Anyone grateful for the break the virus has given?

Hello
Yes initially I was relieved for the break in almost daily visits. I was struggling to visit after work and in between picking my husband up work
Never thinking the lockdown would last as long as it did. My dad always enjoyed phone conversations so the phone was good for him.
Despite ite my keeping in touch with the nurses and doctor, my dad experienced a UTI and dehydration in April so not being there was not good. The information I was getting over the phone was not accurate to his condition. I’ve heard similar stories from other families that this happened to at nursing homes.
My dad ended up at that time getting covid 19 and passed away on May 18. I was not able to see him again.
It went from a small break to a nightmare. The nursing facilities were not properly prepared for the virus with 49 staff ending up having the virus. From one day to the next
the facility had a spike in positive
covid cases . April 30 there were 0 and on May 1 there were12 and on May 2nd 6 more . The number kept climbing. This was King James Care
One in New Jersey .
Caring for elderly family members is not easy but the lockdown caused more problems than it prevented in the end.
A responsible party should have the ability to visit to see how the person is doing. These are people who can’t speak for themselves.
Best to anyone going through this situation

Carmela

Mhill, reading your post was so heartfelt. You wanted what was best for your dad. Your dad went peacefully and quickly, which is a blessing. Another 8 weeks of rehab, how much can an elder take. You made the best decision for your dad. I know if it were me I would want off everything and pass peacefully and I certainly would not want to put my 97 year old though it. I have been many through pic lines, IV antibiotics, ER and hospitals every week, every month and so on with my mother. Since the CV, I made some important decisions, kept my mom out of the ER, had nursing in once week and prayed. She has been out of the hospital and ER for 3 months and doing well. The point I am trying to make is I will not run her ragged and myself ever again, it was crazy, no wonder we were dead tired. I will not put her through all this again and yes It was for her and I know it was for me. I do not want to lose my mother, she is 97. I have to face facts. When her time comes and she gets sicker and I see this pattern again, I will put her on Hospice and make my dear sweet mom comfortable and allow her to pass with my blessing peacefully. Body gets tired and the love we show to our loved ones should compassion, willing to let them go in peace to a better world. I am so happy your mom is doing well and she is home with you. God bless you. I will keep you in my prayers.

I feel absolutely the same. I haven't seen my mother since March 5, and her facility will remain locked down for the foreseeable future. I tried calling her once a week and that didn't go well. I would tell her how the rest of the family was doing, then she would go on about how awful the facility is and how she wants to come home. I'm actually grateful that I don't have to go see her, and I've actually starting writing her letters instead of calling, because of the guilt-tripping that she lays on me every time I call. She even hung up on me on Mother's Day. She has called me once and written a couple of times. I can write and tell her what's going on without listening to the griping, so yes, while I feel guilty, it has been a big relief not having to drive over an hour to her facility (I'm an only child).

My 89 yr old mom was hospitalized with covid and it broke my heart that i couldnt see her...i have moved in with her to care for her......once she came home, i was so grateful to be able to care for her again BUT I was completely exhausted since she was still so ill and i was up all night with her......its better now......when my dad was in the hospital and then rehab and then hospital again 2 yrs ago, i went everyday - i couldnt bear the thought of him being alone - he wanted me there and didnt do well if i wasnt there.....oddly, he was due to come home and then got MRSA and became septic - went to his heart and became very ill.....he stopped eating and drinking.....the drs were telling me to bring him back to rehab for 8 weeks of IV antibiotics, feeding tube, pic line and bedbound due to hip and bedsores......the thought of him suffering everyday again in rehab for another 2 months - and the thought of me having to be there again everyday overwhelmed me.......i chose against the feeding tube and he was in hospice for 3 days before he died....heavily medicated...didnt get a chance to say goodbye....im still haunted by my decision - was it to relieve his suffering or mine? The drs gave him a poor diagnosis and said he was gravely ill but why didnt I at least try the 8 more weeks albeit i would have had to place the feeding tube AND he was suffering - so i know in rehab it would have been worse......i question my decision daily

JetCityGirl -

" I have no family, friends who care "

Hopefully it is apparent to you from these responses, but it hasn't been explicitly stated, so here it is: You have friends who care here. And we are here for you any time you need. Give yourself a big hug for us.

S

Yes, this has been a good thing for me although sometimes I think it is a bit selfish of me to think that. My dad is 93. I have not seen him since the second week of March except for one time through the window. I used to spend every Saturday afternoon with him at AL. Having my Saturday's back has been awesome. It has made me feel sort of 'normal' again, given what I've gone through the last 5-1/2 years. But covid has not been good for him. His personal caregiver has not been allowed to be at the AL and he is not getting the attention he used to. His health has gone south and he has been in skilled nursing for the last month. I am in the process of moving his things out of AL -- they will be packing him, they won't let me go to his room because of covid -- and the SNF will be figuring out in the next week what level of care he will need ongoing. However, this move allows me to park his car for good (the caregivers used to drive it but I was always afraid something would happen -- he would not allow me to take it for maintenance, tires, etc.) and has also let me take control of the yard maintenance at the house he still owns (he and a friend used to do it -- another concern as he shouldn't have been doing it -- but that is a done deal now as I hired a yard service). Selfishly, there have been positives for me in all of this that has given me a sense of relief.

At first I was a little guilty but then realized that I deserve my time as well. Moms ALF allows one family (or other contact) only during the covid quarantine. I could go every day but have let mom think that it is limited visits as well. So actually it has been eye opening for me. Since she is in an ALF she DOES NOT need me there everyday; all it did was screw up my day (I would go at lunchtime). So now I have cut it down to once a week and I think after the lockdown I may keep it at that.

I am grateful too, but in a different way; I have been out of work since March 13th due to the Coronavirus. I have really enjoyed NOT having to get Mom up, dressed, fed and medicated early in the morning in order to get her on the transit bus to go to the senior center. I don't have to listen to the constant complaining that the bus is either early or late, getting up too early, etc. Also, many of her appointments were put on hold, so there's a lot less running here and there, and sitting in waiting rooms. Though we are in the house together all of the time, we manage to find our own space, and we are less "in each others' faces". I do feel guilty about Mom being stuck without her social outlets, but I am also definately grateful!

I think this just goes to prove that we are doing way too much and denying ourselves time for resting and reviving our souls and bodies. So I see no need to feel badly (or guilt as some call it). She is getting care and is surviving just like you are.
my father was in LTC and I felt much relief at having a break. Who knew how long it was going to go on. He did enter hospice two weeks ago and died just this past Tuesday at nearly 99. Not from Covid but just age. So that made it sad that this is when he died and I could not see him until that last week. I saw him 2 days before he died.
I had him here 7 years and have been through so much that no one will ever know. But I am happy he is at peace finally as he was so miserable.
Enjoy this break as you know it won’t last forever. And when it does open back up, reevaluate things. You do have the ultimate control to set a schedule and to set boundaries. And for Pete’s sake lose any shred of guilt. You’ve done nothing wrong to be guilty of. Be proud of what you do and only do what you can.

No need to feel guilty. But high time for some change. I don't know that this will ease up soon, the virus is still pretty common and very lethal to very old people. So this is a good time to work on changing your life into what you want it to be. Even now, you are still the moon orbiting the sun that is your mother. It is not possible that anyone could need that much stuff weekly. Maybe in the beginning, when they first get to AL but not now. Too bad if she does not like the food. You need to try to stop catering to her every need. My FIL had a lot of doctors too, all referrals for his many ailments, but when he went to MC, I was able to stop all that and just use their doctor. The doctor did see patients in the facility, and she is very responsive to the staff when something is needed so that helped a lot. You are an adult, she cannot hurt you any more. Stop calling her every day; don't give her a reason, just tell her you were busy or don't tell her anything. Tell her to make a list of what she needs and you can get it delivered; Walmart and Walgreens have free delivery after $25. Stop supplying her food. Yes, you can bring her an occasional treat but she needs to eat what the facility provides. $2400 for clothes storage is a lot; especially if you are paying for it. most AL's only want them to have a few outfits. I agree that there is limited room for seasonal clothes. I had my inlaws clothes here in 2 flat boxes under the bed so they could keep their winter coats, boots, heavier clothes etc. They no longer went out in all weathers so they really did not need that much. Tell her to pick what she wants, put it in a box or suitcase, donate the rest. You have the control to stop this craziness. Take it back and stop giving her the control over your life.

I agree with daybyday27 about the lockdown making me take a look at what I was doing before and what has changed. I used to visit my Mom just about every day. I would make sure she had her socks on, her hair was combed, she was drinking enough, etc. Well, that stopped abruptly and she's actually OK! Yes, there was a time when she became very dehydrated and the staff realized they had to push the fluids and monitor her intake. Her hair looks terrible but so does everyone else's (and she doesn't really care). I still call her every day but it's more for me as she probably won't remember after we hang up.

I always had a wonderful relationship with my Mom but it was still very stressful for me to visit every day. I can only imagine what it must be like for someone who doesn't have the same good memories of or relationship with their mother. I think my stress came from believing I had the responsibility of ensuring she was OK and having to be a pain-in-the-a... if I saw something I didn't like. After 3 months though, I see that Mom has made new friends, really likes the staff and mostly seems happy. There have been a few times during the shutdown that she wasn't feeling well or she was crying on the phone and, before, I would jump in the car and drive over. Since I couldn't do that, I found that she was still OK the next day - even without me being there.

Once we can visit again, I will now limit the number of times I go over every week. I know that her needs are being met, the staff are good to her and really, who cares (other than me) if she doesn't have her socks on?

Yes! Yes! I have thought the same. The virus has made many things terribly difficult and sorrowful, but in this one little way has made my life easier. Both my parents moved into an assisted living community right before the shutdown. Then they each took a turn in the hospital. If I had been allowed in to either place, I would have been run ragged between the two places and the two parents. They have had a difficult adjustment to the community which I probably could have helped make easier if I were allowed in. But at the same time, they were forced to rely on each other and the staff which may have made for a quicker adjustment. Guilty but grateful too.

It's okay to enjoy your break. I encourage you to cut down on the daily phone calls. How about every other day or two or three times a week? Taking items weekly and regular phone calls are enough for now. Most if not all of us adult children are not allowed to see our elderly parents right now. That's beyond our control. They are being cared for and tended to and it's okay.
I also read your bio and good grief you have NOTHING to be guilty about. She sent you away from age 8 to 16? Seriously? In my mind you owe her nothing. She threw you out and stopped being a parent. Why do you have to do anything for her? Sell the house, have her pay for the clothing storage and take back your life. It'd be one thing if you had had a loving relationship but you did not.

I bet my Sister wishes She was You:((xx

While this virus has made it ‘easier’ on some it’s made it worse for me. My 81 year old mother lives with my husband and I, she doesn’t drive and I stay home with her all day. I would take her out often to the store just to walk, I don’t/can’t right now. I used to have home health (rehab due to a hospital admit). It is HELL and she is driving me crazy!!
You have every right to feel this way, as others have commented once restrictions ease up I wouldn’t go around as much (if at all). Embrace your new found freedom.
Good luck and stay strong for yourself God bless you.

I understand what your going through, I have an 84 year old dad and he has a big dog that his doing its toilets in the house, his carer has told me about it and I have tried to talk to my dad about it, but nothing goes in, I dont know what to do, I cannot go in at the moment so I cannot tell him that the house smells as he has no sense of smell and I dont know how to tackle it, so at the moment I get a reprive. So dont feel quilty. Im dreading the time when I can go back in.

I think the changes in the way we live and interact during this lockdown period have offered all of us a chance to take a good look at what we have been doing (and why) and make some decisions about what we want or need to do going forward. But beyond that, it has been more quiet, the pace has been slower and (at least in my neighborhood) people are able to be out walking and talking with each other (although with masks or across the street). Awful that it took a pandemic for us to be able to have the time to read, reflect, exercise, meditate, bond with the dog, rest, pray, do some home projects, but it’s been an eye opener. Of course it is horrific for those who are ill and those brave warriors who care for them. But for some of us, this has been an a time of new clarity.

You are not alone in your relief. My malignant narcissistic mom is spending the pandemic alone, at 93, 1600 miles away from me. I haven't seen her since January, and I typically travel monthly to visit her. I talk to her daily on the phone, and I have been secretly grateful for these months "off." She has expressed that she is afraid she will never see me again, and I suppose that could be true. However, the fact that the entire world is upended by the pandemic eases the guilt tremendously. I don't think it's a bad thing to find some enjoyment in a little breathing room.

Wow. Just wow after reading your profile. Good lord, this woman has done nothing for you and now dangles you like a puppet! Now that you are on "break", you need to cut those strings! Do NOT resume doing what you were doing before the lock down. Despite not being able to walk, you should not have to do all that you are doing for her. If you think doing all this will make her grateful or will change her or make her love you, think again.

Ex became best friend and has walked away. Hospital, NH and several facilities have ditched her. See the pattern here? It isn't you, it is her!

"I pay 200 a mo to store her clothes." Why? She has funds, if she wants to keep all these clothes, SHE should pay the storage fees.

" My mother doesn't like the food where she is so I bring soup and snacks." If she doesn't like the food she can order food. Hunger is a big motivator - you don't bring food, she doesn't like what they have, she'll get hungry.

"I buy so much for her." Again, WHY? You say she has several decent sources of income, let her buy her own things. She'll either have to give you the money or order whatever it is she wants to be delivered. Stop subsidizing someone who doesn't need it!

"I am an only child and I hate hate caring for this woman." Stop caring for her. If you can't stop completely, at least cut it WAY down. She doesn't deserve any of what you are doing for her and you shouldn't be spending your money on HER needs, esp since she has sufficient income. Now is your time to see that cutting all this out hasn't changed anything - so why bring it all back when the walls come down? She's survived and YOU are better able to breathe and have a life!

"...did you tell her she looks wonderful." IF she asks, don't answer, change the subject or speak the truth.

"The clothes in storage are expensive and I take her to storage so she can get summer clothes." Buy her some porta-closets and "store" them in her AL place. Cuts out the cost AND you won't have to take her there.

"I take her to the doctors." Most AL facilities have some kind of transport. Let her use them. I would do it that way, but my mother has severe hearing loss AND dementia, so someone needs to be there. Why so many appts anyway? At most, unless she has some condition that needs monitoring, every 6 m for doc and dentist, maybe even every 12 m. No transport? Have her call a taxi or outside transport for those with disabilities. They are out there!

"I do it all. And I hate it. I feel like I am in hell." You are, but it is in some ways a hell you made. Unmake it (unintentionally it is temporarily unmade now - DON'T remake it !!!)!!!

"In order to keep my mom calm and not cry to be with me...I tell her she is going to come live with me when I retire in 7 more years." I would stop telling her this too. With dementia you could get away with telling her that, with no intention of doing it, as they forget and/or have no concept of time. You can tell her that if she works to get better she could get her own place, but don't promise your place and DON'T ever follow through with that promise!! If you think it was bad before the lock down, think how much worse it would be LIVING every day with this! DON'T DO IT!

Stay strong Jetcitygirl. You have been way too kind and this woman, despite being your birth mother, does NOT deserve what you do for her. She is in AL, they help her with her immediate needs, the rest needs to be negotiated. SHE pays for whatever it is SHE wants. YOU get to schedule if and when you visit or pickup supplies that SHE pays for. SHE can pay for storage, reduce the amount of clothing or store it in her own space.

Fly my little pretty, FLY!!! You deserve to enjoy your life. You owe her nothing.

If she is in AL you really don't need to be taking her to doctor appoints....the AL will arrange and do that for you. Bring her 'supplies' can be knocked down to twice a month.

As far as this being a break, yes I am grateful. I was on the fence about bringing my father to my home for Easter. Transporting him is an issue especially with me being the host. Sometimes I can get someone to bring him but they have other plans after our place so I still have to get him home when I am exhausted. The second issue is he now needs help in the bathroom and I just don't want to do that. Doesn't help that he always seems to need to go just as you are putting food on the table or doing something else equally important. Covid made that decision for me.

Absolutely! By February I was in danger of getting mentally ill over my inability to deal with my mother's increasing demands and unpleasant behaviour, and I have found lockdown a blessing because I haven't had to feel responsible for meeting all her needs. I too have ordered stuff, taken parcels round, rung once a week (and asked others to) or sent notes when she couldn't hear, etc., and am now getting nervous because she is coming round on Friday (as they are now allowed to meet one other household outside the AL) and I don't know how well my new intentions to protect myself will work out in practice... I'm not proud of feeling like this, but we don't get on and never have, and there's no point pretending otherwise.

Amen to Covid restrictions.
March 16th as my brother was loading the vessel of evil into the car to take her to the AL they called me and said they were going on lock down! I said she's on her way. I'm dealing with the movers to get her living room and bedroom packed up and sent to the AL! There was some arguing for a few minutes and then they saw it my way and let her in.
It's been amazing since then! I didn't realize how depressed I had become. We tricked her into going. Told her the house had to be fumigated with very toxic chemicals and she had to be out for a week (thanks to this forum for the idea) she is doing very well. Gained 20lbs.

I agree, its now time to set boundries. What you are willing and not willing to do.

First thing would be, does she really need to see her doctors so often. Once they plateau, they don't need to go all the time. Its just maintenance after that. In my State prescriptions need to be renewed every six months with the doctor being seen. Moms other doctor was just having her labs done every six months to check her numbers. And medications. I found Mom was still on a heart med to slow it down. Well, she was on Thyroid meds that corrected that problem so no more heart meds were needed. I got her down to once a year seeing certain doctors. Her PCP had her coming every two months. I asked Mom why? Took her to an office visit and the Nurse asked me what I was there for. I said I had no idea and if he says "why are we here today" she won't be coming back unless she is sick or needs a refill. He said it and she only went back when needed.

4 days a week for someone who works is a lot. Maybe a call after dinner asking how things are. If she starts asking for this or that tell her that you will pick up what she needs the next time you visit. Not sure when that will be but keep a list and I will call just before I come over.

You should not be storing her clothes and paying for it. Being in AL there can't be much she needs. Tell her you no longer will pay for storage so she needs to choose what she keeps and what goes. I kept seasonal stuff at my house in totes and under the bed boxes. Mom wore mostly tops and slacks. 3prs basic color shoes, brown, black and navy blue. She had nine outfits for each season, Spring/Summer and Fall/Winter.

If you can't use the stuff from her house, sell it, give it away. She will never need it again. Her next stop maybe a LTC and she will be down to the minimum there.

She has done OK the last 3 months she can continue to do OK.

Now that you see that you don't have to do all that, I'd make the arrangements for it to continue. There are doctors who go to AL facilities every week or two, so the patient doesn't have to leave the facility. It works well for those with limited mobility. And, any needed items can be delivered.

We are all enjoying not running around to appointments every week , one month we had thirty. I will never go back to that many appointment again. Learned we can do without that many. Liked Telehealth very much, but the doctors did not. Most appointments now will be every 6 months instead of every week. We were rushing so much, some days we had two back to back. Do not feel at all guilty, and very grateful we had an agency RN during the pandemic. The doctors trusted my judgement and ordered medicine and treatment over the phone for my mother. No way was she going to the ER. I spoke up on behalf of my mother and got things done in a timely manner.

Jetcitygirl, you can now see what type of running around you need to do when the quarantine is lifted.

What a blessing to be able to set and enforce boundaries based on actual needs and not wants.

No need to feel guilty for enjoying a break from the running ragged that you have been doing for your moms wants.

Edit: I just read your profile. Oh my! You do not need to be her scratching post or step and fetch it. She can live with the consequences of her bad choices. You have already paid more for them than anyone should expect. Sucks to have to say no, but you can't forfeit your life for her and her choices. Great big warm hug! You deserve so much better than what she has and is doing to you.