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Thanks, everyone.

I know that catching cancer early on is key in how the treatment goes. His had not spread so the radiation treatments were able to be targeted at one specific area.

I appreciate your kindness. It helps so much to feel your warmth and support.
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NeedHelp.
Wonderful news. I bet you feel relieved. I am so happy the radiation treatments are successful. I am happy for your husband and family. Hugs.
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Great news about your husband's PSA!

I'm also relieved that you've seen your mom and that she is comfortable.
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That's such good news NHWM. So happy for you. Your husband is on track to full recovery/remission.

Perfect occasion to celebrate.
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Update on my husband...

He got his hormone therapy and they drew blood to measure his PSA levels.

He got his results back from lab testing. PSA levels were what the doctor suspected. They are within the normal range, so it looks like his radiation treatments have been successful in treating his prostate cancer.

Of course, he will need another hormone injection and will need further testing. So far, so good!

What a relief!
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Daughter,

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I wholeheartedly agree with your assessment that we are better caregivers when we aren’t stressed out to the max.

Caregiving is never an easy thing to do. It helps to utilize hospice during this time.

Mom is being kept comfortable. I truly feel that she is relieved to be bed bound.

It became so difficult for her to move. Then she lost the ability to move. Advanced Parkinson’s is absolutely brutal.

Sometimes she has a blank look on her face or a look of exhaustion on her face, but no matter how horrible she feels, she always finds a smile for her grandchildren.

It’s the same with any medical staff. The nursing staff says that she is always pleasant with them. She never complains to them.

Of course, I know that they are medicating her properly.

She has her Parkinson’s meds and they added another med that helps her relax.

Mom has always been a vivid dreamer.

She tells me of pleasant dreams of a little girl.

She has a smile as she speaks about this child in her dream. It’s interesting.

I’m just relieved that she is in a place with compassionate care.

I know that she is ready to be with my dad in the afterlife.
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NHWM, your post is so emotional and heart felt. I’m grateful you had this conversation with your brother, how healing for you both. I’m also grateful for you to be able to see your mother on her current journey without being in the role of full time caregiver, you’ll be much better as a caring daughter instead of a stressed out daughter. You’re a bright light of support and encouragement to many, both your family and the group here are blessed to have you. I wish you and your family peace
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Liz, (Cherokee)

Thank you for your heartfelt message. I have always appreciated your support and enjoyed reading your postings.

Of course, I will remember your daughter in my thoughts and prayers. I do believe in the power of prayer.

My husband has already gone through his radiation treatments. He has his hormone treatments left to do.

We are hopeful that his PSA levels drop. He had blood drawn this morning, so we don’t have the lab results back yet.

Your daughter is lucky to have such a loving mom. She sounds like a wonderful person. You must be very proud of her.
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NHWM......oh how happy reading your post made me! I have followed your journey for the last 2years. I am sorrry to hear of your husbands cancer diagnosis. My active duty Army daughter, who has been in Germany for 2 1/2 years, underwent surgery yesterday for stage 4 melanoma on her left foot. So far they removed the tumor and mass, about half of her foot and several affected lymphnodes.....please remember us in your prayers.
i learned so much from you from the very beginning, learned that some days we cry, others we can laugh, and sometimes we just want to hide under the bedcovers all day. I could literally feel your pain and desperation. I am so thankful that your mom is now in care, and that you are going to be seeing her. Also, that your brother has finally “seen the light” and apologized to you. All the heartache and pain , in that respect, i hope is gone and your family can move forward in a loving, kind and compassionate way. Much love and many blessings to you, i will pray for your husband. And you too, this waiting for results of tests, biopsies, etc is so unnerving. Take care. Liz
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Grammie,

Thank you so much. Your kindness touches my heart.
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It was so encouraging to read about your conversation with your brother. I hope your visit with your mom is sweet and that your husband does well.
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Riverdale,

Thanks for your support. It’s true, in many cases cancer is treatable but must always be monitored.

We are hopeful and he is continuing to monitor his situation with his doctors.

I hope your husband has gotten past the worst of it. It’s stressful to go through any health crisis.
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Wishing you strength for this upcoming meeting with your mother. My husband was diagnosed with prostrate cancer in 2019. Further tests revealed it to seem to be in low levels yet spread throughout the prostrate. We discussed all the options with 2 doctors. He opted to have it removed partly because it would not be ideal to radiate so many areas. Of course cancer is not ideal but one does the best treatment for the nature of the condition. I wish you and your husband the best possible news. My husband has had a clean test since the removal. There are other factors that he has side effects from but is at least free from the worry that the cancer is spreading.
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Lea,

Thanks a million for your ongoing support. It means the world to me. I have benefited from your wisdom for a long time.

Your posting said a mouthful and more! You have been through the mill regarding your mother and know exactly how it is to deal with the complexity of caregiving.

I wish the very best for you, your health and pray that your mom’s situation will stabilize. My word, your mom has had so many reactions to her meds, plus all of her many other ongoing needs.

Still praying for your dear husband.
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It's unfortunate that it takes such a level of burnout and gut wrenching exhaustion before many of us hold up the white flag and surrender. Give up the caregiving and pass the torch onto the next poor soul or onto a managed care facility for a team approach rather than one person shouldering the tremendous load.

I'm glad your brother apologized, but sorry it took your call over there instead of his call to you. He's had only a very, very small taste of the huge job it was to care for a difficult mother, both emotionally and physically. Oh, the armchair critics always have all the answers while they supervise from afar. It isn't until they're actually knee deep in the trenches before they scratch their heads wondering, " how on earth did she manage this nightmare all those years?" His apology may be too little too late, or then again it may be the seedling that starts off a new and better relationship off between you two. Time will tell.

Your mother is where she belongs now in hospice, being kept comfortable until God is ready to take her Home. Only then will SHE understand how you've been affected by her behavior while she was alive on Earth. I hope a swift and peaceful transition for her now, after 9 and one half decades of life.

And wishing you peace during your visit to her, secure in the knowledge that you've been a wonderful daughter to her your entire life, and did everything in your power for her. I know it will be an emotional visit, but a necessary one for both of you. May God bless you and keep you during this difficult time, my friend.
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Thanks so much, Polar for the warm wishes with my husband.

He went to his urologist this morning. He got his second hormone treatment.

As I have said in an earlier post, he’s finished with his radiation treatments.

The doc says that now it’s a waiting game but he expects the PSA levels to be down when he reviews the lab results from the blood drawn.

So, hopefully this ordeal will be behind us after his final hormone injection.
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Cammy,

Welcome!

Wow, 97! Yeah, we never know how long our parents will live. People live really long these days.

It’s a struggle caring for them.

Thank you for your kind words. I wish you well as you travel along your difficult journey.
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Polar, EB and Elaine,

Your understanding means the world to me. It really does.

Polar,

My brother is like Paul’s (UK thread) brother when it comes to wives. He goes through marriages! He’s on wife number four.

Want to hear the irony of it all? Wife number four has a masters in psychology!

Yeah, she actually finished her degrees after her marriage to him.

I suppose that she needed degrees in psychology to stay married to him! LOL

She’s either a complete fool for staying with him, truly loves him or waiting for his pension to pay off school loans, hahaha.

She is younger than his children. She doesn’t allow my nephews sons to call her grandma.

I have to say that in the beginning of their relationship, they were so wrapped up in the excitement of their affair that they were like teenagers in love! They were both married at the time.

It was the same thing with his third wife, both were married at the time.

Wife number two wasn’t married when she started a relationship with him. Nor was he but he cheated on her with wife number three.

He also cheated on his first wife. He’s been a serial cheater on all but the last one because he’s older (almost 70) and has heart trouble now so I doubt that he could.

His health is declining and his doctor told him that the stress of caring for mom would kill him.

So, it finally sunk in just how much I did when I was mom’s caregiver.

His current wife was smart enough not to quit her job like I did to care for mom but she did help when she was off work so I know that she was exhausted. I am glad that she was there for mom.

Family situations can become very complicated!
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I am new to this forum and so appreciate your story. Thank you for sharing as some of the same elements are in my story at this time. It brings tears to my eyes just reading that there are people out there that struggle with a tough parent. In my case it is my mom who is almost 97, stubborn, and sometimes mean to say the least. I'm grateful you are receiving some relief and sorry to hear about your husband. I have been married for 42 years and would like to enjoy some spontaneity as he is retired and before his health goes down.
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NHWM- I have from time to time wondered about your mom, and especially about your brother if he has had enough of caregiving to realize that it is the most difficult and most thankless job there is.

I was so glad to find out that he had taken his mom to go live with him and his wife. Too bad he only got to do caregiving for such a short time compared to your 30 years. Wish it was at least 5 - 10 years so he and wife would truly enjoy being in your shoes. They really lucked out.

You are such a forgiving person. I don't know if many people would forgive a horrible sibling like your brother. I wouldn't.

I am glad he apologized to you because he owes you a big one. The next persons who also should apologize to you is his wife. And the last person who should apologize and thank you is your mom, but I doubt at her age and being a NM she would know how to be sorry and thankful. Grrr... I am still angry about the way they all treated you.

NHWM, you are really a generous and kind soul, and so is your husband. I wish you both a wonderful 43th anniversary, and a 50th, a 60th, and 70th and many more after that.
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Hello NeedHelp, I am glad you were able to see your mom. It must have been difficult to see her like that. I am glad she is settling in and is accepting the move. You have no reason to apologize to anyone, NeedHelp. You are a sensitive and caring person and it shows in your posts here on this site. You took care of your mother for over 15 years with family coming at you from all sides in a negative way. How hard that must have been for you and everyone around you. You need to give yourself some credit here and know you did the best you could for your mom, but it got so difficult. I know first hand how hard it is and I love my mom to pieces, but I could not do it alone now. I thank God I have help. I think it would benefit you to see your therapist to get you through some difficult emotions that have surfaced recently. It will take some time with your brother and time does heal, apologizing is a good thing, but does not undue all the hurt endured during those years you took care of your mother. I am wishing you much peace, strength and lots of love as you move forward. Praying for your mom. Big hugs to you.
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Needhelpwithmom your post made me cry. Big hugs to you. So happy your brother reached out to you. Hospice is wonderful. Prayers to you and your family.
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I am kind of wound up, I suppose. Today stirred up a lot of emotions for me.

Overall though, I know that my sincerest prayers have been answered, which is to have peace in my family and especially for my mom during her final time on this earth.

I’m Irish (my dad’s side) and I suppose that I can be a little melancholy at times.

Everything that happened today has me reflecting on the past.

I truly wish that I had found this forum sooner than I did. I was in over my head by the time I found this forum. So I wasn’t in the best place at that point in time.

I would like to apologize if I seemed defensive for being a home caregiver.

I sincerely did not wish to offend anyone that was trying to help.

Let’s face it. I was blind. It took me a while to see the entire situation for what it was.

Thanks to all of you who were patient and understanding.

I realized later that you were not being critical of me.

It’s just that I had so much criticism coming at me from mom and my brothers that I couldn’t handle anything that I perceived to be additional pressure.

I was so indoctrinated in the idea of being mom’s full time caregiver that I couldn’t accept any other viewpoint.

I ask your forgiveness for my behavior, such as being overly sensitive and perhaps too defensive.

I needed to hear the truth. It’s why I stuck with therapy because I recognized the truth and finally saw the light. My therapist was caring enough to keep driving home the truth to me and he will always have my respect and gratitude.
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I realize more and more how much I did not know about being a primary caregiver.

I thought I knew everything that I needed to know.

I am nurturing by nature but looking back I wasn’t prepared for what was to come.

After mom lost her home in Katrina all I wanted to do was to comfort my mom.

I did not experience seeing my parents care for their parents.

My mom had a great relationship with her mom, so I never saw any conflict.

I actually thought that moving mom in with us would make things easier in some ways. There would be no more trips back and forth to her house.

I missed my privacy after she moved in.

Mom missed her home but she seemed to settle in.

She adored my daughters. They loved her. She loved my husband.

Clearly, I wanted and needed one thing but my reality was quite different.

I kept trying to change what I couldn’t change which was my biggest mistake.

Could I have prevented it? Perhaps, with the right guidance.

I didn’t know about this forum to hear of everyone else’s perspective and as the only daughter, I was expected to take mom in.

I don’t think it even occurred to me that I didn’t have to care for mom.

What’s done is done. There are pros in cons in most things.

I do love my mom in spite of her issues but I don’t think it is the right choice for everyone to do home caregiving.

I did my best but it certainly wasn’t what was best for my family.

It’s a huge sacrifice to make.

If someone is not in this situation they have no idea, just like I had no idea how hard it would become to be a home caregiver.

Bottom line is that there are reasons why hospice facilities exist. Mom has accepted being there and in a way I think it is a relief for her.

I pray that she won’t suffer or be afraid. I don’t think that she will. I think that I struggle with those emotions about her more than she does. She was very strong when younger. She’s so tired now. It’s sad. She’s been ready to leave this world.

Maybe I should make a therapist appointment to talk about my feelings.
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cxmoody,

That’s very nice of you to say. I appreciate it.
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Thank you so much for sharing, NHWM. I appreciate all the wisdom you give, here on the forum.

I wish you and your brother great years ahead together!
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Cwille,

The circumstances are hard, knowing what is coming. I pray that I don’t ever get Parkinson’s disease.

It was a pleasant surprise to have my brother be understanding of what I went through as a caregiver.

My brother said the neurologist has done further testing and she is showing some dementia now.

I do take comfort that the nurses are excellent at keeping her comfortable as can be.
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Thank you so very much, EB.

I hope it is a fresh start. Before he hung up the phone he said that he wanted the ugly past to be over between us. So you are correct that he is looking ahead to healing with a new beginning.

He admitted that he didn’t appreciate before but now he realizes how much I did for mom.
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I'm happy for you that your family has been able to overcome past hurts and be there for each other at this difficult time 🤗
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NeedHelp, I teared up reading your post. I am so glad your brother apologized to you. This might be a new beginning for both of you. Sending special prayers to your mom. Hospice will take good care of her. Wishing all of you strength and peace. Thinking of you as you visit your mom today. Hugs.
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