I find myself getting angry with my mother for not being able to control her bladder and bowel. Any advice?

Yes it can be distressing for everyone. My mother had the same problem. I took her to a different doctor who prescribed her a medication to be able to control her bowels. She is back to wearing normal underwear instead on nappies.

My heart goes out to you. My precious Mama passed just before Christmas and I cared for her completely over four years prior. Mama was 91and had dementia and early onset alz so she surely could not help losing control over bodily functions. She was totally bedfast. To say it was difficult is putting it mildly.

I must admit that i had moments of losing it. I knew she couldn't help it. I knew none of it was her fault, but i remember how tired i got, and also how i had a lot of times when i just got fed up. I am still grieving so it has a lot to do with my current mindset but i still feel so much guilt because i lost it..a LOT ....out of frustration, or of exhaustion, but i think more than anything out of anger of knowing she was not going to get any better. I would not wish her back to be bedfast..i know that would be wrong of me, but the tremendous loss of her continues to bring up all these feelings of guilt because i was yelling...not at her just the situation. I don't know what I'm trying to say other than i understand and i think it's perfectly normal to feel anger. When i got tired, i got angry, when the smell or the mess became awful, i got angry..i think I'm seeing now i want angry at all, just to much reality of knowing i couldn't fix any of it...all i could do was hold on and cherish the moments as best as i could in between. Hugs to you...and understanding.

I do agree that once Mama became bedfast, the depends didn't work anymore. Mama was not a large lady but i used the large diaper type pants....they definitely helped retain the mess a LOT better. I just saw someone mention the feeling that they did it on purpose. Omg...that same thing crossed my mind..and drive me crazy. I missed my grief counseling this week and really needed it but knowing i was not, am not alone in that feeling helps a lot. I know i tried...really hard..by myself for a very long time...but i still have so many emotions about this. God bless you.

Thank you each and every one of you! Ive now got a housekeeper once a week, and for now Medicare is covering a nurse, bather, and physical therapist twice a week. It could be better, it could be worse! I do know that Mom appreciates me...both of her parents were alcoholic and she had to take care of them. She and my dad divorced when I was in first grade, so I have in a way been the one who has always cared for her. I'm trying to get her up and out more, the information about Depends and go bags was so helpful! If I can rehome our two dogs, i think I can make it! With Gods grace! One question, is there something I can add to the laundry to remove the smell of urine? I cant seem to wash it out and i have a very sensitive sense of smell. Seriously, y'all rock! Much love, thankfulness and blessings!

Here is a good thread about urine odors:
www.agingcare.com/questions/remove-urine-smell-sheets-clothing-163526.htm

Monkeydoo...I have two products that help. One is by Clorox ind it is Urine Remover for stains and odors. It works on hard surfaces as well as fabric.
The other one I have is OdoBan it does not mask odors but eliminates them and also ..according to the bottle kills 99.99% of germs..does not say what germs...
I have had good luck with both.
I have found that almost nothing gets rid of the discoloration in cotton material when you have a combination of barrier ointment like A&D and urine. The clothes and bed sheets become stained.
I do not have the same staining problem with the fleece type of material. So hubby went to almost all fleece pull on pants. Easy to wash, quick to dry and they don't get soaking wet as a lot of the moisture can be wiped off.

I also use the Clorox urine product. I wish I had known of it years ago but just discovered it recently. My usual grocery store doesn't carry it - found it at Walmart. I have stone tile on the floor in my bathroom - not my choice as it was in place when we bought the house - anyhoo, it soaks up the urine like a sponge and holds the stain and the smell. This is the first product I've found that treats both. Like I mentioned earlier - I've been changing diapers for 23 years so if a product is Rainmom Endorsed, you can bet it works!

Thank you!

Monkeydoo: I just thought of something after my mother had died that people had said worked for them on this forum. Some people put Vicks vapor rub under there nose. They have said it works quite well to mask the odors.I wish I had known about it when I was living with my late mother! Sorry that I didn't think of it sooner for you!

Thanks, that's a good idea for grandbabies diapers, too!

Monkeydoo: You're very welcome!

There's a scene in Silence of the Lambs were the FBI agents are preparing to examine the body of a murder victim that had spent some time weighted down in a river - they all swipe Vicks under their nose.

I do the same especially when she can use profanity towards me and pushes me down whenever I try to help her go to the bathroom or change or assist when she's completely soiled in both, yet she can't tell me she has to go whenever I try to put her on a schedule she refuses to go and for me to leave her alone she's not bothering me. I try to remember that its the disease and go walk my dog. I also have a spouse that is a paraplegic. I try to take as many breaks as I can. I tried to get help with her but most of the attendants Ive had did very little and I ended up doing the majority of the work. I say respite as often as you can and seek attendant care you may have better responses

Thanks! The more I read here, I realize how good I've got it! My mother is not mean verbally or physically. I need to count my blessings! Btw, the baking soda and vinegar in the laundry helped. God bless!

As a nurse for 37 years, if there's one thing I've had plenty of experience in is changing incontinent patients. It's great that we have such good incontinence products now. I suggest you check with a medical supply store for their selection.

How many times have I walked out of a freshly cleaned patient's room to walk back in 10 minutes later (for another reason) to find the whole bed and patient needing to be changed again. Aaaaagggggh! Time to tear your hair out! The difference is I got to go home after 8 hours and I was paid to do that job. You are there out of the goodness of your heart (or sometimes responsibility, financial concerns or guilt).

Please don't feel guilty about not wanting to clean an adult of their urine and feces. Really, not everyone is cut out for that. A heightened sense of smell can make one especially sensitive to doing the job or just a general distain for touching excrement itself can get the gag reflex going.

Your feelings may not have much to do with the poop but the 'time' it takes to complete the task, while other things wait. It may be the 'amount' of times per day that you have to repeat this task (any unpleasant task is magnified when having to do it multiple times per day.) It may be that roles have reversed and now you are being the caregiver to the woman who was your caregiver (many years ago) and it's "weird". Possibly you are mad at being in this situation and the "poop" issue sizes up your feelings about the whole arrangement. It's also hard to realize the this situation won't get better, leaving you feeling hopeless. Whatever the reason, it's not a pleasant job but one that needs to be done.

I believe I read that you didn't want your mom put in a facility, so try to use the suggestions above to make your work load lighter. At some point, offering to assist in elimination doesn't work because the sphincter muscles can't hold back anything. Try to give the majority of drinking liquids in the early and late morning and early afternoon, so when she awakens, her wet diaper doesn't weigh 10 lbs.! Have the heavy meals at breakfast and lunch and a light dinner, so she doesn't wake up soiled with stool. Use a skin barrier (A and D ointment, Desitin cream or any other ointment barrier) front and back to protect the skin from "burning" from the ammonia in urine and/or the acids in stool. Buy a few washable bed pads and use the disposable ones on top. I agree with the other posters, the "tab" fold-over diapers work much better with bedridden patients. You can add a diaper "liner" inside the diaper to further absorb the urine.

Possibly you could 'lighten up' the cleaning time with telling jokes or talking about something that brings you both pleasure (gardening, knitting, painting, etc.) Or put in a set of ear buds from your IPod and 'rock out' as you clean your mom. Maybe you could "reward" yourself after every diaper change with a small candy or listen to a favorite song or give yourself a foot massage, so you have something to look forward to after your cleaning session. Check out stress reduction and relaxation techniques on the internet. Chant a mantra with incense burning as you baby wipe your way to cleanliness.

These are bittersweet moments that neither of you wish were happening. I'm sorry for you both, as none of us wants it to get to this.

I am in the same boat as you. Never in a million years did I ever think when I agreed to be my mom's CG did I see this.She has heart problems, is a diabetic, and now her liver is almost non-functioning, hence the Lactulose she is on. It makes her incontinent, and the physical and mental toll it is taking on her, as well as myself can be over-whelming at times. Yes, there are times I lose my cool, if I didn't I'd wonder about my stability. Yes, I'm also going to see someone to 'talk to' regarding this and other things regarding her. Mom is a narcissist, and is becoming more and more controlling. I've also caught her slamming me to the other siblings regarding me. There are times I feel like jumping off the local bridge, but I won't. This is the hardest job anyone can take on, so, cut yourself some slack, there will be life for you at the end of all this. Take care and keep your chin up, you are doing the best you can.

Monkeydoo. Sounds like not only do you need help you need a vent break. Persons afflicted by their special caretakimng needs suffer from not being able to do forthemselves..Having to have a guiltly consince because they can't control their disease and disorder symptoms is depressing.
Don't know what stage your parent is but, this is a reaction hopefully of being overwelmed.
As a nurse I smiled when I was
overwelmed by nausea And excused myself Out of hearing rangee to retch. I have a strong stomach. know the smell ofdeath And dead left rotted.
To me it sounds like you need a vent outlet.. Hospice is a gift for this and their bereivement counseling. Hospice is not only for the dying. I belive you would feel much better if consulted counseling group. Since you joined this group and seem open to venting in a productive manner. Might be worth it.
I got over the sighs and smells a little vics menthal under one's nose tip.
I take a breath and I mean it, smile at eye contat and say, I love you thats why I do this for you because I love you.

Hindsight101 - " Mom is a narcissist, and is becoming more and more controlling. I've also caught her slamming me to the other siblings regarding me."

What are the other siblings doing to help out? Maybe it's time for them to pitch in? Maybe one (or more) of them can take over your mother's caregiving?

contd. when I want to say '#%$********++-------###instead. sounds easy but can be hard to do.
As for the toileting at meal time. I put my kids on a porta poty.And not at resturant its you two I presume. Dining in a potty AT MEAL TIME SAVES EFFORT nerves , time incontinent supplies, peace of mind, irritation at having to undress, backwards snap dresses long as it reduces stress who cares. What they make nil odor for.
The urge to eliminate at the sight of food means she has good peristalsis. evacuatoion is normal in the animal kindomn.We just supress it.
Try starting out with an appetizer since you know sight of food will cause evacuation. Then when stomach inately ready to take on more food The Meal. Does she have any forewarning left? Can try frequetent toileting if notice a pattern. My husband sat on toilet seat bed pan contraption homemade because to much effort even passive caused sob apnea. Just trying to help. I pulled weeds to vent. Lived rural. In city easier to verbally vent possibly alzhier caregiver group you can find.
sorry hate this phone it types what it wants and will not let me correct. Last word is nothing it is letters wont let me get rid of. Bless you.eooe

PS Before I had my kids was last hot meal.VBG. Perfer salads anyway. Drank cold coffee before it was fashionable.Tea was easier just put ice in it to make it colder.Before I started using the cubano for my arthritis and tendinitis.lol.l

The Vicks vapor has to be a Godsend!

I jyst came home from being at the ER all day. I'm running a fever, my entire lymph node system in my neck is swollen to twice its normal size, haven't slept in days, have an excruciating migraine. Had a spinal tap, CT scan and they don't know what is wrong. I cried all day. I came home, fed mom and BEGGED her to leave me alone. Of course she didn't and my son ripped into me and I had a screaming hysterical fit. Thank God a good friend called me at just the right moment and talked me down. I'm obviously losing it! Whoever you are, wherever you are, please pray for me. Thank you.

Monkeydoo: They sent you home? GOOD GOD! What if you have meingitis-viral or bacterial?

I know, I told him my situation and after 9 hours, they sent me home!

Sometimes home is better than ER. You can catch stuff there that will kill you.
Sorry you are going through. Hope you feel better soon. Praying for peace in the midst of your storm and healing in your body, in Jesus' name.
By His Stripes we are healed!