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Mom has been falling almost every day and I can't be at home with her all the tiem. I have to handle my own life. What can I do?

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I would at least tell them what is coming. Yeah, your stupid “independence” stbborness will get you put in a home when u are found in your own waste, no, I won’t take you in like a baby, and this place is going to suck way more than if you’d cooperated beforehand, and stop crying.

These 1935 to 1950, protoboomers to early boomers, think they’re so special like they haven’t heard of aging. That is bs. When they were in their 20s and 30s they watched the Twilight Zone, which covered the topic of aging parents at least three times. No, it wasn’t the Walton’s, not even then.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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canoble1964, sometimes we have to let nature take its course. My folks were in their late 90's, still living in their house on their own. Dad would pack in a New York minute to move to senior living but my Mom would refuse.


So I just waited. Eventually that phone came, 911 was called, Mom was hospitalized due to a very serious fall, sent to rehab but the damage was too far great, sent to a nursing home. Dad hired a caregiver for himself (Mom would refuse them) and he visited Mom daily at the nursing home. Eventually Dad said time to sell the house and he moved into senior living. Oh how he wished my Mom would had agreed to that, he loved the place.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Beatty Jul 15, 2024
Married for what..50, 60 yrs? Surely they faced many decisions together & came up with many compromises over the years?

That's what I wonder, reading your tale.. plus also for my own folks (in this now). One wanted to move to AL years ago, the other didn't. Then a health crises & retraction of that AL wish, refusing home care help while the other agrees! Never on the same page.
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Be prepared. Make sure she has her affairs in order. Make sure there is POA, health proxy as well as making sure the house is in a revocable trust for the heirs (thereby not having lengthy probate which would be a mess), make sure someone has signature authority on her accounts so that her bills can be paid.

After that all you can do unfortunately is let her drive the bus and sit back and wait.

Good luck navigating this difficult situation.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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She's choosing how she wants to die. In her home, probably of complications of a fall. You could have a heart-to-heart with her explaining the results of her refusing help, but don't expect it to change her mind.

Then tell her about nice assisted living facilities near you, and maybe take her to visit a few. If she is still resistant, ask her about her final wishes - funeral? Embalm or cremate? Burial place? If that STILL doesn't get through to her, tell her that you recognize her right to refuse help and that next time you receive a fall call, you'll call 911. They'll take her to the hospital, and you can handle it from there as others have suggested - tell them they need to place her because there's is no one at home to continue this charade of "I'm living independently."

It's sad that it so often comes down to this.
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Reply to Fawnby
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If she’s of sound mind and refuses help, the best you can do is use her money to hire help to see that she’s not alone. The falls will continue, totally inevitable. You’re very correct to continue with your life and caring for your needs. An event will happen that forces change for mom, probably soon. No one likes to wait for it, but it always comes. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I wish I had an answer. My 98-year-old mother-in-law refuses to move to an independent living or assisted living facility. She lives alone with multiple levels and doesn’t drive anymore. She can barely walk. She’s lost a ton of weight. She has mild cognitive decline, which was documented after seeing a geriatric doctor. Now she refuses to go back to that doctor because she says the doctor’s note made her “look like an imbecile” .Her independence and intelligence means everything to her. And so based on the recommendations from the very many people on this site, I am stepping back. I check in on her offer help and put her in touch with people and resources and let her do what she wants to do.. When she falls and has to be hospitalized I can send her to rehab. Very few people get the Hollywood ending where they die in their sleep, but that’s what she’s hoping for. In the meantime, I’ve stopped trying to convince her - I just offer help. I wish you good luck. This is so hard and they are so stubborn and I pray to God I’m not like this to my children when I get older. Take care.
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Reply to NadineAnne
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Her legs maybe giving out. Happened to an Aunt who was 98vwhen she passed. As said, time to be placed.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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At age 99 she should not be living by herself; she needs to be in Assisted Living.

My mother is in AL, she also is 99, she really likes it, friends, activities and more.

She has been there for 3+ years.
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Reply to MeDolly
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Mom should not be left alone at 99 and since she's falling all the time! Yes, you "have to handle your own life" but what about keeping mom safe????

Offer her the option of getting in home caregivers or moving into Assisted Living, her choice. If you don't have POA, next time she falls, call 911 and get her sent to the ER to get checked out. Then tell them there's nobody at home to care for this woman and she's an UNSAFE DISCHARGE. The social worker will have to find placement for her.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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What would feel like a solution for you?

She's not going to ever stop falling until she breaks something and is then bedbound, since it is illegal to restrain someone. If she's refusing help then this may be a clear sign of her cognitive decline: no rational person would refuse help. She may not even be remembering that she fell. Extreme and irrational "stubbornness" is definitely a behavior symptom of dementia.

Is she on any meds for anxiety, agitation or depression? If not, this may help if she cooperates in taking them.

You DO have to prioritize your own life, so she needs oversight from someone else, or/and somewhere else.

These are solutions, if you accept it.

My 100-yr old Aunt with advanced dementia fell getting out of her own bed in her own home (and we had her "barricaded" to try to prevent this since she hasn't been able to walk without assistance for years). Even while in rehab she was still trying to get out of bed. I was in the process of finding facility care for her knowing that she would continue to get up and fall. "Thankfully" she passed away peacefully in her sleep before this happened.

I wish you peace in your heart as your find on a solution that works as good as possible for the both of you.
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Reply to Geaton777
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