After chatting with everyone on the forum the other day in regards to my 90 year old mothers Narcissistic behaviour and her favouring my second sister and her husband, hubby and I have decided that we dont want to be involved with any of her legal's. Sounds harsh but as I said my sister and her husband have had a hidden agenda with mother and now its working. They want to take over her affairs then so be it.
My hubby and I cant go on living in a constant state of stress and excess anxiety. We are incredibly sad that we have been treated like this and feel it best to just let my sister and her husband take over the lot.
As I said the other day they have always been the golden haired children and can do no wrong when they have been devious, underhanded and have lied to her so many times in the past that we feel we are best to just "Dump" being Power of Attorney, Gaurdian etc. I am on her records as her Primary Carer but after what she has done over the last couple of weeks we dont want to be held accountable for the fact that if she has to go into care it may not be here in her home town.
In NSW AUSTRALIA if someone needs to go into care and there are no facilities/room available here they will send her to wherever is available.
I know it sounds brutal but given the behaviour of her and my sister and her husband and my brother and sister in laws behaviour it won't matter what we (hubby and I do) we will get toasted by our other siblings if she is sent off to another town.
It wont matter what decision we make we will get attacked by all of them.
She has a "Unity" care package in place so its not like she does not have access to assistance with absolutely everything, gardening if needed, home maintenance, plumbers, nursing if showering is needed. Absolutely everything.
My hubby and I have been there for her for the whole time even before she had illiostomy surgery for bladder cancer 16 years ago.
We took her on holidays, took her to see her brother and sister when she was well enough to travel, took her on day trips, took her meals, took her to chinese and the list goes on and on and now she has turned on us like pack of wolves and we dont feel we owe her a thing after this.
I know many of you may think this is brutal but it is necessary or one of us or both of us will have a heart attack and we were only blessed with one child and none of my family bother with him and he is a beautiful young man who doesnt need sick parents at the tender age of 22
I have done what everyone suggested and stayed away and I have not attempted to contact her as I know she will just ignore my calls anyway.
If I go to her house I know she will rant and rave and play the victim or get told to leave the house.
Hubby and I are really struggling with these decisions but I have already been in the Stroke Unit once and have had a couple of funny turns because of all this. It wasn't actually a stroke apparently but a form of migraine that causes paralysis on one side of the body and is initiated by stress. The point is though do we continue to live this nightmare and risk one of us being buried before my mother or just cut all ties legally and physically.
We have to consider our health and the welfare of our only son and his partner.
Again as my freind's have said and so many of you amazing people in this forum have said
"She has lived her life and you and your hubby have to walk away from this toxicity"
Thank you all in advance.
"My dear Pipsqueak: On Nov. 10, I was thunderstruck by a sentence in your response to Isthisrealyreal: "I know for a fact she will tell everyone in the family that we have turned our backs on her ..."
It popped in my head, yes, you're turning your back on your mother, and if anyone critical of you speaks those words to you, here is one response for you: "Yes. I am. Because my face is battered from her verbal attacks. My eyes are blistered from her looks of hatred and scorn. My head is bruised from her insults. My stomach is exploding from the stress of helping her only to be punched in the stomach by her rejections. My back is all I have left for her."
Back to the here and now: Last year, while I was caring for my sweet mom at massive personal sacrifice (long story), my sisters were cruel and that cruelty continued after Mom died. I have cut my sisters out of my life. So in the space of several months, I lost my entire family. I've never been happier.
I'm happy and relieved for you! Enjoy your well-deserved peace and REAL family! And that family includes us here at AC. *hug*
I cannot thank you all enough for your support, the clarity you have given us both and yes my amazing hubby is what he is Simply amazing. I think he struggles with this more than me not having had his own mother and after she said to him on that day. "#@@!!&^! I use to think very highly of you" Cruel cutting words with double edged blunt knife to say the least.
You have all been our rock this last few days especially with your words of comfort and support.
It has been rough and I have gotten to the stage that I wont even call in on her birthday. We both agreed to be the adults and we will have flowers sent the day before her birthday but not going to her house as I know the other Flower Children will be there with my brother in laws daughter and her hubby and their two gorgeous children (Who adore hubby and I) whom my sister and her husband turned the parents against us. To use children to hurt is the lowest act.
We figure we will have the door slammed in our faces anyway.
My sister and her eviI husband (we know stuff about him that is made of nightmares) did all this crap 13 years ago to put a wedge between our son and their grandaughter of the same age whom by the way has nothing to do with her grandparents and neither does her mother. MMMM! Well Gooo -OOlie said Gomer Pyle. I wonder why.
Yes I firmly believe that they have a hidden agenda and that is to take control of mothers affairs as they did with my brother in laws father.
They got the house and the whole estate and now I know why his brother of only two children took him to court and got half of the estate that he was entitled too.
Hubby and I as I said do not want a thing from her.
We started with nothing and we will leave this toxic excuse for a family with nothing.
I am still close with my eldest brother but how long before he is influenced is anyones guess. My other sister is a fence sitter but I dont expect her to be focused on our issues when she has just full breast reconstruction with breast cancer at 52 with two teenage children.
I/we know that we are two of the most selfless people that ever drew breath and thank you again everyone.
Don't ever go back to being her scratching post, let the wonder siblings have it all, forever.
Good choice for your family.
good luck.
I got so much criticism after I sacrificed everything for my mom. I ended up telling my brother and sister in law to take over if they thought they could do a better job. Mom now lives in their home. She was in mine for nearly 15 years. She’s 94. So they won’t have her that long! I have no relationship with them. It’s sad. Are the holidays going to be bittersweet? You bet!
My brother and I did not see eye to eye ever. My mom was famous for pitting us against each other. I had to just let go. Painful? Absolutely. Regrets? Hell no! Not my problem anymore. My other brother took their side. Oh well...
Grief? Sure, grief about what could have been, should have been. You know and I know that we don’t have control over other people. We can’t make anyone else do a damn thing. So it isn’t a sin to surrender.
I used to think that I was being strong for holding on. I found out, it took real strength to let go. But I did. It hurt like hell not to have a peaceful ending.
I struggle. I have depression. I am in therapy. I’m not giving up on finding peace. Time will dull the ache.
Do what is best for you. Don’t look back. Seek peace. Forgive if you wish. Heal your heart, mind and soul. I wish you well. Hugs! 💗
Anyway, I'm glad you decided to bow out of all of your mother's legal affairs, I think that is a sound and wise decision. It doesn't mean you don't care...........just that you've had enough abuse already.
Enough is enough.
Enjoy your life, my friend. You deserve to.