Can we really start again? Build a new life after the storm of caregiving.

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Can we really start again? Build a new life after the storm of caregiving.

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It's almost 4 years since my mother passed from vascular dementia aged 106 on a cold afternoon in December. It was a great relief for me, and, I think, for her. She was ready to go and I last saw her with a small smile on her face. I had been caregiving in one sense or another most of my life due to my mother's mental illness - Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism.

I find I am grieving a bit this year, probably because I am moving from my family home of the last 40+ years as well as remembering the years and years of difficult family relationships and very stressful caregiving. No more "crazy" phone calls, demanding emails, subtle and not so subtle put downs, rantings and ravings about my shortcomings. I know many of you get it.

My father died many years ago and that marked the end of any caring nuclear family. He was a nurturer. My mother died nearly 4 years ago. and once the estate was settled I cut contact with my sister. I recall very few kind words from my mother or my sister - ever. My sister smiled then stabbed me with a sharp remark. "What did you ever do to help mother!" This after several years of me being POA financial and medical, moving mother a number of times, dealing with problems at the facilities she was in and her progressing dementia. During one visit my sister made to a new facility she asked me if I had seen mother's room. I said, "Yes, who do you think moved the furniture and set it up?" She just looked blank. Never a thank you for what I did.

In some ways the slate has been wiped clean, although the traces of the past are still with me. I have worked hard to overcome and heal from the hurts, the dysfunctional ways of coping, the anxiety. The past is fading, slowly, but it is fading.

Can we really start again?

Family Caregiver Mental Health Relationships

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I think a lot of elderly care issues among family can be summed up by the old saying "you can forgive but never forget". I have forgiven my mother, my brothers and a couple other family members. I did for my own peace of mind, but I can't ever forget the things they said and did over the years.

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I have forgiven too, but some things seem to be hard to forget.

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Your words touch me deeply. You went through so much. And you helped so much.

Your mom was similar to my mom: abusive, critical, put-downs…

I’m still caregiving, so I’m not where you are right now. Your question is: Can we really start again?

YES.

YOU WILL and YOU CAN.
The best is ahead of you, waiting for you!

…Heal.
…Meet great, kind people.
…Having wonderful people in one’s life makes all the difference.
…ELIMINATE BAD PEOPLE in your life, also from the internet.

What you kick out of your life is important too, just as much as what you keep in your life.

YOU’LL BUILD A GREAT, NEW LIFE.

People often think “this or that” is impossible, until someone achieves it and shows it’s totally possible.

:)

One also needs luck.
HERE IS LUCK your way :).

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That was a great pep talk. We can't choose our family but we can choose our friends and we meed to choose supportive ones. Your time will come.

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Yes, but it will be different. Sometimes that's a good thing. No more pretense, no putting up with family members who backbite and lie. No more family dinners where we have to keep the peace with people who speak and act outrageously. Don't just wipe the old slate, get a new one and draw pretty flowers on it with colored chalk! Did you know that you can digitally crop mean family members out of old photos? It's really good therapy.

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No more family "occasions". What a relief!!!! Digitally cropping out certain family members. That might be fun. I like the idea of a new slate and drawing flowers on it.

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Yes you can and I plan to once I'm finally free!

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I am so glad, Mikurotoro. The relief is enormous.

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Golden, HUGS!

40 years has a whole lot of memories attached.

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Yes it certainly does. Good ones and bad ones and in-between ones. I'll take the good ones with me and some of the others will crop up no doubt. One thing I have found after a major life event is that you need to build new memories and I plan on doing that - new ones and good ones!

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I think you may find this book to be of help to you as you start over with healing and building a new life after the storm of caregiving: Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, by David Kessler

https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-Sixth-Stage-Grief/dp/1501192744/ref=sr_1_17?crid=3QZGFQFZ1FR8U&keywords=elisabeth+kubler+ross+and+david+kessler&qid=1668550952&sprefix=elisabeth+kubler+ross+and+david+kessler%2Caps%2C129&sr=8-17

In this groundbreaking and “poignant” (Los Angeles Times) book, David Kessler—praised for his work by Maria Shriver, Marianne Williamson, and Mother Teresa—journeys beyond the classic five stages to discover a sixth stage: meaning.

In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first identified the stages of dying in her transformative book On Death and Dying. Decades later, she and David Kessler wrote the classic On Grief and Grieving, introducing the stages of grief with the same transformative pragmatism and compassion. Now, based on hard-earned personal experiences, as well as knowledge and wisdom gained through decades of work with the grieving, Kessler introduces a critical sixth stage: meaning.

Kessler’s insight is both professional and intensely personal. His journey with grief began when, as a child, he witnessed a mass shooting at the same time his mother was dying. For most of his life, Kessler taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about end of life, trauma, and grief, as well as leading talks and retreats for those experiencing grief. Despite his knowledge, his life was upended by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son. How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth stage of grief—meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss.

*****************************************************

I also think that many times we have to reinvent ourselves after we spend decades in a caregiving role. We turn into a different person as a caregiver, and after the loved one dies, we find ourselves saying, "Now what?" As much as a 'slate is wiped clean', we are a cumulative collection of memories & experiences we've undertaken in the past, all making us into who and what we are TODAY. If we're left with dysfunctional ways of coping with stress, and suffering from anxiety afterwards, then we have to find ways to alleviate that stress and actively work on finding new and healthy coping mechanisms vs. ones that self-harm (my personal favorites :( )

Wishing you the best of luck reinventing yourself as you move through a new phase of life and come out better and stronger for it in the end, Golden. God bless.

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We do need to reinvent ourselves and I have been working on that and am very close to being ready to move on. For me it was not just the last years of caregiving but also the lifetime of having to relate to a mentally ill mother and sister. Not having to do that is like stepping through a door out of a stale room into fresh air. I can breathe.
Meaning I have always had. The hardest grief I had was losing my youngest son. I learnt a lot about loss and recovery from loss from that. You do change as you heal. If you don't cave in you become stronger.

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When 40 years of problems end, there is still a mountain of memories left in your past. Trying to forget them leaves a huge hole in the memories of your life. The best way to deal with this is to fill the hole up with exciting new memories. It’s easier said than done when you are 80, but here are a few ideas. Perhaps other posters can add a few more.

1) Google for a tour company that specialises in holidays for the elderly. Perhaps one that takes you to NY, you all stay in the same hotel, and are ported around to theaters, galleries and tourist sites. I’d be surprised if no-one taps this market.

2) Find a school or college that is training kids to make amateur movies (very common around here). Offer to be the ‘talent’ for the elderly role. Even if you mostly sit in a chair, being on site with all those young people is going to be different - especially when things go wrong. Brace yourself for the language.

3) Book a holiday in a foreign country, get ‘A Room with a View’ of something nice, and get yourself immersed in the foreign culture. Hire a day-time excursion companion to show you around – not just the tourist things, to see the other side of life, meet their family and see how they live. One of the maids at the hotel might give you an introduction. It can be an eye opener into a different life.

The point is, don’t sit in the same place thinking about the past. If you come up with other ideas, why don’t you post them for comment, too?

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Just for interest, this was based on a book I read long ago about how to get over a disastrous break-up (aka end of marriage – ‘you’re so strong, she needs me more than you do’). I just tried to modify to a different type of hole in your life...

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I was a fairly new member here when your mother's passing occurred. I can still remember your posts from that time and admired your strength. Hearing the age of 106 created a panic within me.

My mother is 92. She is bedridden in SN. I am an only child. While I may not have had the extent of your difficulties I have had many and I guess each of us lives our life with the entensity of the past we have endured. My mother had periods of time throughout my childhood where she was basically in bed. There are so many other issues I have dealt with. I never thought she would live this long given how she chose many unhealthy choices for many years. These choices have burdened me as she chose not to seek medical treatment for me when I was young due to her belief in Christian Science. I had great resentment at that and have felt that her choice with this religion caused further difficulty with her health yet she lives on greatly compromised. I have guilt with these thoughts at times but I am so emotionally exhausted with her care. I know it is not in my home but I do visit and am witness to a very slow decline.

Anyway I have admired your advice given to others and sympathize with your difficult family situation. You certainly are deserving of a positive change and I hope you can arrive at that physical and emotional state for your future.

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I panicked as each year over age 100 went by too! You certainly had your share of dysfunction and hurt. and caregiving, even not at home, is exhausting. The positive change is happening. The context of "Can we really start again? was a visual I had of sig other and I driving away from this place into newness. It seemed unreal thus, "Can it really happen?"

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Hi Riverdale, nice to see you.

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I think we owe to ourselves to live the best possible life post caregiving.
I read somewhere and I am paraphrasing: what we do post caregiving until the end of time perhaps is the most important part of life, as we have to overcome so many struggles.
As we faced so many obstacles and set backs and baggage we accumulated, it is all not easy.
As Margaret suggested great trip or trips.
Would put some distance between past experiences and return of sense of adventure.
I would suggest my favourite city Marrakesh, Morocco, perhaps too far, especially with all airlines troubles lately.
Merida, Mexico on Yucatan is beautiful city, lots of Canadians, I know more than 15-20 who are planning winter there I would join them as I did before if I could. My GF 84, goes every year. Theaters, concerts, activities, markets, great culinary experiences and lots of tours outside of the city.
There is tours for older travellers, even for people with mobility issues, I found one for hubby and I, Machu Picchu, we always wanted to climb it. Well, not that easy anymore or even possible for him.
But even Canadian Rockies by train tour would be great!
Imagine a week or more from Banff to Vancouver or opposite.
I would still take Orient Express, Paris to Istanbul.
If I was post caregiving I would purchase ticket around the world, see where it takes me. I wonder if they still have them?

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Agreed, and as much as possible also during caregiving. I've always wanted to visit Morocco but not sure sig other would, He favours Mexico and I am open to that. I travelled a lot and lived over seas when when I was younger so don't feel the need as much as I otherwise might. We had a number of great trips north and west (Yukon and BC) and one to the Bahamas during caregiving and I have lovely memories of them and hope to do more of the same. We are of like mind regarding the trip through the Rockies. It would be awesome. Orient express - oh, my yes!!! Lots of adventures out there.

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Thank you all for the support. This is quite a transition for me. I will answer each post but not right now in the middle of my night! lol Hugs and blessings to everyone. 🤗🙏

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I've never been a fan of the terms 'starting again' or 'starting over'. To me it just puts too much pressure on a person. Really when you think of it there's no way to 'start again' because no one can change the past and I find it's best not to try and ignore it like so many people do. All of us have writing on our slates. No slate is clean and can never be. This is what has shaped us into who we are.
When you have negative emotions and painful memories come up, let them come. Don't try to push them down or put them out of your mind. Let them come and then let them go. Your siblings are not going to change how they think and what they believe. You can change how you interact and respond to them and can even choose to not interact or respond to them at all. That's within your power to do.
You're done with caregiving and now it's time for you to make a different life for yourself with you at the center of it. No one can 'start over' because everything that's ever been in our lives is what makes us who we are.
Change the things within your power to change. Accept those things that you have no power over. Have the wisdom to know the difference.
Good luck to you in making your different life. You will do well, I am sure. L'chaim! (To Life. Cheers!).

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They are happening - the changes. Of course the past cannot be erased. I have spent a lot of time and energy throughout my life processing my way through the messes that went on in my family of origin. Since mother passed I have cut contact with my sister. All that is over now, though still, sometimes, there is a need to process feelings, but less and less. It feels new and good and hopeful to have a life without the mentally ill people that I had to cope with. In that sense I have a fresh slate to write on. Or perhaps a fresh page in the book of my life.

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Golden, I found this useful. I may have shared it before, but it's worthwhile checking it out again as we journey:

https://www.ncfr.org/ncfr-report/focus/family-focus-aging/four-phases-aging-beyond-erikson-s-integrity-versus-despair

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It's interesting. The thing about caregiving and about dysfunctional relationships in general is that they mess with our opportunities to re-evaluate, liberate, sum up, and be creative, or however you want to express these ideas. Caregiving is not a mellowing experience or even a particularly meaningful experience at the time. In retrospect it may be once we are recovering. And recover we do if we survive. I actually don't know if I want to mellow. lol.

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Every morning when I wake up, I start over.

I think people like you, Golden, can start again, start over, and keep going.
Because you have worked hard, and allow the past to fade.

Re-visiting history can make me sad, as if it has just happened, not 30 years ago.

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Yes, each morning is new. I get that revisiting history isn't fun and I can get thrown back too. I think they call it PTSD flashbacks. But they are temporary and then life goes on. There are several ways to tend a garden - as well as puling the weeds, you need to cultivate and nourish the flowers. The stronger and healthier the flowers are, the harder it is for the weeds to survive. Here's to growing more and more flowers!

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Golden,

I think you can. Think positive every morning when you wake up that you can. Tell yourself that you did the best you could, and then let go. You did what you could, you loved and cared for someone outside of yourself. You became the parent to the parent, and that was not your responsibility. You did a good job - end of topic.
I hope you say to yourself tomorrow when you wake up, I'm a good person and I did what I could do in a hard/difficult situation. Then move on with your day. I struggle everyday with the things I could do better, don't we all?

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Thank you. I think so too. There is always the inner critic to deal with but that is fading too. Yes, we all struggle with that. We all feel we fall short at times and that's being human.

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Thank you for your words Golden, I think they resonate with many of us in some way. I was blessed with great parents, but certainly not perfect as none of us are. The main issues in our family dynamics came from a sibling of mine that my parents never would deal with his undiagnosed mental illness. They would both quietly and privately acknowledge it was there, but so feared him being “stigmatized” that they spent their lives, especially my dad did, bailing him of of messes, defending him, coddling him, and caving to him in every way. The message was always “just keep the peace” no matter the cost. I can’t count the number of temper tantrums, both adolescent and adult, the dinners ruined, the strained family events, the lists goes on and on. We all tiptoed around his moods and behaviors because that’s what my parents did. When life brought caregiving, he was impossible and just awful as it cut into his time and asked more of him than he wanted to give. He got meaner and more demanding. The last few weeks of my dad’s life he was beyond cruel to me. If I told him that today, I swear he’d look at me blankly and be completely oblivious to it. So, today, minus our parents, we are a fractured sibling group, not very close at all. We speak on the phone occasionally, make no real attempt to see each other, and are minimally involved in each other’s lives. I miss the closeness of family and the good times of younger days. But I don’t miss the drama and the strain, at all. I’m continually working to build new relationships and strengthen the ties with my adult children. You’re correct, the healing comes and the past fades. Hopefully, we are wiser for it

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I totally get your relationship with your mentally ill brother and the family denial. I too am building a better and better family unit with my kids and grands, and reaching out to new or rediscovered friends. We are, most of us, converging to settle in or near one city, not entirely by chance, and we look forward to this next phase in our lives where we will be close enough for family gatherings again. My dd has already learned the route to my upcoming new home - the condo - and ascertained that there is visitor parking! I hope we are the wiser too and more careful of what truly matters.

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wishing you a great new start!!

“trust the magic of new beginnings!”

❤️

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My trust is not in magic but I appreciate your wish.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

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Absolutely you can have productive life after all the caregiving, grief, and loss, just as a different person than you were. But isn’t that what life is, adjusting to change? So, make the holidays great without the family that is gone from you. New traditions, new menus, new outlook, as a new person. I am preaching to myself as I have suffered the family loss, but get around people even if you are alone, go to the restaurant, shops, church etc. Life is good, please find comfort in other people. Hugs!!

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love your answer. useful for me too! :)

i like this:
“So, make the holidays great without the family that is gone from you. New traditions, new menus, new outlook, as a new person.”

:)

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golden23,

I am sorry for all the years of pain and dysfunction you've experienced. I feel fairly certain in saying that part of what you are grieving is your loss of so many years of being unable to live for your own self.

What has helped me to get over huge life hurdles has been working with a couple of good Psychologists during different phases of life. I'd suggest that you seek help with your healing and not continue to go it alone.

Yes, you can start fresh and begin to find joy in life. Begin by giving yourself permission to do so; nobody else but your father ever gave you that and he did the nurturing for you because your mother never did and was cruel; your sister took her lead.

Please seek grief counseling and begin to shed the burdens you've carried for too long.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

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Thing is I did live for my own self to degree and fought to do so. That didn't take away all of the pain caused by mentally ill family members. What I am grieving is leaving my home of 40+ years, and yes, also the losses of having a dysfunctional family of origin which coloured my life more that I would have liked. We agree in the value of counselling. I have had have counselling off and on all my adult life and have benefitted from it. As I said, "The past is fading", but it is not gone altogether and I still have moments of painful recollection. Maybe I always will. Perhaps I misrepresented myself - I do have joy in life most of the time, but not all of the time. I am more than ready to move onto this next phase in my life. At 85 I am a senior senior, and that takes some adjusting to as well, but overall life is good and close relationships are better than ever.

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Caregiving grief is what I call this. Sometimes you will feel sad and it may take months to grieve through the majority of your feelings. This is your mind and body cleansing itself after years of pent up anger, hurt and pain. Caregivers are placed in this position of not being able to acknowledge their own feelings and anger to risk upsetting others. Family members can be full of criticism towards the one person who assumes the majority or all of the responsibility for an ill family member. People who act in this manner are trying to eleviate their guilt by nitpicking the one who is doing the work. The person who does nothing is the one who has the most to say. I tend to ignore these people. It can hurt.

Fill up your days with fun activities. Resume your hobbies that you have put on hold. Organize your life in a way that benefits you.

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I hear you and it does hurt, but it didn't start with caregiving, it just continued. It started in childhood - being scapegoated for whatever was wrong. Not having mentally ill family members in my life is a BIG change that has only happened in the last few years. It is an enormous relief and to some extent still "unreal" if that makes any sense. Hence my question, "Can we really start again?" I guess I already did when I cut contact with my sister. I didn't put anything on hold, but had a life separate from them, even though it was seriously negatively affected by them. I worked hard to have a life and be myself. That didn't take away the pain of the toxic family relationships. I like your phrase "caregiver grief". Fun activities - my reality - I am 85 and have chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia and am packing up a 6 bedroom house so I can sell and move. A fun activity is getting out of bed in the morning and not hurting. Well, not quite. I look forward to dinner theatre and family get togethers once I have moved and possibly a few trips with my sig other.

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You have to forgive in order to move on and heal.
You do not have to tell your sister that you forgive her, she probably has no clue as to what you are forgiving her for.
In your mind and heart let go of the all the hurt. The hurt from your mom and your sister.
You move on from there.
It is not easy to forgive you do not have to forget just do not let it smolder. Things left smoldering can reignite without you realizing what is happening. When that happens you get burned again.
This is a great time of year to seek a therapist if you want. Just talking to an impartial 3rd party can help you finish wiping that slate. (think about the White Boards that always have a ghost of what was written before unless you use a "special cleaner" to remove that as well)
((hugs))

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Agreed - forgiving is necessary for healing and, for me, it is a process that I have been working on and is not yet complete. I have been seeing a counsellor the past few years and off and on before that. I find my sister harder to forgive than my mother. From childhood I forgave and forgave mother. It was a necessary part of life in my family of origin. I understood my mother's mental illness long before I understood my sister's which is probably why I am still a work in progress with regards to her. It isn't easy. My sister's betrayals were more subtle so harder to recognize. But healing is happening.

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I hope so - my Dad is still alive but my sister kidnapped him after 10 years of me living with him . I wonder the same ? Once he passes there will no longer be a relationship with this greedy person but I am angry . Angry I took care of 4 people in the last 7 years . I wish you healing on your journey .

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I understand your anger and hope you are healing too from your caregiving journey. I am still angry at my sister and still coming to terms with it At least since I cut contact the toxic relationship is over. and it's only the past to deal with. Wishing you well.

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Golden, I admire your attitude so much.

Finding a life beyond your dysfunctional family of origin, cutting your toxic sister off, dealing with all the baggage that comes from situations like yours and moving to a new community.

You are doing great in my book. Just wanted you to know.

Stay warm :-)

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Thanks ITRR. Being stubborn helps at times.

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I’ve never been allowed to care-give our parents, eight years into needing help, as our parents only want our youngest sister to take care of their needs. I did deliver homemade meals for almost three years, until their needs changed. So I just want to say, I sincerely hope you are able to have a wonderful life, remembering what makes you happy, and gives you peace, dropping the rest. I want that for my sister, after our parents are gone, as she is only 49 now, and has never gotten her own life.

I’ve done my best to prepare myself to stay ready to help, when allowed, but it causes resentment, being retired the past eight years, and not thrilled I may be asked for help, when much older, and maybe less physically able. Our mom quit doing for herself age 55, letting her youngest do for her, very frustrating. Our parents may be gone, by the time I am asked to help, but still alive. I will evaluate whether my
help is in person, or not. They aren’t gone now, and time is being wasted, that I cannot get back, but truly, I have no control. Hardest thing I have ever done, and I got sober decades ago, stayed sober, but that’s nothing compared to memory loss disease, poor elder health and dealing with a dysfunctional family. Please do your best to make a good life for you, cause I hope my sister can too, Deb

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You are in a difficult situation but making the best of it. Having the role of caregiver thrust upon us is not easy for us nor, perhaps, for other family members. It is out of your control. I hope your sister makes a life for herself at some point. It takes work but it is possible.

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The body remembers. Face forward and put these burdens down. Better days are out there. Go get them.

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Yes the body remembers, indeed. PTSD and all that. But it is fading and I agree better days are ahead.

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Golden23, you may not see it when you look in the mirror... but you definitely wear a Super Hero cape! You are precious and you still have amazing and beautiful adventures awaiting you. I promise!
May God bless you abundantly in your new times to come.
Sincerely,
Kk :0)

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You are very kind. I do believe there are good times ahead. God bless you too.

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I appreciate your question. I have wondered what my life will be like when this is all over. I have been trying to reach the end of a nine year (going on ten) stretch of caregiving both my parents alone. I am 70 now and very tired, so is my husband who is 75. I had a major career before getting straddled with them because my four siblings didn’t want to do the work. My husband and I also still work professionally. I won’t go into the whole story. Suffice it to say it sounds the same. My mother has BPD, my father was her scapegoat - a warm, open hearted, fun loving dad who loved me and who I love very much. He is in late stage dementia now, my mother still sharp mentally and still cruel toward me. I am her junior scapegoat. I am trying to support my Dad through this last stage and then I’m done. I will turn over my mothers care to a facility. I too try to stay connected to my true self and live my life around the edges of this amid a family narrative that villainizes my husband and I. Theirs is an evil stance to take against 4 people who are suffering on many days and for so many years because of their inaction and abandonment. The narrative includes how we like to have control, cut them out, think we’re better then them, are martyrs, maniacs, and much more - the truth is the complete opposite. And not a thank you among them. I loved my family. I never expected this. I know it’s not an uncommon story. But I worry at times about what will happen to us. I lost my family because I cared about my parents having good care. Does that make any sense? Even if they didn’t want to help, couldn’t they see that this is hard, that people who make this sacrifice need emotional support and psychological safety and should be respected for the choices they make? I’m sorry you experienced this too. I understand the pain and can imagine the relief of the end. I know I have PTSD, actually complex trauma from being abused / scapegoated. I looked that up one day and found a helpful book on “family scapegoat abuse” by Rebecca Mandeville. It was great to see my life in print and that it had a name! She also writes about her research on the topic in blog posts. Recently she started a you tube channel. You might find it helpful. On the other hand, you seem to be very strong, insightful, centered, have healthy coping mechanisms and ways of being because you not only survived, but you look positively toward the future to ask the question of yourself that you have. You’ve helped me in posting what you have. I believe there is a life after this. I will be at peace too. That’s worth gold to me.

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Agree. I have a similar situation. Thank you for the encouragement.

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Starting over is hard but you did what you had to do and now its your time. Join Meet up and go hiking or go to get togethers that's a start. Take care of your health.

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It is my time. I feel that. Hiking at 85 with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia is probably not on the books, but other gentler activities are. Health has to be a top priority for sure.

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Move on from dysfunctional family dynamics that hurt you.

Perhaps professional help is necessary to help you cope with the past and present.

If you stopped working, it is now high time to return to your career. If retired, look for volunteer opportunities and do some fun things for yourself with others, meeting smiling faces.

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Counselling has helped enormously. I have a counselor and have gone for counselling off and on over the years. I worked till I was 73 while distance caregiving mother and finally had to retire as the responsibilities were too much. Fun things are planned for the future for sure. I am still working on getting this house ready for sale. It's a big job at my age(85).

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Good Morning,

Yes, yes, yes...absolutely yes you can begin again after every stage and situation in life.

It's called a "new normal". For the record, every family is the same. It's just different nationalities and names but the same players. You are not alone my friend.

I had two fabulous parents. Dad passed years ago, Mom has Lewy Body. I don't make a lot of noise but the others don't want me to know this but I do all the work. They think I haven't caught on.

I'm one of 4 kids as was common when parents married back in the 50's. Mom was a stay-at-home Mom, Sunday dinners, Church--raised in faith, private schools, summer vacation at a beach house, winter vacation at a ski resort.

Nice life--so tell me why the other kids aren't helping out? Lots of grandchildren in my family and great-grandchildren. Mom babysat all the time so people could pursue education and careers--Mom babysat for free. Yes, that's right not a penny.

Once you accept reality, then you play the hand you are dealt with. Keep a piece of pie for yourself and make sure you're not living on popcorn in your old age.

When everything is said and done you want to be still standing. Little changes can produce big results. Even just gradually. Start where you are in the neighborhood, Church. Bloom where you are planted. A library card, the local Y, shopping therapy at the Dollar Store. Cook a one-pot meal and share it with someone while it's hot (not leftovers) that lives alone. Food is expensive and people who live alone don't like to cook and eat alone. If you share homemade food, you will always have people around.

Caregiving on some days is like going to war. Some days I wake up it's Monday then all of a sudden, it's Friday. The days fly.

I found the more effort and things I do the more I am scrutinized by my siblings. I have given this 300% I kid you not. I think the siblings can't believe how much I orchestrated and they feel guilty they are not pitching in so it's just easier to diminish what I am doing.

I love my family. They are productive citizens in life and have all done well but I am so hurt and disappointed and I don't want to be the bitter sister. If they give me a hard time and I mouth off which is really what they are hoping for then they can say she is stressed out. You don't want to come undone.

Save your energy. Eat right, early-to-bed, early-to-rise, pray, call your friends, Church, keep your finances in order and your home in order. Give away things you are not using. Read, don't watch any junk on Netflix that's going to scare you before going to bed. Read and watch things that have redeeming qualities.

You sound like a great person. There are those of us that believe "Honor thy Mother and Father". Amen.

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I really appreciate you sharing, You do have to keep part of yourself aside. It was the money that my sis was scrutinizing in particular. I do know abut new normals. My youngest son was killed over 20 years ago and I had to establish a new normal then. Accepting reality is key to being able to manage this. I didn't make noise to my sister either. I just didn't want interference and put downs. It seems the sibs have no idea how much we do. I do the self care, my finances are good and I am downsizing my house for sale and moving into a condo. I hardly watch TV - listening to classical music on it now. Yes, I believe the Word. If I had refused to be POA etc. it would have fallen to my sister and in mother's own words "Your sister would not help me". I could not do that to her.

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Can we really start again? Build a new life after the storm of caregiving.

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