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Everybody's experience is different. And let's be careful about tossing around the phrase "filial responsibility" in a way that guilt-trips people who can't look after their parents. For example, sometimes the parent is someone with a personality disorder who has been abusive their whole lives, and it does the adult child, the elder, and all of society no favors to pressure the adult child to continue to be the butt of that abuse; other helpers are less likely to be damaged because the abuser doesn't have it in for them the same way. In that case, "filial responsibility" could mean that the adult child does what s/he can to see to it that the elder has care and a roof over their head (and even that is not necessarily in the adult child's power to accomplish)... and then the adult child's responsibility to life and the health of the whole population may actually be to stay away! I know this statement might trigger outraged sputtering about what's right and what's wrong, but remember that these principles are culturally defined and not absolute, and never black-and-white. Digging down for the best in yourself is a good thing for all of us, but the best in us may be a decision that others condemn. Let's not make each other's lives any more difficult with our judgements. As for the original poster -- get some help, get some distance, get a breath of air!
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Unfortunately for you, your story is an old one. Most family members already know the dark side of their people as they slowly move into the caregiving role, already knowing (and sometimes dreading) what they are in for. As people get older they start dropping all the social barriers they kept up when they were younger. You didn't know this so it is a bit of a shock to find out your doting Auntie had a dark side. You need to protect your self. Primary rule for caregivers is to take are of yourself first. Get help so you can get away as much as you can. Not sure how you can do that but do what you can. I agree with Nikki -- you are in over your head and are dealing with someone who is in the "narsasstic" category (look that up in other blogs on this site . . . it is the situation I'm in and there is a lot of good advice along with the pain). These kinds of people can and will 'control you' through their own manipulative means. You have to rise above that. You said you were not hateful before. Reach down and find that person again. And step back. You can control the situation and save yourself and help your Aunt at the same time. Good luck, and bless the good person you are for trying.
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That was lovely answer nikki...
apparently don't particularly think of myself as person having character, but did promise my Mum&Dad that i would not abandon them...
Your answer to "dogabone" was wonderful...
Lately have been wondering/stewing over how to make our collective experience - dogabone, yours, mine&all our families who are included in this experience - something that would focus in good way on our elders&also make it viable for those who come after us...
Am 64&have wonderful family around me...did care for my parents(90&94) by myself for best part of ten years...
There is wonderful paper regarding filial responsibility which shows benefit/s of aiding caregivers....not a ruse/not fraud...
I subsidized and so on my parents' "independence" for many years...i was/worked only as a waitress - good years it was fine, bad years&there have been many lately it was very difficult...
Not complaining have wonderful children...but some years very difficult...would love to effect helpful change for other boomers my age who work only in low income jobs...anyway...you wrote beautifully to dogabone ...i just want to help also...
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Got me going!...local, state&federal government needs to give financial help to family care givers...subsidies so that family members do not lose jobs so as to care for love ones - old or young...let us look after our Mums&Dads&our babies&children...we will save government much money...just help us....
Too late for me&mine....so many others need help&caring for their loves...will save millions$s to tax payers...
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For me, being a caregiver has helped me develop more character as a person. It has not, and is not, coming easily, but I recognize in myself that I do go deeper and am more committed, when it comes down to it, than I ever thought I could be "going in".....
Now this isn't to say my mom isn't difficult and has her quirks, but so do I. I am very close to my mom since Dad died and she moved here, so I spend a LOT of time with her, and even then I think I should be spending more since she depends on me so much. It's not mom that gets to me; it's the burden of the time chunk that I have to give. But then I realize that someday she will be gone, and I will WISH for that phone to ring.
You see, this isn't your mom.... (I realize not all caregivers are taking care of a loving parent) but this is your aunt... and I don't think you are as close to her as you would be to a mother who raised and loved you. Do you know what I mean?
I don't think (*hope*) that you 'hate' her. I think you bit off more than you could chew with a really difficult person to caregive to. I would examine my feelings and hand the ball off, slow but sure, to the professionals before you feel like you could run away or snap. I am sure ultimately you want what is best for your aunt, and for you, too. The pros are used to dealing with difficult elderly people and understand the diseases that go with the territory.
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Am sorry that you may never have privilege of this experience again...i never have had elderly parents before....apparently, this is time to learn more about life&self than before....filial responsibility for those we love&/or those who may or may not love us or may not ever have loved us...dementia&alzheimers is prevalent these days because living longer we are feeling less loved longer we live...
We won't commit loving family/relatives etc& wonder why countries are at war?...should be on everyone's lips these days: filial responsibility...nice words..:)
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When it comes to hate it's time to turn the care giving duties over to others!!
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