NOTHING makes my mother happy and if it does it lasts only temporarily. She has always been negative, whiney, complaining, self entitled, immature and unhappy for as long as I can remember. Now she is older and prefers to only rely on me. I do not relish the idea of dealing with an emotional vampire, but she is my mother and does need some help. I have limited patience with these type of people. Any ideas of how to emotionally cope with a living doomsdayer without blowing your cool?
My aunt (who I cared for over about 9 years) was probably the most negative and entitled person I've ever known. Our place was a parade of people in and out from 7am to 7pm most days; my wife, a CNA, an RN, another caregiver, meals on wheels, 2 separate therapists, church friends, and me living with her. Even with all that help, she would say "no one will help me"...but she only said it to people who didn't know her or the situation.
That led to many outsiders pointing the finger at me because of her incessant complaining. They didn't know her well enough to know she would say just about anything to get sympathy, including blatant lies.
Once, she got pouty because I would not make a special trip to the grocery store for ice cream at dinner time. She literally stuck her bottom lip out like a 5 year old and refused to eat because there was no ice cream. The next day she told a temp CNA (her regular CNA was sick that day) that I "refused to cook for her" the night before. Of course the CNA confronted me, and I lost my temper because I was tired of being blamed for my aunt's poor choices.
At the time it made me so angry and depressed. I felt like I was just another person she used and discarded without even thinking twice.
I look back now and realize that I was partly right and partly wrong about her. She used people ruthlessly and never saw it as wrong. I was a pawn to her sometimes, someone she could blame her problems on to get sympathy. She was also very sick and scared, and was trying to keep control of her life the only way she knew how; by getting other people to handle her responsibilities.
Now that she is gone, I do miss her. I don't regret caregiving, but I do regret not taking a stand and sticking up for myself from the beginning when it came to the lies and manipulation she used.
Accept her negative world view and kid her about it. "Oh, Mom, I guess you're right. A man in state X just shot 6 people." "Oh, Mom, you won't like this! A man is collecting toys for tots!"
"So how are you today? Nothing hurting? I'm glad, but I know you're not. Maybe tomorrow something awful will happen."
"Mary didn't say hello to you? That's it! Cut her off. Write her out of your will."
"You're right, mom, when you tell sis I don't do anything. I never do laundry, and I feed you peanut butter crackers and make you listen to loud rap music. You should fire me. Want me to put an ad in the paper for home health? Oops! $15 to $20 an hour! I guess you owe me (168 X $15 =) $2520 a week! I'll give you a discount. You only owe me $1000 a week for the past 6 years!"
Easier said than done, I know, but If you can really accept that she won't change, and if you expect her to say what she does, it might not bother you quite so much. Google Dysfunctional Family Bingo for more ideas.
Reminded me of the (much less hurtful) exchange between my two aunts, thus: "Darling Andy got me the loveliest ruby ring!"
"Bloody Arthur got me a washing machine."
I turned 50 this summer. My kids had a weekend away booked for me from January. If I'd known about it, I would have warned them; as it was, they'd counted on my sister being fine with looking after our mother for one weekend and (because they clearly don't know their auntie very well) they were astonished when they got a dry "No. Make other plans." My mother forgot the whole thing, which would have been fine if she hadn't taken suddenly to remembering every other significant date - her (long-deceased) mother's birthday, my partner's birthday, her own birthday (which she was convinced we'd all ignored), the cat's birthday… She has dementia, it was bad at that time. She was most likely struggling to remember and just not quite getting there. I tried not to be childish about it, but the truth is it really, really hurt.
I'm having two weekends off when I'm sixty, so there.
50 - you, young thing! Your aunts sound delightful. I do understand being very, very hurt at your mother forgetting your birthday while remembering even the cat's. I don't think it is childish - it is human. One birthday, mother got me tickets to the symphony. Sounds lovely, but they were for the symphony in the city she lives, and I don't live there, but am 5 hrs. drive away. I know her motive was to have me come down, so I could drive her to the performances. There was no way I could do it. I was working full time. I suggested she give them to someone who could use them. Narcissism at its best! By all means, have two weekends off when you are sixty. You may need them by then. ;)
However, I'd like to add that you need to have a more practical approach to dealing with your mom. You can start by understanding the reasons for their negativity. In brief, almost all negativity has its roots in one of three deep-seated fears: the fear of being disrespected by others, the fear of not being loved by others, and the fear that “bad things” are going to happen. These fears feed off each other to fuel the belief that “the world is a dangerous place and people are generally mean.”
For me the problem is . How do you ignor the complaints and How to you know what is real and what is just another way to get attention? She has CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) so some of the complaints are real..others not.
My mother has been dying since she was 35 ...she just turned 85. Whats with that? I do have help now with bathing her,but our Dept. of aging has cut back so, no respice care,etc. is available for her.I have 4 siblings that have had a normal family life for the past 20 years. I have asked them hundreds of times to step up. Not gonna happen. Really? does anyone wonder why caregivers are bitter and depressed ? While I was caring for my mother 24-7 they were going on vacations and doing family things ,my kids were sitting with grandmom watching the Price is Right. Now they want to tell me how to care for her??? I tell them take her for 1 month and get back to me. then we'll discuss her everyday care.I love her very much and when shes passes I wont feel guilty .So Coulda,Shoulda,Woulda means nothing to me. I will just walk away !
What I do not understand is why everyone "forgives" and accepts this behavior just because someone is "old"?
I suppose I’ll try hiring someone to drop by and maybe cook for him, check on him, etc. He still drives competently and visits my mom every other day in AL. He’s trying to do her errands, doc visits, etc and is keeping up but I can tell he’s tired from it, being 88 years old, I’d be tired too.
With him I’m just playing it by ear. Now that mom’s set in the AL my mind is more at rest. One day at a time.
I admit I don’t call him everyday because he’s so negative but I keep up with what he’s doing. I call mom often but it was like that since I left home at 17.