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If you think you hate your job now wait until you make taking care of mom your job.

Waiting 2 years to get back into the job market at your age is a fools errand. Let's face it age discrimination in regards to employment is very real and none of your employers are going to care that you took off for 2 years to take care of mom. In fact that 2 year gap will be more detrimental to you.

If you hate your job start looking for a new one while still employed. It is easier to find a job when you are employed than when you are unemployed.
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MeDolly May 2022
Agree, if the poster does not like the current job, start looking for a new one.

The very last thing I would do is quit my job to care take, it is to me the worst of all options.

Spending 4 nights a week and weekends with your mother is a personal choice, if you feel stretched cut back on the visits.
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No, not paid, occasional gifts for service: food, cash for fuel that sort of thing. Call it a 'social contract'.

You are talking about a formal employment contract, with wages. Can think of many pros: obviously income for you, employment history, varied routine & hours plus also dignity for your Mother to pay her way (important to some).

Cons: 🤔 Mission creep is the biggest I think. Being a relation means you literally have more 'skin in the game'. You will be automatic backup to any other aide, delivery or service. Needs will increase / change, but you sound capable & accepting of this. (Some folk seem to imagine a cruise type existance of cocktails on the porch or something!)

I found the *blend* of roles too.. um... much. While I was happy to lend a hand, I was pulled in up to my eyeballs & nearly drowned. It would not have mattered if paid or not. It was not sustainable as boundaries were not clear or kept. I had to keep resisting which was energy sapping.

If you are clear about your boundaries & role, it may work well ☺️.

But (always a but..) I am concerned you talked of not being free until such a distant time in the future. Living where you don't want for a long time.. you could get stuck (unless the city/town/people grow on you?)

Leaving a job is big - but you want to anyway. Take 3-6 months & reassess?
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iamexhausted May 2022
Thanks so much. This was quite helpful. I know it would be hard, no illusions about that. But right now my job is hard AND I have to take care of my mother. I am with her 4 nights a week and several hours every day + weekends ... If I got rid of the annoying job, I am guessing that my life might be a bit easier. And again, everyone seems to be missing the main point of my post. The more I think about it the more I am realizing that the real issue here is my job and my unhappiness with it. I see caring for mom and being paid to do it as a worse-case scenario, in case I can't find another job ...
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In New York, don't you have to pay for COBRA, out of pocket?

This statement you made is confusing.
I would have COBRA for the first 18 months and then hope to get a job that would provide me with medical coverage after that. Otherwise, I would need to pay for health insurance out of pocket. Mom could give me 4 weeks paid vacation and go into assisted living for those 4 weeks to give me a break.

COBRA in my area is roughly $900 a month. And it is out of pocket.
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iamexhausted May 2022
It would be about $800 for me. If you read my post again, you will notice that I said I have saved up enough money to live job-free for two years. So for two years I would be able to support myself, including paying for the COBRA. After that, if I could not find a job, then I would care for mom for pay and that pay would enable me to pay for my own health insurance. Caring for mom is my "worst-case scenario" ... the intent of my post was to get advice from people who have cared for their parents for pay. It wasn't to get opinions about my plan. But thank you for your reply.
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Exhausted, don't do it. You are exhausted now, just wait.

Establish boundaries, back away from care for mom. Spend that time finding a job you will enjoy more.
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iamexhausted May 2022
It is true that I am exhausted now. But part of the reason I am exhausted is that I am working at a job that I no longer like that is 32 miles away from where I live, so driving 64 miles each day and I hate highway driving with a passion. Doing that plus caring for mom is what is making my life difficult. Can't back away from caring for mom. I am the only person she has, but I can quit the annoying job, take some time off to recover from the toxic/dysfunctional workplace, then when I am feeling better, find a new job
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Exhausted, I am so puzzled by your dilemma.

You moved to be closer to a mother who didn't provide good care to you as a kid. You are resentful and burnt BECAUSE you gave up a life, job and place you loved to provide management and oversight and now your are thinking about quitting your job to provide MORE care????

How about using mom's more than adequate funds, move her into a good assisted living facility place and hire a geriatric care manager locally? Or move mom to an AL near where you WANT to work and live?

How about you give yourself and YOUR wants and needs some consideration?

PS, if mom can go into AL for respite for a month, then she can do that while you mount a job search somewhere.
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iamexhausted May 2022
Thank you for your reply. It's all in how you look at it. I can see how absurd it sounds from your perspective, but the way I see it all options have advantages and disadvantages. The place I left is NYC, where I could not afford to buy anything. When I moved to mom's town, I was able to buy a very nice condo. Mom has always hated NYC, and I don't have the heart to move a vulnerable, elderly widow, to a place she doesn't want to be and can't afford. The ALFs in NYC are $12,000/month and up, not affordable.

In terms of her not being a great mother, no one is perfect. I have lived most of my life putting myself first and doing exactly what I wanted and to be honest, I think that is overrated.

If you read my post again, you may notice that my intention is to quit my current job and find a job that I would like for the last few years of my work life. There are no guarantees though, so I may or may not be able to find a better job. I mentioned that taking care of mom would be my worst-case scenario, in the unlikely even that I can't find a job.

The intention of my post was to get feedback from people who have taken care of their parents and gotten paid to do it.
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This is a reply to bundleof joy. For some reason there wasn't a reply link under her post. I hope you see this bundleofjoy!

To be honest, I am already burned out, been taking care of her since my father died 18 months ago and have a lot of resentment because she really didn't take great care of me when I was a child. My dad was more involved with my care. I'm an only child, so there's not much of a choice here. I have to be involved in her care. None of the solutions are perfect here. I have no more dreams left. I am exhausted. I've had to move from a place I love to be able to help her so that I am currently living in place I would rather not live, working at a job that I dislike, and taking care of her in my spare time. I have no friends nearby and very little pleasure and good times in my life. Right now my only dream is thinking about the day she passes away so I can have my life back.
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Wanted to delete this but couldn't figure out how.
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PatsyN May 2022
No need. We feel you. ❤. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. None of this is easy.
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Caring for your mother for pay may seem like the right decision, but financially it may be a bad decision. I don't think you should stay at a job where you are unhappy, but if can be very difficult to find a job when you are over 50.

My recommendation would be to leave your current job, but dedicate yourself to finding a new one. Don't think that caring for your mother is a long term solution as you will need to be financially secure for your future.
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I was a few years younger than that when I moved in with my mom "temporarily" when she needed some extra help and I was between jobs. I'd always worked a mix of low paying part time work so my room and board plus a modest salary $1000/month was plenty for me, plus as the alternative would have been mom going into some type of care facility I figured it was a win for both of us. What I didn't count on was how much my mother's health would deteriorate, and how long she would live that way. My advice is to plan for an end point, and also understand that finding work at out age after several years away may not be easy.
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iamexhausted May 2022
Thanks so much for your reply! I definitely have concerns about being able to find another job if the caregiving becomes too much, which I easily envision because, well, dementia. There are a couple of important differences in our story though. First, I would not actually be moving in with mom, that would be just too much. I live a couple of miles away, so I would be able to get away. And more importantly, mom can afford to pay me a decent salary. The going rate for caregivers in our area is $27-34 per hour, which is what she would need to pay for care. So I would anticipate working for $27/hr which at 40 hours a week is actually a decent salary. But reading your post again carefully, what really stands out is: plan for an endpoint. To me that means that I need to figure out what happens in two or three years when she needs more care than I can provide, what type of job will I be able to get at 62-63 ... or will I just need to live off social security (not enough) ... Tough decisions.
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