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Mom was diagnosed 3 years ago with Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus after falling and lying on the floor for 17 hours.
This summer she's fallen 4 times, and had the "right" at age 78 to leave nursing rehab and go home to Dad. She says she's willing to take the risk of falling again to be home. We are uncomfortable with her choice, and she doesn't want "strangers" helping in her home. Dad is 81, and they are both barely functioning in their dysfunction. I'm just praying I don't have any regrets if something happens that I could have prevented. I have health issues myself, and it takes a lot out of me to help them. My biggest question is: How do I make peace with the poor choices I see my parents making when they are strong willed to stay in their home and function in their dysfunction, and seem happy to do so?

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Think of it this way, if you were in your mother or fathers position wouldn't you try to stay as independant as possible. The generation that some parents come from were taught not to ask or accept help, to save for the rainy day despite the fact it's flooding. I once had a client that didn't want to leave the house because she didn't want anyone to see her using a walker because it looked old.
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Good for you, Debralee! You don't need to make peace with them, and you certainly don't need to do hands-on caregiving for them. (I hope you aren't considering it.)

The "making peace" is this thread isn't about parents who were abusive and making peace with their abuse. It is about accepting decisions the parents make that the children don't think are in the parents' best interests. Different kettle of fish entirely, I think.
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How do you make peace with an elderly father who used you, his daughter, as a substitute wife when you were eight, while your mother was too busy playing pretent wife to a married man back then. How do you make peace with your elderly mother who does not believe it happened and could have avoided what happened to me if she had stayed home and been a wife to my father instead slutting around with a married man. Yes I have issues and spent years in therapy. I am a better person now. Not because I made peace with their monstrous choices, but because I made peace with myself.
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Wow, I sure wish I had found this forum 2 years ago...We are all in the same boat. Elderly parents are MUCH worse than bratty teenagers...but both are similar in how their choices can make us NUTS.
My parents were famous for saying to me: "You made your bed, now lie in it" and now I wish I had just repeated it back to them. No, I can't make peace with their stupid choices. I can't shake the guilt either. I sure wish I could because my life would be easier. Maybe you could ask my siblings how they shake the guilt because they had no problem turning their backs on the parents. The siblings could care less! Forget about "friends/clergy/colleagues/distant relatives" They all disappear quickly when this chapter opens.

I sometimes wish I had honored their wishes and not pursued the AL apartment and just let them fall or die in their own home. Seriously, if I could have only come to terms with my own guilt and made peace with THEIR poor choices. I felt compelled to help them but looking back I wish I had "butt out" as my mother so nicely put it. The law says people can do what they want, even if it kills them..so why did I feel like I had "to help?" My advice: Let 'um do what they want and let the chips fall where they may. Good Luck.
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Twotonne, I admire what your parents have done and the example you both have followed. Great example for all. As for my mother, sadly, her personality has not 'changed' except that she has just become meaner. Anyway, my husband and I are great believers in planning, as well as one can without having a crystal ball (!) and also, not making a 'structure', i.e. your home, become more important than it should be. We love our home and bought one that we knew we could well afford and has the features that allow us to live in it for a long time. But if there does come a day when a smaller place or something different for whatever reason becomes more practical, we are not going to die if we have to make a move. We value our time together and each other more than anything else. As long as we are together and have our kids and grandkids to visit or visit us, we are good.
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Well, your Mom has a right to her feelings, and it sounds like you cannot reason with her, so self care is all that you can do. Get the help you need to cope with this situation, as you voiced your frustration, and your health is worthy of self care. So get help for you as the only behavior you can control is your own. Take care, and may you find comfort for your own health, as you cannot let it take you down. It won't be healthy role model for your loved ones to not do self care.
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My brother does get SSI and has an subsidized apartment 20 minutes from my mothers house. He doesn't use drugs. I have talked to social workers and therapists and they say that I can't force mom to do what is best for her. She is worried that my brother will end up homeless if he gets thrown out of his appartment. The appartment is inspected several times a year. And he doesn't keep it clean enought and it's too cluttered. So he gets demerits. Mom has always been protective of him. She is also ridgid. I was told she is going to do what she wants to do and if she doesn't have dementia. I can't do anything.

Ellen
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This is so not right. Ask the social worker at your Mom's hospital, or someone here will have a better answer. Your brother is mentally ill. He can qualify for disability. He only seems to be using her, and if he's into drugs, may be selling her stuff. Something to consider, if you'd like a nostalgic family heirloom someday. Most importantly your Mother's life is shortened by your brother's selfishness. Put the oxygen on yourself first, then call in the forces. This is so not right, and you'll get more help here on this forum. Keeping you in my prayers BarbEllen, Kitty
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I'm going through this situation right now and it is so frustrating. My father died four years ago. My mother is 86 years old and lives in a big house alone. I have a brother that comes to stay at the house several days a week, but he doesn't help mom. He is selfish, and has a personality disorder. Can't keep a job so he doesn't have much money. Mom broke her hip the middle of August. Starting on Sunday she has told her caregiver that she can only pay her for 8:00am to 1:00pm for the month of October and then not at all. My mother is on a walker and really needs to be in assisted living according to her doctor. Mom has enought money in the bank to pay for help for a while full-time. But she feels she has to save as much money as possible for my brother. She has the house in a special deed for my brother. Has to save her money for a trust for him also. He is not a nice person, but she is determened to take care of him. Won't listen to me or anyone. I'm making myself sick worying about her. I also have an anxiey disorder that's gotten worse since all this has happened.

Ellen
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Thank you everyone for the great comments, it helps to feel you're not alone. Took Mom to Dr. on Weds, she refuses the alert button, refuses in home care, unless medicare pays for it. She forgets her meds. I had thyroidectomy yesterday, so asked sibs to help out, hopefully they can/will. Thank you, thank you! We all help each other here. Most people just need a good listening too! Along with a dose of dignity, respect, humor, and common bonds. God Bless, K
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bookworm and Suzy - something we all need to think about as we live longer and technology keeps us alive longer...we will have to live in places where we can get help and assistance; friends/neighbors will die and we need to readjust our mindset -- "I was so blessed to have know so and so and have them in my life no matter how short of time". I don't ever want to be afraid to get close to someone for fear of losing them -- that is my hope as I age.
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My MIL was concerned that she would need assisted living and nursing home care and prearranged everything herself. Four years later she got pancreatic cancer, had surgery, found out she had only months to live and went on a European castle tour and came home to enter a nursing home's hospice unit. Our other parents stayed at home until they had just days to live.
When my husband started having mobility problems due to his dementia, I moved us to a smaller, one-story house with ADA adaptive items throughout--a complete remodel of a 1960s ranch. This included wider doors, railings, roll-in shower, wooden and tile floors, smoke alarms, french doors leading to a small patio outside our bedroom for easy exit in case of fire. This may be an option for those who can afford it.
Without the total remodel, you can still put in safety features like extra handrails on stairs and in hallways, lots of grab bars in showers and tubs, higher commodes and railings for the toilet. The railings and grab bars come in all ranges of colors and finishes to match the current bath faucets or wooden ones can be painted or stained to look like the rest of the trim. I've had people come visit and remark how beautiful my bathroom and shower is, not realizing it is ADA compliant. One shower can be remodeled to a low or no step-in type. Smoke alarms should be installed and connected to the fire department if possible. The "I've fallen and I can't get up" type of monitors are available from some hospitals and/or fire departments so they are notified. And finally, if they will agree, install a video monitor system (nanny-cam) inside their home that connects to your computer. This will make it easier for you to check on them a couple of times a day.
If money is an issue, start with getting rid of throw rugs and install the bathroom rails($15-40 each) and higher toilet (about $150) and smoke alarms ($15-30 each). These can be done for around $300 total.
The point is, they will end their days in their own way and all you can do is address the safety features of their home. Once you do that, you can ease your mind that they are happy and you should be too. They may fall but you have done what you can. As for me, I'm staying put in my ADA house with assistance as long as I want. But only after the European tour and maybe a Caribbean cruise.

Also, Frustrated2, your mother may have dementia or she may have had a TIA in the frontal lobe (emotion, personality and executive decisions). Often one of the first signs of dementia is a personality change. So if she hasn't always been snippy, she just might have it.
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Suzyque, I never thought of that, too! That would depress anyone living there. I mean, you wouldn't want to get too close to people because they will die sooner or later. That's awful...I never thought of that...
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I thought moving into a senior living arrangement would be a great thing for my mom. At first she thought so too. One of the problems was that all of the friends she made kept dying. She would often be depressed when I talked to her. This was one of the aspects I hadn't thought of.
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Kitty, what everyone said is true. I would like to say that for now, it would be best if you start checking your area for programs that your parents’ may eventually require when they do end up requiring help. Just check what is required for Home hospice, or ALF, etc… For now, since they insist on their independence, how about checking out the MedicalAlert? Your parents can wear like a necklace medical alert. If your mom falls, the necklace can send an alert. I live in a small island on the Pacific. We also have a similar program here. I think it’s less than $30 month. I never really paid attention to the commercial but I remembered thinking it was quite cheap.
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I understand that people want to do what they want to do as long as they think they can, but at what cost? The destruction of their own children? Enabling my mother to be "happy" cost me my financial future and thus my own independence and happiness. Did/does/will she ever appreciate it? NO. Now it IS about keeping her safe. And she hates me for it. No win situation for either of us. But she can hate me for it from her apartment as she is now in a low income independent living facility until the time when she will go to skilled nursing, maybe next week, maybe ten years from now. For the first time in years, she has to pay her own way instead of gambling her money away and living off mine. You see, the gambling made her "happy." So did chain smoking, thus her bad health. I have nothing left with which to supplement her "happy." She got it all. And, yes, I will continue to be the dutiful, responsible one, but not financially and not 24/7, and not coming from the manipulative guilt she has imposed upon me since childhood. People, do what you have to do as a responsible adult, but whatever you do, don't allow your seniors to destroy you. Some of them will if you let them. It is the nature of the beast. And plan for your own future so that you don't do to your children what your elderly parents are doing to you.
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Thank you Carol for your answer -- well put and just what I need to ease my guilt. My mom is 89, dementia, early Alz; lives alone, no help. I live long distance and call once a week. Sometimes she's with it; sometimes not. We've been to several drs this summer. They advised "help" for her -- but she refuses and does have lucid moments and although she is getting frailer (doesn't eat right or drink enough) I'm choosing to let her be happy in her own home. She isn't unhappy and tells me that and when we talk about in home help; she refuses and says she'll "know when she needs it". I have come to peace with not forcing her and resigning myself to "what will be will be". I'm at peace with that and know my mom is as well. Not easy to want to "right everything and take control" but I choose to allow her her dignity even in her demented state.
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My mom says she would rather be happy a short time than miserable a long time. I don't feel I have the right to take that choice away from her as long as she is able to make her own decisions. I guess it is one of those things that depends a lot on the situation.
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I'm so sorry you are going thru this. As you can see, it's a common problem. We've gotten so good at keeping people going that we are getting "old" with our parents! I enjoyed reading what frustrated2 had to say and I have also thought that I'm going to try to learn from this and do a better job of preparing for old age.

I just turned 60 and I'm trying to look at all the possessions my husband and I have and where to cut back by selling, donating or just giving away. We also have 3 nice horses that will probably last until we're about ready to move to a smaller place so no need to buy more, especially young ones!

We have a walkout basement and a lot of people have told us to finish it, but there are just the two of us. We don't need more furniture and we'd rather spend the money doing things.

A few years ago we talked my parents into moving to a much smaller place. We couldn't believe all the crap they'd accumulated. They had so much, they couldn't take care of all of it so it deteriorated and was thrown out rather than shared with someone who could have used it!

The other thing I'm learning is to at least try to do a better job of taking care of myself physically and mentally. My husband is a work in progress!
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The popular consensus seems to be that the parents are entitled to make decisions about their lives. I think the writer gets that. But this is a forum for caregivers. The problem is that when people make decisions about their lives, so often they do not consider how it will affect others. Children think that way, too, and they're also thinking that if they mess up, their parents will be there to fix things for them. Here we have the reverse situation where the parent is making choices irrespective of how it will affect the child. Chances are the parent is relying that the child will be there to fix things when they mess up. Unfortunately, my advice is no different. People have legal rights whether or not they're are capable of handling the responsibility of those rights. Even when a bad outcome is perfectly predictable, there's nothing you can do to prevent it. I can only suggest that you enjoy whatever freedom and joy you have NOW. Don't waste precious time waiting for the catastrophe or living in fear of what might happen. When that time comes to aid your parents, take solace in knowing the situation was your mother's choice and you can only do what is within your limitations.
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Yeah, I'm kinda in this boat too. My mom's coming home this week after a week in the hospital and month in a rehab facility. I'm not entirely thrilled about her coming home but, for a change, she's definitely in her "right" mind and knows what she's doing and, I believe, understands the risks.

So...I'm making the house as safe as I can - baby gate at the top of the stairs to the lower level for a few days until I know she can navigate them safely, then I'll leave it up at night. Setting the burglar alarm at night so I'll know when/if she wanders outside again in the middle of the night (I live in the lower level of the house). Keeping the alarm on "chirp" mode during the day so I hear if she goes outside to water her flowers. Putting a multi-unit wireless intercom system in every room so I hear her moving about (and can hear if she does fall and calls for me - she has a lifeline pendent but doesn't remember to push it, it does detect falls automatically, supposedly, but didn't detect her last one).

It's the best I can do. Her PT assistant, who is extraordinarily intense and completely lacking in tact, has told me that I'm completely wrong to do this, that she needs to not come home unless I have live-in help to "watch" her 24/7. Not happening, nor do I think she really needs that. He told me everyone would think I was a "terrible daughter" if I left her alone for a half hour to run to the store and she fell. And that her going out to water her flowers was absolutely taboo and he would write it up in her record that he told me not to allow it, so he'd be off the hook. I was dumbfounded...and asked for another PT to work with her who would be more realistic.

I've made my peace with it - we WILL go visit assisted living in the area so she can see them and make her choice - she claims that "the next time" will be her last and then she'll go into a facility. Not holding my breath, frankly, but whatever. I've done the best I can within the parameters she's setting, and I have to let it go.

Good luck - I know how hard it is, I'm not looking forward to going down this road again where she feels she's got nothing else to do, so sleeps all day. And yet, at the rehab center she's active, engaged in activities, eating well - all the things she won't do at home. But the connection hasn't "clicked" for her...that there's nothing to do at home all day versus being active in the rehab facility. I'm hopeful that it will once she comes home. Not optimistic, but hopeful. And I'm getting very good at disengaging when she becomes difficult, and good at just kind of shrugging my shoulders and saying, well, the situation is what it is. Don't like it, but I do it.
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Whose poor choices, whose disfunction? At their age, they have earned the right to live (and die) as they believe best for them. For them. There's the key. Your peace----as mine did----comes from supporting them with all the capabilities you can muster, with creative ideas, with presence, with honor. There's your peace.
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This hits home for me. I have decided to enter a lifecare community /ccc continuing care community while I can so my adult children know what I want and know I got it. In my own life I watched my sister make "wrong" decisions repeatedly. Today she is in care, only can move one hand (not dominant) and cannot be heard when she speaks. Before that my mom moved far away (FL) to be 'independent' after losing her hearing during treatment for kidney failure during open heart surgery. That was a nightmare trying to help her with 4 children and a job as a single mother. Finally took a leave, left kids with friends, and stayed with her until she died (3 weeks). Then, my big regret, I put my dearest friend in a nursing home rather than leave her w/o care. She had used her savings but did not qualify for public help. She wanted to stay home with her cats and take her chances. I wasn't brave enough to let her. Knew I'd be answering the alarms as I had been doing. Hoped therapy would help her so she could be safe at home. Did not happen. Sat with her while she died in nursing home within the year at 91.
I have always tried to do the best I could but it does not mean I didn't wish it could have been better. And less painful.We may need a more compassionate society for the sick and elderly who need caring more than medical miracles.








she
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Having a daughter who is a trauma ICU nurse, I can tell you three things she sees on a daily basis. Gun shot wounds, car accidents and falls. The falls are very deadly. Sooner or later your parent or both will fall. Hopefully it will not be life threatening. At their age, going into the hospital with a broken bone is, well, not good.

But, having a mother who is hard headed and willful, like yours, you can only do what they will allow. Just be prepared for what is likely to happen. Maybe if you explained to them how deadly falls can be, even for the younger of us, maybe, just maybe, they will think about it. Good luck to you.
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It really is their decision. I know that's hard for you, but maybe you can accept that this is what is right for them right now.
My Mom has CHF - lives on her own out in the country - brothers have worse health (one ALZ) no help there. She is 97 - drives her own car and takes care of 6 acre front yard.
She had a few scares (arthritis - couldn't get out of tub - got out after an hour or so, got turned around going to a new location for Dr. etc.)
Dr. said it she shouldn't live alone. Told her she had choice - come live with me (3000 sq ft house, handicapped equipped due to husbands lack of mobility) or
hire in home help (I know she would hate assisted living so not option). Found personal care agency in her area providing everything from transportation to housekeeping to full out assist.
Surprised and very glad she has chosen to come live with me. Making arrangements to have some of her furniture brought out so she will have familiar things.
Main thing - now that it is "her idea" I know she will be happy. I had to wait a long time for her to make up her mind (husband has been after her for years to move in with us).
As long as parents are competent - not much you can do - just try to accept their decision as being what's best for them.
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As long as they are both happy with their decisions and accept the consequences of them, you really have no choice but to make peace with it. Don't expend a lot of energy now. You'll need it later when one of them dies or becomes too frail for the other to care for. Make some decisions for yourself and your family now (would you let them move in with you, how much are you willing to be involved in their care wherever they wind up living, etc.). I always advise adult children to have a plan in their mind. Share it with mom and dad, whether they agree with it or not. It's better to have a plan to start from than just reacting in the moment when a crisis occurs and decisions have to be made pretty quickly. Be prepared, a crisis is very likely to occur in the situation you describe.
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Very wise words, Carol.
I go through this same dilemma on a daily basis - I want to keep my mother safe, but she resists with a vengeance.
She's 88, in the advanced stages of CHF, and as a result needs to restrict her salt intake - but she's always eating the saltiest foods she can get her hands on. As a result, her leg edema gets so bad that her skin breaks and they become infected, she then has to have the visiting nurses come in to assist.
She still drives, does her own housework, but she is really slowing down. Her big comment when she goes through a period of needing the help of the visiting nurses is that they're trying to "turn me into an invalid".
She has always been stubborn and willful - when I get frustrated with her, I remind myself, she is who she is, she's not going to change just because she's old.
She wants to live at home as long as possible, yet she refuses the help of others, refuses to modify her diet; she's obsessed with not appearing weak.
She complains about everything, and everybody.
When it all gets to be too much, I just walk away.
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I so agree with the idea that safe isn't the same as being happy. My mom was in a nursing home for 6 weeks, lost 2 pounds a week, went into depression and was failing. Brought her home and she ate and was happy. I'd rather she was happy than completely safe. Falls happen in nursing homes too, I found her on a bathroom floor having fallen in the nursing home. I found neighbors and friends are better to have around - they check in frequently and she likes having them as opposed to having someone come in that is a worker. I hope your mom is happy for as many weeks or months as this works for her.
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There are people who will come and determine if it is safe for your parents to be alone. Not saying they will be force to leave there home. They will be able to see what resources are available. Please call your local agency that assist with the aging.
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This is about you making peace with their decision and not having regrets by letting them make these decisions. I suggest assessing the safety of the decision, then where it varies to being unsafe, talk with your parents and voice your concerns. Realize it still may not effect their decision, but in good conscious you have told them your concerns. My mom is 85 and agrees with me when I voice my concerns to her but she continues to go against what we have agreed upon. It is frustrating but she is still captain of her ship and my job as first mate is to help her navigate the waters. Hope this helps!
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