Follow
Share

After caregiving for my mother for 13 years and experienced a gradual recession and cruel treatment from my immediate family, I am realistically 'seeing' this as the case. It's easy for people to brush this claim as false, but they're usually not caregivers (this was by fare the worst Christmas I ever had, as my family All ignored me... ). Not looking for sympathy, and I'll probably 'make' it through this huge stage of my life, that has impacted my years... But, wondering what you think (your perception)...

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing

52 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
I recently had a rant on another thread about how dementia in general, is still treated like a dirty little secret. Perhaps caregivers get the blow back from that. Back when I was still working I was a district manager for a retail company - my district had 12 stores in malls in three states and took in millions of dollars annually- yet that was easy in comparison to managing my mother! And I didn't live with her. I think unless someone has experienced it - it's impossible to fully appreciate the hard work and the mental and physical toll being a caregiver to an elderly person can be - especially if dementia is involved.
(5)
Report
I think what you're saying certainly has merit. In my family I find that no one really has a clue how tiring, mentally and emotionally, the caregiving is, nor do they care, and it's seen something for "other people" to handle. The other people is me. And though I know it's not always true, caregiving often falls to the daughter for a myriad of reasons, one being that women are still seen as lower.
(6)
Report
What you say is true, Heart. I taught in universities and did research for 25 years, but quickly became a domestic in the eyes of family and people around me. It is one of those "oh well" things, considering my family and the community I'm in. I fall back on a spiritual commandment -- Do things that are to the benefit of all. I really don't care how they feel about me if I know I am doing something that is good. The only thing that is trying to me is to be treated poorly by the person I'm caring for. I don't think she even sees me as a person, but just an extension of herself. That is hard to live with.
(9)
Report
I never seemed to have noticed any stigma that caregivers are 'lower' class... even before hiring caregivers. Surprised anyone does as one doesn't think babysitters or those who take care of children during the day are "lower" class.

I think when family and or sibling become cruel to the caregiver, it probably is done out of guilt.
(6)
Report
Our social status is still largely dependent on our level of wealth. Caregivers with bottomless resources can hire in extra help that allows them keep their place in society. The rest of us lose status because we often have to choose between the needs of our care recipient and our own needs.
Then there is the puzzlement from non caregiver types about why we are doing this at all, they have nursing homes after all. (Why does that bring Dickens to mind? lol)
And of course there is blow-back from the the low regard we place on paid caregivers, who are unfortunately poorly paid and often seen as people who couldn't qualify for a better job.
(8)
Report
Well, I have to admit that it's easy to think that way. I remember back in the years when my mother was still self-sufficient, seeing other people (mostly daughters) out with their parents, buying groceries or eating in a coffee shop, and thinking these were individuals who had no lives of their own, and nothing better to do than tend to an elderly family member. I wondered who in their right mind would want to spend their time that way, what kind of person would be so unevolved that even as full-grown adults they would still be so attached to their parents? I thought that healthy adults just went out on their own and never looked back.

I thought that way until my mother got old and started needed help. She and I had a very friendly relationship as adults, so I did offer to do some things for her at first. Helped her get the house ready for family gatherings, etc. - things that had grown to be too much for her but were still within the purview of what a friend or helpful guest would do.

It quickly developed that she had a list of chores she needed done whenever I'd come down for a visit. Eventually I moved to be closer to her, thinking she should have somebody around in case of an emergency. Over a few years, she became so needy that there was no way to leave, and so demanding that I came to regret ever moving anywhere near her. But my fate was sealed by that time. And realistically, there were few to no alternatives.

Of course I see things differently now. I see caregivers out there and I wonder - what kind of life did this person want? What would they be doing if they didn't have to do this? I almost want to ask them, but I don't for fear of offending them.
(6)
Report
It is so interesting to me that family members want to give advice and suggestions when they havent been to visit or only visit for very short periods of time. They are very busy talking to other people or using the Internet to get information on how to take care of my husband. Various "people" and the "internet" dont live with him or take care of him. If they would put more time in his care I would be more receptive to their thoughts. Very frustrating. So, I guess I do feel a little looked down upon. Im here day and night and feel I should get credit for making good decisions.
(6)
Report
Well said Carla and Missy... (I'm mainly thinking of caregivers taking care of their own loved one and getting sucked into it... no knowing what lay ahead... until it's too late). The siblings that growing up said "I'm here for you" have been long gone and invisibly unavailable which has terminated our family completely. This does a number on your self-worth to say the least.
(4)
Report
FF makes an interesting distinction between caring for babies and children vs. caring for older people. I was thinking of that last night while watching PBS' Call the Midwife; there was so much attention given to pregnant women, although that's been a focus of that program from its inception.

And there are social services to support parents or carers of children, while the comparable services are available not so much to caregivers but to their elders, and the services are income based with more limitations.

I do think though that someone who hasn't been through caregiving has no conception of the emotional or physical demands, or of the side effects of short and long term burnout and medical and mental deterioration of the caregiver.

Perhaps it's b/c babies and toddlers are so often viewed as cute and cuddly, the future of woman and mankind, while elders are at the end of their lives. I suspect w/o having done any research that some people rationalize noninvolvement or failure to give credit and support to caregivers b/c we're taking care of people who may be considered to no longer be in their productive years.

I also think that's a strong difference in approach by cultures. Native Americans do NOT treat their elders the way Caucasians do. From what I've read, neither do Asians. So, what is the inherent difference between the races? I don't know.

I do know that it's often harder to find intellectual challenge in caregiving. I try to think of it as including some project management aspects, so I can equate it to paid work and approach it more rationally.

That as well as the domestic nature of caregiving might be intrinsic to any perception that it's more lowly work. Investment banking it's not, but I would never choose that profession anyway. I'd prefer to be proud of what I did.
(3)
Report
Ever since we moved so that my inlaws could live in independent living, other members of the family treat my husband and I as afterthoughts. It's as if we no longer are educated people able to hold conversations about things other than how my inlaws are doing. I can't remember the last time I was asked to bring a dish to a backyard barbecue because I can't remember the last time we were invited to one because my husband and I seem to have become a package deal with my inlaws. I'm fed up with talking about how my inlaws are and want to tell people who ask "If you're so curious go and see for yourself" but that would be rude, which would make its way around the family at lightening speed.

We are the only ones in caregiving roles for parents right now. Ten years from now (hopefully fewer) when I'm the one walking the Great Wall of China, feasting on fresh seafood in the Greek Isles, and sightseeing in South America, I will be sure to send postcards to all the currently oblivious family members minus the "wishing you were here" bit because that would be rude and a tad passive-aggressive.
(5)
Report
You can't really compare educated childcare workers who run a day care or the neighbourhood teen who is earning extra money to eldercare workers. I don't think that people who are full time nannies get much respect either, they often are foreign workers who are treated as indentured servants by their employers in much the same way live in elder care workers are.
(3)
Report
I was the youngest and a stay at home mom so became the one to take care of my parents. My mom has already passed but taking care of her was a privilege and the most rewarding thing I have done, I have no regrets. Did I feel like what I did was not as "important" as the rest of my family? Absolutely! When I asked for help and the response was " I have a job" threw me over the edge! Just because what I was doing did not produce a paycheck, did not mean I was not doing a job. Everyone's job in my family was always a priority over what I was doing. Vacations and time off was not spent helping with mom or giving me a break. Sadly I have come to realize that this is not unusual in many families.
(5)
Report
NY Daughter, loved the post card comment lol,!
(1)
Report
NYDIL, I long for intelligent conversation. I want to talk science and politics. I'm starved for good conversation. I go on FB a few times each day just to touch bases with people who talk about something besides my mother, religion, and children.

It really bugs me when I go out and someone asks me "How is your mother?" I want to say, "You don't even know my mother. Why the heck would you care how she is?" Of course, I don't. They have no idea that everyone I meet has the same question for me in opening the conversation. I just say she is the same and leave it at that. I don't know why people label you as caregiver, then assume you don't want to talk about anything else. Sheesh!
(5)
Report
((((((heart)))))) sorry you had such a miserable Christmas. It is horrible being snubbed by immediate family. I have experienced that. It is worse when you are the one looking after your mother. It is unacceptable behaviour, IMO . Things only change for me when I changed. They have not and, I expect, will not. ((hugs))))) Look after you.
(3)
Report
Golden... Can you iamgine my brother's exact words (when he only called to my mother to wish her a Merry Christmas... and then pass the phone around so his family coul 'only' talk with 'her')... He said " i just want to 'acknowledge' you on Christmas"... I said "to see if I'm alive?"...
(2)
Report
Dear Heart2Heart, I think being a caregiver is one of the hardest jobs in the world. And you have done it with care and compassion for your mother. I'm so sorry to hear what happened over the holidays. Its not right. I too look after my father and felt my siblings "ignore" me. I felt invisible and dismissed. And there is still lots of anger and resentment during my dad's life and after his passing. Its hard to be the good one. And yes, I guess I could've said no and just walked away, but I didn't. You have beautiful qualities like honor, duty and loyalty. Do not let other define us caregivers as lower class. We know better. And we cannot control how others behave or think, but even without their acknowledgement, we must continue on the best we can. I know it hurts. I wished more people were kinder, but sometimes they are not and there is nothing we can do. Big hugs to you.
(2)
Report
I've never noticed this stigma that you describe. To me, it's an honor to be able to stay in the home and be a caregiver for a senior, especially a parent. I suppose that if I ever seem hesitant to that kind of situation, it's because I think that some are not as attentive to the senior as I would think they should be and if the senior has dementia, I also feel that the care for the whole person may not be top notch, but, that's just me. Maybe, I don't see the whole picture.

I'm sure that some people do an excellent job and the best that they can as a caretaker. The trouble is that it's very difficult to do the work of 3-4 people in the home with little outside help. It sometimes looks sad looking in. I know of one family friend who works 24/7 as her mom's caregiver. Her mom has severe dementia and some persistent health problems. For years, she has refused to allow anyone else to help with her mom. She won't even leave the room for 5 minutes if her mom is there. It's quite alarming to me. She won't hear of respite care from one of the other siblings. These are cases that concern me.

I just think that some family member caretakers may not realize their limitations and it's not a benefit to the senior.
(1)
Report
Heart2Heart, you should be proud of yourself and hold your head high. As cdreader said above you can't control others. I felt the same way you did on many holidays and finally (better late then never) let go of others behavior and comments. I learned to expect nothing and therefore was not disappointed. I had absolutely no guilt or regrets when my mom passed. I can not say that for everyone else. I did what I did for my wonderful mother and no one else and I can honestly say that although I thought she was unaware, she knew what wonderful care i took of her. You should know that you have a special place in heaven right beside your mom. I hope you find peace and comfort in the new year.
(2)
Report
Thank you Rose... I really appreciate your compassion and kind words. The things that bother me the most are the ways my siblings and their family ha negatively affected on my home atmosphere and life (since my mother lives with me). My mother even depicts/sees me in a 'negative' way, because she thinks everything around 'her' is all 'my' problem. She has no idea (or is denial) over 'my' role in caregiving for her... She doesn't look at having her here with me is a 'priviledge' vs 'entitlement'. She always 'defends' her sons, as they are "married and have a family" (I'm not a person in her mind). She's now 89, so it's too late for much to change... the damage is definitely done... I see know changes... so, I've started to back off on things I used to do with her (which I thought meant 'something'... but, obviously doesn't). It's turned into,much of a nightmare for me... I only hope that I can minimize the regrets (towards her).
(2)
Report
I wish I could EDIT!!!...

I mean she sees living with me as an 'entitlement' Not a 'priviledge'...
(3)
Report
Heart this is easier say then do but ignore what your mom says to your brothers. If you heard my dad talk to my siblings on the phone you would think they are the perfect children. I have come to realize that the one who is closest and does the most gets the shit end of the stick. What gauls me the most is when my dads says to me to clean up because my sister is coming! Well if my sister gave my dad a shower and took him him to the doctor then maybe I would have more time to clean up his breakfast and do normal stuff around the house. However, that is not going to happen, I don't even get too mad anymore and just say things like, think I want to get a shower myself before I clean up, sorry, the maid has off today, should i stop filling your medicines and clean up? I do things to please myself as much as possible now. If I want to have friends over on the 4th of July and my family says we are coming up that day, I say sorry, I am busy but you can come up on the 5th. Many times now they come a completely different weekend. Also, I don't feel obligated to entertain them if I don't feel like it. I have already said I need to run errands, how long are you staying? Then go out. It is sometimes less stressful for me if I don't hear what they are saying. And I always make a point of saying, make dad lunch while you are here he didn't eat yet! If I am planning on taking dad to the mall or to Sams club (which he loves) i no longer change my plans.
(3)
Report
My dad is 87 so they are about the same age. When I am having a busy day I have dad help as much as possible, he complains but oh well. He always says what can I do to help but he doesn't always mean it. I have him fold face towels and wash rags, put silver wear away from dishwasher, empty old food from fridge, Swiffer floor from his wheelchair. I used to stop what I was doing to make him lunch now I say as soon as I am done i will. I think he now undetstands all that we do for him and is more tolerant and appreciative. The more that I have ignored my siblings the better that I feel. Even when they have their many suggestions i used to explain why their suggestion was so stupid in my opinion now I just say ok, gotta go put dads clean wash away. Sometimes to get a jab in i do say, back to work, bye!
(2)
Report
So sorry for all i wrote! I didn't realize it was so long, I stopped and started 5x
(0)
Report
Rosebud and everyone... It's so good to feel like you're not alone. I like you philosophy Rosebud... thank you for your experiences... I'm trying more to tune out the siblings... the holidays and birthday (for 'mother' of coarse) is the worst... I don't want to hear or ne involved with all the 'kiss-ups'... Like you... I get so tired of being the 'slave/go-to person/all-knowing/not-knowing-faulted person... etc. when I can't even think straight to do anything which concerns me in my life... no,wonder so many caregivers start to go downhill in their lives... I know that Christmases, etc will never, ever have the same meaning for me... I've already started to get rid of Christmas things/memorabilia, etc... I think I need to get rid of things so I can plan my escape one of these days... (oh yea, I'll try and see my mother through after all the time spent with her... but, in the meantime... I'll cleanse for 'my' future)... And, I'm working on what you said... tuning out... (and, saying "NO"... sounds so good... Thank you so much.
(2)
Report
You go girl!
(1)
Report
Thnak you... (I meant Rosebush... but, you're a Rose'bud'... ready to infold!
:)
(1)
Report
Lol. Thanks, I answer to many names, my dad will call me my moms name and not even realize it.
(1)
Report
I have to agree.. yes Christmas was the worse this year. It was bad enough that there wasn't one and what really put a rotten touch on it was the fact and I had the same thing happen Thanksgiving too. People who claim to be your so called friends and tell you that you are a wonderful daughter and they wish they had someone like you to take care of them the way I do when they get old. Yet during the holidays when you really need a little support from those so called friends they don't even know you exist because you don't even hear from not a single one of them. Now.. when you do finally hear from them you get well.. How was your Christmas? Did you have a good one? and I am like. Do I look like I had a good one?? My way of thinking. if they are lucky.. my so called friends.. maybe they will have a good son or daughter to take care of them as well as I have taken care of my parents but if I were them I wouldn't hold my breath,
(3)
Report
Heart2Heart, a big Bravo to you! I think what you say is true. When my Mom was still alive and anyone asked what I did for a living, when I said caregiver for my Mom they just looked at me. No response. Almost like the whole idea made them uncomfortable.

I don't know who it was that said this but whoever said that when they were out and saw someone with their elderly Mom or Dad in the middle of the day they thought "don't you have a life?" I used to think like that too. I see it so differently now. Even this Christmas my younger brother seems to be so disdainful when I discuss the times with my Mom and incidents that happened. He seems like he wants to roll his eyes or something. I remember whenever he came to visit Mom and I was there he would look like he just wanted me to leave. Or he would get her in her wheelchair and disappear with her leaving me to wander behind. I really think he thinks he was the "apple of her eye" and I was like the clown cleaning up behind the horse in a parade. There was one week when he took the keys to my Mom's place from me so I could take a break and he said one day he went to see Mom and her lock had been busted in cause the paramedics had to break in the door cause Mom had phoned them when she had fallen once. I brought that up at Christmas and he doesn't even remember that happening. Where I remember every second of every bad day with Mom. It just annoys me.

I don't think he will ever stop believing that my Mom adored him and I was just the fallgirl.
(4)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter