So tonight after speaking, in a Gray Rock Mode, to my elderly mother on the phone, I am running out of things to say to her. She lives an hour away from me. I am 62 and work with a 17 year old student daughter at home. Now that my mother can't drive, all she wants to know is when I have days off so she can ask me to drive to her town and chauffeur her around. Tonight she asked me if I have tomorrow off because she needs a litre of milk. Then she proceeds to tell me how she just got home from the hairdressers with a friend and how she had done enough cooking for about a dozen meals for herself. Duh. Could have got that milk somewhere I think. I live in a gated community for over 55s myself in a small home. I can walk to everything I need. I actually do not need a car. In 12 months my daughter will take my car when she goes to university. Hooray. I will be CAR FREE. I have explained this to my mother in the past. She has a second chance to get her licence next week but I feel she might fail again. She has refused to move either in with me or even to my town. So I went ahead and looked after my own and my daughters comfort and bought into this retirement community. She is so nice and polite in front of her friends but over the phone she runs everyone down to me. I am sick and tired of her complaining and denial of her own problems. I am not going to be driving for much longer as I hate driving now and it leaves me nervous and exhausted. She has no regard for my health or feelings. I am determined to be car free. Anyone got advice for the words to use to get through to her that if she fails her licence a second time she is STUCK? And needs to make some grown-up choices about what to do next. No other family live near her and two of her offspring do not see her. She has never been a scholar or a thinker and its got worse with age. p. s. she does not have dementia.
Now, I am going thru this with my husband who has dementia and suffers from tremors, balance issues, memory issues and scared the devil right out of me last time he drove. He is 76, has glaucoma and I drive him everywhere. I am not in the best health but do what I can. He has a truck with only 27K miles on it and it is 8 years old. He is driving me crazy wanting to drive it but, the battery is dead. It is a daily argument. His dr said NO to driving. He swears she didn't. I was there when she did. I guess I need to start recording his sessions.
But, don't give him. we have a Star Transport here and they are not exactly the best but, they do work. No taxi service, no ubers. But we do have grocery and food delivery services. She could use them. Maybe some of her friends have grandkids who would like to have an after school job and have a vehicle. They could drive her places. Just a suggestion.
Now
Now, I am going thru this with my husband who has dementia and suffers from tremors, balance issues, memory issues and scared the devil right out of me last time he drove. He is 76, has glaucoma and I drive him everywhere. I am not in the best health but do what I can. He has a truck with only 27K miles on it and it is 8 years old. He is driving me crazy wanting to drive it but, the battery is dead. It is a daily argument. His dr said NO to driving. He swears she didn't. I was there when she did. I guess I need to start recording his sessions.
But, don't give in. we have a Star Transport here and they are not exactly the best but, they do work. No taxi service, no ubers. But we do have grocery and food delivery services. She could use them. Maybe some of her friends have grandkids who would like to have an after school job and have a vehicle. They could drive her places. Just a suggestion.
Now
Some people look at errands as an outing.
They look forward to chatting with the cashier or butcher, etc.
Many older people are lonely.
They want to see faces, hear others, speak to others too.
Can she take an Uber to the store? Then you don’t have to go and she can get out.
Or pay someone who needs extra money to take her.
One of my neighbors was in need of money after her divorce. I remember her helping out an elderly woman by taking her to doctor appointments, hair salon, grocery and so on.
My neighbor even brought her toddler along. The elderly woman loved her little boy.
It worked out for each of them. I suppose it depends on their health, concerns about Covid but if your mom has been vaccinated, she can go out again.
Since she is mentally intact she should be able to make a decision based on options available. It does sound like she is a bit like my mom and was raised to put on an uncomplaining face socially, and voice her discontent to someone she trusts. And so that person hears a steady stream of their wants and misgivings, but not so much the positive things. Your mom may not realise how it seems. If you’re family, you will likely feel like you need to help meet those needs. When that clashes with your needs, it’s natural to feel guilty.
Talk to your mom and make it clear you won’t be able to be her transport or last minute shopper.
Write a list of the different services available for her to keep, and review the list with her to pick an option when she tries to utilize you. You may have to work with her to get her comfortable using a home delivery app or uber - it may be easier to do that for her once a week. If she’s like my mom was pre-dementia, paying a delivery fee and a tip for a gallon of milk will shock her wonderfully into remembering it at the store next time.