This has happened within the last 5 mos. Before that she was mostly independent and living on her own with me doing her shopping and taking her to appts. and occasional financial matter. Her dementia gets worse daily. She was hospitalized for her emphysema and the protocol is mega dose of prednisone which causes her to hallucinate and be disoriented. While in the hospital she falls and fractures a hip that was repaired. Went to rehab, which was a horrible experience because I couldn’t see her and had to get updates by phone. Often times they did not answer the phone and when they did, of course, everything was going Came to stay with me after that for what I thought was temporary. I turned my living room into a bedroom because she can’t navigate stairs and I started noticing that the hallucinations and disorientations were getting worse as well as her confusion. She fell while in my care that resulted in another hospital stay and no contact again. Went to rehab ( no contact). After discharge I decided to take her to her tiny apt. because I’m told that it may be helpful. It was not. I’m watching her decline daily. She also has vision and hearing issues even though she wears a hearing aid. Also, we were in prep to move her to a better apt. that has a walk in shower and wood floors which will be helpful because she spills stuff often. So, I’ve been purging and packing. That in itself is frustrating because she doesn’t want to let go of things. I do have a CNA come in 3 days a week for 4 hrs each day. I know she can’t help herself but I find myself constantly yelling as if she understands what she’s doing. She thinks she understands but she doesn’t. I have no sibs to help or any other family members that are able. I know it will come a time for her to be placed in a facility but until I’m allowed to visit whenever I want that isn’t going to happen. Mich. is still strict about nursing homes because of COVID and I don’t want that experience again. I try not to yell but it’s getting worse and I know it’s not helpful for either of us. I’m mostly venting but I’m so frustrated that I want to cry. That’s all I did was cry when she was in the hospital and rehab.
I was raised in a house where voices were never raised because my dad came from an abusive home and vowed not to repeat that with his own family. It has never occurred to me to yell at my mother, even out of frustration, because that kind of behavior is foreign to me.
You have done everything humanly possible, and nothing has been more successful than the care she received while hospitalized or in residential care during the worst of the pandemic.
You are now attempting to embark on another major upheaval for you both, with at maximum, a 50/50 shot at success.
You are a FINE PERSON who has taken on a task that no one can expect to achieve successfully without personal risk.
If you had found a good placement for her previously, revisit it to determine how it is operating now. My LO is once again accessible to me daily, at any time during the day except when she naps. I can hug her, coax her, joke with her, all the good nourishing things we BOTH missed so terribly during the lockdown.
I live in a state that was WORSE than Michigan. Check the status of your state TODAY. Don’t make your decisions on what was happening last week, OR EVEN YESTERDAY.
Please address what you can fairly accomplish on your own. I KNOW from sad experience, that you are over reaching, at risk to yourself, and minimal benefit to your mother.
I will be thinking of you, and hoping that you are working towards a plan that will be fair to you both.
BE WELL.
from AARP
"What's allowed in Michigan?
Outdoor visits are encouraged when weather permits, but indoor visits are allowed if visitors present a recent negative COVID-19 test. Facilities can only accept visitors if they've gone at least 14 days without a new case. Visitors will have their temperature taken upon arrival and must wear masks and practice physical distancing."
First aid ideas:
Step out of the room and do conscious breathing.
Say aloud "STOP!"
Put an elastic band on your wrist and snap it when you feel the pressure building.
Next:
Can you do anything about the CNA hours?
With the packing - the only way I could get round this was to box/bag things up and assure mother they were going into storage; and I wasn't lying to her, they did go into storage. But at least it got them under control. Is the apartment she's moving to larger (by volume/square footage) than this one?
What presses your buttons most, do you think? (I know it can be hard to think what *doesn't*! Hugs of sympathy).
Is it normal for a caregiver to occasionally lose their temper with the one they're caring for? Of course it is. But the fact that you say it's now all the time, is not normal, but a sign that you're at your breaking point.
Perhaps instead of hollering at your mom, you might want to try and go outside on your porch or patio, and letting out a loud scream anytime you feel yourself about to lose it. That way you won't be taking it out on your mom, as you already know that it's not your moms fault. You are instead angry with the situation, and the fact that mom is no longer the person you once knew, and that Covid is delaying the inevitable for your mom.
I hope that when you have the caregivers coming in 3 times a week(you probably want them coming more)that you are leaving the home and getting out and doing some fun things that you enjoy, as self care is just as important, if not more than the care we're giving our loved one. You certainly don't want to be in the statistics where the caregiver dies before the one they're caring for do you?
Please don't beat yourself up over this. Instead start taking care of yourself, and get out on that back porch and SCREAM!!!
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