notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I am very happy you have your sis to talk with. My daughter told me I made her my emotional support person. It broke my heart to hear it but it was true. I tried to get counseling in the last year, however Medicare is not accepted. I did find a place where I would be counseled by an intern. That did not work out as after I poured my heart out to her, she graduated sooner than expected. I didn’t want to start over again.
i always enjoy communicating with you as things are brought up for me that I have deal with. Stay the course
Thanks! Unlike sis, I only slept 3 hours last night whereas she slept the whole night for the first time in about a week. I called her today to check on her and was glad to learn that she had slept well. Although, I did take my before I eat pills today, I somehow managed to miss the rest until tonight. I hate day like today and my med reminder app on my phone reports that I'm only talking about 61% of my meds each week.
I decided that while we were on the phone that I would tell sis a new label for where we are now since we left being inlaws long ago and most recently have left being siblings. I told her that in my opinion she had earned this title from our lived experience of sticking by each other through thick and thin and hoped that I had earned it as well. When I said that we are each others ride or die persons, she said that she had never heard of that term before. I said this is a country word for two people who through lived experience have come to know how much they can trust each other because of how close they stick together through thick or thin. She said that she liked that phrase. This is a complimentary phrase that is earned not given. She has earned it. As far as I'm concerned there are no more levels.
I'm glad that your daughter and you had that honest conversation. I'm puzzled about counseling for I'm on Medicare also. My therapist takes it plus the supplement that I have which helps. Keep looking for one. Do encourage your daughter to get some counseling for herself.
While I tried my best to be discrete, I did in places leave myself wide open for whatever. I am glad no one decided to take some cheap shots.
When I left for college after my senior year of HS, I got very serious with my mother and very much right in her face and said, look you are married now and have been for the last 7 years, let me go. That's the nearest I ever came to saying what needed to be said but later I learned the words for it.
Some may not want to believe this, but my various therapists have told me that such is more common than people think.
One more thing and this is for you and your husband who sounds like he was partnered by his mom. The title of the book,
When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment
It may be too late but who knows. There is also a more explanatory book about how those partnerships develop.
Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners
It's likely how raw I still feel over it, but to call this between a child and a parent enmeshment is lame and not really honest. It is covert incest often called emotional incest.
Thanks and possibly, but I have spent years still living in those coping mechanisms before getting a therapist who could see what they were and how to help me. Most coping mechanisms provide a sense of control like female rape victims often feel when they take a shotgun with them to the place they were rapped. That's a very minor example. Thanks again. Nite!
Did you get a chance to read part III of what I wrote?
What I heard from my mom while growing up.
I am glad to hear when someone shares that they experienced a good mom.
However, when they verbally make a list about them, it often triggers me to think.
1. All I ever heard from mom in response to an accomplishment was don't let it go to your head.
2 All I ever heard when I was all emotional was don't feel that for I will feel it enough for both of us.
3. Constantly running down my dad and saying that she really wanted a girl not a boy.
4. She tried to raise me on a pink pillow for as she said, she did not want me to be a man like my dad.
5. She made me a substitute partner whom she called mom's little man plus told me that I was man of the house which meant that I had increasing responsibilities to tend to things at home and by the time I left for college wondering if they were going to make it without me.
6. Mom told me from age 10 onward that our relationship was special like other moms have with their sons which continued after she married again.
Once I saw how wrong all of this was, I told her before leaving for college in a very serious voice and very much in her face which backed her up against the wall "you are married now and have been for 7 years, let me go." This was the start of my recovery which had started when my mom's doctor told her to stay home and let me play football. My dad said that experience was my salvation. Even after high school and most of college, this was not an overnight change, but I kept trying to gain more and more freedom.
In going forward, I made athletics and academics my way of gaining more male influence and as one therapist put it, seeking to prove that my mom's efforts to the contrary had not worked.
In academics, I reached as high as one can go. On top of that and from that I wrote a published book.
Concerning athletics, my dad said that I was in semi-Olympic condition my junior year in college. I wasn't even playing any college sports. I just wanted to exercise. For example, once a week I would run 8 miles in 46 minutes just for fun. The old gym and pool were in the next building to where most of my classes were. I often swam between classes, and I rode my bicycle everywhere. In my mid 40s I was in powerlifting competitions from which I retired with a max bench press of 315 and I'm only 5ft 7. I went from that to learning TKD with my sons for years. I did eventually get therapy, but I never got totally free from that early influence.
Please mamas don’t make your sons into substitute spouses.
Im Very focused on my husband. I have noticed he has no bar soap in shower since august sometime. He won’t use shampoo. I asked him today why he isn’t using soap. He won’t give me an answer.
He either has a depression or a cognitive decline. Why else won’t you not use soap. I’m not a man and I know men thing different than women, but he looks homeless most of the time.
im going to call his dr tomorrow.
Sorry to hear about your husband. That behavior sounds very strange. Keep us posted.
I realize that much of this is due to narcolepsy which I'm waiting to hear from a specialist about seeing.
Today, I received word that one of my Amex cards was canceled due to a failure to pay.
I looked it up and discovered it had not been paid since it was due in August. I went ahead and paid it in full plus the fees. I don't know how that escaped my attention. Also, I have double-paid what was due on a few credit cards for a month or two. I am really getting bad about taking my meds like I should.
What is wrong with me?
"Those who make you feel uncomfortable have no business being comfortable around you."
My hubs got up this morning asking me if we were back from our vacation East of here. He said we were staying in a house exactly like ours, even the furniture was the same. My cats were there and very comfortable with the surroundings. I asked him a few minor questions since my goal was not to cause any alarm for him or to argue about it. Then I said have you eaten breakfast, he said no. I said let’s go out for breakfast (this was to redirect his thoughts). This has been very alarming to me after having two parents with Alzheimer’s. Yet I’m reading about how Covid brain fog is very real. My hubs will not admit he is struggling even to the dr. I’m going to call the dr office Monday.
Sorry to hear about your husband. That does not sound good.
Yes, I do have such a thing on my phone, but I need to make it loader to get my attention.
i hope everyone has a sunny day.
Success (noun)
Walking from failure to failure until you win.
now that I know he had sepsis and pneumonia, I understand better what is going on with him. Dr said it will take up to 3 months for his organs to completely recover. Covid brain fog is a real thing we were told today
R is doing better. Yesterday he was pleased as he remembered something he thought he would not have remembered earlier. I would agree - I see him slowly doing better memory wise and the aches and pains are easing with PT and some meds. I hope the neurologist can do something about the dizziness which is better, but still there. According to the PT, it's a disconnection between his brain, his eyes and his ear balance organs. He doesn't feel it when he is sitting quietly.
I agree, Your husband should be thankful that you care enough to schedule appointments and go with him. I know you don't have an easy relationship. Definitely as we age healing takes longer.
Take care and enjoy those grandkids and pets and keep us updated.
“Be the reason everyone else needs therapy.”
Pre-annoyed (adjective)
You knew this person is about to p***ss you off even before they say anything.
Hold my halo.
I'm about to do unto others as they have done unto me.
“Don’t allow someone to treat you poorly just because you love them.”
So I became the treat"
A quote I read on Instagram, not sure who said it. But it's soon true