I want to say that I was mistaken about how many vehicles dad/stepmom have given sister and her family. It's been 4, not 13. 13 was for the entire network of children and grandchildren.
I want to thank everyone for their very supportive posts. We're just beginning to understand the PTSD brought on by mom and sister over many years. Mostly guilt. Husband now is no contact. It will be hard, we know. We had to go no contact with a neighbor.
My question now is how much do we tell dad about what goes on behind his back? Dad and stepmother continue to give sister money for church missions where they go to poverty-stricken countries. If dad hesitates about making a contribution sister gaslights him that he has money for other things and she's actually doing something good, but it's up to you, just sayin.
This is the SIL I know... poor me, no one understands me, dad left us and we had a crappy life, I always wanted a better relationship with my brother/your husband, he wouldn't step up and be my dad and protector, I really love him and wish things could be different.
There was a party recently for dad/stepmom and sister came with husband and son. Within 20 minutes she asked dad for money for their upcoming mission, he agreed. She then proceeded to say things at the table... she didn't like the food, didn't know why she wasn't asked to have a part in the program, what's wrong with stepmom's hair? Haha! Really? I can tell you stepmom's hair was beautiful!
This is the sister... little mousy passive aggressive comments, making people laugh, then when someone calls her out, why can't we all get along?, why do you have to cause trouble?
On the tails of cutting off mom and sister it seems petty to stir up dad and stepmom, but sister never changes. She always bites the hand that feeds her.
In reviewing past we see that mom stopped having daughter and son and families over for holidays. Daughter would make fun of mom to son to be cute, mom didn't like it. Mom has needy relationship with daughter so son and family not included anymore.
So again, my question is how much to tell dad/stepmom? It's uncomfortable to know people are getting duped... again.
P.S. Dad/stepmom know sister is disingenuous, but sister keeps asking and they are doing what they can to not upset her. I'm sure there's some amount of guilt dad feels for her life. Again, sister gaslights everyone. Oh and I might mention that sister doesn't work, hasn't worked a real job ever that I know of.
Let SIL deal with the parents, since she's the favorite and gets all the money all the time AND is the sole heir.
Why can't just go no contact with all off them?
But let's suppose for a second that dad and stepmom DON'T know about sister's manipulations, just don't see it, and you DO tell them. Ultimately what I think you're looking for is for dad/stepmom to blow a gasket and confront sister, refuse to finance anymore of her shenanigans and give her the comeuppance you feel she so richly deserves. Not bad thoughts on your part. We all like to believe in karma, reaping what you sow, cosmic justice, whichever term you choose to use.
But what if that DOESN'T happen? What if you tell dad/stepmom what's what (assuming they don't already know) and they CONTINUE to give sister money? How are you going to feel then? Will that start to poison your relationship with them? You are already no contact with half of your husband's family - with good reason! - will this lead to enough "bad blood" that you go no contact with that side as well? And is this something you are willing to risk?
I know this is not an easy thing to witness. I was the trustee on my mom's estate and I had to fork over a third of it to my absentee sister and her loser of a husband. I get it - it galled me, each and every check I wrote and sent to her. But it was my mom's money, and she was very clear in her wishes on how it was to be distributed after she passed away. If I hadn't done what she asked, I might have had a few moments of triumph, but eventually the guilt would have gotten the better of me; not to mention the fact that it was my legal obligation to distribute her estate according to her wishes, not mine.
I realize that that's not the same scenario as you are living, but I just wanted to tell you your feelings are justified, but that doesn't mean that your plan to "spill the beans" to dad is going to do anything more that make you even more resentful over the situation. You may find it more heartbreaking to discover that dad and stepmom will continue to give sister money even though they know without a doubt - because you told them - that she's not a nice person.
It's just something to think about.
For someone to cease to annoy us as others have stated you need to attempt to pretend they don't exist at least in your lives.
I am sorry this is your situation. I have experienced versions of this mainly with certain friends. No matter what difficulties I was going through I was told they were not really difficulties compared to theirs. I tried to be supportive until it was clear to me that a particular person that proved toxic in my life would argue what I felt I needed to share did not compare to their situation. I wasn't interested in prolonging a contest. A true friend/relative is there for you when you might feel the need for words of encouragement despite their difficulties which in my case I had voiced countless occasions of attempted encouragement.
You will only be free if they cease to exist in your mind.
What your FIL does with his money and what behavior he tolerates from his kids is HIS business.
If you don’t wish to be involved, the answer is not to tell ‘dad’ anything behind anyone else’s back. Please realize that you would be stirring the pot if you do that?
Drop it, just drop the whole thing, the entire mess and let them deal with everything. They threw your husband out with yesterday’s trash so why are you concerned about what they do or don’t do?
I am sorry that this happened in your family and that you’re hurting. It’s truly awful but let it be. You have absolutely no power to change anyone else’s behavior so why would you even consider blabbing behind their backs. Nothing will change and it will only add more frustration and misery.
We get it. Sister is a leach, a parasite, who is a user. Start focusing your energy on your own lives instead of wasting it on them.
Find a great therapist that will help you to work through your pain of living in a dysfunctional family.
Wishing peace, healing and happiness for you and your husband.
You've gone no-contact, great! Then you go on to ask how much to tell dad/stepmom. If you're no-contact, why would you continue to be involved in any way? Your very question tells me that you're not really in the mindset of no-contact yet.
No-contact means none. Nada. Zero. You are out of it and uninvolved, you know nothing. You don't want to know. You go on living your merry lives and let it play out as it does. You should not care.
Of course you DO care, because you've been enmeshed for so long and habits are hard to break. And you think to yourself, well, they're family, dad's family, and you have to blah blah blah. Look where that's gotten you so far, and also what it's done to dad/stepmom.
Stop worrying this thing like a dog with a bone. Go somewhere. The beach. A motel with a pool. The Alamo. Las Vegas. Don't even send any of them a post card. This is what it is to be free.