Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Living with my elderly parent has taken its toll on me. I have become a very angry person because of it. Talk therapy does not work for me. I tried prozac and it didn't help either.
I would ask a psychiatrist regarding this matter: All medications, along with people are different: what may work for someone else, may not work for others. You may have to go through numerous medications before you find the right one. I have been on medication since I was 21, I have been there and done that. I have been on my current meds since I was 24, the Psychiatrist has had to increase the dosage a few times. So far, it's been working well for me.
I also agree with the others on here: You need to take control of the situation and place the relative in a assisted living or nursing home situation. That will help with the burnout and anxiety.
If you absolutely hate caring for your parent, have you considered nursing home placement? You really are better off doing that.
Believe me you are living the "good old days" because they are only going to get worse. Just wait until they get bedridden and you have to put them on a strict bowel schedule, and changing their diapers multiple times daily. After a bowel movement they will even put their hands in it and smear it all over the place. The stool also get into their vagina so that has to be cleaned out very well or they will get an infection UTI. Try doing that to your own parent. Nobody else is going to do it and even if you hire a CNA they won't do a good job cleaning her. UTIs can be very nasty and a very common cause of infections and death.
Personally I wouldn't be looking for meds but a change in diet...i know sounds crazy but it really works. Google beating stress anxiety & burnout by eating right foods....its changed my life & much quicker than waiting for meds to kick in. Good luck! X
I should have mentioned- I lost a great deal of weight in 2013, and have maintained, but my over all eating plan has become more careless than is good for me.
For the last 4 days, I have eaten squeaky clean, and it amazes me how much better I feel. I also need to be FIERCE about my posture. Although my weight has stayed the same, I have developed a nasty case of the dread “STRESS GUT”. My poor belly resembles Santa’s, and I can’t wait for it to be gone.
I trust that as I keep at it, I can get rid of it.
My fond thoughts to all of us who face caregiver’s life with each step we take.
I have had good results with Buspar, and anti anxiety drug. My doctor had me split the dosage to morning and evening. It made all the difference and I began feeling better within just a couple of days.
I was given Buspar many years ago; and it made me feel like a zombie, expressionless..... medications are very personalized and may work for one and not another. Unfortunately, it truly is a trial and error. But I hope the OP does not give up on trying another medication to help alleviate her moods.
BUT, I totally agree that a medication is not "the answer", and it may be that she needs to change things around by placing her parent in a facility and "being there" for herself first now. It truly is a huge burden being a caregiver and no medication will fix that.
Hi HannaLee, i wish there was a silver bullet for caregiver burnout but unfortunately there's nothing but pills for depression and anxiety. The burnout is real and if you keep going ignoring what you need to do to help yourself, you could end up like me. I was in the mental behavioral unit of my local hospital for 7 days. At least the therapists there offered resources for the caregiver like attending a caregiver support group, resources for relieving stress through exercise and meditation. The psych doc tried different medications on me while i was there. It's not a good place to be for they will not allow you to go home until they believe you are stabilized. I did find when i got home, i took more short breaks and would go outside and walk for 10 minutes or more. Sometimes even the smallest change can make a big difference in how you see things. I now attend an Emotions Anonymous support group for those of us living with unsolved circumstances and following a 12 step recovery program which helps rewire your thinking from negative thoughts to more positive and hopeful thoughts. It's nice because you have others there to support you. Aside from all of the above i hired a caregiver to relieve me 1 or 2 days a week so i can participate in these outside activities. I've also have found it helpful to just get my mother out of the house during the week. I take her in her night gown boots and a jacket for cooler weather and drive around town for a couple of hours. We stop and i get out and buy her icecream at a local farmer's market. If you have a hobby, you can relieve tension by.doing whatever it is you enjoy while your LO is napping or watching tv. These are some of the tools I've used over the years and have found them to all be helpful for staving off the blues. Good luck to you.
I hope you come back and give some more details. That way you will get better answers to help you figure out what to do. For example, do you live in your mother's home or does she live in your home? (maybe it's your dad, not sure)
My mom lives next door to me and I can barely take it. Under NO circumstances will I ever move her IN with me. I don't even want her next door anymore. I completely understand your anger. It's like your entire life gets hijacked. This is not sustainable long term, imo. Look ahead as to how you will END this situation in the best possible way for yourself and your mother. Her elder care is NOT your responsibility no matter how badly you were brainwashed into thinking it was your responsibility.
I tried counseling and anti-depressants too. It doesn't change the situation. My counselor once asked me: "Do you have anyone that you trust that will tell you when enough is enough?" She was talking about my health and well being. I'm trying to drive home the fact that you are NOT responsible for your mother's elder care, you need to take care of yourself, and when you are angry all the time, depressed, trying everything you can to just survive it's time to look ahead and change things.
To answer your original question. No, there are no good long term meds to make these feelings go away. Not in my experience anyway. A Xanax or glass of wine will help when your about to crack but that's not a long term solution.
I hope you come back. I know how bad this sucks and you are not alone. You will get good advice here, and hopefully figure out a plan of change.
I like your answer. I realize we can’t make our elderly parents’ life for them. But we owe them some care & consideration that does NOT interfere with our lives, which must come first.AND it must be shared by all siblings OR other relatives and professionals. It should never be s burden for one person to bear! Love yes, enslavement no!!
HanaLee (nice name!), I have popped pills for decades, and I don’t think they make one for burnout. The only things I can think of would just gork you out, and that not only isn’t safe, it can be ferociously addictive in a short time. A sedative may work in the short term but after a while you need more for the same effect, and it really doesn’t teach you the coping skills that help you deal with “bad feelings.”
Not all therapists will click with you. Most of mine were meh, but occasionally there was a gem. You may want to check out therapists who use mindfulness therapy and/or cognitive-behavioral therapy. Those seem to work well for managing feelings that seem to be overwhelming at times.
I take Abilify, but as an adjunct to Lexapro, an antidepressant I’ve taken for years. The combo works well for me and I really don’t know what people was being prescribed now. Depression is pretty unique to the person; I have depressed close relatives who can’t tolerate Lexapro, but they find relief from something that didn't work for me. We’re all unique in some ways.
You’re smart to be concerned by the change in your mood.
TL;DR While the right therapist might help you better handle the things that make you angry, you do likely need a break from the caretaker role. You’re only human.
HanaLee - The only medication for burn out in your case is time away from your mother. You need to either move out or have regular breaks from her. You have to cut way back on the amount of time you spend with your mom or else you will reach a dangerous point mentally.
Do you work outside the home? Are there other family members who can step in for you? Can your mother afford a caregiver?
My Alzheimer's mother lived with me for two years, and I was close to going off a cliff. Finally, I moved her out. Now, I see her a few hours a day and some days that is too much. I know what you mean about becoming an angry person. That was me back then and I still lose it with her sometimes even now.
I didn’t visit my husband every day in rehab because I ended up getting angry at his apparent attitude of non-compliance re: diet/walking/etc. I started thinking “what am I doing here? I’m not helping.”
A few breaks helped me realize that I have no control over what my husband chooses to do, and things have been a lot smoother. I give him his meds, assist him with things he needs assistance with. Other than that, it’s not in my hands.
I believe there are some things that medicine cannot fix, such as care giver burnout. Maybe Xanax for occasional anxiety could help, but that is just a temporary answer, as I'm sure you know.
Sometimes the only way to remedy such a situation is to find other living arrangements for your mother, such as Assisted Living. In the meantime, are you taking enough time for yourself? Perhaps getting your mom into respite for a week so you can take a vacation would help. Can you sign yourself up for yoga classes or other relaxing activities like meditation could help you with the inner turmoil and anger you're feeling. I will tell you, I could NEVER live in the same house with my mother, under ANY circumstances, it would just be too much for me to handle. If you've reached that point, it's okay to cry uncle and say ENOUGH.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I also agree with the others on here: You need to take control of the situation and place the relative in a assisted living or nursing home situation. That will help with the burnout and anxiety.
Best wishes and good luck to you.
Believe me you are living the "good old days" because they are only going to get worse. Just wait until they get bedridden and you have to put them on a strict bowel schedule, and changing their diapers multiple times daily. After a bowel movement they will even put their hands in it and smear it all over the place. The stool also get into their vagina so that has to be cleaned out very well or they will get an infection UTI. Try doing that to your own parent. Nobody else is going to do it and even if you hire a CNA they won't do a good job cleaning her. UTIs can be very nasty and a very common cause of infections and death.
This is only the tip of the iceberg.
For the last 4 days, I have eaten squeaky clean, and it amazes me how much better I feel. I also need to be FIERCE about my posture. Although my weight has stayed the same, I have developed a nasty case of the dread “STRESS GUT”. My poor belly resembles Santa’s, and I can’t wait for it to be gone.
I trust that as I keep at it, I can get rid of it.
My fond thoughts to all of us who face caregiver’s life with each step we take.
BUT, I totally agree that a medication is not "the answer", and it may be that she needs to change things around by placing her parent in a facility and "being there" for herself first now. It truly is a huge burden being a caregiver and no medication will fix that.
DON'T TAKE BENZOS!
THEY ARE TO ADDICTIVE.
Benzos & alcohol are a big no no!
You'll get a DUI.
My mom lives next door to me and I can barely take it. Under NO circumstances will I ever move her IN with me. I don't even want her next door anymore. I completely understand your anger. It's like your entire life gets hijacked. This is not sustainable long term, imo. Look ahead as to how you will END this situation in the best possible way for yourself and your mother. Her elder care is NOT your responsibility no matter how badly you were brainwashed into thinking it was your responsibility.
I tried counseling and anti-depressants too. It doesn't change the situation. My counselor once asked me: "Do you have anyone that you trust that will tell you when enough is enough?" She was talking about my health and well being. I'm trying to drive home the fact that you are NOT responsible for your mother's elder care, you need to take care of yourself, and when you are angry all the time, depressed, trying everything you can to just survive it's time to look ahead and change things.
To answer your original question. No, there are no good long term meds to make these feelings go away. Not in my experience anyway. A Xanax or glass of wine will help when your about to crack but that's not a long term solution.
I hope you come back. I know how bad this sucks and you are not alone. You will get good advice here, and hopefully figure out a plan of change.
Love yes, enslavement no!!
Not all therapists will click with you. Most of mine were meh, but occasionally there was a gem. You may want to check out therapists who use mindfulness therapy and/or cognitive-behavioral therapy. Those seem to work well for managing feelings that seem to be overwhelming at times.
I take Abilify, but as an adjunct to Lexapro, an antidepressant I’ve taken for years. The combo works well for me and I really don’t know what people was being prescribed now. Depression is pretty unique to the person; I have depressed close relatives who can’t tolerate Lexapro, but they find relief from something that didn't work for me. We’re all unique in some ways.
You’re smart to be concerned by the change in your mood.
TL;DR While the right therapist might help you better handle the things that make you angry, you do likely need a break from the caretaker role. You’re only human.
Do you work outside the home? Are there other family members who can step in for you? Can your mother afford a caregiver?
My Alzheimer's mother lived with me for two years, and I was close to going off a cliff. Finally, I moved her out. Now, I see her a few hours a day and some days that is too much. I know what you mean about becoming an angry person. That was me back then and I still lose it with her sometimes even now.
A few breaks helped me realize that I have no control over what my husband chooses to do, and things have been a lot smoother. I give him his meds, assist him with things he needs assistance with. Other than that, it’s not in my hands.
Sounds like so many others you in a burnout situation, don't give up you for them..there are other options.
Sometimes the only way to remedy such a situation is to find other living arrangements for your mother, such as Assisted Living. In the meantime, are you taking enough time for yourself? Perhaps getting your mom into respite for a week so you can take a vacation would help. Can you sign yourself up for yoga classes or other relaxing activities like meditation could help you with the inner turmoil and anger you're feeling. I will tell you, I could NEVER live in the same house with my mother, under ANY circumstances, it would just be too much for me to handle. If you've reached that point, it's okay to cry uncle and say ENOUGH.
Best of luck!