I've scoured the internet but can't find anything on my specific situation. My mother and I have always been extremely close. When my dad passed away in 2006, I moved back in with her to help her through it. Shortly after that, I met my husband. He knew mom and I were a "package deal" at that time because of my dad, and he was ok with the living situation. Fast-forward 16 years and we’re still a 3-person household. The older my husband and I get, the harder it is having her in our home, all the time, zero privacy, no personal space, and one bathroom. She says she does her best to stay out of our way, but we feel we deserve the opportunity to have a real marriage, just the two of us. A week ago, we told mom we think it's time we worked together to find her a place of her own. At 74, she's self-sufficient, healthy, and active. And because all she gets is social security, we've always paid almost everything (housing, food, utilities, etc.) Her immediate reaction has been extreme emotional distress, anger, and depression. She's made it clear that we are complete disappointments, that we're throwing her out like a piece of trash, and she'll probably end up needing to either sell or live in her car. We assured her we will help in every way possible, including as much as we can financially. We've found several very nice low-income independent living facilities within 15 miles of us. We’re trying to help but she’s made a point of saying she doesn’t want a single thing from us. She believed she'd live with us forever. We never expected her reaction. My husband and I feel unbelievably guilty about the whole situation, but for the sake of our marriage, we're not going to change our minds. I think our relationship with my mom may be beyond repair (her choice, not mine). To complicate matters, I have a younger brother who can't take her in (his wife refuses to have her live with them). He offered to help her look for a place near them (he's in NC, but we're in PA and her whole life is here, so she won't go for that). I told him that our best option is to split whatever cost there may be over and above what she can afford. He never responded to that suggestion. We don't know where to go from here. Were we wrong for waiting so long and now it's just too late? We’ve been putting this off for several years because we were terrified this would be her reaction. Is it my obligation and duty as a daughter to provide a home for her for the rest of her life? I can't force my brother to do his fair share of taking care of mom, so it's probably completely on us. This is a total nightmare. Any advice is very, very appreciated.
I agree to a point but... My Mom was a homemaker my Dad the bread winner. They lived from pay to pay and supported 4 kids. My Mom budgeted their money very well. Upon his death she lost her SS, 1/3 of their combined monthly income and got Dads. His pension, she got $200 a month. Together she received $1700 a month. $170 of that went to her Church. She lived on that. Never asked for a dime. She passed in 2017. There is no way, even with SS raises, could she live on that now. She had 48k in CDs from Dad's life insurance. In this economy, that would not last long. Yes, she would have needed to downsize. Apts here go for 1300 a month. HUD, has a waiting list. But in the end, I , and I hope my brothers too, would have helped her make ends meet.
The extra information you gave us is so helpful.
First of all you made it clear you and hubby live in your own small home and she has moved in with you and she owns nothing.
Then she will need to room with someone who will accept most of her SS as the rental payment for her.
You are not, not, NOT going to find any assisted living for her she can afford, nor should you be using any of your own funds for her living expenses. It will take you and hubby a lifetime to make yourselves secure in your own old age so that you do not end up right where she is today, which is dependent on others.
You are not responsible for her own poor decisions. She has had full opportunity living with you all these many years to save. That she did not is on her.
You have every right to a life without living with a parent.
Give her a time frame and stick to your guns.
I wish you the best.
Even if mom never lived alone, 74 is still young enough to start a new life now. Engage in social activities, drive to group activities, and stop making you the center of her life and her entertainment committee. Help her do it, she may be happy you did. Or, she may choose to be miserable. Either way, it's not your fault.
Why does she have no money in savings?
Did your father leave her nothing?
Do the low-income facilities cost low enough that she would have enough left for food and utilities after paying her monthly rent?
Do you own your own home? If so, could you do something different, such as converting your garage into a small "granny pad" apartment for her, that is a more separate living arrangement from her being inside your house?
I'm going to go against the flow here and suggest that, if your mother has NEVER lived on her own, at 74, it is a huge shock to expect to push her into it.
If SS money is all she has, she won't have enough to live on.
We were married 26 years when he died in 2020, and it was the very first time that I was on my own completely.
And guess what???.....I LOVED IT, and still do.
So don't sell this woman short as it's beyond past time that she experiences life on her own and finally learns what it means to be truly independent. My guess is, she like me will love it!
You have come to a good place for these questions
I would say - go ahead and do it. You are placing her in an independent living place that will be safe for her. she will have a roof over her head. Offer to pay what you can for the costs. See if your Brother will also.
is she truly cognitively intact and able to make her own decisions ?
Your Mom got your Dad's Social Security, yet never paid you rent or shared the utilities or food costs? That is so selfish I cannot believe it. Did you pay for a car for her too? Didn't Dad have life insurance? I take it she was a "housewife" and never worked in her entire life. She latched on and had it made for the ultimate free ride!
She is long overdue to get her own place, and could have gotten a job at 56 to PAY HER OWN WAY. Why should your husband have to financially support her for 16 years? She should have moved out when you got married! Two is company, THREE is a crowd! She knows this, she has SS and Medicare from your Dad's hard work. She can get Senior vouchers and discounts everywhere! Why should she even try when she has YOU to pay her way in life?
What exactly has she done for YOU so incredibly generous? Where's her list? Do the math of 16 years of financial support, say $1,200 a month x 16 years is over $230,000!! You could have that saved for your retirement right now.
DO NOT be "TERRIFIED" of her reaction to anything. Life is not a FREE RIDE. I saw it mentioned elsewhere, did Mom financially support her parents in any way? She has nerve to try to pull the guilt card after a 16 year vacation on your dime. She knows damn well your husband comes first, NOT HER. With her reaction, why would you even WANT a relationship with such a selfish opportunist? She should have saved up plenty from her SS for a nice nest egg as well, since she didn't contribute financially. Say $500 a month for 16 years is $96,000!
I hope this wakes you up to cut the free ride OFF. You have gone beyond the call, and shouldn't pay another dime. What did she do with her SS after Dad died? She had no expenses to pay! She should have some nice savings and can easily afford a place, and not live in her car! What a manipulative Drama Queen.
Go forward with your plans, you could be moving into a new place if you hadn't spent over $200K supporting your ungrateful Mother the last 16 years. You should be furious at yourselves, so don't give in whatsoever! Neither you or your brother should be paying her way, period.
Help her find a place and don't buy into the FOG tactics she's very good at using. Fear Obligation and Guilt is NO reason to keep her living with you, nor are those good reasons for her to WANT to keep living with you, knowing you'd like her to move out. She's frightened of having to be an adult now, at 74, maybe for the first time in her life. She may have moved from her parents home in with her husband, then in with you, never having to run a household herself. If so, let her know you'll help her every step of the way. You're not abandoning her.....just seeking privacy for yourselves now, which is reasonable. She'll come around.
Good luck on your new venture, you deserve it.
You say "I moved in to help her out". I assume YOU moved into HER home.
You then fast forward to your relationship and wanting the small home to be yours.
WHOSE HOME IS THIS? Yours or your Moms? Who paid for this home, or did I miss a part where you met hubby, married, and you, hubby and mom moved into ANOTHER home.
I'm so confused.
If your mother owns a home (and you say she is threatening to sell it and live in her car, so she must) WHY in the world, at 74, would she need to leave her home and go into care at this time? That home is her bankroll for her future care, but she needn't move now. And in fact could move a roommate into her home.
It would be YOU AND HUBBY leaving her home--am I right.
Anyway, look forward to knowing who lives where and who owns what, so I can answer.
I understand your Mom's shock after all this time, but I also understand your wanting your own small place to yourselves.
I do understand where your coming from. Its just not working anymore and thats what you tell her. Maybe you had plans for a bigger place, Mom having her own space and it did not work out that way. Retirement is on the horizon and you just can't see being with Mom 24/7. Trying to go on trips without her. Maybe your SIL has seen things in Mom that you don't see or...do you just tolerate them? There are probably a lot of reasons why now she has to find a place of her own. Do not allow her to manipulate you.
You have gone WAY above and beyond with your generosity by allowing your mom to live with you for the last 16 years with your husband.
Unfortunately you didn't have your mom move out when you married your husband as he should have come before your mom and did deserve to have you to himself, but that is now water under the dam, and you can only go forward with putting him and your marriage first by getting mom out.
Let her act like a spoiled little brat who's not getting their way, and stand your ground. I guess that in itself lets you know just how much she appreciates all those years of help and support from you huh?
Please don't spend your money on her any longer as you and your husband will need any and all of your funds when you both get older. Your mom will just have to learn to live within her means as all us mature adults do. And if that means doing without some things she's gotten used to, well...so be it.
I'm glad that you and your husband have finally decided to put yourselves and your marriage first. Better late then never!
If she resists moving (since your home is her legal residence) you may need to actually go through an eviction process. This sounds cold and heartless but her inserting herself thoughtlessly into your lives is more cold and heartless. You aren't punishing her, you are just having a healthy boundary that you should have recognized 16 years ago. Your brother and SIL have a correct boundary so do not blame her for defending her boundary.
Reassure your Mom you will help her every step of moving out and somewhat afterwards. Do NOT support her financially as this isn't fair to you, your husband or any kids you may have. You are robbing from your own future support -- unless you have very robust assets.
I recommend transitioning her into a continuum of care community, where they start with IL, have AL and MC on the premises. Make sure they accept Medicaid. Hopefully they will have activities and social events to distract her. She won't have any excuse to not socialize.
No matter how angry or bitter she seems, ignore it. Only respond to her when she speaks to you in a calm and respectful way. Anything else is childish, so don't reinforce it by acknowleging it. She will be angry for a while. If she's depressed it may be a good idea to get her on meds before she moves. My 94-yr old Mom recently started on the lowest dose of Lexapro and it helped her a lot.
May you get clarity and wisdom, and receive peace in your heart that this is the best solution for everyone.