Same story as many here. Long story short - mom released from hospital (weakness and some confusion due to low sodium). She is back to her baseline (we are now monitoring labs much more frequently). I have 2 sisters completely unwilling to help with any of mom's care. Mom is 87, I am 60 (sisters 50 and 63 both in good health and live nearby). I am now POA medical and financial (when mom can no longer make decisions for herself, and memory is slipping). Sisters hate me, so are basically punishing me through mom (by not assisting in her care). I have had to move in with mom due to sisters not helping (they were a bit prior to a family feud). It has been close to two months now that I have literally moved in night / day. I have asked for my sisters to help but they are not evening willing to spend 1 night each a week with her. Mom is able to be alone during day - she can dress herself if clothes are put out for her. She can toilet herself, make light lunch, uses walker in home and has medical alert necklace should she fall. I have recently changed professions from RN to realtor, so I am not "punching a clock" and can work a lot from (which is not easy as the TV here is on LOUD all day - fox news which is ok, but the noise level is getting to me trying to work). We have a care giver 2x week to assist showering (3-4hour blocks). I shower mom and do her "exercises" all other days - Takes a good 2-3 hours by the time she gets moving in the morning.
This is starting to take a toll on my relationship with the gentleman I was living with. I have not spent the night with him for over 2 months. My sisters have threatened me with APS if I leave mom home at night on her own. Mom is capable of being here alone during for periods of time (has the fall alert, no falls as of yet). She gets up to potty at night on own and I sleep through the night in room close by. I have not to today I had to help her at night. I am wondering why I cannot spend a night or two a week with my friend. Make sure she has her pajamas on (which she can get on), get her dinner, leave around 7 and stay till like 7am (mom gets up at 7:30). She is capable of getting her coffee in morning (if I make ahead). This would only be 2 nights a week (for my need to get out and have 2 normal nights). I would feel so guilty if she fell, but she could fall while I am in the home sleeping too. My boyfriend lives 12 minutes away - so far, he says he understands, but mom could live a long time and I doubt the relationship would last with no intimacy (my guess only). I told mom that if we need to hire additional help and sisters are NOT willing to step up so I can spend two nights with Steve. The additional $ paid for help should be taken out of their inheritance? It is not fair that I do ALL the work and they get the same amount in the end? I AM NOT trying to make this about money, but it can be a motivating factor (especially for one of my sisters that can't keep a job and is waiting for mom to die to collect her $$$ about 300K). Mom does not want to leave her home, and there is no reason with help (hired or not), mom can't stay here with her capabilities at this time. My thoughts were that if the added "hired help" was taken from their share, they might be more willing to step up and help out? Thoughts? Also, I would be willing to look into the "granny cams" if needed to monitor her whereabouts in home (mixed feelings on this as she has the medical alert button that senses falls or she can push if she falls and needs immediate medical assistance. Thanks for listening. Feels good to vent to people that UNDERSTAND what I am going through. On an added note mom cannot get out of home on own (steps she can't get down, not even with ramp as she needs walker). I feel guilty if not keeping mom active, taking her for daily walks, out to lunch/dinner, zoo, daily drives in car (she can't drive), but my life is being redefined and I am getting angry about the lack of family help.
Money is the core to this entire matter, no one wants to use the mother's money for her care, which is what the money should be used for, her care, if there is anything left fine, if not, fine too.
As for staying in her home, the problem is that elders need to be around people their own age, be able to socialize with them, yes, it is different than socializing with a younger person.
When the issue becomes all about money, no one wins including your mother.
Your sisters are not obligated to care for your mother, nor are you, no reason to give up your life for her when there are viable options.
My mother is 99 and in AL, been so for 4 years, she loves it. Your mother could live much much longer as well, do you really want to give up more years of your life being her caregiver rather than her daughter?
personally I do not regret a moment i dedicated to my mom as her caregiver. I miss her so much.
This gift of time you will receive will be your inheritance. I am 68 and I realize that you cannot get these last years of good health back. I have realized quality time is just as important as money.
So your mother should use her own money to provide for her own care. That money doesn't belong to you or your sisters at this time. It belongs to her. And it needs to be used to provide for her needs alone.
Your sister's threatening to call APS is a control tactic and trying to police you at the same time. I would not allow myself to be bullied by them making you stay twenty-four seven under your mom's thumb.
I had my sister do that to me and I should have gone to the courts and filed a restraining order to stop her from using public organizations to police me. I was working a full time job, going to school, doing all of the housework and still caught flack from someone trying to make me not have a life.
Get mom one of those devices to put around her neck to call for help if she falls. Why can't your boyfriend come visit you? Or even sit out on the porch for goodness sakes.
How old are you? Twelve? Just joking here. Your situation sounds so much like the control freaks I dealt with. Eventually, I had my sister placed in a beautiful group home and got the heck out of dodge. I got tired of family trying to police my every move. I was only let out of the dungeon to go to work and back home.
Please take your Mom for a hearing test and get her hearing aids. I told my Mom, when it became apparent that I was needing to talk loudly to her (and she often accusing me of "not telling" her stuff), that she had to get hearing aids because I wasn't going to shout stuff to her in private -- and public -- and that hearing loss is very isolating for her. Your Mom has no idea how bad her hearing is until she puts them in for the first time, so don't accept any pushback about it. Even if it's not you providing her daily care, she will benefit greatly from having corrected hearing (and it's also for her safety).
Your sisters are not obligated to help care for your Mom, a completely separate issue from inheritance. Inheritance issues ruin many a relationship and causes caregivers to possibly make unwise decisions. I agree with BarbBrooklyn that you are the PoA and only do what is in your Mom's best interests as long as it is not onerous to you, her caregiver. If it's onerous to you, then the arrangement isn't working and you will burn out.
Give up expecting any help from your sisters and use your Mom's money (and their "inheritance") to pay for her excellent care and to free you up to have your relationship with your guy, as he is really your priority if it's a serious relationship.
Use Mom's money for Mom's care needs and housing.
See an Elder Law attorney to work up a caregiving contract while mom is still competent to sign one.
You can however go to a lawyer who specializes in elder law and estate planning and ask if you can start being paid for your service to your mother now. Do not have her Will changed. So if your mother passes into God's mercy in her home and not a nursing home everyone's inheritance will be equal and yet fair. Fair in that you will be paid for your service to her aside from what your inheritance will be.
Why should your sisters who do nothing inherit free and clear but you should have to earn yours? No.
You should make it very plain to your sisters that you are the one who is making their potential inheritance possible because you are the one keeping your mother out of a care facility.
Please visit a lawyer and make sure that you get treated fairly.
If the OP laid down the ultimatum to her siblings of either help out or I put mom in a nursing home and it will be ZERO inheritance for all of us, they will probably get very reasonable very quickly.
If mom is cognizant she can sign a Caregiver Contract and you can get paid (from her assets).
I hope the caregivers that come a few times a week also get paid from moms assets.
The goal here is that when mom dies all her assets have been used for her care so there is no inheritance.
If the siblings understand that moms assets are being used and they are wanting an inheritance you can add them as caregivers and they also can get paid to hep care for mom.
Your other option is
Get your life back. Convince mom that you can no longer safely care for her and that she needs Assisted Living (you do not mention dementia so I am going AL rather than MC)
Use moms assets to pay for AL. If necessary sell her house and that also can be used to pay for AL.