notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
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And well done DoggieMom, you have some great goals there! 🐶
I was in a housecleaning blitz this morning (small goal but still feels good 😁).
Inching slowly towards one important medium term goal 🐌.. then onto the large ones.
My credit score is slowly improving, so hopefully within a couple years while using a limit set credit card ($200 a month) and having bad debts fall off I should reach the nice spot of 650+. I decided to refocus my aspirations on what I want by the time I am 45 (at least) and my focus is smaller, a nice mobile home that I am paying mortgage on and a pink truck with stickers that say dog mom on it.
Let's see, except for about five boxes I have the garage cleaned out of junk which has not happened since I have had a garage (which has been about twelve years).
You’re on your way to achieving your goals.
BRILLIANT!!!!!!!
I have to be honest here. I know what hard academic work is, and I know the pride. I am embarrassed to say I have kept my English 1A term paper that got me 1,000 out of 1,000 points with notes I should consider writing professionally FOR ALL THESE YEARS. I have it to this day. For years I forced it onto EVERYONE in the family. I mean that is one YELLOW looking document now, and done in the days when you sat hours in that library with note cards. No computers. Typed up on a Smith Corona, but it WAS electric.
I remain to this day enormously proud of my work.
You will as well.
This is incredibly validating.
CELEBRATE. You will have years in which to enjoy and remember this.
Make EVERYONE read it!
An academic journey is full of unknowns. That's the nature of it.
Wow - time to celebrate!!!🎈🎉💃
Anyway. Lord have mercy. She did not take a single point off for my final project.
Not a single one.
I got 100%.
That is so incredibly validating for me. I chose the most difficult topic (not purposefully), researched it, worked very hard, wrote the paper, and gave a video presentation of my "research" and statistical/graph analyses, and I got 100%.
I'm just so thrilled. It's so validating and makes me feel like I know what I'm doing... I have often felt like this academic journey is so unknown, and while I have a game plan, my stress levels sometimes make me doubt.
She wrote in all caps that it was EXCELLENT WORK. 😁
"There's no way in heck I'm getting involved in any more decisions my family makes about my dad's care. I will compile some resources and provide them to Mom, Dad, and Bro, but that's it." Awesome!!!! Good boundaries!!!
"I need to focus on my own healing OUT OF and AWAY FROM my caregiving experiences," Yesss!!!!
Re a better relationship with your mother - my parallel experience is with my sister. it took me a long time to accept the reality that she is toxic to me. I knew mother was, no problem, but sis was more subtle in some of her abuse.
Yes, keep on your path. I do find that distance helps - not just emotional distance but physical also. I would never have moved to this area when mother was alive. Her expectations of and demands on me would have increased.
Glad you have some peace about your mother's decision to be caregiver for your dad. If it becomes too much for her, then she will have to figure that out. She doesn't need to be rescued.
Anxietynacy - yes, because the one with knowledge will upset the family dynamics/fantasy whereas the golden child in denial goes along with it. BTDT. They don't want to face the realities.
sharyn (((((hugs))))) it's great that you are moving forward and putting up strong boundaries. Good for you for joining a painting class and going on a trip to California with your kids and grands. Both are very good moves towards building a good life for yourself. I'm glad you have a plan for scattering your sister's ashes and sorry that your niece made the decision that she did. You are gaining in strength through all of these experiences and, I guess, that's the best any of us can do. Keep in touch!
need - well said!
Denial is a huge problem. Sadly, the situation that you describe is far too common.
Ali,
Glad things are moving forward.
Sharyn,
Grief takes time to process. Your painting class sounds fun.
She will be getting paid for caregiving through the VA, and she's continued to take my dad's little bit of extra income for the past 6 years and doesn't want to give that up.
I have no issues with her being paid; she SHOULD be paid. And if my mom wants to do this and my dad's ok with it, I'm totally fine with it.
I don't understand why in the many previous talks we've had about my dad's care, she never just came out and said, "I need to do this for money for my own security." Instead, discussions about my dad's care were always as if there weren't other options, so she had to do the caregiving. And she often remarked about how much work it was and how much care he needed. And she's said she feels she's supposed to care for my dad; it's her duty. That's mystical thinking, and I can't wrap my mind around that kind of religious/new-age reasoning. Sigh. I've wanted to protect her from taking on more than she can handle, as she has done in the past, at her own expense.
But finally, I learned tonight that she wants the money. Fine. Now it all makes more sense, and I'm relieved. It's not my mom being overly enabling/enmeshing as she has done in the past; she needs the money and will be paid! Well, ok then! Why didn't she just SAY THAT? 😄
Hi, Sharyn. Your sister's death is a big loss, and also, the not-good home life with DH has to be hard. I'm sorry you're going through these things. I'm glad you have some things to look forward to, like the painting class and the trip in June. 💙
I have a painting class next month I’m looking forward to and I will be going to California in June with my daughter and grandsons plus my son and sil will join us. We will pay our respects to my parents sister and brother. I won’t be going to the graveside service for my sister next month. I’m very sad and hurt by this decision by my niece but, … not worth starting a family feud over it. I will spread some of my sisters ashes where she wants them spread with my family. So all is good.
im rambling so I’m going to sign off. Sending all prayers and love.
sharyn
Your class sounds interesting. Human behavior is fascinating and family dynamics are extremely challenging to cope with at times.
You have self awareness and that is going to take you far. It’s the people who don’t recognize themselves that run into the most difficulty.
You also have a clear picture of your family’s behavior. You aren’t in denial. So, I have confidence that you will figure out what is best for you.
I'm still not done with school just yet, as there's one small extra credit assignment I'll turn in tomorrow because I have no clue how well I did on my research project and may need the extra points. I unintentionally selected the most difficult topic from the three scenario options, but at least it was an intriguing topic. I wrote a fake study on the effects of Acceptance and Commitment Training (not "therapy," hee hee, I'm calling it by its ABA name, as ACT is rooted in stimulus equivalence and relational frame theory, and those concepts/theories are behavior analytic). Drawing conclusions from a single-subject research design (multiple-baseline across subjects) for something as complex as ACT's effect on individuals is FAR outside my scope of learning, but I read a lot of research articles to support my project and tried my best. I'll see how the paper and project go over with the professor.
I mentioning this stuff in case anyone's curious to know more about what I'm studying in school. Most behavior analysis protocols/methods are more direct in their representation of behavior principles, but examining ACT through a behavior-analytic lens was very cool. Modifying verbally sophisticated behaviors based on clarification (improved stimulus discrimination) of values and addressing experiential avoidance (reducing the motivation to escape from demands) is pretty rad.
Back to the fam and the C-PTSD: There's no way in heck I'm getting involved in any more decisions my family makes about my dad's care. I will compile some resources and provide them to Mom, Dad, and Bro, but that's it.
I need to focus on my own healing OUT OF and AWAY FROM my caregiving experiences, not willingly going back towards something that broke me. It broke my health, my spirit, and my heart. Don't ever choose to go back to things that you ran from! lol That's very unwise. Good call, Golden. And the "selfish" accusation, and many other accusations and labels my family puts on me... well, it is what it is.
It's funny-not funny how easy it was for me to imagine a better relationship with my mom after the past year and a few long talks, and then how easily she got me back on the treadmill to nowhere, seeking her approval, after our conversation a few days ago. I have a better understanding of her after those other talks, but that doesn't lessen my pain when she sneak-attacks accusations into conversations. This is a pattern for her; she's done it all my life. She's not a safe person for me, now or ever. I knew that, but now I confirm it again with myself, and again as often as I need to, to keep a healthy distance and minimize harm.
Many users of this forum are good examples of how to create the life you need for yourselves, away from being involved with dysfunctional family situations. It's crossed my mind that being a few hour's drive away may not be far enough. lol I was already planning to look into other schools in different areas while on break from classes. Maybe a move would be good for me. It's a decision for another day, but I can see how putting myself squarely on my own self-determined path will boost my clarity and confidence, and keep nailing down the coffin lid on the destruction from caregiving days. I'm not resurrecting *any* of that.
I've had a lot on my mind. Big (((((hugs))))) to all, and thanks for sharing your hard-learned wisdom over the years.
Just saw your add on about narcissism. I agree entirely with what you wrote. Mother was finally diagnosed with BPD at age 95 when signs of dementia started. She would never have gone for a diagnosis or treatment earlier and always rejected any suggestion that she had a problem. I think we see parental personality disorders and other mental illnesses in higher proportion here than the general population as we as caregivers have been and are severely challenged in our relationships with them. This is not "normal" self-centeredness.
Decent lives is a good word for it .
It’s not always been easy .
My father was loving in his own way but also blind to my mother’s afflictions until he was much older .
I think it amazing in many ways that we have survived and gone on the live decent lives.
I agree . Unless you lived in an abusive home you don’t know what it’s like . As you said , if we turned those labels around our mothers came back at us with worse .
I don’t know what it was like to grow up in a loving environment . All I knew was angst .
I also don’t understand how they come up with the only 1-3 % of people are narcissists ( or whatever the number that is thrown about ) . Most narcissists refuse to be assessed and diagnosed . My mother happened to have been diagnosed same time as her dementia diagnosis. After speaking with my mother ( without me in the room ) , the doctor asked me ( in private ) what mom was like when I was a child . The reason the doctor asked was because of the things my mother said to her. I asked the doctor what Mom said. The doctor told me , “ you don’t need to hear those things “ and told me mom had to go to a facility.
I know a lot of people think that term is used too much on this forum but , it stands to reason why people with narcissists for parents end up on this forum . If the parent was like that your whole life they could be a narcissist that was never diagnosed. Again , who knows how many there really are since they never go for therapy because they don’t think there is anything wrong . And of course there are different degrees . I read that a lot of people can have one or two traits of narcissism . When a poster comes here I don’t think it’s fair to assume that the word narcissist is being used lightly. Someone with a parent like that is likely to find this forum in desperation . The caregivers with pleasant parents aren’t looking for the same kind of support .
Alva - when the name calling is in the setting of an abusive family it's not just name calling but part of the bigger manipulation/dysfun scheme and affects us. You may get shunned or ranted at by family members for being selfish. Living with a mentally ill mother who raged constantly and also called me selfish or unpleasing to her in some way, as I did, is not just name calling, it's abuse.
I seem to recall that you have said that you grew up in a loving home. It makes all the difference. You did very well to shed your bro's darts.
However, I agree that learning to accept the label with equanimity is a very good way to deal with it and throws many labeler's off.
In mother's case it didn't matter how you responded, she continued to be abusive anyway.
In short, being called names in the context of an abusive family is not the same as being called names when you are in a loving family.
I'll tell you that nothing gets a name-caller as upset as your just accepting the name called with "Selfish? Really? Do you THINK so? I am going to have to think about that just soon as I have time".
Give them a sly look, a giggle and move on. They will spontaneously combust.
My Dad taught me many, many lessons. He had more parables than the bible.
One of the first was that old:
"Sticks and stones will break my bones
But names will never hurt me."
And you know what, I can't remember when a name HAS hurt me. They are just labels. Weapons that someone uses in desperation when they THINK the name will hurt you, when they have no REAL argument.
A much respected forum member, has called me passive-aggressive.
And the truth is that I CAN be. It's something I do to mildly annoy people who I myself find annoying.
You can't live long withOUT being called a mess of names I suspect.
And it was someone else right here on Forum who said "Embrace it"; she's right!
Because, quite honestly, hee hee, nothing will annoy the namecaller MORE!
There is also the fact I had a big brother, who when we were kids made me entirely immune to name-calling by tossing everything he could find at me: So hard to remember those now much loved labels, but "Dramatic Pill" (which he put to a kind of sing-song tune) and "GRET-ah" (meaning Garbo) stick! Hee hee.
Let me tell you something - you are NOT a selfish person, you never have been and you never will be. In fact, you are a self-less person.
Please let that sink in before you make any decisions.
And why is bro, who is there, not looking into the options but throwing them out as bait?
I won't go further as I have just woken up after a few hours sleep, but wanted to share this.
(((((hugs)))) Look after yourself!!! You are already carrying a heavy load.
Knowing I couldn't do anything at all, no matter how smart and obvious (like getting POA in place, which still is not done after a decade), without support from others in my family (harsh lesson from hands-on days), I called my older bro earlier tonight and had a short, to-the-point chat. Does he think it's a good idea if our mom takes our dad into her home? His answer was enlightening: "No, but what are the options?"
Aha. If I find options, better yet, teach my mom how to find them through the Agency of Aging, etc., is that something I'm willing to do..? Is this something that she will do? She said she would consider it when I talked with her, but she needs some hand-holding and hand-pulling in that direction.
Or do I just let it all go, keep a healthy distance, and say, "Sorry, things are so tough" every time my mother talks about the hardship of caring for my father? AND caring for my brother, whom she has financially enmeshed and enabled for a decade.?
My mom said moving my dad in with her would be easier on her, as that way she doesn't have to drive to his place several times a week. The underlying issue is that she should never have enmeshed herself as his sole caregiver in the first place. There are funds for his care. II believe she's addicted to being needed and so then is distracted from her own life/needs.
My dad's medical care needs have not escalated. I talked to him earlier, too. He's doing ok and can continue on his own with a little support for grocery shopping and such. I asked him if he wanted to live with my mom. He said, "It's been presented as one option." I asked him if he'd like to go to another place like where he is now, and be in his own apartment, and he said that's fine.
I have two parents who do not plan for the long term and aren't up to making good decisions for themselves. It's no surprise they married quickly after meeting in the '70s, had three children, and were divorced before my younger bro was born. That was a long time ago, but the patterns remain. There is no planning things out or considering consequences.
I need to tread carefully, mostly for my own sake. There are a couple of months before my dad's IL closes. I can find housing options and get him applied. He told me I could do that.
The reason I'm so against my mom taking him in is that she has already done this dysfunctional enabling/enmeshing thing with others. Let my dad-who she hasn't been close with for 40 years before recent times-be independent for as long as he can. They are not romantically entwined; it's a caregiver/caree relationship. It's in his best interest and hers that his care is provided by others, and she works on her life. Her small house is hoarded and a bad environment for a man in his mid-80s who will need more care at any time and certainly within a few years. I feel strongly that his staying on his own would give him a better chance to get increased care as the need arises.
I have to stop thinking about this for now, put it aside, and do my school finals first. Then, I'm thinking of contacting the Agency of Aging where he is, seeing if I can make an appointment or what other leads I can turn up. Maybe that's what I CAN do. And accept whatever happens because I tried, at least.
And if I find that it's too triggering, frustrating, and makes me resentful, then I can step away, but no one can ever say I don't care and didn't try. My family often likes to paint me as selfish. It is pure self-preservation on my end. I must determine what my boundaries are here.
Thoughts?
Seems like this thread is up and running.
I too am guilty of out of context statements and questions. It makes my husband crazy.