After 11 months, working full time and doing most of if not all the household duties, i feel like more of a room-mate then a husband most of the time. One of my best friends to the both of us offered to come over and be my FIL's "gopher"to give is a much needed break together. My wife said no as she did not want to leave her dad and burden him with the task. This has been my last 11 months. Even now as she knows he needs to go to AL, she is hesitating and reciently told me to "back-off" on the subject as it is upsetting her. So as I am researching AL places on my own, i am getting more bitter every week.
Help........need advise AGAIN!
Don't get me wrong, I am not taking sides here. You are definitely complicit in some way, means that you are getting something out of this non-marriage marriage, which maybe gives you a freedom undisclosed. You could make yourself accountable to a mentor, but not as a victim, if you really intend to take any action, in any direction. Talk to you next year, will you still be blaming your wife in 2016? This has gone on too long to be dissatisfied with the status quo.
The New Year starts tomorrow. To me she has made a clear statement as to where her loyalties lie and what her intentions are for the future without coming out and discussing it with you openly. The ball is now in your court.
No, Beretta, you are not being petty or paranoid. Your wife is giving you yet another clear signal that her father is more important to her than you are. What are you going to do about it?
I called home to leave a message, and my wife changed the voicemail where it had recorded "this is the residence of "FIL" full name, and then us. I know this is minor but why does it seem to bother me so much? I have not brought it up as of yet.
When we moved her here, we did not expect her to live past a few months due to her frail physical condition. However - with better nutrition and care she is still here 14 months later - and now moving into Memory Care AL next week. Her dementia has progressed quite a bit.
After a year, during which my husband - who has been a wonderful caring son to her - REFUSED to consider Adult Day Care or having an aide come in, resulting in us being UNable to go out together - because once she was here she didn't want to EVER be left alone and the 1st time we did for just an hour to do an errand, she was crying and upset when we returned - I put my foot down.
I told him he could move back to her home with her or I would move out, but I was unwilling for the situation to continue. I am still furious that he allowed a person with the mental acuity of a 2-yo to make decisions about our lifestyle! (Not her choice - HIS.) I also said and believe that she needs far more stimulation than we can or are willing to provide. Once I put my foot down, he began to start looking at NH and AL, and FINALLY (!!!) spoke with our next door neighbor who is an experienced care manager/cordinator at a local hospital (duh!). She is very knowledgeable about local facilities within a half-hour's drive. But he refused to speak with her until I threatened leaving.
After visiting half a dozen locations, we found an excellent one not too far away. So - we will soon be getting our lives back - but I don't know how much longer this would have continued if I hadn't insisted that things change and fast.
My advice? SET BOUNDARIES for yourself and your marriage.
You say you are doing all the housekeeping chores while she tends dad. How much care does he need? Enough that she's not able to split household chores with you? Enough that it impinge on your day to day activities and hers, leaving you both exhausted! Or is she simply wanting to spend time with her dad, and NOT with you?
The question is, does she want to remain married, is the marriage of value to her. Or is she seeking an excuse to withdraw.
This is why you need a therapist. Something is going on here that is unknowable by us, because you are not seeing what she's seeing. This has gone on as status quo for far too long. Maybe introduce her to this thread; I'd love to hear HER side of the story.