My dad was hospitalized for a month last summer. One doctor said he had a stroke and my dad still denies that he did. He was also diagnosed with Polymyalgia Rheumatica so there was rehab, alot of work to regain mobility.
I moved over 2000 miles in 2011 to be within driving distance of him and left a great job and good friends because I felt it was the right thing to do (I signed POA doc in 2007 and am only child with no spouse).
Before entering the hospital, Dad asked me to move back home and move in with him and be his full-time caregiver. I did this in 2009 for a year and I helped him get organized but it was disastrous on many levels. He was hostile, etc. so I moved back to where I was.
The problem now is that he was better for awhile but overall was...and is...increasingly narcissistic, belligerent, insulting and hostile. He dismissed 2 doctors and all home care and now is even saying he doesn't want me to help him anymore. He said he had vision problems last week and jumped in the car and drove 2 hrs to a specialist....I was horrified!
My attorney and all my support team recommends that I do not move back home. Living with him is out of the question for my own health I have learned. My attorney said I was entitled to reimbursement for caregiving related expenses, travel etc. My father is wealthy and even though I am POA he doesn't allow me to touch any money at all.
We quarreled over the phone last week, he hung up on me and withdrew the funds I was expecting and said he no longer wants my help. I was hospitalized last summer as well for burnout and lost my job because of it. I found another one but I am very poor and struggling to make ends meet and fulfill POA duties. He has always been very stingy about money and
balks at paying for some home care even though he could afford it.
What responsibilities, if any do I have here? Not sure his driving 2 hrs with vision problems was safe...and yet it is to the point where we cannot have a civil conversation anymore.
I feel like my life is coming apart. I had a part-time business which is very important to me (which he constantly belittles). I know he's sick and I enjoy helping him but I am sick of the abuse and am scared I'm going to lose my ability to hold a job and take care of my apartment!
What should I do?? Please don't say I'm crazy or bad...I'm trying SOO hard!!!
Thank you
Our parents didn't want this to happen, but it did. For me, the hardest part, is being sick and still having to do everything.
But knowing what all I would go through; I would still be the sole Caregiver for my parents, because if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here.
As the saying goes, "God never gives us more then we can handle." It might seem like it, but in the end; this experience has made me a better person.
I almost got to be on the Katie Couric Talk Show because of it. They picked Amy Grant the Singer. That is okay.
So if you need someone to talk to; I am here.
God Bless You and remember you are amazing; because most people wouldn't do what you do. Keep your chin up.
It is my employer i find so disheartening. There is no understanding, no support, no help. No one cares that I am showing up every day exhausted as previously noted. My job is very demanding as i am a nurse practitioner in a very busy surgical practice. I fell pulled apart by so many people who need me, yet I should be home with my Mom. Yet, if I do that, how do I keep the house and pay the bills?
I came home from work last night, got Mom something to eat and drink, gave her a snack and her meds. helped her change, lay down on my bed and woke up with the alarm at 5:45 this morning, hitting the snooze button because I still felt completely exhausted. Don't know how much more I can take. Need a job with fewer hours but still make the needed pay. i am 58 and feel like I won't see 60. The best years of my life have always been given away to someone else's needs.
I think the key work here is EXHAUSTION. How can it be helpled when there are no family members and no support systems. My boss told me that if I took time off i would have to document every hour or I could be "terminated for stealing time". I never take lunch, work on weekends when needed, and get a whopping 19 days a year off for sick time and vacation accrued at 5.5 hours each pay. The answer is probably pretty clear. Get a better job. how does one do that when they are raising their elderly and ill parent?
about what he should and should not be doing.
Contact the attorney regarding any agreed payments that you
were supposed to recieve in order to maintain your living expenses and get the attorneys advice.
Start your biz again if you can....dont even mention it if to your father if he devalues it.
Let your Dad know you did everything humanely possible to help him and that you now also need to have time to meet the responsiblities of your OWN life as well as his. Maybe you can spend less time with him so you can start taking care of yourself and see how that goes.
(take a few weeks off and rest as much as you can...do a few relaxing things and
hang in there....YOU matter just as much as your father!
Trying to work and take care of an angry old man who is agressive and resentful and pushes every attempt you make to help away ....yup, I can absolutely relate.
I can't say what your responsibilities and obligations are, only you can answer that. But I can say, take a huge step backwards and really look at the situation: you have an obligation to your own health, your own earning capacity, your own ability to pay your apartment and so step one is putting YOU back in the picture. It sounds like dad has taken the whole picture and made it all about him, and there is no you left in there at all. Put yourself back in the picture and make decisions that work for you as your first action step. Stop making decisions that force your life (whats left of it) to revolve around him.
He needs help for sure, but are you able to enforce it when he won't let you or anyone else care for him? Can you enforce your position with POA and get him admitted into a home? Is there any way you can get his medical team to enforce the next step if they know he has no caregiver? I don't know the system there in the States for this type of situation.
But ... I read your post and your cry for help, and I just wanted to reach out and tell you that he is lucky to have you in his life caring for him even if he doesn't realise or show it. HUgs and love to you today, xxxx