We are a military family & this is the closest we've been to my home in 8 years. Mom has lung cancer that spread to the brain and multiple tumors that have appeared in the last 5 weeks. She is declining mentally; trouble remembering & speaking clearly, as well as physically with seizures & weakness in her right side. I have been there from day 1 financially, emotionally & physically (when I can with my toddler & 4 month old as well as living over 100 miles away). I've helped her understand what is happening to her, as well as her options. Se has gone from being scared and in denial, to content with life & at peace with what must be. We pray together & share fond memories & I do what no one else thinks she can handle...I tell her the truth & allow her to talk about death. I say allow because my older sister thinks that is stressful & says mom will pull through this. My mom is beginning to suffer but wants to hang in because my sister isn't ready to let her go. She will undergo 12 additional radiation treatments and chemo just so she can go out "fighting". This was never her wish. She never wanted to prolong such a fate & we even discussed it with doctors before her mental decline.
My sister is going to be her primary caregiver, not by choice. She is forcing the role upon herself so that we don't "get off thinking we're in control". My mother wishes to live in comfort, with as much dignity as possible & in her own home. I want to provide in home care (all paid for by my husband & I) and allow her to live where she chooses.
My mother is afraid of my sister & everyone knows it. It has been this way for many years, but because she is her child, mom doesn't want to see the truth. My sister wants to keep her in her 2 bedroom home (sharing a room with my 10 yr old niece) with exposed subfloor on the downstairs, no shower( just a claw tub mom can't use) & no access to food without anyone getting it for her. My sister works full time & can't afford in home care (I had to pay her mortgage so that my niece would have a place to live-avoid foreclosure). I'm not trying to sound haughty, but after that, she replayed me by writing a bad check and cursing my family with profanities and lies.
I don't think mom is safe with her. My sis is 15.5 yrs older than me & mentally & physically abused me from 3-16 years old. I'm not just being dramatic or trying to sway your opinion...even her councilors & psychiatrists have tried in vain to get her to understand the severity of her disorder. She is bipolar & abuses her daughters ADHD meds & takes them with diet pills.
In the past she has openly shamed my mother for being incontinent & messy. She lied to hospital officials saying to not let me or my family visit my mother & call security if I tried. She called my husband and cursed him out because I "taddled" on her when I mentioned (to my brother in law) that we were leaving the hospital so that they may return (they left as to avoid us). She has such a hatred for me & my mom says its jealousy from my birth, since I've "always wanted to take ma away from her".
No one can reason with her. She hangs up in the middle of conversations & lies to make it seem like I'm the problem. I don't even understand why she puts so much thought into what I'm doing because I've only helped my mom. only since her last diagnosis has she stopped saying mom was making excuses. she has denied my help even when it benefits mom, just so she can be praised as the one who "takes care of ma all by myself". She even tries to shame me by saying in front of others, that I never help...if that was the case then my mom wouldn't have many of the comforts she enjoyed.
She screens my mothers phone calls & even her husband doesn't want to go up against her because she has been physically abusive to him as well. Still I have outsiders say "you two need to get over your issues for your moms sake". I have no issues with her. All of what I've mentioned was for the understanding of the reader. I love her as a child of god & pray for her often. I don't understand why she treats people this way & would deny me the right to simply visit my mom. It's hurting my mom too, but she doesn't want it known that she is the reason all the problems start & openly denies & tells me I'm stressing my mom.
I need help. I said goodbye to my mom during this last visit because I'm sure my sister won't let me see her again. I won't be able to go to her funeral. I've been thrust into a state of mourning before truly losing her & it's shameful & sad that it comes at the hand of a person who has abused & tormented me my entire life. This is simply the final display of her abuse of power...to keep a dying mother from her baby. Should I do anything or make peace with my loss?
If it can be presented to her that it would be a generous, magnanimous gesture, not for your benefit, because you are clearly evil and don't deserve anything (in her opinion), but for your mother's benefit, because a mother still loves all her children, however unworthy, she might be induced to allow a visit or two. (Sorry for the long sentence!)
You might have to do some grovelling that you shouldn't have to do, but if you can let her be right about everything, she is more likely to relent.
Of course you know the situation best, and I could be totally wrong. I am so sorry for your situation.
No matter how badly it hurts me, I've chosen to avoid this & give my mother the peace she deserves. She eventually won't remember me anyway & by then, the visits would just be for my sake...if I grieve & move on now, I hope to avoid further pain & threats of violence.
Wash your hands and seek and pray to Jesus Christ of Nazareth for you, your Mom, and your sister.
You say you're a military family. So is mine. Ok, where is the strength, the spine, in this family? Why in God's name has your sister been allowed this much power, and why in the hell are you all tip toeing around her like you're on egg shells? Piss on that.
Next time she gives you any shit, and won't let you see your mom, and starts acting like some out of control lunatic, you tell her that you are going to call the police on her and insist on a psychiatric evaluation. Tell that bitch that you'll have her ass in a psyche ward before all is said and done by the time YOU get done talking, yes indeed, and you've got witnesses that can back you up in front of any judge, several people in fact that think she's a nut job and a danger to your mother. And then see what happens. She plays hard ball, you play hard ball. The end. You win. You don't need to FEAR this loon, you need to FIGHT her tooth and nail. You don't think your mom is safe? Then what the heck is she still doing in that woman's clutches? Call the damn cops for God's sake. DNA and family ties be damned. Lose this bullying bitch once and for all, for every body's sake....
When I saw this scene on Game Of Thrones, I literally laughed such an evil, happy, gleeful laugh.....This is my fantasy interpretation come to life, thank you GOT, of how I think the entire world should handle bullies, losers, abusers, narcissists, crazies, downers, and the rest of those kinds of undesirables.... ha ha ;)
Just go to You Tube and type in Dany and Viserys. :)
Her mother is stealing her medications and she has to share her bedroom alone all night with a dying woman who has seizures and will shortly go into respiratory arrest which is terrifying and noisy. That child or her grandmother needs to be removed from that living situation immediately. Make a phone call right now to the CHILD ABUSE HOTLINE in your State and ask for immediate action. You can do it anonymously if you wish but DO IT. Your mother will not be able to tolerate additional R/T and chemo and the Oncologist may decide to stop it anyway. Mother is at the stage when Hospice would come in, if allowed. Any Nursing staff or social worker who sees the conditions your niece is living under is by law mandated to report it to child abuse. all that being said I am going to try and send you a personal message as this is so urgent.
It seems simple. Just tell her off & take charge...the only thing that will do is lead one or both of us to the local jail. It's not like a normal " crazy" person. I carry bear mace when I'm in town just so I don't get caught out there. She threatened to kill me & tried to fight me in the street like a dog after I asked her to honor her repayment timeline for a loan. & tried to fight me while my then 5 month old baby was in my arms.
My niece is autistic, but she won't get her properly evaluated...probably due to embarrassment. She has gotten her kicked out of 3 preschools & 2 elementary schools for fighting with staff. Any help is seen as criticism & she attacks in any way possible. She physically fought my grandmother (years ago when she was like 68). She needs to be committed, but no one will do anything & I care too much about my family & security clearance to stoop to her level...which is the only thing she responds to.
Well, no, sometimes it's not as easy as simply telling someone off and they go away. Would that it was. I'm trying to wrap my head around your post.
Yeah, you can buy those lift chairs for stairs for the elderly...
Maybe it's just my weirded out mind, but you're describing a nut job 7 ways to Sunday. You just said this woman needs to be committed. That she's a real danger. You're carrying MACE around. The woman attacked YOU, with a baby in your arms, you claim she literally tried to KILL you? Sorry, Mama, but had that been me, I would have claimed self defense at some point and would have taken a base ball bat to her ass and beat her within an inch of her life had she threatened me and mine like that. Um...security clearance? What security clearance? You have a monster like that in your midst and you're sweating a security clearance? Your own mothers freaking life could be on the line, you say she's afraid of this crazy bitch, but you're discussing security clearances? What the hell...? You say 'nobody will DO anything'?? Did I hear you right?
All I've got to say is....you don't want to hear what I've got to say from this point on.... I feel the need to take a real deep breath.
I find it hard to believe that police won't do anything, especially if you can prove what you say.
When she attacked YOU, w;ith a CHILD in your arms, did you call the cops? Report her? File a restraining order? Tell the cops that you feared for your LIFE? Ask, INSIST, on a psychiatric evaluation? You did? And they wouldn't DO anything? Nothing about this makes sense to me.
I'm not trying to guilt you, but your story is so outrageous I find it hard to believe. Someone threatens your life, attacks you for no reason, and the cops just blow you off? My, the world certainly has gotten jacked up these last 10 years.
And I just called you on a very confusing post that made no sense to me whatsoever. If you feel any guilt about this mess, don't look at me. I'm not putting it there. If hard questions make you feel guilty or negative, don't look at me. That wasn't my intent.
And kids can get kicked out of school, because their crazy parents 'fight' with staff nowadays? If the fighting was so bad that kid is getting kicked out of school, did any of these teachers see a red flag flying and call anybody?
Like I said, I can't wrap my head around it. You have witnesses to crazy behavior. You yourself said this woman is crazy enough to be in a psych ward, which means she's a real danger...but nobody, not you, not the cops, the teachers, can to do a single thing. Makes no sense to me. At all. Sorry.
Inner peace, you say? I personally wouldn't be peaceful in your shoes, but that's just me. I'd be uneasy and pissed off as hell.
Oh, and everything Veronica said. I agree with everything she said, based on what you're saying. Glad I'm not the only one who sees red flags here.
To address some concerns:
I've reported her to the cops many times 1. They say its a petty "he said she said" squabble that the police should be left out of. Even when witnesses came forward, police said there was no crime committed because I had the sense & agility to not let her physically harm me. 2. I can't (what was told to me by police) file a restraining order or protective order in our case, because according to them, she lives too far away to pose a threat. When I told them I visit my mother & other family in the city, they said I'm doing so at my own risk.
My mother has always been afraid of her, but very much in denial about it. Se claimed it was speculation & wrong for that matter, when anyone told her otherwise. She often denied it fully, WHEN I would get her help...because for some time, she was dependent on her financially. I was in college & she didn't want me to worry, so I didn't hear about that for many years. It sucks, but I often seem like the only one with a problem with any of it so no one acts.
My family wants to keep her out of the prison system, so like many people who enable & defend, they take her behavior & tell everyone who has a problem to pray for her & that she doesn't know better, or that is how she is. Yeah, sounds crazy to me too.
My nieces father has become a drug addict since the divorce, so the courts keep her with my sister. They won't visit the home & I honestly don't know why...nor do I know why she hasn't been taken away. Al I do know is that no family members will take her because they don't want to deal with her mother.
The fights between staff at the schools caused officials to dismiss my niece because her parent was a danger to staff. (She picked her up & dropped her off daily) I don't see how that seems odd...aside from someone being stupid enough to fight at your kids school.
I feel no guilt by any of what was said. I think, based on the seemingly agitated & angry nature of some of your posts, that your intention was more about saying that I'm wrong or not doing enough & less about giving me any helpful advice or comfort. No one opens their door expecting to get crap thrown in their face, & I didn't share my stoy expecting an inquisition. That's the problem with the anonymity of the Internet...it takes away ones compassion. Kick her butt is not good advice, but I definitely won't say I haven't thought of it. I'm an avid gun collector & have a mean headshot so...yeah, the thoughts have crossed my mind. There is a reason why many abuse sufferors don't go to the police...fear or retaliation or just good old police laziness & lack of help. Many who report situations like mine (I know a few people personally) say the cops often literally laugh & tell them to come back when they've been assaulted or physically hurt. The system is broken. That's why child a users & drug addict get their kids back & those kids die in their care, or why elder abuse is so prevalent...because, like you, no one believes its happening. When they do entertain the thought, it's often accusatory stating how one should have taken action sooner...& the loop begins again.
I sincerely thank you for your comments. While we may not share the same views & you think my story is nuts or made up or whatever, just know you've helped someone who's dealing with a horrible situation, channel their feelings long enough to understand them fully. I hope others don't go through what we've dealt with. I won't deal with it again. So, yeah...if I've helped you understand, great...if not & you still think its a load of crap & that you could do better, I'd love o meet you so that we may trade lives for a while, or better yet hire you as my bodyguard :)
I'm just...boggled. It blows my mind that nobody, not you, but authority figures, cops, teachers, are just...doing nothing, have done nothing, blow this off and don't see a problem. I don't understand how this individual has gotten away with this bad, outrageous behavior for so long! What the cops told you in your second paragraph just makes me go O__O. I mean...seriously? Has the system really gone that far downhill? They think this is a joke? And nobody will visit the house, look into this? I mean...what in the hell is going on? I'm flabbergasted! And disgusted.
Hearing of the reaction of other family members concerning your sister goes a long, long way in clearing up a lot of things about all this for me. They have indeed enabled her bad behavior... Just...ugh...
Like I've mentioned before, because of care giving, I've been living under a rock for a long time, away from humanity. This story, the fact that absolutely nothing can be done about this woman and her craziness, just royally pissed me off. I don't accept bad behavior into my world. You sounded too passive to me at first, I'll admit it, and I am sorry about that, I didn't mean to come off so hard... But now, I'm just angry at those stupid teachers, those so called police, the whole stupid, broken down system if that's how they handle these things! It's mind blowing. It's almost hard to believe that that's how things really work now, that there's some lame excuse from authority figures as to why nothing can be done... It's insane. And that poor kid! No authority figure is willing to check on her? I am blown.
This story is like something out of the twilight zone. I'm not surprised that your niece was thrown out of the schools, I'm surprised that the damn teachers didn't see her as enough of a threat to call someone!
I am sorry if I pointed a finger at you. I realize now that you've been trying, with obviously no results. Again, I'm just...shocked. Shocked that people get away with this bad behavior, that the kid is living like she is... And there's just no help to be had, from anyone, from anywhere... It's incredible. I am so sorry that you're having to deal with it. I can't even begin to imagine...
We have guns, too, in the house. I would have been tempted to use one by now. Good Lord...
I think I'll crawl back into my cave now. It's safer there. Sheesh!
Do what your heart tells you, sweetie. If that is just a free consultation with an eldercare attorney to discuss your options, so be it. The attorney should be able to present the options, expenses and chances within that first appointment. I don't think you should do this alone. Given the fact that your sister is prone to settling things via the violent route, the legal way might be the only way to protect YOU and your mom. A legal trail of breadcrumbs and concern, of sorts.
I am so, so sorry for the pain of not seeing your Mama. I can't imagine how much that hurts. I would give everything in the world to have another day, another hour, another few minutes even - with my own Mom. I took care of her until her last breath, but there are still so many things I wish I would have said before the disease took so much.
Now, at least mull over some of the things that folks here have suggested. Most of these people have been there or ARE there. Sometimes the wrong words are chosen by posters. We're human.
Are you still inclined to get some help to get access to your Mom? Get things done with your voice and your hands and document everything. In it's own notebook, IN WRITING. Know what dates you called and were told (and by whom) they could not help you. If your local social services department won't listen, call the national child abuse hotline. Write letters to everyone that you have attempted to complain to and ask for the agency and/or person that governs that department. The moment a door slams, look for a crack in the window.
Now, the last thing -- our politicians. Start with city and go county, state and federal if you aren't getting answers. Write to Michelle Obama. Park yourself on your state's Capitol steps with flyers and a sandwich-board sign if you don't think you're being heard and then let the local newspaper know you're going to be there and why. WITH your notebook of who declined to help and why.
QUESTION AUTHORITY. My life's motto. I hate to put it this way, but I can be quite the little b*tch when I'm tested. Think about the squeaky wheel. :) But do it respectfully and legally.
There are times that peace is an elusive thing only because it's time to replace it with being proactive. If that is the place you are -- where there is way more pain, heartache and concern than any good person deserves, then do your best to change it.
Whatever your choice, examine it and ask yourself if you'd be happy with that choice in a year, two years, five years. You'll get your answer.
Many, may hugs to you, MamaLlama. I'm wishing you all the strength, love and fortitude you can stand. :)
Kicking someone's ass will get you nowhere. It's an unclassy way to go about adult problem solving and it will only make you look ridiculous. Being adults, we act like adults and approach our problems in a mature, adult-like manner. Pay no attention to anyone who may challenge you on the internet. This is a site for compassion and support. Take what you want here and leave the rest.
As some others have suggested, start banging on doors and writing letters. You can't deal rationally with someone who is irrational so forget about trying to get your sister to see reason. Her problem-solving skills don't seem very effective.
Be as aggressive as you'd like to be, as aggressive as you are comfortable being. I would start with an elder law attorney. If you and your husband were going to open up your home to your mom and all the finances that entails put that money to some good use and consult an attorney. That's where I'd start.
Then if you have more fight in you, and no one would blame you if you didn't, then you can take up your niece's cause and see about getting her a better situation. But again, you've got a lot on your plate if you're going to fight for your mom. The niece situation might be more than you're prepared to handle, understandably so.
We're here for you, MamaLlama. Most of us don't judge or question the validity of what you say. No doubt you've got a mess on your hands with that sister of yours and there may not be a clear cut solution where your mom is concerned. It's easy for someone to tell you what you 'should' do, we're not the ones having to deal with it. I think you're very bright and obviously capable and will do what you think is best. You've taken many steps in trying to get your sister to be accountable, again, how far do you want to take it and will your mom suffer as a result? I think you're doing fine and I'm so sorry you have to go through this but as someone said, once your dear mom has passed you never, ever have to see or talk to your sister again. And if you want to go to the funeral, then you go. No one can keep you from it. But if you choose not to go I'm sure your mom would understand. I sure would.
We're always here, MamaLlama. :-)
'The moment a door slams, look for a crack in the window'... Love it.