My mom died a few months ago, and I'm still suffering the aftermath of being a full time carer.
My mom and I lived together to the end, and it was very stressful on me. I even had to manage her bowels and make sure she went three times a week with lactulose and even glycerin suppositories--if she did not go in three days she would literally be impacted (a big hard ball life a softball and unable to pass it) so it had to be removed with the finger and enemas. Do you think you can handle taking your mom to the emergency room for disimpaction? I never regretted taking care of mom and she died in comfort surrounded with love and my ever-diligent care but at great sacrifice such as my life and well being and taking care of mom decimated my life savings. Now I'm 60--she died age 90--and I may never be able to retire. I cared for mom for decades. I got married strictly for financial considerations so I could get on Obamacare subsidies and when he dies I at least get his social security. You see what mom has done to me and being a caregiver. But I love mom I gladly did it to make her comfortable and the best quality of life possible for her.
If you are a chronic caregiver--one who gave up their life for your parent--let me assure you one day you will lose your mom and feel as lost and alone. She was the center of my existence for decades. It does something to your head and it's not good.
What helps is remember we all will be dead someday--days will turn into centuries. Even if you live a 100 years, life is SHORT and brief because centuries will continue to pass..thousands of years will continue to go on... My mom lived to be 90 and was nothing short of a miracle considering the multiple health issues she had including being practically brain-dead from the worst end-stage Alzheimer's you can imagine. But she was always comfortable except when I had to turn her to clean her bowel movements or change her diapers due to urination (5 or 6 times a day!)--that's the only time she would moan to turn her, but she HAD to be cleaned up! Otherwise she would be very comfortable and I never had to give her any narcotics or psychotropics..not once. Mom was surrounded by love and she knew that even with her end-stage and she died at home surrounded by familiarity; her home and my undying love was her universe. Mom was my universe. She was on hospice for two years, but I used them like a home clinic for routine labs, weekly weights, and hospice supplied me with all the diapers, tube feeds, feeding pump, tubing, and dressing changes (I changed her feeding tube site daily), skin-friendly adhesive tapes, etc. The hospice nurse never had to open up that comfort pack..not once. Mom really was very comfortable to the end. Her accuchecks were also great to the end (I had her on insulin for decades). And thank God for the feeding tube she never had to die of dehydration. Ironically mom died not from Alzheimer's but another natural cause--same would have happened without Alzheimer's.
But if you are a post carer--just live on. Redefine your life. And find yourself. Do what you want to do in life. It's YOUR life. Not hers. YOURS. Perhaps I'm writing this to remind myself of this.
Recovering now. Yes I work for a living because I have to. Attending school to get my Master's degree. Recovering. It's hard. but I also feel a very strange peace. I no longer have to worry about her. My biggest worry if something happened to me nobody would care for her like I did. So yes I feel peace, and she died with love, comfort and in her home. Nobody can ask for a better end-of-life than that, and I gave that to her.
Yes, it wasn’t without complete sacrifice on your end and I admire your strength and commitment to her.
You followed your conviction and were true to how you chose to live. It is a personal choice. It sounds as if your mother was very grateful for your care and I am happy that both of you shared a close bond.
I do feel that you cared for your mom out of love and not because you chose to be a martyr.
I am glad you are at peace and I feel your mom would want to to be at complete peace with her death. I am glad she was not suffering towards the end.
It sounds as if you married for convenience only. That is your business. It is not my place to judge you. I hope you are at peace with that situation too. If not, it’s never too late to change it.
I cared for my mom as well. I love her, always have, always will but the fact remains that we had a complicated relationship and I was not able to continue caring for her.
I am sure that you realize not everyone is capable of being as dedicated to their mothers as you were. We all have different situations.
Do I have regrets about my decision to ask my mom to leave my home after 15 years? No, I don’t. I have sadness at times.
Do I miss my mom? Yes, but I don’t miss the agony. I am grieving for what I never had in a mother and daughter relationship. I do have a healthy relationship with my daughters.
I would like to end by saying to be kind to yourself. You are grieving the loss of your mom that you were completely dedicated to. It hasn’t been that long. Grieving is a process with several stages.
I encourage you to seek therapy if you need it. I should have entered therapy for situations I went through sooner than I did.