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Can I be born into a nice family next time? Pretty please?
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Well I did my cards today, and so as to not be the Arsehole I sent one to my BIL and SIL, and "family". We have not spoken to them since a few weeks after FIL passed. BIL called hubs and left a message to call him,, hubs tried several times then gave up. The actual problem is my SIL and my niece. Niece is bent after 6 years because we didn;t come to her baby shower ( got the invite 1 week prior and I was in healthcare and you can;t just "get off") we sent gifts, the whole works but noooo.. I am perfectly happy to never see them again, but still... LOL But I still play nice
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I'm doing much better than i was two weeks ago around T-giving when mum fell and we went through the EMS->hospital->rehab pipeline.

Mum still can't walk unassissted which means she can't come home. With Covid going around again i hate having her in a NH but can't have her at home either.

She has weird diametrically opposed sides to her, she hates everything but soncerely loves the attention. She knows where she is is best but still wants out (understandable). She refuses e v e r y t h i n g i offer to help and never wants anything but at least she's compliant enough with the NH to do the PT stuff and let me straighten out her finances. She doesn't want to take care of herself but is embarassed by the need for emergency care.

I'm tired not only from being burned out dealing with her over quite a number of years as this insidiously progressed but I'm also tired that she's in a NH. The uncertainty day to day, how to pay for all this, how long will this go one, hoping a bad phone call won't happen has me exhausted even though she's nit here anymore but MUCH better where she is.

I'm still dreading the Medicare thing coming up.
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Thank you Ali💕🩷🩵! I’m back at home in Idaho.
My sis is better, however last weekend she stopped eating again. My niece and I asked several time for. Urinalysis and culture…it didn’t happen. On Friday my sis was transferred back to hospital for dementia. She has a severe UTI. Kidney levels are elevated close to being put on dialysis.

please understand that I know and understand nursing/rehabilitation facilities are understaffed. My heart goes out to these employees. Yet…..why no follow throug? My sis has kidney issues due to advanced diabetes. UTI’s are dangerous for diabetics and anyone who gets one that goes sepsis.

While in Kentucky, I had two great thanksgiving dinners. The traditional Thanksgiving, we had dinner at my nieces fiancés family. It was awesome,, very welcoming. The Saturday
ayafter thanksgiving we had another Thanksgiving dinner at my deceased nieces house where her husband lives with his new wife. My deceased nieces husband welcomed me with a hug which I appreciated I got to see my great niece,met her husband and two daughters and my great nephew, his wife and daughter.

Thank you for thinking about my sis. How is Glad I’m Here. Not seeing any posts from her.
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“This too shall pass.”
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A fav from my mil:
"It is what it is..."
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I also tell myself . It can’t last forever .
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Yes I like "Oh well" too.

Accepting, especially when things are outside our control. Plus 'well' is a positive word: healthy, satisfactory or sensible. 😊
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Way,

“Oh well” is a great mantra!
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So far, so good here. Mom's mood seems to have leveled off in the last few days but I've also put some distance between us emotionally. She is trying to be chatty chatty and regain that comaradie (or snare me back in her net, I never know with her nor does anyone else). I've also casually mentioned that there are situations that might be brewing at home and I might need to go home to deal with them. Mom just kinda rolled her eyes but didn't say anything. I'm just doing what needs done, being kind and cordial, and trying to let the rest roll off.
My brother called last night and I gave him a quick update on Mom's behavior. I offered to let him come up and take over LOL. He declined as he has stuff going on at his house that's not so great and he can't afford to take the time off work. He did say that if the situation gets worse (or whatever) to just call and he'll make a turnaround trip to come get me. He also mentioned talking to the social worker or someone else so it can be noted in Mom's chart about her moods and behaviors. Idk why I didn't think of keeping a personal journal or chart of how she's doing day by day earlier to share with her providers but I'm starting that today.
Grandma has been ok, her cares are simple. Help her bathe, put her lotions/ointments on, get dressed, fix her meals and snacks, ect. She has her moments of fits and paranoia but usually they are brief. It's amusing to listen to her go on about different things.
I'm going to try to hold out for a couple more weeks and see how Mom does after her next round of chemo and see what these follow up PET scans and labs show.
All in all just taking it day by day and just going with the flow.
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Beatty 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻,

I love that I’m not the only one!!!
There should be a new thread…”How is the caregiver taking care of themselves?”

I have also been thinking that my new mindful ways of willing myself to be calmer in the face of craziness is a dysfunction. I have a new mantra “ Oh well . “

Witnessing crazy decisions is tough . I am working on being less anxious over waiting for the next inevitable emergency and how LO’s do not live in reality. I have become more accepting that tragedies do happen in life and I can’t stop that . I too have this forum to thank .

I love the description of boycotting . That is what I have been trying lately as well when possible .
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Ok, anyone up for some new dysfuction?

I am surpringly calm compared to other Decembers.. have even had a couple of people comment on my strong boundaries lately! One a professional (yay me - patting my own back + I am THANKING you forum-folk with a zillion thanks ❤️).

Last year included 1 fall, 1 injury, 2 emergency medical visits & 3 bouts of incontinence. Now I wasn't personally involved with all of that.. and the rest of the day was good. Now we all know I can do nought about other's decisions & actions...

As Alva would stamp (ha ha) *I am an adult* & I have choices: including a boycott or attending.
Gunna sleep on it
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DDD, so glad you had a great trip!
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Babies belly laughing make the angels rejoice! Brings pure sweet joy to my heart.

Every true, joyous laugh brings happiness to all that hear it, imo.
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NeedHelp you are right on point.
Hearing true laughter makes me laugh.

Even the weird natural laughter of others cracks me up because it is amazing and so real and contagious.
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For sure Ali, this is a sacred place!
The honor dignity and respect given by most people on board as well as the awesome input from the angels and wise, has been a truly wonderful and amazing impact on my life and my perspective.
Words cannot express how this forum has helped me in so many poignant ways.
It takes the sharing caring and understanding from the awesome people who are experiencing or overcame this painful process of loving with all our hearts no matter what.
It has often scared me that I didn't see what I see now and how those whom I loved so dearly manipulated and use my love and dedication to hurt and controll me.
The Grace of God has kept me and led me to this forum.
I still believe that God is love and love is God.
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So glad that you had a great time in California, Duck. Sounds fun! Laughter is good for the soul.

Have a very merry Christmas 🎄!
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I hate to loose my comments when I answer my phone.

Ali, you always offer sound logical advice. You have a gift with words and logic as well as being one of my heroes.

I had a wonderful time in California with my son and family.

I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt at one point. It's been ages since that has happened.

I am wishing you all a beautiful Christmas
And rays of love light and healing.
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Ali,

This thread has been around a long time. I read it but I haven’t posted on it as much as others have.

It’s an interesting thread with a lot of interesting conversations.

Enjoy your Christmas decorating!
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I've been reading on AC instead of putting Christmas decorations up. They'll wait another day. It's not even December yet! :)

Once every year or so, I revisit this wonderful thread and re-read through some parts of it. It's helpful for me to consider and reconsider all the sad and frustrating, and also always wise, shared lived experiences and input from everyone here with a fresh, present-day perspective.

I can't believe it's been 10+ years of this wonderful thread.

I hope this thread will always be a place for open sharing and earnest support. Social media spaces have changed, but family caregivers who are in dysfunctional situations will always desperately need a place to sound off, be heard, and be given advice and support.

This is a sacred space. I hope it always remains that way.

I'm just bumping the thread and being sappy. lol Much love to all.
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Duck, I hope you hold peace in your heart, knowing you're doing the best you can with your little extra energy to spare. Your desire to be there for your mom is apparent. I can only imagine if my mom were in a nursing home. I'd want to be there as often as possible, too.

You are always the most important figure in your life. You can't be there for anyone else if you aren't well and in a good spot. I hope you easily forgive yourself for being unable to see your mom whenever you want to. You're trying, and you have to look after yourself, too. It's enough. (((((hugs)))))

Sharyn, I'm concerned about your sis. I agree with you that general anesthesia isn't good for many older folks (maybe it isn't good for many others in general, idk). It can cause issues... imho. I haven't looked for studies or more evidence of this, but I've seen it with my dad and the long-term problems (that required additional surgeries, in his case) that cropped up for him after getting general anesthesia, and what you describe with your sis is just not good. I hope common medical/surgical practice can evolve here and find other ways to numb and sedate people instead of general anesthesia. General should be a last resort if other things are deemed too risky for some reason. I hope treating sis's UTI helped some..? You and your family are in my thoughts right now. I hope when you post again, there is some good news because your sis has been having a very rough time.
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Frankie you hang In there.
I am having a similar issue over my mother.

She has been in nursing home for almost two years. I have been an emotional wreck since the onset of her dementia.

The thought of losing her was to hard to bare.

Its still there, always will be. Especially during the holidays..

I used to boo hoo during my first visits to nursing home..

I stay in prayer. There are times I unravel. One thing was this forum was my greatest help. Especially when I was advised to watch my negative self talk.

I also find that my focus on hurt and memories from the past can put me in a funk.

I am a work in progress just sharing my experience.
Another thong that helps is smiling embracing and showing kindred love in my daily interactions with others and associates it come back to you and is uplifting.

Also self care. You have to take a break.

Every time I beat myself up because I did not make my visit with my mother because I was physically unable or overwhelmed I would find her just fine and okay.
Take a break for yourself. Also keep posting. A response or a post can make a big difference.
I am wishing you all the best in your struggles.
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Not doing great today. Still recovering mentally after making thanksgiving happen for my elderly parents, crazy siblings, and everything that comes with that. I feel sickness coming on from the stress. How does one manage to get through the holidays like a normal-functioning, productive adult when the cold, depressing reality of it possibly being the last holidays you'll ever get to spend w/your elderly, sick parents is smacking you in the face? The reality that they may not be around to see me get married, and for me to give them grandchildren is equally terrifying. I feel like my parents' last years here with us are slipping away so quickly, and I can't keep up. More so with each day I feel a pull to be at their house so I won't miss out on one minute of being with them, but on the other hand it's so hard to leave the comfort of my home where I can zone out for a bit and pretend that all is well. I hate this season of life.
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Well I lost my post.
Much love to you all.

Hang in there Allusedup.

Yes Barb! Still I rise bought tears again. You will always hold a special ial place in my heart. And that quote mean as much today as it did years ago.

Needhelp thank you I cheered up reading your post.

So much to share of my journey.

Sharyn so sorry to hear about your niece I pray she continues to make progress.
You've been through so much. Remember to care for yourself.

Rays of love and light to us all!
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Sorry to hear that you are having such trouble, AllUsedUp.

Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
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Duck, Happy Thanksgiving!

"And still I rise".

Keep those words in your ❤️.
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Well Allusedup I hope you just rethink this and let her go to her friends house. I am sure they will be calling you shortly to come and get her! And with no phone she can;t call you to rescue her. I do hope someone has POA for her however. As you are not on her banking.
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I've been caring for my mother for years through her many illnesses. My family has never helped me, now I have Caregivers burnout with extreme stress and half of my hair fell out from stress. My mother is very manipulative, she lies, she's mean to me a lot and treats me poorly. Another family member stepped up to help finally because I was starting to lose it with her failure to use the systems that we put in place to help her. She started talking bad about me to her friends and family, then took me off her banking and called and said really nasty that I don't need you anymore. She said that she was going to her friends house, I reminded her to take her phone and her reply was I forget it, and laughed like a child.
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Always good to see you, Duck. Hope your holidays will be bright and merry!
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Greadings everyone. I have been out of touch for a while but everyone who is part of this forum is part of my heart.

Ali it's so wonderful to hear your progress towards completing your masters I wish you all the best.

It bought tears to hear about the breakthroughs during communication with your mother. Such a blessing.

Barb! I will be forever grateful for your wisdom, guidance and advice over the years. Always in my heart. I have tears remembering how you and other special angels and members in this forum helped me through one of the hardest periods in my life.

I am still a work in progress. In a better place for the most part. Still crying still tearful getting better and a tad stronger.

So much to share. I just had to reach out and wish everyone rays of love light peace and happiness especially throughout this holiday season.
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