The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Isthisrealyreal,

She is on morphine and other pain medication because those are the only ones that work. None of the others have worked.

She already has been diagnosed years ago with mild cognitive dissonance and these meds seem to have made it worse. Her attention is not good. She starts talking about things as if one knows what she is talking about, but we won't until we can stop her and get her to tell us what on earth she is talking about. She too often assumes that others know the context of her statements, but we are very often clueless. Sometimes, when she asks for take-out food and I repeat back to her what she has said, she denies that is what she said at all. Her sister has seen all of this in her.

Yoda, why on earth would she take a medication that does that to her? There are so many options out there, find one that doesn't do this.

BlickBob, you are wrong.

All you have to do is walk out the door and get a job.

Your mother balancing her mental illness on your back. If you stop proving that back to her, either she will end up in the hospital and placed in a facility, either paid for with her funds and assets or go on Medicaid.

However, it seems as though you WANT to stay trapped and lose your life to her.

I encourage you to seek out some cognitive behavior therapy for your codependency problem.

@BarbBrooklyn

Very good question. She occasionally tells me she's more frustrated at her physical shortcomings than I am, but truth is, she's wrong. My expectations for her are greater than the ones she has for herself.

I'd leave, but she would have to be hypnotized into doing PT or getting extra help OR someone has to give me a couple of million dollars so I can go ahead and put her in the nursing home. That much would cover it for the next 30 years should she make it past 100. And if she dies in under 30 years, whoever gives me the money would get back whatever remains from the $2 million.

Otherwise, I have to continue on with my status as being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Like I brought up a few months back, unless something happens to me, I won't be free until either my mom or grandmother passes.

MargaretMcKen

Thanks for your reply. She is on 15 mg 3 times a day.

She's also on Oxycodone/Acetaminophen 5-325mg Tab 4 times a day.

Her pain doctor has told her not to drive.

Regarding morphine and competence, it depends on how much morphine and her individual reactions to it. A lot of morphine will put most people to sleep, let alone just put them out of it. A little morphine will help with pain but won’t have that an dramatic effect on competency.

Just of comparison, I take codeine (another opiode but much less strong). It takes half an hour to kick in, and I time it so that I finish driving before that happens. I did that after a shopping trip only this morning. I don’t drive if I’ve taken two tablets.

The ‘competency’ questions should be asked at the time of signature, when the answers will reflect how the morphine has effected the brain. And of course you can be quite competent when you are in pain, so laying off the morphine for the duration of the legal consultation is the best option. Just like I can drive safely in spite of pain, which can be a great help to get home!

Isthisrealyreal,

Morphine often causes mental confusion, inattentiveness, and poor balance. I and her sister have seen these symptoms in her. Her pain doctor has told her not to drive because if she has a wreck and they discover that she takes morphine, then she will be in big trouble.

Yoda, I do not believe that is true. Prescription medication would not make your competency less.

WI'll my wife taking morphine for pain keep her from signing a legal document at a retirement or making someone her representative payee for social security?

Hi all,

A friend told me tonight that since my wife is on morphine for her pain, she can't sign a legal document. That means that her durable or medical POA would need to and be able to. I need to go back and look at those documents, but I think that I am the primary POA on each document. Very likely, this will be an even harder pill for her to swallow. It may be shocking news to her sister for it sounds, at this point, that this will put us in the driver's seat. That has a bad ring to it, potentially.

MargaretMcKen,

Neither my wife nor my sister-in-law are ready to make this move yet.

My wife's sister's husband has barely been dead a year. So she is not ready, plus she is once again fighting another UTI and this time a really bad one. She has these often because of the collateral damage caused by the treatment of her ovarian cancer back in 2001.

My wife wants us to move into the duplex next to her sister that her sister owns and offered to us for free, but upon further thought, her sister no longer thinks that this is a good idea. I've asked her to tell my wife of her change of mind herself because it is her idea, although I do agree with it.

We will be up there next week and hopefully, this will be discussed then. Next week will mark the first anniversary of her husband's death.

Blick, why do you care more about your mom's health than she does?

Why don't you leave?

Not getting your motivation at all.

@sp196902

I'm not assisting nor indulging her in this. She's the "my way or the highway" type of person. I personally want her to let things be with the house next door and let someone else buy it, but she'll never listen to me. She values safety and peace & quiet more than anything else. Yeah, there's the chance of getting bad neighbors, but she fails to realize bad neighbors aren't the only ones out there and there's the chance good, honest people would buy it.

Should she make it to her late 90s, I would have 25 years to go, not 20.

Yes, my grandmother is still alive. She suffers from alzheimer's and dementia and she's long been at the point where doesn't know what she had for lunch. Her long term memory was showing signs of going not long before my mom's cancer diagnosis. She's been in the nursing home since 2011. She's about to turn 96.

She's still with us due to both the quality of care she gets and the longevity genes she inherited. My great-grandmother died not long after turning 94 and my grandmother officially outlived her a couple of years ago. When she moved back to my hometown, she was 80 and my mom thought she was in the same stage my great-grandmother was in when she was put in the nursing home at 91. She had predicted my grandmother would pass within a few months to a year after the move and that prediction continues to age poorly. Had me and my mom been told 15 years ago my dad and my aunt who recently died would pass before my grandmother, we would've been like "yeah right."

Yoda, I’d suggest that you DON’T “hire some young men to come and move the containers of clutter up in the loft”. If it’s clutter, get rid of it. Don’t just make more areas cluttered. You are talking about moving into a care facility, so down-size now!

my partner has 4 children none have taken an interest in his care he had surgery in December it’s now February and not one of them has visited at home or the hospital. The feel he with me and that’s it

Bob are you really going to assist your mother in this home buying insanity? Your mother is mentally ill please stop indulging her. An old soul she is not. More like a traumatized soul who is sucking the life out of you.

Your mother is never going to do PT or exercise. She is never going to get better. She will only get worse as her limbs atrophy from lack of use and she becomes completely bed bound. You will be her care giver for the rest of your life and if she lives into her late nineties that means you have 20 years to go. At least prisoners have a chance for parole. You have no such chance.

I do find it ironic that her mother is still alive. What does she think about her daughter's nonsense? Who takes care 94 year old mom/grandma?

My long-time next door neighbor's old home is officially on the market. Over 3 years after inheriting it and splitting time between it and another house in a different part of the state I'm in, her last surviving daughter has opted to sell it.

My mom speculated some months back that the house was being prepped to be put up for sale and her worst fear has come true. She wanted the daughter, who's roughly her age, to sell it to her, but put it on the market without telling her beforehand. She thought it was a sneaky move and feels stabbed in the back. She refuses to sit by and let some random person buy it and she's gonna try to buy it herself. She doesn't want any neighbors that have dogs and or kids or neighbors who are loud all the time and or do questionable things i.e. run a meth lab.

She's gonna see about selling a few dozen acres of wooded land she owns outside of town and see if that will cover at least some of the cost. Before this, she vowed to never sell that land and keep it in the family forever.

If things don't work out with buying that house, it'll either be because of the daughter changing her mind and taking the house off the market, someone buying the house before my mom can, my mom not having enough money to buy it, or my mom passing unexpectedly before the purchase is completed. The latter was the case with some land close to my house that my great-grandparents tried to buy from a relative way back in the day, but the relative died before the deal was done and the descendent didn't want to follow through with finishing the deal.

It would be crazy if my grandmother is unknowingly about to kick the bucket and her death allows my mom to sell my grandmother's home and use the money from that to buy the house, thus sparing the wooded land and keeping it in the family.

I'm really starting to think that along with being 92 regarding physical limitations, she's also a 92 year old mentally. Along with wanting basically no new neighbors next door, she's paranoid about a lot, complains about everything though I've known her to do those 2 things since before caregiving started, sits in bed all day watching the news, Jeopardy, and crime shows, scrolls Facebook, and won't leave the house, but that's mainly due to fear of getting Covid and or the flu. Doesn't like it when there's a sporting event on TV and she's forced to wait on watching the news. Idk how many boomers are like that, but my mom is definitely an old soul, boomer or not. To me, these feel like qualities you see from people in their 80s or 90s rather than early 70s.

In the latest paranoia moment from her, we got some snow a few weeks back and she didn't want me shoveling the snow and ice out of our driveway for fear of me getting hurt. I had cleared some a couple of days prior before I begrudgingly agreed to not get anymore aside, though when I snuck out to get what little I could out of the way a couple of hours later, it was frozen solid and I would've had to wait another day to leave the house and get groceries anyway. I was at home for a little over a week. Had I gotten more out of the way than I did, the wait time might've been reduced by a day.

If only she had the same motivation to exercise and start PT that she has trying to avoid getting iffy neighbors.

Yoda,

As always, I wish you all the best. Please update us at your convenience. Thinking of you and hoping that you will find answers to your struggles.

Gersun and Golden,

Last week, I saw my PC doctor and my new PT.
 
My doctor is concerned about the amount of clutter in my house and the stress that it is causing me. I’m having some pain, which sometimes is terrible, in the upper part of my thighs on each side, plus where my legs and torso fit together. To make sure that I didn’t have any structural damage, my doctor ordered me an x-ray that day. I have not heard back from them.
 
Earlier, my doctor ordered a CAT scan of my brain to make sure that I have not had any mini-strokes, as that might explain some of my balance problems. She did refer me to a PT for help in that area.
 
Although I saw my PT to evaluate my balance problem on Wednesday and started the treatment exercises on the same day, I was not up to doing them on Thursday or Friday. I tried Thursday night but had to force myself to do what I did, but did not complete it. I'm still not sleeping here like I did at my sister-in-law's. I hope that today is better.
 
I told my doctor I slept much better at my sister-in-law’s place than at home. She thinks it is because I feel less stressed there. The critical difference is the two locations here, and my sister-in-law's duplex is not cluttered. I will have to hire some young men to come and move the containers of clutter up in the loft because I am no longer up to that.
 
The analysis of my balance problems is that I'm ok as long as I do not have to stand or walk with my feet close together; my ankles need to be stronger, as do my legs. When I tried the balance test of walking with one foot directly in front of the other, I flunked. My wife is having balance problems also, but she has not started with a PT yet. She is waiting for her PC doctor to get the referral completed.
 
My sleep problems are so bad that I’m not able to get much done plus I don’t do what I do at the same level as before. For example, I’m usually very prepared when I send documents for him to prepare our taxes. This time, I sent him copies of the same thing and some outdated items he did not need. I usually have my income spreadsheet ready to send him, but not this time.
 
The only thing is that I believe my wife's twin sister must be the one to tell her about these ideas instead of me telling my wife that her sister and I discussed this which she thought of in light of our ages and health challenges.
 
We will revisit her in another week. I have emailed my sister-in-law that she must bring this up when we are up there visiting. When we left, my wife told me that her sister had invited her to live in the adjoining duplex for free, but not right now. In talking with her sister, I was glad to hear that she does not want to do anything significant like that now because it has not even been a year since her husband died. During our phone conversation, my sister-in-law mentioned that a continuous care senior community might be better for us, given our ages and health challenges, which will not get any better. I’ve researched such places with independent living, assisted living and nursing home care.
 
With my wife's mild cognitive decline, discussions like her sister and I need to have will be difficult for her. The main thing that I believe will help is my wife’s desire to spend as much time as possible with her sister.
 
About all that I can focus on right now is my narcolepsy test planned for the last of March. I’m exhausted and not up to moving. Whenever we do move, we will need to pay people to help us prepare to remove the stuff that we can’t take as we move to wherever we go. Two years ago, I entered a new educational experience. I have had to stop, and the school has given me an academic sabbatical.
 
I woke up very early this am which is typical as I don’t usually sleep for a whole night at one time. Soon, I will go back to bed. I need several more hours of sleep. I hope that I can do my PT exercises. I will see my PT three times next week.

Yoda, thx for the update. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate to figure out. But it sounds like you are doing so in a methodical and sensible way. Doing your research is a good idea. Seeing what's out there and taking your time is smart.

Golden, thx for the hugs. Yes, I did take on too much emotionally at a young age. My mom always told me that I was her life line and I guess I took that to heart and couldn't let that go in a way that would have served me better. I have no regrets about being there for my mom when she needed me. My problem is now I'm sort of left without a purpose even 8.5 years after her death.

I don't even feel like I have a family. We all sort of splintered when mom died. I predicted this would happen. I miss having a family unit but I don't miss them cause I always feel judged when I'm around them. Having said that I judge them too. If we could all just accept one another maybe we could be close but I don't foresee that ever happening. I pray about it.

Golden,

Thanks. The only thing is that I believe my wife's twin sister must be the one to tell her about these ideas instead of me telling my wife that her sister and I discussed this which she thought of in light of our ages and health challenges.

We will visit her again in another week.

FB - it takes two to argue. If you don't take his bait there is no argument. You don't have to defend yourself, or justify your actions or decisions to anyone. Set your boundaries. He won't like them That's ok. They don't have to be discussed. Let him talk and when you have had enough just leave or hang up. Another response is "I can see you are upset, Dad. I'm going to go now and I'll see you (or talk to you) later when you are feeling better.

Gershun ((((hugs))) That must have been very hard on your family for your dad to die so young. Apparently kids do think it is their fault and take on too much responsibility. As you know now you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness.Just your own. You became the family "helper".at cost to yourself. Yes, your mother probably did hang onto you too much. All parents are fallible. I think it may be a good thing that the feelings are finally coming out, if you can work your way through them. I have found that talk therapy with a supportive counselor helps me. I am glad you are sharing with us. Some things take a long time to surface. Praying for you to heal from all the negative/toxic family BTW I have found that Oil of Oregano (not oregano oil) capsules are sedating. Sometimes that helps. I can only take one a day or I sleep too much. Apparently they oil of oregano may increase dopamine and serotonin.

Nice analogue, Beatty - better the devil you know...

yoda - sensible to be looking into facilities especially with your wife's MCI.

shelly - welcome - not a terrible person at all, but a wise one. As a caregiver you have to put on your oxygen first, so to speak. Don't let your sibs pressure you into more than you can handle. it sounds bad enough that you don't have a life. Can you take some time for yourself in your daily routine? I'm sorry you gave up your job to look after your dad. Who will look after you when you get older?

I care for my 72 yr old father with vascular dementia. It's hard to whine or complain when I can only imagine how lost and confused he is ! Unfortunately he had a fall and is currently in the hospital. My dysfunctional siblings are "encouraging " me to be at the hospital 24/7 just as I was at home. But I'm taking the time for myself to actually rest and take advantage of the respite of his absence. Does this make me a terrible person?

Gershen,

Hi! Here's my update.

I've been having balance problems and falling for some time now. My sleep has been around 5 hours a night according to my smart watch if it is trustworthy, My good news is that I have lost weight. I'm down now to 232.

When visiting where her identical twin sister lives last week to celebrate their birthday, I noticed that I slept better. I mentioned this to my primary care doctor and she said that I am psychologically stressed by all of the clutter in our house plus please tell my wife to get this clutter out.

I would say that 98% of it is hers. I have to turn sideways to walk down the hall because my stance and hips plus shoulders are wider than hers. The den, living area and dining area are all cluttered. Plus, her spending on eBay and Temu has been over $4,000 for the last month.

As I told my primary care doctor, Her twin's duplex is not cluttered and she replied, so up there is less stressful. Yes! Her eBay credit card has my name on it as an authorized user and Experian informed me that her using 47% of her allowed amount on the credit card has hurt my credit scorer. When I got downstairs from the man cave, I calmly told her that her eBay credit card was hurting my credit report and I wanted off of it. She agreed. I made the phone call and they asked her to confirm everything.

On our way home on Sunday my wife expressed interest in our moving into the empty duplex right next to my wife's twin. I said that I did not see a need for it right now, but it was something to think about.

My sister-in-law had a lengthy, heart-to-heart discussion on the phone as we often do before I visit, little times during a visit and after a visit. I liked her reflection about all of us getting older with various health challenges. She said that she could not deal with us moving right now because it had not even been a year since her husband died.

Her further thiking about all of us aging and our health challenges led her to ask me to research retirement places in our state that over three levels of retirement. 1. Independent Living. 2. Assisted Living. 3. Nursing home care. That is a great idea. I've reseatched this already minus places in the mountains and on the coast. I sent the names of the cities where they are and the links to each one of them.

Today, our youngest son reminded my that my wife does have mild cognitive impairment and most likely should not be involved in the research process because it would be too confusing. He suggested that my sister-in-law and I dig deeper into this, find about three that we like, and tell my wife all about this plus why we picked these three places. Then, we will ask her for input on which one to chose. Our youngest son will help with the research a bit more behind the scenes and I'm going to send him the same list that I sent my sister-in-law.

I guess that you can tell that my sister-in-law and I are more like siblings since having known her for over 36 years plus the ordeals that I have helped her work through like her battle with cancer, her retirement, plus almost making some bad financial decisions while preparing to retire. I'm sorry to have to say this but her husband, for various reasons, was such that she was more of a caregiver for him all of these years.

I saw my PT for him to evaluate my balance and he created a program for me to use various videos from his office connected to my smartphone and do them twice a day for 15 minutes. It's time for my second 15 minutes of the day.

Like me, she is concerned about her sister's huge obesity and how slack she is taking this whole weight loss thing.

Another good news to report is that my diabetes continues to stay well under control.

In light of our health issues and her sister saying that she does not like travelling over the holidays, we have cancelled our Christmas week trip. I am particularly not up to travelling with this sleep problem and frankly, I'm living from one day to the next.

Nice one Beatty!

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the little black dog that started following me so many years ago.

Sometimes the sun is shining bright, I am happy, busy, heading forwards. I don't look behind me in my shadow. I forget.. but he lurks.

Sometimes it is gloomy. I slow down, lose my path for a while. Feel the close presence. Yes little dog, I know you are there.

Every now & then I have to stop & rest. Lay down. Accept the company of the little dog. By staying still some small cracks start to heal. When ready, up I go, changed.

Like an old broken but glued together vase. A bit messy looking, but the glue is even stronger.

These are my crazy thoughts.
Maybe I'd rather that little dog I know well, then something worse.
😜🏺🐾

Gershun,

Anxiety and depression are horrible to deal with. Wishing you peace. Please know that your mom would want you to be at peace.

I am happy that your faith brings you comfort.

FB,

My caregiver days have ended. Mom died in 2021. I cared for her for over a decade so trust me I know that this is very difficult.

I hope you will be able to sort this out with your dad soon before it completely destroys your life.

Need, Ali & Golden thank-you.

You know I always thought my mom's happiness was my responsibility from the age of 4 and onward. You see my dad died when I was 4 and for whatever reason I always felt it was my fault. He died of cancer by the way so where I got that idea God only knows. So I made it my purpose in life to do whatever I could to make mom happy. Keeping in mind nobody is happy all of the time. But when she wasn't happy I knocked myself out trying to figure out how to make her so.

No offense to her, but I think she enabled this. I don't fault her for it but she probably should have let me grow in my own direction away from her. I remember being by her bedside her last week of life saying to my sister "I helped mom get through my brother's death.......who is going to help me get through hers"

I think now almost 9 years after her death I've realized that she was my purpose for living. Maybe that's why I'm experiencing depression and anxiety. My mind isn't letting me block out the feelings anymore. They are all rushing in.

The anxiety I have been experiencing has been debilitating. I feel frozen in fear sometimes. But I hold on to my faith and it sustains me. Perhaps once I let go and remember God is in control I'll do better. I hope so.

@NeedHelpWithMom,

Our situations definately sound similar. I do feel like a shell of a person lately. I do not understand why a parent would want their child or children to put their lives on hold for them. I have lived in fear of my father since I was child and that is what has caused me to believe I was supposed to do whatever he said. I'm also in counseling but this is hard. Whenever I take up for myself with him, it starts an argument and he accuses me of mistreating him. I know things must change before I end up sick. I had an anxiety attack recently after an argument with him. We do often feel as if we are responsible for them. I think this is because of the way we were treated. He needs more help than I can give. I'm rooting for you too! :)