Hi, I live in another state and my older brother (64) lives with my Mom who is 89. He yells at her, belittles her, won't drive her to where she needs to go, etc.
My Mom won't do anything and I am scared to report my brother as I don't want to add more stress to my Mother as she is constantly stressed because of my brother. I suggested that my Mom sell her house but she is not ready to do that. Then it has been talked about me moving in with her and when my brother heard that he had a fit and screamed at my mother. I don't know what do to. Thanks, Jenna
My Mom told me that my brother said he belonged in a mental hospital (I'm sure he was joking). Once I am there I may try to get guardianship of my Mom.
Thanks again,
Jenna
I would like to spend the last years of my Mom's life with her.
Any thoughts?
Jenna
How about going to stay for a definite amount of time, say two weeks, agreed by everybody, and just seeing how it goes? That way nobody is committed to anything long term, and if it's not working you can all think again and no hard feelings. But if it is working, and it suits everyone, you can always extend the stay. Just tread carefully. Being positive and optimistic is great, and getting on better with your brother is great, too; but don't paint yourself into a corner. You need to keep your options open.
I would be very, very cautious in stepping back into the middle of their situation. You've said your brother has used physical violence on you before - even tried to strangle you. None of his grown children want anything to do with him, etc. There's a reason for that. So I'd be very, very careful about giving up your old life to rescue both of them. Your mom has proven again and again she'd rather keep your brother and his dysfunction than take any steps to a healthier existence. So just be careful for your own sake!
I did clean when I was there and help my brother with his computer problems. I feel very confused to be honest. I really don't know what to do.
Jenna
If your brother won't take any outside help, then he's not really serious about changing, in my opinion. Give him some little tests to see if he's really open to change. Ask him to do some things that would move them towards a better situation. If he won't do it, then nothing has really changed.
Thanks for opening my eyes. One of my faults is I get blindsided when people need help.
Meanwhile, although it may well be that your mother is vulnerable and needs the additional protection of someone besides your brother keeping an eye on how she is doing, that someone doesn't have to be you. There is nothing to stop you reporting your concerns to APS; but, by the way, I wouldn't include your supposition that your brother is only taking care of her because he wants her money among those concerns. How do you know what motivates him? If you tell them that, it will just sound as if you're continuing a dispute with your brother and reporting him solely to cause him trouble. So keep to the point that your mother is 85, living alone and becoming isolated, and that you're concerned that both she and your brother are under too much stress which in itself places her at risk of harm.
As soon as we walked in the door of my Mom's house my brother started screaming at my Mom and then he started to scream at me. I don't remember what he said to my Mom because I went into shock that he would even do that after my Mom spend so many hours in the ER.
He told me to get out of the house and I reminded him that it was not his house. He has these illusions that everything belongs to him as many years ago my Mom bought a store to give my brother work and when he messed that up by attacking me physically he no longer had a job. He then took my Mom to court because he believed the store belonged to him which it never did so of course he lost.
Anyway, I left that night as my Mom as well as myself became really scared of him and because it was very late I was too tired to make a long drive. I slept in a hotel.
I am now ready to call APS and a friend told me I should remain anonymous so my Mom doesn't get upset and so my brother doesn't get violent against my Mom. I'm really nervous about this but my Mom's health is getting worse with really high blood pressure and now dementia is setting in. I did some reading and read that stress can cause dementia to set in faster.
Also, before I forget when I was there my Mom asked my brother to move out and he laughed. He was on his phone with his friend (he only has one friend, he lost his other friendships because of his behavior) and he told his friend that my Mom has been asking him to move out at least 50 times. I suggested to my Mom to tell my brother that if he doesn't get out she will take him out of her will and her reply to me was she was scared he would get violent toward her.
He is really killing my Mom with all his yelling and abuse and I am so scared for my Mom. I can remain anonymous right?
Thanks, Jenna
Um. Did your brother know that you were taking your mother to the ER?
Also, my Mom rented out her basement apartment and I know the tenant hears my brother screaming at my Mom all the time as years ago I lived down there and I heard everything that went on upstairs.
Last but not least my Mom is friendly with her neighbors and one neighbor was recently inside my Mom's house to help her with her furnace and my brother kicked him out. I talked with the neighbors and they all know what's going on. Maybe I'm being stupid but I think anyone could call APS, not just me.
I have no idea how APS works, I know they investigate but can they remove my brother from my Mom's house?
Thanks again,
Jenna
As far as my Mom getting an evaluation, what kind of evaluation? She is the one who is showing serious signs of dementia and I think that's because of her hardening of her arteries and her high blood pressure.
Also, when I was there I video recorded my brother and I have a video where my Mom told my brother to move out and go live with one of his adult chldren and then my mother answered herself saying "oh, your children don't want you either"...
I wonder if my video's of my abusing brother can be useful to APS??
Thanks, Jenna
All the same. APS will certainly be able to assist your mother if *she* tells them she wants him out.
I agree with you that any one of the many people you mention could have reported the abuse. The ER nurse, in fact, will have had a professional duty to do so - but the thing is that, again, she probably didn't because she couldn't be personally sure that it was true that your brother had outright refused to take your mother. Still, she'll have made notes. It all helps.
Anyway, my Mom won't tell APS she wants him out because even though she "knows" he is abusing her she wants him to live in a place where he will be secure for lack of a better word.
I'm thinking of getting a cam set up so I can have the video's for when I'm not there. My Mom told me this morning that my brother gave it to her again and told her how much he hates her and have always hated her. He called my Mom a mental case and other names yet he has no problem sponging off of her for over 15 years.
I'm really worried about my Mom as yesterday she kept drawing blanks and this worries me. I know she is 90 and it saddens me that she is suffering from dementia. We have discussed (which she is agreeable to) her selling her house and moving to me where I can take care of her.
The only way my Mom will tell APS the truth is if they tell her that my brother will be living in a good place but I don't think that's how APS works???
Thanks, Jenna
Now - not to be mean, but your writing is very run on and misspelled in ways a nurse (RN) would not do - if you are a care aide, nurses' aide, or other health care professional, that is an entirely honorable profession in its own right, and it would be best not to misrepresent yourself as a "nurse" because it could backfire and make you less credible to the people you are going to need to help you and your mom.
So sorry you and your family are in this spot, and I genuinely hope you find help and can get your mom cared for properly.
My foster sister is a retired flight nurse who now works in another department of that same hospital. She writes practically the same way you're describing. It doesn't discredit her position or any other person who happens to be a nurse. Because of the job you don't have always have time to be prim and proper in your writing when all you have time to do is take notes in a life threatening situation on a call that you're on. When you have a nurse in the family, you learn to see past the writing errors because run-on's can actually be pretty common. Again, this does not discriminate a person's knowledge and experience as a nurse, especially where life flight careers are involved. It will be hard to understand until you either have one in the family or get to know one some other way. Another thing to expect with a flight nurse is that they tend to talk a little fast and even cut in on you. This is a sure sign that person is or was probably on a trauma team because that's what they do when dealing with a patient even in the ER where lots of chatter is pretty common among multiple workers working on a patient. This is something to get used to when you have a loved one in the profession. Yes, having a loved one in the profession comes with your ability and willingness to adapt and accept that loved one the way they are, run-on's and all. This is just part of the job and what they do when they must take notes and be quick with everything they do. Yes, everything is very fast-paced, there's off the no time to slow down in this particular profession. This is something that outsiders just need to learn to except and adapt to when they have a lump one in the profession.
I'll usually call my niece before I call a doctor!