Can I just say no?

This thread has brought tears to my eyes. Aqua, you are amazing! Fellow posters, you are amazing, too.

Absolutely you have my permission to just say NO!!! NO MORE!!! You go live your life. Please do...move & get a job you like & have roommates &/or friends if necessary. I wish I was 27 ...even 37 ...I’m 60 caring for 92 yo mother with dementia. Doesn’t walk & I discharged her from SNF 2 years & 4 months ago against advice of all staff there. My mother’s new pet name for me is ugly dog face. She is an abusive bully. Before this disease, we were mother & daughter who lived together & went on vacation together. My father passed away from myelodisplastic anemia 27 years ago at age 76. Mom & I clung too close. Brother had his own family & career. Enough about me....don’t get yourself in a self imposed prison. Hugs 🤗

SHE CRUSHED IT!

Crushing it is a common expression used when someone is doing their job particularly well, or exceeding all of their goals. Unlike the the literal definition of the word “crush” (to destroy with force to the point of injury), “crushing it” has an extremely positive connotation.

Hey, Aquacrush ...

Coming in late. Just please know ... I. Am. PRRROOOUUUD of you!

HUZZAH!!!

That is way to much to put on one person, if your not the legal guardian and you have a another place to live, I would advise to run. please also if you can talk to a lawyer that your family has no contact with.

if you can find another safe place to stay (which is really hard in a lot of places) don't stay where your at. they will just use you like a slave and leave you with out nothing after there done. they'll use you as free slave labor if you don't get out of that situation. At first they might seem nice and say what a good job your doing (when there in need of free labor that is) then all of a sudden without warring your "family" turns against you and spreads lies about you and then everyone in your family treats you bad and before you know your trapped.
They will start to control everything in your life or try to, thus the trap.
Don't worry if someone is not there caring for a elderly person, I think aps will come and find care for the person, but they will decide who is the guardian and who makes all the decisions they might put her in a nursing home but
your mother could just suddenly decide to do that anyway.

if your mother is the guardian legally, if she leaves your grandmother, then that
will be considered abandonment. Since your mother is the POA then she has full legal responsibility. You don't have legal responsibility, therefore they can't force you to stay.


If you didn't not want to move and you have other means of income, I would suggest you get a setter (if you can find one) that is on your side no matter what.


If you do leave which legally you can (but it might be impossible) your not legally responsible since your not the guardian, however I am not to sure of this but I think, once your financially stable and have a your own home that is safe for your grandmother, and show that you can care for her then you might could try to go back and fight in court to be your grandmothers POA. if you want to when your financially stable enough, you can hire in home care for your grandmother. however your mother might not give up the having the POA but if you want when you have a home and are financially stable, you can ask your mother for the POA or fight for POA.
good luck to you!

Super proud of and happy for you!

Run for your life

Hey Aquacrush-
Good for you!
Your Grandma needs care that you cannot provide. If you were care giver for your entire family since age 11 - time to check out!!!
Hospital will make sure Grandma is properly placed and you MUST get on with your own life or you will drown. Also since you are not POA it is not legally your responsibility.
Good for you for reaching out to your friends and they are making a private space for you in their home.
I agree with all the commentators here. It does not mean you do not love your Grandma if you leave. She will get the correct care and the hospital has to set that up. And you can always visit her there. Just because you do not live with her does not mean you no longer love her or care for her.
You are wise to investigate the legal aspect of moving ASAP.
When the hospital thinks there is someone home, they will send the person home.
You are not the POA and so LEAVE. You are correct to send a letter stating you can no longer care for her properly. If you get too stressed out or ill - hey - simple as that - how can you care for her? You are saying the truth - this is too much for you physically and also medically. They will just dump it on you. They really don’t care about your welfare.
Just get out and live your own life.
I have to say, I have given care to many relatives in my life. When people become accustomed to you “being around” for that, it will always be assumed you will continue in that role.
What would happen if you needed care? Who would be there for you? Sounds like no one.
27 is not too late for a restart at all. You can stay with your friend and his Dad. I am sure they will be thrilled with one home cooked meal a week It sounds like they are busy, hardworking men who will hopefully respect your privacy too. Personally, I am absolutely sure they will be happy to have such a fine person as yourself in their home and it is generous of them to offer you a place.
As soon as you get a job, just keep on your own path and move forward. I do not know what type of career or education you have, but it certainly sounds like you are a very capable and hardworking young lady. I am sure whatever you dream of you can accomplish.
Be proud of all you have done for your family. That is a GREAT thing you have done for them. Never forget it, even if they do.
I was a caregiver for many years and when the time came for someone to help me, no family in sight except for one elderly relative who I had helped many times.
She remembered, but no one else remembered or now remembers any good deeds I did for them in the past.
So YOU remember it and don’t let them send you on a guilt trip over it.
Go Aquacrush!
Please keep is posted!

Life brings each of us many challenges. Your challenge in this life right now is to stand up for yourself. Meet that challenge!

First of all it is not true that the hospital only will care for her for 21 days. Hospitals try to say this but they may not discharge a person unless there is a care plan in place. If they say she has to leave the hospital you have a right to appeal this decision. If she cannot be alone, can't take care of herself, and you cannot do this, there is no way they can force you to do so. Sounds like your mother (PoA) may not want to spend your grandmother's money on care so she wants you to step in. (Q: Why doesn't she?) Just say no, don't be pushed around or manipulated by people who take advantage of your sympathy for your grandmother.

On the other hand it's not true that you have no say in your grandmother's situation. You can contact Adult Protective Services and your county Ombudsman and report that the PoA may not be acting in the best interests of her mother because she will not make arrangements for your mother to be cared for post-discharge. I believe she'd be better off in a nursing home than with homecare because home care aides are notoriously irresponsible when it comes to being attentive to the needs of persons with dementia.

Do you have a support network? Sounds like you need a caregivers' support group. Good luck.

Nope. Stand up for yourself and move on. Grandma is not your responsibility. Yes, you may get unpleasant or nasty reactions from others. Hold your head high and give yourself a new start. You are worth it. PLEASE believe all the advice and support of what others here have told you. When you are 50 and look back, you will never regret doing what is best for you.

I haven’t read everyone’s answers but that first one was spot on! At 27 you should be in the work force earning social security towards your retirement and putting money into a savings vehicle. You need to start now. Your mom as POA needs to figure it out and stop using you. Shame on her for not caring about your future.

You can say NO. And loudly.
No one can force anyone to care for another.
You need to tell the doctors, social workers that you are unable to care for her full time and that the matter should be discussed with the POA,
It might be that you need to step away for a bit let your mom take charge (and from your previous posts I am using that term loosely) when things seem like they are getting a bit worse contact Protective Services and they will step in. For you to step away for a bit might mean having to go away for a bit. (visit a friend). And you might have to do this while she is still in rehab.
Unfortunately sometimes a catastrophic event must occur before things change

I'm a RN and caregiver. If mom has POA then get out NOW while you have the chance. Once you get POA then you are the responsible party. NOW. Move, say No and mean it. As a nurse and caregiver to my mother, I am 67 , it does give me a sense of purpose , but I'm much older. LIVE! get a husband, a kid , a career a life, do not spend it on your grandma unless you want to be saddled for years. Once grandma goes, then mom is next. Get it?

Yes, you absolutely can say no. You must not sacrifice your life for Grandma or the rest of your abusive sounding family - they realize they can guilt you into doing this. You MUST put them on notice, after you pack up and find another place to live...you deserve happiness and to live as a young person does. And the years fly by, secure your own future now. Let go of the guilt...it’s ok. And remember it doesn’t mean you don’t love her, but you have to let go. Be well.

This reminded me of the time my mom (who was in her 70's and not well, probably had undiagnosed Parkinson’s at the time—later was diagnosed), was told she would be responsible to care for her elderly sister in her 90's whose body was literally shutting down. She had been in assisted living not far from my mom and was moved to the hospital due to her medical conditions. Mom called me in near tears to say that she was being told by the hospital staff and the folks at the A.L. that she would have to take her sister home to her house to care for her.

I immediately contacted the hospital Social Worker and explained that my mom was not well herself, and could in no way care for her sister at the level of care that would be required. They needed to figure something else out if they planned to release her. My aunt never was released to my mom’s care as they had supposedly planned. She was still at the hospital becoming weaker and weaker, and she eventually died there. I don’t know how many days total she was hospitalized, but I do know that a person can say “no” in good conscience when asked to care for a loved one.

You’re the same age as my middle daughter. Never would I want her to care for her frail, dementia, brittle-diabetic grandma (who does deserve great care, better than what I or my daughter could provide)! Of course, I’m coming from a totally different background and mental capacity than your own mom (so sorry about her lack of love and care for you).

Get on with your life! As many posters have stated it, you will show your greatest love to your grandma by having her cared for by others. (It likely will not be care provided by your mom, and that’s good—even though she is POA.) You cannot be forced to provide care. Social services can get her placed. The hospital will work with this once they know there is no one at home to care for grandma.

Please let us know how you are. Hugs from a mom with a 27 year old daughter!

Yes. You can ALWAYS say NO.
No ifs, ands or buts about it. We have free choice and can always say no.

If your mother is threatening to have you arrested, then she IS NOT your friend and you need to STAY AWAY from her.

Every answer here is the same- move out, and do it now. You are not responsible for Grandmas care. It does not mean you love her less. In fact, it may be the best thing you can do for her. No grandmother would want her granddaughter to stop her life to care for her. Go out, live your life. Don’t forget to visit her but you’ve done enough. It’s time your Mother took her POS seriously and found an answer for Grandmas care that is not you. God knows you’ve earned a life of your own. Good luck. And don't feel guilty. You need to be proud that you have given 16 years to caregiving-more than most people do in their entire lives.

Can they really dump full responsibility on me with no recourse? NO THEY CANNOT. Remind them that because your not your grandmother's POA there's nothing you can do to help her. Move out! Now!

OP replied on the 17th that she made everyone involved, even the hospital, that she will not be caring for her grandma. She has also found a place to live with friends.

Yes. You have every right to walk. I'd be looking for your own place. Do you have a full time job? If not I'd be getting one asap.
Tell them you are not doing this. You are the boss of your own life not the reverse. Stand firm and strong and do not budge.
Now, on the flip side of things.
IF you do not have a job and you're freeloading off of Grandma living there for free, snarfing her food and doing a bunch of nothing, you either need to get your SH*T together and help or get your SH*T together and leave.
I hope you are the former and not the ladder.
This will only happen if you let it. Now you go girl!

PLEASE READ THE UPDATE:

Aquacrush
Jul 17, 2019
Not sure how else to update, so I guess this is as good as any. 

I honestly wish I could thank everyone who responded individually, but I wouldn't know what to say except thank you a million times over. I was crying yesterday reading everyone's replies, and felt a glimmer of freedom for the first time in so many years. Everyone's advice and strength gave me hope.

I called a family friend who is a notery, and explained the situation. With their help I drafted, and had noterized, several dated copies of a letter stating that I was no longer physically or mentally capable of caring for my grandma. That I felt, with the dramatic change in her health, it was a very unsafe situation, and that releasing her back to her home, would be very dangerous as she would be there alone. 

Luckily the laws here provide me some protection (because I have lived there for more than 2 years) and I added that I would be moved out within 3 weeks. This allows me to at least have several applications/interviews lined up, if not a job by the time I leave. 

I gave one copy to my mother (suprised pikachu face meme), one to the hospital my grandma is currently in, and one to the facility they were originallu going to send her to. I also kept a copy for myself, along with 1 extra copy incase it is needed later for a different facility/ lawyer (yes even after all this the threats of neglect contenue) 

The ensuing chaos has admittedly given me some form of grim satisfaction, as the facility they were originally going to send her to was short term only, and cannot accept her without a home care plan. The hospital is now forced to look into other options, and has already contacted my mother about medicaid, assests, ect. 

I know one person asked about assests as well, wondering if maybe my mother was after some of her belongings/ money. I can honestly say she has next to nothing. She gets around $1000 a month in social security, no other retirement fund, and a mobile home as old as I am that has fallen into disrepair over the years (nothing unsafe/ unsanitary, just normal old trailer wear/ tear) she does have a life insurance policy, with me as sole beneficiary, but does not come to full term until next year (I have already checked with them and one of the conditions of her policy is that if she is placed in LTC, it is considered paid) and from what I was told, cannot be taken by medicaid because it is not "real or personal property" 

I stayed with the friend I will be living with, and had a long discussion with him and his family. We have been close for almost 10 years, and his family is amazing to me. His dad is happy that I will be staying, and joked that I could live there for the rest of my life, in exchange for one homecooked meal a week. (he and his dad both work with heavy machinery/ mobile cranes and work insane hours, mostly living off fast food/ microwavables.) They are setting up two/ three rooms for me, a bedroom, plus a spare room for an office/ art room/ ect of my choosing, connected by a bathroom inbetween them. 

I am overwelmed by everyone's kindness and advice. I know I still have a long road ahead, both in looking for a job and moving, as well as re-learning many social skills and reforming a support system. I hope that over time I can move past this, that my grandma will forgive me, and that I can learn to live normally, away from the entitled, hectic world I have known for so long.

Thank you again so much for all of your love and advice, and I will update again when I am able/ if something new happens.

Helpful Answer (33)

Grandchildren are not responsible for caring for their grandparents when the children (your mother) is still alive and has POA. It's OK for you to tell your mother that you would like to move on with your life. Hopefully you can visit your grandmother for social visits. I know you will help out if you can, but you are not the one who has primary responsibility.

Aquacrush, your awesome updates literally made me cry. Reading the "plot" unfold was like watching a suspenseful, tension-filled movie where the heroine battles through and bursts forth triumphantly FREE, and all of us still "imprisoned" wildly cheer for her successful escape!!! Cheering for YOU!!! May you have many strong and brave and wonderful days and years ahead! A HUGE bear hug from here!

No one can force you. Don't worry about that. O f course they can guilt trip you, and make you feel obligated. I think maybe you should talk to your mother and work something our. It's her mother and she is POA. This is her responsibility. Good luck.

This is not selfish! It is self-preservation. Seriously. And who said you could be arrested for not doing this? That is absolutely not true; it's one of those "I can't believe someone would stoop so low as to say that" moment !!!

Wow, aqua crush! The youth of a 27-yr. old with the kindness, caring and wisdom of someone much older. Congratulations and have a happy life!!!

Completely, 100%, your choice.

Follow your dreams, do what brings you joy and care for others only when it is your idea.

Move out now! Move out before the 21 days are up. Go visit friends or take a road trip..if you have a car & gas money.

If there is no one at home things will change. If competant, your GM can refuse discharge & appeal to Medicaid Ombudsman that they want to discharge her into an unsafe environment.

I used to bring alcoholics to ER for admission to rehab. If we stayed, as soon as their blood alcohol dropped they would discharge to me..the ride provider...not admit. One time we took...with patients knowledge..their boots and left. Hard to justify discharging a person in mid-winter at 3am with no shoes. She got admitted.

This is an analogy bit it works. I had sudden onset kidney disease, level 3, & they were going to send me home on diuretics. I refused based on it being unsafe. I was so swollen I could barely move, much less rush to the bathroom in the middle of the night....plus my leg was in an orthopedic boot. The head ER doc was greatly relieved as he saw how sick I was. Based on what happened in the following week, I would have died had I gone home.

Our system wants to dump the seriously ill on anyone with a pulse because if they don't, they legally Must keep her until she is safe to go home alone and care for herself.