I have POA for my 93 year old female cousin. She has no children and lives in a gated golf community 4 states away. She has stayed in her home because she has three neighbors and a step niece who have been helping her. She fell last week, was found by neighbors the next morning, went to hospital and is now in rehab. She smokes (on a patch while in hospital and rehab), doesn’t want to give it up. She drives, refuses to stop. She has savings and her house, but is spending money beyond her means. I am afraid she will live beyond her means. Her friends and niece are tired of all her needs, but won’t walk away which is enabling her to continue. She refuses to leave her home wants to go “feet first”. I am exhausted too. We travel to see her. Her disposition, which is very demanding and cranky, has left my husband washing his hands of her. We all believe she can’t be left at home alone, but can’t get her to move though we see her capacities failing. She isn’t so far along we can have her declared incompetent. I’m ready to give up POA!
Think for a moment about all the phenomenally awful decisions people make every single day. Substance use and abuse, gambling, risky sexual behavior, becoming hundreds of thousands in debt, you name it people are messing it up. What I've had to accept is that my mom and maybe your cousin aren't going to do what's best for us. They're going to do what they think is best for themselves even when they're wrong. All this is to say give up on being God or Superman, resign your POA, and make a good faith effort to make sure she assigns POAs to someone else. Someone young, ideally. There's an expression I love: you're not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Resist trying to fix or save.
Allow your cousin the dignity to fight her own battle - to negotiate a safe discharge with rehab herself. Don't get in the way.
If there isn't, and the reality is that the OP is refusing to consider any practical support, then it's pretty pointless your having POA and you may as well resign it on those grounds - it isn't a matter of pique, but your having POA may mislead other agencies or services into believing that your cousin has a stronger support network than she really does have.
Meanwhile, the neighbours and step-niece should start the laborious and tedious process of reporting every incident to APS, APS saying they can't do anything because the cousin has mental capacity, neighbours/step-niece keep reporting, APS keeps asking, and so on and so on until...
something happens that even your cousin can't argue with, such as a broken hip or a stroke, or
your cousin has a nasty moment followed by a change of heart or
your cousin passes the point where anybody can continue to consider her competent.
To avoid swallowing their own tongues and tearing their hair out in frustration, *everybody* should remember:
that it is cousin who will break her hip and be sorry, and not them;
that this is cousin's life which is becoming a daily challenge, and not theirs;
that no one individual is under any obligation to run cousin's errands, do her laundry, take her to appointments, or answer emergency phone calls. Encourage them to step back if they're providing more support than they are able and happy to, and be frank with your cousin about what demands she is placing on people.
Treat her like an adult, respect her decisions, but don't spare her feelings when it comes to discussing choices and consequences. If the situation blows up in her face, it'll be her responsibility and nobody else's.
You'll probably find she changes the subject, and it gets extremely irritating I can tell you. But then again, it is also not your responsibility if the local volunteers keep volunteering - you can only advise them not to if it's becoming too much.
Similarly, she may run out of money, yes. That's, frankly, her problem and not yours, until she is declared incompetent. Until that point, you have no legal power to restrict her spending. It may feel like watching a train wreck, but that's unavoidable. Still, you may want to contact her Area Agency on Aging or similar and ask them what your/her options are when she does run out of money/needs to move into a facility/etc.
Also, consider that being POA does not HAVE to require you to manage her. Your power of attorney does not override her choices. If she is competent, then her decisions can be all her own. If anyone contacts you, and it's a decision you don't want to make, just say, "my cousin is competent and should be allowed to make this decision." I'm not a lawyer, but I believe you could just "keep" the POA, but stand back and not "use" it. I say this because keeping the POA authority, even if you don't use it and instead defer to her for all decisions, will allow you to step in easily when/if she IS declared incompetent. At that point, it would be a hassle for you to regain POA (if you want it). (If you're Done With This, on the other hand, then of course, by all means, give it up officially.)
Good luck.
I would hang on to the POA and just not use it until it's necessary.
If it says that a Dr or 2 are need to make it effective, then you cannot do anything if she is still cognitive and can make informed decisions. If she still can make informed decisions, then your POA in not in effect.
While she is in Rehab, have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If found she needs it, tell the Social Worker that it would be "unsafe" to send her home where there is no one to care for her. Because u live so far way, you are not in the position to care for her either. Rehab should not release her based on this info. She then can be transferred to LTC. You maybe then able to pay her bills out of her money. Sell her house house for her care. When the money is gone, then apply for Medicaid. Maybe instead of LTC u can place her in a nice AL.
Or, maybe the niece would not mind taking over the duties of POA if cousin is still of sound mind to assign her. Your POA will be revoked when cousin assigns a new POA.
You being 4 states away is too far for someone who holds complete POA, financial and Medical. POA needs to be held by someone who lives much closer. If the lawyer who drew up the paperwork is still practising I would contact him and tell him its getting too much and you are too far away to continue to hold the POA and you want to revoke it. I would do the same thing in your place.
Even in those cases; every entity will require a copy that has to be verified by their 'legal department' before they will put it in their system.
All that to say, if her POA isn't broad enough to handle the situations she feels competent to handle, I agree - she should give it to a lawyer or her niece if she will take it.
Awaiting the crises to effect change - crazy isn't it.
You as POA need to have a talk with her. That either she allows a live-in companion to move into her house to help her, or you will surrender POA over to the state. The state will most likley "place" her due to her age alone.
She lives in a gated golf community. That is heaven on earth. I wish I could take the position myself because your cousin and me would be on that course every day. I was a smoker too. I don't think it will be too difficult to find live-in companion help for her.
Advertise and look for a fellow smoker. Believe me when smokers know they can smoke on the job, they're be lining up for that job.
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