My husband and I are in our 40’s and we have 4 children. All are under 18 and the youngest 2 are Autistic. Now my husband has dropped the bomb on me that he wants his 75 year old mother to move in with us next month and he wants me to “help” him take care of her. He has already converted his office to a room for her even after I told him that I cant do this. My mother law and I get along fine but I would prefer if she stayed in her own home or went to an assisted living because Im caring for disabled children already and he frequently travels for work and im a stay at home mom. 2 of our children are completely non verbal and 1 is still in diapers because of the severity of his condition. It’s a lot. My husband clearly doesn’t care if it’s already overwhelming for me. He’s an only child and his mom never married and he said he feels obligated to take her in because she doesn’t have anybody else and she’s struggling financially. His mom is 300lbs and can barely walk. He said he is going to hire home health for her and it’s going to be ok but I still do not want this extra responsibility. I already have my hands full. He said I’m being unreasonable about this. It’s his mom and if he doesn’t want her in a facility, she’s not going. I just feel like this is very selfish of him to put this on me.
Have you seen this post? Your husband should read it, too.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/im-so-stressed-out-with-my-mother-in-law-living-with-us-i-dont-know-how-i-should-handle-this-anymore-468687.htm?orderby=recent
Your husband will need to do everything that his mom needs as long as she’s there. That might encourage him to cut the visit short.
Yes, yes, yes!
I can hear the power in your voice. You own the house and you allow who comes and who stays. You are the mother and you raise your kids your way.
While MIL was a visitor, she acted like she was the queen of the house by inviting her guests over, opening your mail, ignoring your rules about unhealthy food for your kids, putting your dog outside, etc.
Imagine if she was a permanent resident of your house, what else would she do? Everything she has done and worse. She would get into everything you, your husband and your kids do, she would try to run your lives, would try to get rid of the dog. Everyone would have to live under her rules. You and your husband would have no privacy, and would argue constantly over her, until you get so fed up and decide you would not want to live like this anymore. Shuder, shuder...
I am glad your husband agreed to take his mom home. Hope he'll remember how awful those 2 weeks were and not to repeat them again.
Here’s an angle that may work using these relatives to your advantage.
When you talk to them, tell them how difficult the last visit was. Tell them how unhappy you were that MIL did this and that, inviting her friends, feeding unhealthy food to your kids, abusing the dog, etc. They will think you’re a bad DIL, but that’s a good thing. Wear that “bad DIL” badge proudly. Spread your reputation as a difficult DIL no MIL can live with peacefully. That will give them some things to gossip about which will sure get to MIL’s ears. And that’s a good thing too because it will discourage her from thinking that your house is a nice home to move into.
On another angle, occasionally remind your husband of the last MIL visit and how you don’t ever want a repeat of that.
Talk to each other, understand his closeness to her but remember that you both have 4 others to worry about. If you have to have counseling to talk about it that may be a good start.
You are doing the right thing to not have her move in, It may seem like the right thing but with what her ailments are she will at some point maybe soon, need professional assistance.
Keep your home for you, trust me, I know!
What time is she going home tomorrow? Don't wait too long or else she will want to stay a 'few' more days which might turn into weeks...
Perhaps, take her out to breakfast, after that drop her off at her house before noon. It might be easier to get her out of your house to eat than get her out to go home.
MIL may indeed become quite addicted (& quickly!) to being waited on. Some people confuse servitude with love..
My relative seems to lose all ability when entering someone's else's home. Expects to be waited on. Almost like a baby trying out it's powers of making Momma jump when it cries... Even wants help in bathroom.. which is why I no longer assist.
Do not let that visit blowout. Drop MIL home asap.
I am curious as to your husband's attitude to his mom moving in. Is he still thinking it's a good idea?