The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Way, That's a good one, mine has been lately, "it is what it is" in other words I can't change a darn thing but myself.

That makes a lot of sense about the anger. Ive had that I'll call myself me pre Aging Care and post aging care. BAC and PAC , 😆 . I've been a bit angry at why did I let my flowers die from lack of water and moms look beautiful. So that anger makes alot of sence

The Lost feel, yeah I'm expecting that to be rough,

JHoward, mom use to do that about her funeral too. Not so much anymore. But yeah she has this fantasy funeral in her head, where everyone is in uncontrollable greif standing at her grave. Why she wants people she loves to be traumatized in that Way. Narssasisim, probably just about sums it up

@JHoward

My friend, all the commentors here (Anabanana, waytomisery, Anxietynacy) all of us know where you're coming from and have either a parent or in-law like your mother. I know I certainly do.

Let me tell you from experience. Living with the guilt-trip is way better than allowing your mother to own your life. You can get past the guilt tripping by going to counceling and talking about it. Or by talking to people like us who are or have been in the same boat as you.

Sometimes, many times, people like your mother have to learn the hard way. They need a practical lesson that they are not going to be catered to now will they get what they want through manipulation, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or verbal and mental abuse.

You need to teach your mother this life lesson by ignoring her demands and her needs. Let her fend for herself. Know why she has to learn this lesson at 96?

Because she didn't learn it at 26, or 36, or 76, or 86. Clearly she's been catered to her entire life and someone else has always been responsible for her and went around putting out all the fires she starts.

Stop today. Just stop and ignore her. Ask the police to do a wellness check on her if you want to check up.

When she's hungry enough, she'll eat the food offered where she lives.
When she gets needy enough she'll learn to mind her tongue and start being respectful to the people who help her.

Let her know plainly today that if she wants any kind of help from you it is going to be on YOUR terms, not hers. Also, if she wants to live out her remaining time outside of a Medicaid-sponsored nursing home she had better learn some self-control and that NO ONE will be catering to her demands.

If she continues to act up, have nothing to do with her. Her life today is the result of the choices she made and how she chose to live. That's not on you. So don't let it be. Please seek out counceling to help get you out of the F.O.G. (Fear-Obligation-Guilt) you are lost in.

Good luck.

My new mantra that I have come up with this week is

I will not swim in her pool of consequences .

It will help me with what is going on with MIL , which is more than what I have posted ( whined ) .

I hope this mantra helps someone else too.

I am the daughter (only) of a suspected covert narc, also groomed to fulfill all needs. I had no idea my upbringing wasn’t peachy until I had kids of my own. I am trying to shed my anger, learn to enforce boundaries and stop people pleasing. My mother’s 99 so funeral planning is something I may soon have to face. The “public vs private” aspect enrages me. Friends and extended family think sugar goes to her for sweetness. My husband, kids, a few close friends and staff at the care home have witnessed what she’s like around me. It worsened but did not start with her dementia.

JHoward, like yours, my mother campaigned against hired help. Outrageous accusations. I figured she was trying to make sure I kept doing things for her. “See how I’m the victim of awful things when you don’t fulfill all my needs?!?” Geez, do you ever need boundaries with your mother! You have value! Make her accountable to herself. And save yourself!

Anxiety ,

Yes , the amount of anger I felt was a surprise . Not only was I angry at my mother , I was angry at myself for letting her control me too much for too long , even though I had gotten somewhat better about boundaries to a degree over the years .

The other thing I felt after she died was for lack of a better term ….lost . A big part of my days the last 12 years she was alive had become about putting out her fires . I got depressed and had to figure out how to live a more normal life . I had forgotten how.

Howard, waytomisery is exactly right, all she says is 100 percent right.

Many of us are going through the same thing, you should post a question in the question section, it's easier, and you get more replies, I joined 6 months ago, felt very much like you. I tell you life is still hard, but it's easier because of things people have said to me and having the support, so stick with us here, it does help

Reading what waytomisery said about the anger feeling after her mom's death, is something I just learned that I haven't thought about. So now I can be prepared for that feeling, in a better way.

As for dementia, I have no doubt your mom has some decline, are brain starts to die after a certain age. Learn more about dementia, Google Teepa Snow. You may see more similarities than you think.

Best of luck, stick around, many of us are exactly where you are.

As for funeral for my mom, when the time comes. I'm just waiting to see how I feel at the time. My brother is POA so Im not doing any of the preparation, but to be honest I'm not sure if I'll even go. I'm just waiting to see how I feel when the time comes, and how I feel.

@ JHoward ,

You don’t have to visit this woman nor bring her food .

I totally understand the pull of obligation . I too had a narcissist for a mother who groomed me to be her servant for 40 years.

Let me tell you , my mother will be dead 6 years this November . I’m still dealing with anger at times .

But here is the thing , you can only change your behavior not hers. I learned that very late in my mother’s life .

Please put yourself first . Your mother will be a nasty person no matter how often or how little you visit .

I would encourage you to give up POA or any responsibilities as it can be difficult to find placement for a difficult and/or violent person . You don’t want her in your home . Let her become a ward of the state .

Your mother has earned her consequences . You have no obligation to be on her sinking ship with her. You don’t need this headache . As a ward of the state they will make sure they place her somewhere .

As far as dementia, my mother had dementia and the doctor told me it was like throwing gasoline on a fire . The fire being her narcissism. So your Mom very well could have early dementia . I just thought it was Mom being Mom also .

As far as her funeral . Sounds like nobody would want to come anyway . I don’t see why you need an obit in the paper at all. That solves your no service by request dilemma . Just let the people know who need to know she’s gone .

You don’t owe this horrible mother a good farewell . You don’t need to follow her wishes. Trust me when I say you will be angry when she’s dead . Relieved but also a lot of pent up anger will boil over when you don’t have her controlling you any longer.

I do hope you are going to therapy . I’m so sorry this woman was your mother . You have nothing to feel guilty about at all . You don’t have to do what she wants .

How am I doing today? Struggling. My mother has always been mentally ill: Probably NPD and borderline, violent... She's very abusive and contoling. She's now 96. People she launches herself onto probably think it's dementia, but it's actually who she is.

She's in a particularly bad phase at the moment. Her approach to life has been to set fire (not literally) to everything around her, and then move (physically). She's lived many dozens of places over the years, often for only months. Sometimes for a year or two. I think she's moved about times. I went to 20 schools. She lived one place in her 70s about 5 years. Another time in her sixties for about 8. She's been married 5, maybe six times. She loathes anyone connected to her kids and grandkids, like friends and spouses, and especially pets. So they all keep their distance to the point of "no contact", or very limited contact.

She claims she is a "peaceful" person. Far, far from it.

Currently, she is sabbotaging the place where she lives. It's a minimal assistance place. She can get dinners, but hated the cook, so I cook and freeze meals for her, although I live an hour away and a 35$ return trip. (I'm 72.) That woman retired. There is a new employee (replacement) in her building of 8 suites, and she's out to get the woman. She's writing emails to the owners and managers, trying to get the woman fired saying extremely vile things. Mother tried to get me on-side. I said I thought she was being "harsh", and she went off like a bomb. The employer has a legal obligation to protect the woman from harassment. I won't be surprised if they have a lawyer step in during the next few days.

She wrote them an email in which she made all sorts of weird, false claims. She forwarded it to me, and I read it to a friend who thought anyone who read it would think she is insane. That friend has met her, recently, and agrees she seems pretty "with it". I don't think she has dementia. I've seen her lie throughout her life, and make bizarre claims before, over the years.

I feel like if they call the police or an ambulance, she will be taken to hospital (even further away and more expensive for me), and she will decompensate to the point that she will end up on a psych ward or in a nursing home chemically and perhaps physically restrained. She will go totally nuts - although what that looks like, I don't know, given how she has always been. I don't feel the need to protect her from that. I can't, and I don't want to, and I certainly don't want anyone to think I can take care of her in my 890 square feet.

I'm able to manage a few days of her nut-stuff, but then I panic. What happens if this, or that?

One of the things I've been thinking about today, after her now weeks of decomensation behaviour ... This is weird: Months ago, she went over with me and the "funeral director" what she wants. She wants a "tea party" with white table clothes, sandwiches, etc.. I always planned to pawn any speaking (etc.) off on her brothers. But she is predeceased by all of her siblings. My own siblings hate her. There are people who don't know her who would not understand the animosity toward her, but I think many would understand. She says she's considering her "options". I think she may be contemplating suicide. I also think she thinks everything is everyone else's fault and I very much doubt she has that kind of courage. I think my two 1/2 sisters (her children) would be happy to show up and totally trash her. I have nothing to say about a woman who beat me constantly as a child and did no end of s**t. All I could say do without spilling the beans is give birth a death facts. Marriage gets into weird stuff, as does residences (moving back and forth across the country multiple times).

What I really want to do is to say, "No service by request". Although that request would go against her wishes. I've spent my life doing what she wants. I don't want to do this, and I don't want to feel guilty about that too.

Hi Anxietynacy - I think that's fantastic about working on a list of things you'll do and NOT do under any circumstances - that is perfect! Setting boundaries is so important in order to take care of yourself. That's an empowering feeling and I'm glad you're feeling much better! The rest should fall on your brother being the POA. 

I need to do that better. I'm going to try to work on that. I really appreciate your motivating words!

Hi Beatty - OMG, Your "Mission Creep" description is spot on ...and the questions of "Where am I?" and "How to climb out?"...are exactly what I was asking myself yesterday and today....your timing in writing this was so perfect. Yes, Beatty...I get you too! 

I, too, am feeling so alone...I'm right there with you.  And the "background" sibling too....and yes, my sister barely does anything. She'll only surface when she's afraid of me totally bailing on my parents.  And yes, I know the feeling of "never getting a word in" and "so focused on their lives". I left the city to go to my parent's house to take care of a lot of responsibilities for them - I planned on staying thru the wkend - I'll never last.  My mother is already in one of her raging moods - it's hideous.  But, once their physical therapist showed up at the house, she became this pleasant, lovely woman to him...she can win an Oscar for her acting. 

I called my sister this morning to give her an update....my sister talked over me and she was more interested in talking about the date that she had last night. 

Beatty, I totally understand about having a cry tonight....I had mine yesterday - I really needed it. I hope things get better for both of us. And, happy to hear that you met a kind pastoral care worker today...that's uplifting and inspiring! 

Beatty,
Glad that you met someone kind today!

Beatty, (((((GREAT BIG WARM HUG)))))

"I think caregiving is insidious...it starts little by little ..." Yes Hopeforhelp I get you.

'Mission creep' is a term I learnt on this forum.

I saw it as a slide into a bog. A deep sticky bog. Once in it took time to feel the reality. Where am I? How to climb out?

I am also feeling so alone. I also have the 'background sibling'. So background..

I went to visit. To discuss it all. Never got a word in... so focused on their lives.. younger kids. I get it. But still so alone. Having a cry tonight.

But hope lives. I met a kind pastural care worker today. That was a positive.

Hopeful, I'm working on a list of things that I'm willing to do and things that I under no circumstances will I do and sending it to my brother that is POA.

It's helping me feel more in control and less used. Then moving forward he is going to have to decide what to do with the things I am unwilling to do. Giving it to him to figure out is making me feel much better!

HI Anxietynacy - I totally agree with you - this Forum helped me in so many ways. 

Happy to hear that you're pacing yourself and letting others do the work while taking a break. That's very important to take this time to recharge - you owe it to yourself and your own life!  And who needs to be popular with a dysfunctional family anyway! I've made friends my family these days. 

I'm trying hard to be more cognizant of my own life and for my own self care. We need to make sure to take care of ourselves!  

Sending you my very best wishes and much appreciation ~

Hopeful, you are so right, at the beginning it's a few errands, then groceries, then added doctors appointments, little by little you loose your life and your freedom.

Luckily for me I joined this forum before my life was completely gone. And I try not to do more than I can mentally handle. Actually taking a bit of break now and letting others do the work. To get my head back on, mostly guilt free. But is not making me very popular with my
dysfunctional family.

Best of luck, any questions ask away

Hi Anxietynacy & Golden....really, thank you both for your kind and very thoughtful words ...and for reaching out - it does really help me! 

Hi Anxietynacy - happy to hear that you've thankfully had a few good days this week...and yes, I can totally agree and relate to the "rollarcoaster" that caregiving brings. I think caregiving is insidious...it starts little by little ...and before you know it, you're on overdrive and you don't even recognize yourself or your own life anymore. 

I think my feeling "numb" these days seems to be my only way to get thru stressful situations - to put "blinders" on in order to move forward. I realize that it's not the best way to live - it eventually backs up on me.  I think today was one of those days. I'm feeling a bit blue - and that's not typical of my natural personality...but a person can only take so much. 

I'm trying to assist parents and a single aunt - they're all in their early 90's....it's a small family and basically all on me - my sister stays in the background...every now and then, she'll make a very small effort, but only when she sees the impact it's having on me.  And of course, none of them planned for their senior years.  And, when it comes to dysfunctional families, they're right up there! I could write a book.  

Hi Golden - your wise words and direction actually helped me to take a deep breath and center me - really thank you. What's dragging me down is I think caregiving is such an isolating feeling - I suppress most of it. I've tried to organize as much as possible for them - ordering their groceries weekly...getting meals sent...taking care of all of their mail, bill paying and finances - bringing in a housekeeper once a week to keep their homes clean and laundry, etc...but I get pulled into their urgencies and issues and crisis situations that arise and I'm constantly going back and forth leaving the city and going there ...and I've struggled with doing anything for them, being that I've suffered significant emotional and physical abuse by them in my adult years.  It's still very hard to speak about. 

I'm just trying my best right now - just praying each day and trying to get back to the me that I once was. Thank you both for listening and for your supportive words...it helped a lot! 

Sending you both much love ~ 

((((((Hope))))) Please step back and take some "me" time. Caregivers need to look after themselves too. Prioritize the tasks and do the "must do" ones, and let some of the others go. Senior parents can get tunnel vision and not realize the burden they put on their child(ren).

There is a difference between "needs" and "wants". Your job, if you chose to do it, is about making sure your parents/relatives are safe, have food, shelter, finances in order, i.e. see that their needs are met, but not to look after all their wants. Looking after their needs is a big job. Looking after their wants too can make the job impossible. Looking after more than one person becomes a too heavy burden often. You are only one and you have to look after yourself too, or the whole thing falls apart.

Can you give us more information about what is dragging you down?
Does your family have any other resources -e;g; money to hire some help, or go into a facility?

This situation has to work for all concerned and that includes you. Take care of you!!!

Hopefullyforhelp, sorry you are going through this, I have bad days too. Have had a few good days this week. It's a rollercoaster for sure.

But you sound like you are burning out, when your numb that's when I feel like it's getting to be enough is enough, you need to find a way out.

Is there a way for you to get a break so you can breath. I hear you on dysfunctional family's !!

Your not alone! Anything or question or venting go a head . We're here to listen

Hi - How am I doing today? Hmmm - not very well. My emotions come in waves. Usually, to get thru the stress of caregiving responsibilities, I seem to detach from my feelings in that moment just to get thru all of the work and tasks; and compartmentalize my anxiety, worries, and thoughts about the impact it all has on my own life. I feel like most of the time these days, I just walk around feeling numb. But eventually, it all bottles up and then I'll just feel a floodgate of emotions ....I guess today is one of those days where my heart literally hurts. Ugh.

Truthfully, I wish that my wife had been willing to leave her toxic mother decades ago. However, life is much better with her mom as well as my mom dead. I wish that her identical twin sister would have too as her husband sure did.

Hear hear Anxiety!

Gurshen, that's exactly how I feel. I left my family for ten years, then my dad died and there I am again, taking care of mom. Then all my issue came back, like I hit a brick wall.

I use to joke that maybe I was switched at birth, because they just are so different than me.

And since joining this forum and getting help other places , I've been getting the old me back. And man they don't like me.

And that's ok, cuz I realized, I don't like them all that much either. 🤪

Anxiety, I can relate to not liking who you are when you are around your family. It wasn't till the caregiving journey got really ugly that I started to become myself. I had always tried to fit in with my family up until then. I never felt I was like any of them. I felt like the outcast. Then when nobody stepped up to the plate for my mom and most of it fell on me that I realized that maybe I had something strong inside of me that they didn't. They don't seem to like the real me very much but that's okay cause I never liked who I was trying to be to fit in with them.

I guess you have to risk not being liked if you want to be your authentic self.

I've related this all on this forum before but it bears repeating especially if someone out there can relate and does not feel so alone knowing others feel the same.

Anxietynacy,

Good. I'm glad that your caught yourself and self regulated in a different direction.

We must have boundaries to help us avoiding becoming who we aren't.

Yoda, it was a very brief thought, just surprised me cuz that's just not who I am.

Probably why I don't like being around my family, because they turn me into something I'm not.

Anxietynacy,

You are welcome. "Doing things to his bed in anger or in his bed as a selfish escape? Either would be a flea because it would be more like a narcissist.

As far as time goes, tell me about it. I already had been dealing with toxic memories from my childhood and teen years, but I've been in therapy since 2009 when the really bad stuff, buried memories, came to mind. I've made a lot of progress. Most of my coping habits are behind me. As a statement on TikTok once said, 'you will come to despise what you were once so attracted to when you heal.' True, at the same time though, I have one coping mechanism that declines and rises according to how my emotions are, being triggered, plus returning or new memories.

Well, enough about me. I wish you the very best in dealing with your own fleas so we can all be as free of fleas as we can actually be!

So my brother stays at moms, one weekend a month, mom thinks she needs to wash his sheets and make his bed after.

Now she can't do that, she thought I was going to do it. I just through the sheets on his bed.

But in my mind I was thinking of things I'd like to do to his bed. Lol if I acted on that I would of been considered a flee?

Thank you Yoda, that makes a lot of sense now.

Coming from a dysfunctional family , I try to really learn about all this stuff.

I'm sure I've had times that I have been a flee.

I work on my emotional maturity, but there is always more to do , to be the best human I can be, and be educated.

Thank you so much

Anxietynacy,

Here is the address for the website where the article came from.

https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas

One man I know whose wife has borderline personality disorder shocked me when he told me about his one night affair with TMI which gave me mental image of the person. He and his wife did get therapy. However, he told me that one of the first things the therapist said was to his wife, "your husband is not a bad man, this was a coping response to your sickness." I'm not sure how, but they are still together. Sometimes a rape victim in anger and hurt will return to the scene of the event but carry an automatic rifle which is not like her, but it gives her a sense of control and closure. Often times girls who grow up with not much of a dad will go wild looking for love in all the wrong places literally. I met several of those in high school even in Christian groups who in a secluded area would come on super strong. Many in the sex industry who are not there because of human trafficking are there because a family member raped them. They hate the men who they make money off of. Sorry, I'm so full of extreme examples and I'm not saying any of these could be at anytime possible of you. But these are the things that people get caught up with that began with being bitten by fleas and either not be able or just not getting help they end up somewhere that is really not them.