Why is caring for Dad my responsibility?
In December I quit my part time job and relocated my parents to a home 3 miles away from my house. Mom was on oxygen and had other health issues and Dad diagnosed with Alzheimer's/Dementia. I was at their house cleaning, laundry, shopping, banking etc.
Two months ago mom passed away unexpectedly. Dad not capable of living independently so he moved in with my husband and I. My sister was only here two weeks after mom died and now back home which is 1000 miles away.
I have found an adult day care for Dad which is goes 1-2 days a week. The daycare likes to know two weeks in advance when he will be coming which is difficult for my as I have a seasonal business which is weather dependent.
Dad can eat okay but I need to plate the food or have it laid out for him. I give him his meds, laundry, remind him to shave, brush teeth, lay out clothes etc.
He wants to help me out in my gardens but after 5-10 minutes he is off doing something else. He works on the word search book or puzzles so I can try to get some work done around house. He cannot however be left at home by himself which Is the biggest issue as my husband and I have property up north which we cannot enjoy as he constantly have to watch him. My husband comes from a large family and we drive and visit frequently which is now awkward as we have to bring Dad along.
I know there is in home care but most places want a contract signed. I want to save his money for assisted living. Bringing this up to Dad will not help as he since he has moved in his dementia is worse than we thought.
At times he ask when he is going home, he doesn't believe his age, doesn't ask about Mom.
I feel resentful as Not only is not not independent neither am I.
I try to rely info about Dad to my sister I do not know how much she believes me. She comes back to say do this or Dad really likes working in garden which he did but he has changed. I would have not though last year this would be my life now.
My husband is frustrated with Dad at times too. My husband has a woodworking hobby which Dad wants to go in his shop and help, clean up etc which is of course to hazardous.
Looking for respite care in local ALF or NH as we miss being in our home alone but it seems hard to find.
Resentlful at my sister for being able to do whatever she wants where we cannot.
No family in immediate area either.
Just feeling trapped and do not know what to do.
You might ask your sister to take Dad for 3-6 months and then make the decision together after she has real knowledge of what is going on with your Dad. Good luck!
While he might be a candidate for AL I would opt for a NH. Yes, an AL might be nicer and more inviting to your dad but in a very short amount of time you would have to move him, again, to a NH. Best to just bypass the AL and go for the NH. And by the time you have come to a decision and toured a few places and maybe waited for a bed to open up your dad will require a NH.