I've a unique situation and am seeking some advice. I'm my 85 yr old Dad's POA and he does listen to my advice, most of the time. I'm afraid, however, facing what I'm going to be telling him this time might just set him against me for good.
First off, let me say that Dad is doing just fine financially. He has a good monthly income and a decent amount in savings. Due to illnesses (and some symptoms of early dementia) he's currently staying with my brother and sis in law. My sis in law is watching him nearly 24/7 due to unsteadiness on his feet and periodic confusion, especially after waking from one of his many "naps". She's afraid to leave him on his own at all and he won't hear of having a "babysitter".
My older brother and I both live out of state so can't help. We seriously believe that it's time that dad starts paying for his care. He does pay his share of the bills and food, but my brother, and especially my sis in law, are really doing above and beyond for him. SIL has put her life on hold for him. They also need someone to stay up and watch him at night so they can get decent sleep (I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about here). My niece (age 22) has told me she would do it for 500.00 a month (she's a true night owl), a real bargain if you ask me. We think Dad should pay her to take the night shift, and pay my SIL 1,000.00/mo to care for all the other hours of care she's giving. Thing is, he can more then afford this, especially since he gambles nearly 1500.00 a month at the casino.
My sister in law is the one who takes him to the casino and she's tried not taking him but he get's like a little kid...rants, raves, cries and pouts, for days until she finally relents and takes him.nnFunny thing is, none of us want to take his gambling away. We know why he does it...it helps to ease the pain of being old, dependent, sick and without mom. We're all of the mind that he and mom earned their money, and if he wants to spend it that way, more power to him. He can afford, for a few year anyway, to pay both the 1500.00/mo for his care and gamble 1500.00/mo. He will need to sell his home up north (will never be able to go back to it anyway) to help him do it, but it is an option.
I know he's going to feel betrayed when I bring all this up. He thinks he's earned his care by having raised my brother. He already feels betrayed by my older brother (long story) and I'm afraid bring this up is going to cause him to believe my younger brother is only after his money, which is not at all the case. The paying was my idea, actually, and we all three children agreed it was what needs to happen.
I know that we are extremely fortunate that he does have the resources he does, but it doesn't change the fact that I know he's going to fight us on this, and I'm not sure what to do if he does. Does anyone have any ideas?
He has to have a home health care nurse in three to four times a week (he has a catheter and is on coumadin which is always out of wack) and he's throwing a fit about that now because it's interference with his gambling.
It could well be that he is addicted to gambling. He did love going when Mom was alive, but she hated it so he only went occasionally. And my sister in law, who has to live with him, wants to take him because she can't handle the attitude he gives her if she doesn't. I'm not in a position to insist she stop giving into him...she's the one who's putting up with him 24/7. Last thing I want to do is tick her off too by being demanding of her.
I am in a hard place here...without a doubt.
Can you think of ways that he can use the $1500 more effectively, such as through charity work? It sounds as though he's still mobile enough to get around. Does he have any business background that he could contribute through SCORE (retired execs)? Any hobbies he could share through senior volunteer work, or with scouts, or would the dementia interfere with that? Is he active in any church work? Does he like animals? Could he volunteer at a local animal shelter?
I would also ask one of his doctors about getting home PT for the unsteadiness on his feet, and make adaptations such as clearing out throw rugs, installing grab bars, etc. to eliminate fall likelihoodo so that your brother and SIL can get more sleep.
I would also consider a medical alert device as backup and extra protection.
I think the payments to SIL and niece are reasonable and justified.
As to raising the issue of payment to him, I think you're right that he'll become angry. But realistically, it's not fair to expect your brother and SIL to provide care for him while he's spending $1500 on gambling. He couldn't go to a casino and play for free. What they're doing is worth far more than $1,000 a month - it would cost him several multiples of that at an assisted living facilty, which I'm sure he would fight tooth and nail.
I'd discuss this thoroughly with all the family before approaching him and see if you can't find a way to make him think that you're adding an extra level of care for him. Try to redirect his resentment toward your family into appreciate for your consideration and thoughtfulness.
If you have to, let him know that your brother and SIL can't do this forever, that their health will be compromised, and then they'll have to consider another option (i.e., assisted living) if they become ill.
I suspect though that that kind of projective thinking isn't realistic for him now.
Alternately, I would really try to think of ways to keep him occupied in charitable work or something that would reward him ("feel good work") so that he doesn't need to gamble to spend away the emotional pain. If you can find a substitute activity that makes him feel good and provides a sense of helping someone, it may rechannel his loneliness and emptiness.
I think so often people who've worked all their lives are just so susceptible to the disposable attitude which seems to accompany some aspects of getting old - so much attention is given to the young while the elderly are sometimes considered burdens. We as a society need to find ways their lives can be shared and still be useful as they age, despite infirmities.