I’m 63 I have 3 grown children and 5 grandchildren. I take care of everyone whenever they need something from money to help with kids. I have no life anymore due to my husband of 39 years and his alcoholism. He’s had liver failure 3 years ago, apparently resolved. He has been working from home since COVID-19 about March 22, 2020 or so. Which enables him to drink 24/7.
He has fallen multiple times, doesn’t bathe but once every 2 weeks or so. He stayed in our basement on his bed couch all day and night. When he had to come up two flights of stairs he’s barely able to hold on without falling. I’ve considered divorce but don’t think I can bear to do that to him at this point. I want to sell our house in Kansas and go back to Florida where we could finally have him retire. He works still receives a nice social security benefit monthly. So financially we are ok. I am taking prescription Xanax and clonopin for anxiety and sleep and also Paxil 37.5 but I’m not able to sustain my weight at a healthy level I have lost 30 lbs in a year I am 5’2” and just weighed at my pcp at 88. Doctor is concerned it’s depression and anxiety over this situation with my husband. Also, my oldest son (former addict) lives with us but creates havoc here with his former addict friends. I also allowed a friend to stay here while she finds a place to stay and it’s created a lot of anxiety for me because she is not a tidy person and her two dogs and cat are also here. I had talk therapy many times and I can’t get a grip on my life and my own goals with the husband issue.
You need to get some help for yourself, whether that's Al-Anon, or some other type of therapy/counseling. And really a divorce shouldn't be out of the question either. You can't change your husband. You can only change yourself, and if you really want it bad enough you will do whatever it takes. Will it be hard? Of course it will. Change usually is. But the rewards will far outweigh any bad.
Your family will have to learn to stand on their own 2 feet, and not be so dependent on you, if you really want to have a stress less life. You obviously get something out of feeling needed, that you allow all these people to take advantage of you. There's only one Savior, and it's not you. His name is Jesus. Quit trying to save everyone else and try saving yourself. You're worth it.
What work does your husband do?
Liver failure doesn't usually resolve itself, or not in a good way anyway. What has gone on between his health crisis three years ago and the situation as it is now?
You take prescription drugs. He drinks, and hides at work down in the basement. While I fully agree - could not agree more strongly - that "there is no situation, however bad, that cannot be made worse by alcohol" I suspect that the real problem is a complete absence of control exercised by the TWO of you over what use is made of your home, your resources, yourselves.
Perhaps you and your husband need to make a new agreement about how you will protect one another?
Do you stay with out of love, guilt, or financial reasons?
You remind me of a dear friend who's DH is also an alcoholic of 50+ years. He just retired, she is still working (at age 75!!) just to get out of the house. She also takes in her kids and grandkids all the time and the stress this woman endures!
One day, after listening to her talk about the same exact thing she's been on about for 42 years, I said "Linda, why are you STAYING? You are absolutely miserable and your family is not there for you...except for her oldest daughter who would take her in in a hot second". She looked at me like I was crazy. "I can't LEAVE, who would take care of everybody?"
She honestly had NEVER thought about leaving. I gave up even trying to talk to her. She's on FB every day complaining about her life, her family, her rotten kids--and most of us just kind of sigh and send her a little virtual hug. She doesn't WANT to be better. Her hubby is a waste of time and space. (He has hit her, many times--so it's more than just emotional abuse).
Until YOU pack up and walk, nothing will change. Your alcoholic hubby will not change, there's no impetus to do so. He KNOWS you won't leave.
I'd suggest Al-Anon and hopefully some counseling, w/o DH at this point.
BTW, your dr is spot on. Stress these days is the 'normal' dynamic. We're all a mess. Having a hard family life makes it much worse.
I'm learning to say no and to take care of myself. Ok, DH has had to figure out to run the washer and vacuum, but it hasn't killed him.
Don't mean to sound uncaring--but your DH is ruining your life and you're worried that a divorce would be something you couldn't bear to do to HIM.
Yet he abuses you like there's no tomorrow.
My heart breaks for you, but only you can change this.
Come back--others will have more specific and better ideas than I do.
((Hugs)) b/c you NEED them!