The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

@SophieQ

Waytomisery is right. You cannot be your mother's entertainment committee.

Your parents have consistently refused to plan for their old age needs because they simply assumed that their children would be
their old age care plan. They are not alone in doing this. Many, many seniors expect their adult children to assume responsibility for every need they have in their old age. It's perfectly fine with them if their adult children give up their lives, jobs. homes, families, spouses and friends.
So long as mom and dad are taken care of and being catered to.

It's time for you and your siblings to lay down the law here. Stop doing everything for them. Either they accept homecare to meet their needs and take them on outings or they do learn to do without.

If your father wants to drive himself to his grave trying to handle your mother, that is his choice. If he refuses to accept outside help that's on him, not you.

As for your mother who's catered to by everyone and in turn treats them like an employee.

Behave like an employee then. Employees quit jobs and walk away.
You and everyone else is going to have to let them suffer for a while. Things will have to get worse before they get better.

I was a caregiver for 25 years ans have seen every family dynamic. I can say from experience that the worst thing a person can do for seniors is propping up a delusion of false independence.

There's no shame in someone needing help and care. Those who do need it must learn to accept that they do. The needy senior also needs to to learn the lesson that the caregiver sets the terms of how it's going to work. Not the care recipients.

My mother used to put on the same act as your mother. The acting like a poor, helpless child but expecting to be treated with adult respect and like an equal.
She learned quick that acting like a child means getting treated like one. You should try this.

Then take a step back for a while. Let your parents fail a bit then they will be more open-minded to some care possibilities.

SophieQ,

You should not be your mother’s entertainment committee . It’s ridiculous .
I would have suggested an assisted living facility except your parents are running out of money . You only have to make sure they are safe , have food etc . Anything else you do is gravy . I think you should cut back on the outings . You can bring them food ( from restaurants that they like ) treats etc when you visit and it doesn’t end up being an all day outing with so much planning .

Your parents sound exactly like mine . They will treat you like the obedient child they believe you should be . You need to set some boundaries . As far as everything has to be done “ just so “. Nope ! Those that need assistance need to be the ones that compromise . Perhaps your father like mine would be more reasonable in general , however he’s hogtied by your mother . You could try telling Dad some things without Mom around , to get him to see at least some of this is unreasonable .

You will not “ get your mother to mirror “ anything . She’s selfish and self absorbed , The dementia is going to magnify her already difficult personality . She has no filter or control anymore . It’s automatic. That’s what the doctor told me about my Mom .

If you can’t make any impression on your “ intelligent “ Dad about the care they will need going forward , and it comes time that they are needing more care than family can or is willing to provide …..unfortunately , you and your siblings may have to stop doing everything for them and “ let them fail “ Show them they are not independent . So long as you keep doing for them they think they are independent . That is what the social worker from my County Agency of Aging told me when my mother was not safe at home anymore and was not willing to leave her home to go to a facility . My father had passed on and my mother was alone with her dementia getting worse.

Good luck to you. It’s a long road ahead.

Its great to find this discussion here, thank you for raising the topic.
Not sure if my family is particularly dysfunctional, but obviously something is not right leading me to look up this discussion.

The dysfunction in our family I think is that we siblings never learned to assert ourselves vis-a-vis our parents. They were authoritarian and aloof. They talked of unconditional love, but in reality we had to be good by their subjective judgement to win their approval, and in my mothers case that depended on her mood.

As they became older, and we gained independence, experience and some wisdom, our parents, still convinced that they knew best about everything, refused our requests to prepare for old age, resulting in some terrible and entirely avoidable, costly, mistakes.

They are in their mid 80s now and running out of assets this year, cannot manage their own affaires. They need our help all the time, but only to do things for them just so. Our protests are ignored - it’s their life, their money, etc, we are to do what we are told.

Our mother behaves like a child but demands being treated like a respected adult. She exhausts everybody, especially our father. He does his best to deal with her, but it’s wearing him down.

Yet - our father wont take our advice to take a day off from her; to set boundaries for his own sake.
He won’t talk to us about how to best plan the finances; how to plan for their continued care as they get frailer.

I take our mother for outings, visit, do all the stuff she wants me to do, but I don’t enjoy it. It’s like she’s just testing me, checking if she is really loved, how much of me I am willing to give her.

I know her preferences, needs, limits, and plan our outings accordingly. Asking her to contribute to the planning is futile, her answers are “oh you just make the plans, you know what I like”, or she’ll say she doesn’t know: “just do what you like and I’ll come along” Yet she will invariably throw a wrench into my carefully customized plans:
-wanting to go a different route, then not recognizing anything and getting anxious
- walking too far until she gets back aches that ruin the rest of the outing
- insisting in D-tours, missing lunch and getting hangry
- claiming that she’s done this a million times and is bored, or she has no idea and is confused
Every time she will say ‘please only do this if you really want to’, and ask ‘did you have as much fun as I did with you today’. She looks at me hard, so I have to make an effort to act and lie convincingly: “Oh yes, it’s been fun, mum. Yeah wanted to do this with you for a long time, so glad we finally did this’.
It makes me want to puke. When she touches me I bristle.

She insists our father come along to the outings, he cant refuse, and I cant keep him from joining us. So I moderate conversations between a hard of hearing 3 year old (mother) and a soft spoken intellectual (father). At the level of ‘I spy with my little eye’ it’s sort of ok, but it breaks my heart that this is all my father now has of their time together.

And it breaks my patience.

Everyone bends over backwards to please our mother, and she just treats everyone like an employee - with arrogance and fake kindness.

How can I get my mother to mirror the effort we are putting into making her life enjoyable? To work on her self-reliance? To try to be a better supporting partner to her husband like she used to be? And if it’s impossible for her to ditch her laziness, how do I deal with her?
How can I know what part is real dementia, and what part is her real personality? And does that even make a difference?

How can I get my father to trust his kids’ sound judgement?To confide in us and let us help to plan his last chapter while he still can do so on his own terms?

Is it wrong to expect them to plan their life in such a way as not to impose on ours, and to do that with our input?

Vicarious

Please get out of this caregiving situation. You are young and should be working towards a job you want to do. This caregiving is depressing you. Perhaps you could contact your County or local Area of Aging for help from a social worker to help you navigate finding other arrangements for these people .

Vicarious, what sort of work did you originally intend to find? What sort of work do you enjoy? How does that compare to your current role?

What's the timeframe for this role?

I loved working parttime in a bar.. course I was younger etc, but people were mostly happy, friendly, thankful. I would do that over 1:1 caregiving for a grump any day.

Vicarious, welcome.

Please read this:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=oldest

Just over a year ago I had to leave my previous area where I lived, and move in with my father and his friend/roommate. The initial idea was to gather a new job in the area and eventually a new apartment. But my father insisted I apply to be his in-home caregiver, that I would be paid by his insurance. I found it odd they agreed at all, considering I had no prior experience.

My father is a stubborn, racist, arrogant man. He drinks daily, which his medical team is aware of, and refuses to perform most daily tasks that benefit him, such as any kind of exercise or activities. He stares at Fox News and Youtube all day and of course, assumes he knows everything, but cannot have a level conversation with me about anything without turning it into an argument. He forgets everything - from meals, to conversations, to appointments - and will blame or accuse me of not telling him, or being wrong about something I myself have documented for his care.

I do not have a room. I just turned 30, I sleep on a weathered, uncomfortable couch in the living room. I have no privacy, I can hear both my father's and roommate's televisions throughout the day. In the year I have been here as his caregiver, I have gained weight, my depression (chronic and diagnosed since I was 18) is constant, my overall mood and personality is noticeably deteriorated. I was already on the fence of speaking to my therapist again on the topic of atleast "partial disability" with the way my mental health is - at this rate it may be a necessity.

My father's roommate is atleast functional, and somewhat competant, however - we are all now being evicted from their run-down apartment, because they evidently had an agreement with the landlord to not smoke back in 2019, which had been broken. So now I am stretching myself even more thin calling where I can, having to fill out applications for 3 people everywhere we want to apply to live, all the while I have little to no support. With a date for eviction court pending.

The 'agency' I am hired from is laughable in my experience so far. Of course I am new to this, though I find it ridiculous that I am paid poverty-line wage, and simultaneously expected to be responsible to purchase a first aid kit and fire extinquisher for the home. I even used said extinguisher for its intended purpose, and the care manager had to fight the insurance to stop paying me because I had to wait 2 days for one to come in to replace it. The agency only calls me if there are reports of falls (there are many, my father has orthostatic hypotension), No one has even called to ask about my survey, to which I reported my mental, physical and emotional health having rapidly declined - And they get irritated when you actually continuously contact them for support or help of any kind.

As it stands, I'm going to try and truck along as best I can, atleast until we can solidify a new living arrangement (In hopes that the court sees we have been looking and will grant us a couple more months to seek housing), and attempt to start speaking with my therapist again. Perhaps live-in caregiving is not for me, and I should persue my IT certification again, and find a replacement caregiver - but for now, I'm glad to have found a forum where I feel a little less alone in what I am going through. It is 9 45 am, and I have a cold and a headache - but can atleast enjoy some warm tea. I hope you all have a little something to enjoy today, as well. <3

-V

Greetings everyone. Happy birthday Golden and all the Virgos.
I am not caught up. So many times I have wanted to post. Just know that you are all in my heart and prayers.
So good to hear the progress of my heroes.
I am still struggling and fighting the good fight.
I relate with posts about reliving the ugly wrongful deeds of our loved ones.
One of my prayers is to let these memories and pain go.
How do I do this!! It's who I am even recognizing the programing that I accepted in a need for love acceptance and appreciation and acknowledgement. I am learning at this late age the things I didn't know that I didn't know. I struggle to process my ignorance or my need to not know. I recognized a while back how my subconscious understanding was working in my way of harshly imposing independence on my son. I didn't want him dependant on my love as I was with my parents. Many times I felt I did this so well that he ended up feeding into the manipulation of my mother and sister who are narcissists in their attempts to use their knowledge of his pain and my issues against me.
There was jealousy that he was a handsome beautiful child. Of course I did not deserve this. I didn't want him to be stuck on stupid and stuck on beauty and color.
Although this did affect him it could not touch our love and our bond. I later learned of the tactics in our indepth conversations after he had a child and around and after he settled down with his wife and daughter.
We have always been upfront and honest with each other from day one. I did not nor did I know how to express my issues with my mother and sister as I had had blinded myself for a lifetime. It was always An issue that I accepted and made excuses for. My every focus was proving my love and making my mother happy to no avail. It hurt that my son was exposed to subtle means of attacks witch were validated from my lack of perception and my ardant honorable and programed acceptance and subconscious understanding of retaliation and manipulations.
AnywAys I am still holding on.
Words can not express how this forum and the beautiful angels here have impacted my growth and understanding sometimes there were times I didn't acknowledge my faults in understanding. But my heroes were so admant and persistent in my journey that I was finally able to perceive and accept my truth. I learned about narcissism which I could never grasp in college but wasn't a necessity to understand. My heroes shared information about this which gave me clarity on what I was dealing with and my truth and the affects on who I am today.
My life and my profession is a cumulation of hold in my feelings and response to maintain an environment to save lives or not expose disfunction pertaining to family.

I pray and hope everyone is preparing for this return of c19 and the possible inadvernt events. Stay in Prayer and stock up on necessities I don't think this will be a joke.
In some ways I am glad I didn't get the surgery and that it will be awhile coming. I think of having issues from when the first surgery was scheduled and having to possibly have admission from complications down. The line or even having surgery in the mist of a pandemic and being exposed in danger of the circumstances.
Much love to all.
May love peace a d healing shine upon us all!

Hey, all. Just want to say hello and welcome to the new posters.

Hasta, I was reading your post and appreciating your succinct perspective on the impossible nature of caregiving in dysfunctional families, and toxic positivity, and then you said, "Way down in my Google search page was the title of a post that said something like 'Am I a bad person if I wish my elder parent would just die?' And I felt such relief."

I laughed way too hard at that! :) Dysfunctional family caregiving can be emotional torture with no clear way to get out of it. All the well-meaning advice in the world can't help in those situations, but commiserating with others in similar situations at least helps people feel sane, imo.

I'm glad you found this thread. Vent/post away and find support.

Update on me: I'm in a master's program for behavior analysis. I'm not in any hurry to start working with local services (was supposed to start last fall, but then I had the low sodium episode, was very sick, and I put everything off). I start practicum hours next year as part of the curriculum. All is well on that front.

I threw my back out today. I tend to get this painful spasm once a year or so, and I'm laid up for the day and took a muscle relaxer -- so I'm a little dopey atm. The back will heal soon enough, and it's given me time to get online and catch up a little.

I've been ruminating about my need for professional therapy for a while. I reached out to a local counselor today to set up an initial appt. The expense of therapy could be a barrier in the future but I feel I have to at least try to better recognize my emotional/mental habits that don't serve my best interests. I developed panic disorder around 2013 (12-18 months after caregiving started) and it's never fully subsided. It'd be good to gain some tools to help with that.

I reached out to a male therapist. But now I'm wondering if I should select a woman therapist. Thoughts on this? Those of you who have therapists now or in the past, do you feel same-gender is important? Thanks. Much love to all of you.

Hmmmmmmm. How am I? I feel orphaned but managing quite well. I am filing major paperwork for moms future alternate housing…Mom will go broke within the year and may not be able to stay in her assisted living. Virginia medicaid will not pay the rent. My only sibling….... has managed to get keep a big emotional detachment the past 4.5yrs with moms caregiving. He now claims he “never bonded” with any of us as a child. He claims no real love for family. Our mom was a good mom who was raising a CF child who died at 10 when we were teenagers. Her hands were full. This nonbonding status allows him to criticize my level of emotions while navigating her care facility. It also allows him to visit mom 1.5 hrs a week. When her money runs out in 12 months it allows him to refuse her a bedroom at his home {he has 2 homes} and it gives me the potential job of full time mom care in a small apartment. As Poa I do the heavy lifting for moms life. Moms 90 and healthy all but her moderate Lewy Body which causes mobility issues and some confusion that varies daily. She can not be left alone. To stay sane I see a counselor and maintain many friendships. Sadly family is very disappointing indeed! Thanks for asking..

How am I doing today?
Better than yesterday but the day is young! lol I am so glad someone made a thread on this.
It is a constant struggle to maintain healthy boundaries, provide care for your family member, work through daily life struggles and maintain chores, provide care for yourself, etc. It is all to much for one person and the layer of dysfunction definitely adds a layer of spice that leaves marks.

It's a coincidence that when I mention I have plans out, there is a fall. Or is it?
Not my first rodeo ride. I still went out.

I'm so glad to find a place that acknowledges the differences between caring for parent(s) when your family is dysfunctional versus when you have a long and loving bond with them. Initially when I googled I would see an article that would mention something about the extra level of difficulty caregiving in a dysfunctional family but the article would be short, never offering any valid solutions besides "communicate with your family." Now if we could sit and respectfully and constructively communicate would we be dysfunctional? And worse of all most had a toxic positivity spin that would enrage. me. Then I found this place. Way down in my google search page was the title of a post that said something like "Am I a bad person if I wish my elder parent would just die?" And I felt such relief.

I think why I am having such a hard time is that I am being TRIGGERED and perhaps having what I have recently learned are called EMOTIONAL FLASHBACKS. My emotions are crazy. I think being back in my childhood home for a few days a week, being in constant contact with siblings about our father, I have just lost that space needed for sanity. Anyway, grateful to vent. Today my main feeling is rage. All day over a very small comment. That is how I know it is a trigger. So I did some journaling. Kind of got to the bottom of it. Told my inner child she actually did/does have every reason to feel this way. Just waiting for my heart to stop beating and the feelings to dissipate enough to maybe catch a couple hours of sleep....

Jens
I feel your pain!! My brothers did the same crap to me!! They only got involved after my Dad was gone. They knew then that they could manipulate my Mom, take over everything, cut me out of the family finally and make sure that I got nothing that my Dad left for me. They don't care about Mom. All they care about is money. Which those two idiots still haven't realized there isn't any, because they bled them completely dry!!

Random thoughts on my mind:

Some people are just bad people. You’ll keep thinking, “Why can’t they see my point of view?”…They do. They just don’t care. Some of them not only don’t care, but they get great satisfaction that you’re unhappy, or your life’s not going well, or they contributed to making your life miserable.

Some people just aren’t good people. One sign is that the conversation will go round in your head, because you keep trying to make them see your point of view.

Sometimes it’s confusing: we think, “They’re not that bad. They’re not a bad person. They haven’t murdered anyone, they’re not a gangster, criminal…”

But you know what? Someone can still be a bad person, even though they’re not a murderer, etc…

And if they’re super “nice” to others? So what. They’re not nice to YOU. That means they’re not a nice person. And they probably get some benefit from being “nice” to those other people. If there would be some benefit for them being “nice” to you, they would do it.

Don’t think a bad person will become a good person. They don’t change. You’ll keep getting mad, protesting against them, doing all you can to change them. It’s literally like banging your head against the wall.

When you’ve identified a bad person (many of them are IN OUR FAMILY), then if possible avoid them. Bad people don’t change. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Jens, let us know how you're doing!

Advice for anyone surrounded by dysfunctional people: Stop stressing over sh***y people.

BarbBrooklyn, Beatty, and Need Help With Mom: thank you so much for your support and kindness. A military friend agreed to let me stay with her if I need to, so at least I have a place to go initially. My brother will likely hire a nurse -- he has control of Mom's finances and, is also doing way better than me financially. She also has great insurance. However, a home might not be the best option for her...I will have to explain in another message. Going to try to sleep a bit.

Jens, thank you for your service!

I think the sooner you move out, the better. There is NO reason for you to be caring for your BROTHER!

Jens, there are those that just don't get it. Don't, won't or can't.

Not lift a finger - evem when they see someone else woth a full load.

Nevermind. Use your energies towards finding others to assist instead. Build a good team for your Mom yourself. Needs blow out past family sooner or later (even if you had 5 siblings). A common hurdle can be arranging 'non-family' help.

Jens,

Has your mom considered living in a facility? Then she wouldn’t have to depend upon you or your brother.

I am sure that you are exhausted caring for your mom. I was exhausted during my caregiver days. It’s a daily grind.

Best wishes to you.

I am struggling with caring for Mom who has mild dementia. I know I am burnt out. I currently live with my Mom and brother (I just moved here recently). My brother doesn't seem to care about my needs. I am expected to give up everything (financially) and take care of Mom, his dogs and him. My Mom had a fall last year - guess who took care of her (shots, vitals, exercises) while cooking, taking care of the dogs, shopping for the household, etc ? If I mention needing to go to the Doc, I get an annoyed "Why?" Lastly, we are not working together - he doesn't share his appointments/schedule. If he did, I could plan my needs around it. I asked him before to talk - he avoided me and went and hung out with his friend for the better part of the weekend. I just don't know if it's even worth trying to talk to him again. In the past, I have traveled multiple times to where they lived to take care of Mom - while he worked. I am looking towards just moving out - I don't want to leave Mom, but my mental health and future are important too.

I hear you, and I agree with you, Beatty. Continue your approach!

“I'm limiting contact left right & centre with those that present danger to me right now. Those that either drain my emotional resources, attempt to control or manipulate.”

That goes for online people, too.

Draining people have a huge effect on our health. Keep away.

One might only see the effect years later. Better safe than sorry: preventative approach: keep away.

I'm limiting contact left right & centre with those that present danger to me right now. Those that either drain my emotional resources, attempt to control or manipulate.

I find there are some situations I can avoid altogether. There are others it would appear rude not to attend but with 'a good reason' I can still limit time spent or leave early. Using a Grey Rock Lite approach. Keep to safe topics. Keep my guard up at all times.

It's tiring. Wearing a mask to hide my disdain. Feigning friendliness.

Just walking along.
Trying to see the holes in the road ahead before I fall in one. Choosing each step wisely so not to be thrown off balance.

To all those travelling on our own roads today - be of good cheer & remember to look up now & then! See how lovely the sky can be. Whether sunny, cloudy, stormy... The sky is always changing.

Hey Sharyn, good to see you on here!

hello everyone, I pray you are doing well considering the dysfunctional family. I haven’t posted in a while since having pt. It’s been a busy summer I hope everyone is well

This is a great place to vent and learn.
Like a lot of people here, I don't know of any family that doesn't have issues, no matter how great they look on the outside.
I came to AgingCare as my narcissistic father's health started to decline.
What I notice here is a lot of the "scapegoat" children end up as carers and the "golden child" is far away, too busy, too important to help out.
Is this because we hadn't learnt boundaries or because we wanted one last chance to prove our worth or is it because we are more than the sum that made us and we couldn't help but care?
I don't know, I'm still learning here.
What I can say is I learnt about setting and keeping boundaries from the advice I received here, I found books such as "The Body Keeps the Score" here, I realised that how I was portrayed in the family wasn't true, it was just a dynamic and I sought help from psychologists and therapist after my "Ah ha!" moments.

Duck, hope all is well. You have insurance now?

Just checking in.

Rays of love peace and healing to us all.

verystressedout,

I refer to people like you are describing as energy vampires. They drain all of your energy and they become energizer bunnies!

So sorry that you are dealing with this.