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I think my father is speaking negatively about me to other people. He is in the NH right now for physical therapy. I believe he has told others that I put him there and that he had no help when he was home which is a complete lie. Recently I saw one of his close friends and her attitude was different with me and this is not the first time. I think he has done this with his family as well. He has people feeling sorry for him. This is hurtful to me that he would do this but it is so obvious. I know I should not worry about what others think but why would a parent do this? Actually, this has been occurring since I was a child. Whenever we had company over, when I was little, he enjoyed talking about me to others in a negative way.

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I think the "too sensitive" remark is the standard reply of the bully. Also the narcissist.

"You're too sensitive" = "Your feelings don't mean squat to me. How I feel is the right way. And belittling YOU makes ME feel good."

He says you're not doing anything for him? I'd fulfill that. I'd stop doing ANYTHING for him. You'd be doing him a favor by saving him from becoming a liar.

Also note, folks who are mean to folks they feel are obligated to serve them (wives, children) are often quite charming to others. Another trait of the narcissist.
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Yes , Yes, Yes common . Basically they are complaining about the changes that their age and failing health cause . Instead of complaining they are old or ill they blame the person who helps them but who can’t turn back time for them and make things the way they were. I ran into a friend of my mother at the grocery store , who told me I should pay more attention to my mother . I told the woman I was in the grocery store doing my mother’s shopping . Then the woman shut up .

My mother did this as well as criticized me to my face. I finally got fed up with the face to face berating I got and told her “ I didn’t make you old “.
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faithfulbeauty Nov 27, 2023
Love your answer to the lady! :)
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Hello, I was so pleased to see this situation and all the replies. It is exactly what I am going thru with my 94 year old mom. She spews negative sayings about and to me. I am the bad daughter, I made her move to AL after dad passed (4 yrs ago), I am POA and co-Trustee on the Trust (thank you dad, you were always wiser than she) yet I took her money (no I invest and manage it wisely for her so she can live comfortably in good homes), and is so negative and narcissistic to my sister and I. I have called her out on numerous occasions yet she lies and denies things. I have seen how other residents look at me so I know she has said all bad things about me to them.
Thanksgiving at my home was the tip of the iceberg, as within 10 minutes of her arrival she showed her true colors by telling my family and grandsons how I took her house away from her, placed her into a (high end) AL facility, and took her money. My husband told her that he’d put her butt back into the car and take her home if she didn’t stop talking about his wife like that! Lastly, when I took her to a medical appt, she spurted out that she would forever haunt me and hoped I’d end up like her.
She causes me angst and I have come to despise her. I do not pick up the phone on every call, nor do I go see her unless she has an appt. I have a very supportive spouse and sister but we are so tired of her behavior, narcissistic attitude, and the fact she has created a toxic environment in our lives, and in the care home she is at. Next step is a mental health evaluation for her and adjusting her meds as what she’s taking isn’t working. And if that doesn’t work, she will be asked to move from her current care home.
I will also be talking with my doctor for guidance, I need to take care of ME!
I wish you the best, please know that you are not alone in this journey. This blog has been forever helpful to me in realizing I’m not the only one going thru hell with my parent. Hugs
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AubJilly Dec 2, 2023
I’m so sorry, Gabby2022… I so fully understand what you’re going through. Almost a mirror image going on in our lives, your choice of my go-to word “toxic” made me reply.
A year ago we moved cross country to be closer to my son’s family who had offered help. Sold two family homes and bought one that we could share - so we would be available to help parents. Partner is ret RN, and our being readily available seemed a kind solution to ease them through the twilight of their lives (86 & 88yo) in a kind and gentle manner.
Dad had been diagnosed w MCI about 5 years ago, he was a brilliant engineer with a gift for conversation and a lifetime of always putting others first. But as he declined we began to see that mom wasn’t helping him (denial of his condition). Our move made her condition surface, and after a long wait to be seen by a neurologist, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Not too sure where she is on the timeline of decline - but - she refuses to accept diagnosis.

this last week we finally made the decision to move them both to a memory unit - as he is req more care than we are able to provide and she is always overwhelmed, threatening suicide.
My heart aches, and it all just seems so cruel… but I’m not the first to face this and we will get through it.

I have on occasion told her that while she says hateful things, she forgets them quickly - but they echo in our minds… so no - the day after a verbal attack, we don’t feel we want to be your close friend. I have not learned that ability to provide unconditional love to her when I see how poorly she treats her husband of 67 years.

I have recently petitioned for guardianship, and hear her tell my father “look what she’s done to us.” I calmly tell her I didn’t do it TO you, I did it FOR you. I am accused of stealing all their money and I say I am the steward over their money and am here to make sure they have what they need and are safe. Caring for my parents has truly been the hardest job I could’ve ever imagined… and having one who verbally disparages me to everyone she can just makes it more difficult.

“no good deed goes unpunished”
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I'm sorry, it’s really not funny, but I had to snicker a little bit when I read this. This is my mother‘s entertainment. She loves to complain about her children to each other. I don’t know how my other siblings react, but I don’t take her crap, so, I tell her that she’s wrong. She’s said things that hurt me to the core since I was a very little kid, so I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her. I talk to her in very shallow terms, never anything deep in anyway. She doesn’t even know how to have a normal conversation anyway. everything is all about her, and has been for as long as I’ve known her. If we tell her something nice, this happened to us, she’ll immediately say something off-the-wall negative. If you have, let’s say, a gullible family, it’s hard. Your parent is a jerk. Many people have parents who are jerks. It’s probably healthy just to be on this website and vent a bit every now and then. People here are mostly very supportive of each other.
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BurntCaregiver Nov 28, 2023
@Matty

Wow. It sounds like your mother and mine could be sisters. Too true many of us have parents who are just jerks.
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All the time. Now it’s comical because, when she has no idea who I am (dementia) she complains to me about myself. Why is she is angry with me this time? Because I’m getting married in July 2024. My husband and I, and our children, are all curious to find out who I’m marrying. Prior to that she raged that I was trying to have her assassinated.

I was always too sensitive as well, always misunderstood her, and never did enough for her. I’ve never been good enough for her and, frankly, I’m much happier now that I’ve stopped trying.
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I think it is incredibly common. It probably happens much more often than elderly parents talking to others about all the help their caregiving family gives them. My father-in-law had some family members (only those who never visited, never took care of him, never even spoke to any of his doctors) convinced that he was perfectly fine and that we were "sponging" off of him. We left our retirement to care full time for him, when his doctor said he could no longer live alone, so that he could continue to live in the house and neighborhood he loved and was familiar with as long as possible. We didn't expect anything in return, but we never expected to be resented and bad-mouthed because we represented what he truly hated: being unable to care for himself. We cared for my father for the last 3 and a half years of his life (when we had newborn children) until his health was so bad that he was in a nursing home for the last few months of his life. Then 40 years later, we cared for my husband's father for the last 3 and a half years of his life until his health was so bad that he was in a nursing home for the last 8 days of his life. We believed that this is what you do for family. My husband now says if he had it to do over again, he would not have done it. I don't agree, but I understand the sentiment. I can't imagine too many things that hurt worse than sacrificing to care for your elderly parent and then have them bad-mouth you to others.
If it helps to know that you aren't alone, then please know you aren't.
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Exsister Dec 12, 2023
I really feel your frustration. It helps a bit that we are not alone. My mum hates to feel dependent so she takes it out on me. I live with her and work for myself but she tells people I am unemployed and living off her (everyone who knows me knows this is not true as I work for myself and am I gave up my apartment to move home to live with her). It is affecting my work because she gets passive-aggressive when I need to meet clients, and I lost out on opportunities to progress my career because I am just not available. When I want to meet a client or friend she creates a drama (it's always an emergency). Yesterday I spent the whole day driving her around to appointments and Christmas shopping, then came home and dealt with her tax, banking and other things that demand a lot of my time. After a draining day and evening (for me) I found her in the living room with the lights off, telling me she had "A horrible day". I said I'm sorry you had a horrible day and agreed it was stressful but at least we got things done. She said I made her stressed by walking in front of her (I had to run ahead of her to the car with a heavy load of shopping instead of walking slowly beside her, because it was killing my back). She didn't like a jumper I ordered her because it was Size XL (she is in denial about her weight). She asked me to cook for her, then complained about the food (an omelette). Her cup of tea was too hot and there wasn't enough milk in it. She told me she has told other people how miserable her life is. She has made enemies all over the community because of her sharp tongue, but she tells me they are all her friends. I think what triggered her bad mood yesterday was seeing some of the neighbours greeting me because I am on friendly terms with them.
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Parents talking about their children is incredibly common. It’s incredibly sad when a parent talks bad about one child to their siblings.

The information passed on is rarely accurate and it can take awhile before the truth comes out and hearts are healed.

It’s frustrating when parents stir the pot and involve other people. It can become uncomfortable and at times embarrassing for us. The only thing that truly matters is that you know the truth.

Actually, even though it hurts that untruths are told, it isn’t something that you have any control over.

Unless it’s an important matter, don’t even bother to defend yourself. Chances are more lies from your parent will come forth. Why waste your time and energy on this?

We have to find ways to be at peace from within. Never judge yourself according to what others think, feel or say about you.

Finding self awareness will bring peace into your life. When you reach a point where these things no longer bother you, you have worked through it.

My therapist once told me that we don’t get over something. We work through our difficulties to move past them.

Wishing you all the best.
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iameli Dec 1, 2023
I so agree with all of this!

OP, another way to look at it: when someone acts aloof with you as your father's friend did, chances are very good that it isn't about you. Most of these people aren't terribly shy--if she were really judging you based on your father's complaints, wouldn't she have been more likely to scold you that you need to be paying more attention to your poor father? Passive-aggressively snubbing the person rarely gets the point across as well!
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I found out my mom was talking bad about me to caregivers & others. I can’t blame her though because she had dementia & my sibling would feed her lies about me,

It still hurts though.
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Both of my parents did this to me from time to time. The other siblings got talked about at times too. My father got worse when he got older with this nonsense. It seemed like he was going to out live all of us indefinitely. LOL. When he passed, I was like good riddance. Later followed by grief and such. I think I was grieving the last thirty something years that were lost between us and the family. After my mother died, it seemed like all of us sibs went our separate ways.

I'm sorry to say, but there is not much you can do with the elderly and their perception of pure nonsense. I found out that trying to correct the behavior is a waste of time and only made me more upset especially when dealing with someone super old and up in years. Put up boundaries. Lessen visits when you need to.
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This leads me to believe this is a lifetime problem.............it isn't age related, right? Reminds me of many stories shared about narcissistic family members who sought attention in the same way. Hope you will consider moving far away right after you meet with a family therapist...........................you deserve to be treated with respect.
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faithfulbeauty Dec 3, 2023
@ConnieCaretaker.. Yes it is a lifelong problem. He mistreated my mom and I and he has also done the same since I have been an adult. I was just thinking about how much I wish I could move away. I'm working towards that.
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