgod i have one "saine" brother who is preparing and phones mum every night even if she cant hear him!
Oh families dont you just love them! My brother and I discussed this the other night he says do you have any idea just how messed up they will be when shes gone? Oh yeh but i am trying to let them know now but its not going in?
We will all here walk away with peace knowing we did everything possible to care for them the only thing i ask for is that i am there when mum passes I think i deserve at least that i want to be the one to hold her hand when her time comes will be pissed if another sibling takes that from me!

Hi I have read all the post under this topic and I've got to say it only made me feel this heaviness deep in my soul. I am not here to criticize only to encourage you all !!! You see I too am my mamas caregiver in my home for the past 5 years and for at least 2 years while she was still in her home. I am the youngest of 4 all girls.I am the only daughter living in the same city. My dear Mama has vascular dementia at 91 she fell and broke a hip and the doctors in the hospital said she needed to go to a NH .They said basically she had 1 month to live.I was already pissed at my sisters because they were constantly telling me what to do for my mama and not lifting a finger.. I'm going to get REAL NOW GOD spoke to my heart and said "take your mama home with you" and I cried out why me GOD what about them ? He answered with the first will be last and the last will be first ??? Well then , I am a Christian and had read the entire Bible 2 years prior to this encounter with GOD and knew the parable that JESUS was teaching but I just couldn't figure how could this be for me ??? I was the one doing EVERYTHING. !!!!! I tried to ignore GOD and continued angrily to search for a NH with my oldest sister ( who had always stated that my mama would be living with her when the time came) . At the end of the day GOD never stop telling me "Take your mother home " I never said a word to anyone !! I then became physically ill I left the hospital and went home and sat down with my husband and two teenage boys and told them what had happened to me.and my husband and children said " bring her "I am here to tell you I really didn't want to but I did !!! Was I happy NO!!! Was I angry Yes but we turned our guest room into a mini hospital and the rest of our house. We had caregivers hospice you name it but I was Pissed! well to make this long story short my mama is now 96 blind needs 24/7 care still with me and my husband !!! I've gone through all the hurt ,anger,pure hate, that you all know so well. You name it I've felted it BUT..... GOD has redeemed me !!! 5 years after he gave me the parable HE gave me the second part Matthew 20:16 many are called but few are chosen !!!! As I reflect on the past 5 to 8 years the question is was it worth it and the answer as you all know YES GOD is so good HIS word has taught me LOVE ,TRUST and rely on Him !!! I've been set free My heart is slowly on the mend and I no longer hate my sisters glory to God ,,, Hatred was killing me it was controlling me I lived it it consumed me BUT NO more the sisters are the same GOD Bless them but all along I thought I was doing this great and mighty work taking care of mama and all along GOD has kept her here FOR me !!!! Yes as I feed her dress her bathe her work all day and come home to her and care for her all night "just as a baby " but one who is so demented one minute she loves me the next she abuses me the next min she is scared. GOD Bless my dear Mama for hanging on so GOD could snatch me up into HIS loving arms and Teach me HIS ways. GOD is GOOD oh by the way prior to my mama coming to my home I had been caring for my Husband 4 major surgery ,nerve damage and severe depression only 51 years old !!! Glory to God He no longer is severely depressed off all pain meds still has pain but lives with it much better Mama gave him a purpose again !!! That's redemption Our children have mature into good young caring men !!! when I think back to my childhood and my mama always there for us always serving us or anyone in need and the thought of her dying would instantly make me cry as long as I can remember . Her quality of life as we see it is horrible and I often wonder why a loving God would keep her on earth when she has been promised Heaven. Oh one more thing I had been praying for a new church and for my 2 sisters that hate me and don't talk to me .God sent me to a great church and on the day that my husband and I joined God said " you asked for two sisters I have now given you 4 thousand brothers and sisters amazing I had and still have tears of joy!!! Many days people at work (I also work in a hospital) would say GOD will bless you and I'd think yeah what do you know as your making your dinner dates,vacation plans! Plenty of sleep fun fun fun poor me I felt like a prisoner ,we'll you know all the things..... We give up .. But they were right God has blessed me He saved my life I was so low I had no were to go but to HIM. You see honoring your mother and father is a command from GOD that comes with a promise . Remember when your facing that coffee pot in the morning and the devil whispers in your head something like "too bad you didn't sleep last night cause you were up with Mama but I bet so and so slept good oh and by the way they just bought a brand new expensive car to drive on their vacation" YOU Just laugh at him cause he is a liar and a thief !!! Don't let him steal your blessings !!! I truly believe that we have all been chosen by GOD to take care of our precious loved ones and are rewards will be far greater than we will ever deserve or can imagine . May the God of peace bless you all in JESUS mighty name amen

rosey1, your post was most helpful to me. I know my siblings will perform their "show" at the end even though they have not involved in her life since she became ill. When they needed a babysitter or house sitter my mom was always their first call. I know my mom feels safe and loved when I'm here.

msdaisy, your post really hit home for me. I do all that for both my parents. Food shopping, cooking, cleaning, wash, bills, meds, doctor appts., etc. Never once has any of my siblings ever asked if i need help or have ever asked how my mom is doing. They suck, plain and simple. Their spouses are the worst, too. A few weeks ago I said the care is getting to be too much for me. Do you know how they handle it? They don't respond. They are now not speaking to me. If I never saw any of then again I would be completely ok with that.

Ino, thank you for your post. I'm confident you'll forgive me for being cynical - there were some bits that I couldn't see working in my jaundiced head, not yet anyway; but the picture you painted of the devil making mischief I find genuinely helpful. You're right: it's one thing to feel stressed and tired and overwhelmed, another to be feeling envious and resentful because others haven't joined us in the same boat. Thank you again.

Agecare, the heartfelt thought that it would be quite a relief if we never had to see certain family members ever again is one - sorry Ino! - that I share. But if their help would actually, as a matter of fact, help you or benefit your parents, then do persist. It's worth it. The worst that can happen is that you continue not to get help from them; but there is always a chance that things might improve. We're going to see a respite care home tomorrow, and to my (I hope well-disguised) astonishment my brother rang this evening to say he'd see us there. My mother's thrilled to bits (eye roll!), so she's looking forward to the trip now. A mixed blessing, I expect you'll agree, but… not nothing. People don't offer because they'd rather not think about the situation. If you give them specific things to do, sometimes they'll surprise you pleasantly.

I'm praying for all of us to have peace!!! Someone at work today asked me if I had made arrangements for my mothers funeral ? I told her that I had not and I starting thinking about it... You see I'm not her POA or her Execator ... My oldest sisters husband is the exector and has been telling me for years that I should plan her funeral ... Yeah that's right .... And stupid me a year or so ago I visited many funeral homes and got an idea how much and so on . My one sister who is mamas POA and the only one who visits a couple of times a month and we talk almost every day decided that we ( we means me)would just wait until the time comes .She said " it would give us something to do" Personally I don't want to plan mamas funeral !!! I don't even know if I'll be able to face anyone I feel the time is is getting closer each day she is sleeping more and is so thin it is breaking my heart! The sisters and their spouses are the last people I want to see if mama dies before me.I know it's wrong but thoughts I've had 1. Don't tell anyone and just quietly bury her. 2. Post it on Facebook and go on vacation . 3. Do nothing and wait and see what the creep exector will do ( my sister and him only care about mamas money) 4.plan the most extravagant affair and spend all the money that I have of hers on it.... My heart is breaking.