Follow
Share

I just got employed after 4 yrs of unemployment. The job isn't much, I live in no NV and there aren't any jobs. I left a high paying job and came here. I made a BIG mistake but now I'm stuck. My father rubbing it in doesn't help.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

13 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
if this is a new behavior he should be checked for a UTI. If this is a life long issue -- it is not dementia, but could be NPD or BPD. Sadly, everything we were trying to apply age to -- even though it didn't seem like the issues were just about age as they had existed long before, we have now learned about BPD.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
If a job is important for economic reasons, hang on to it. It appears that your father may then be required to go into assisted living if you are not available to help him.
I myself are in a situation that I have been unemployed for most of the 18 months I have been out and taking care of my Mom. My mother has been placed in assisted living this year after I took care of her for over 10 years while holding on to my last permanent job before I was laid off early last year. I am now living alone in our residence; Mom is paying for her own care and can no longer contribute to our two-bedroom residence, yet I cannot move because we own this property jointly, unable to sell until she passes away. Her own funds will run out in about 7 months, while mine will run out in about 7 years, unless I find steady employment.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
As the daughter of a belittling mother, I know just what babysheltie is saying. Some parents just can't resist trying to make their children feel small. I don't know why this is, because it really makes no sense. I guess the only good response to such rudeness would be, "Well, Dad, if you paid me, then I'd be making good money." :)

This is a very bad economy for the working people right now. The stock market has recovered. The number of jobs have picked up. But the average income is going down. You are not alone, babysheltie. I think it is wonderful that you got out there and found a job, and I hope that you really enjoy the work. That would make anything your father said less biting.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Sooozi and flfstrider, I love what you said. In most every parent, there is a part that does really want success for their child. It may be an extremely small part. You can activate that part by asking for advice, which hopefully will make him feel loving for a while.

Most of the negative has nothing to do with you. I know as a parent, when I get angry at my daughter's errors or faults, part of it is that her flaws "make me a bad mother." I'm taking her life as a reflection on me. It isn't. I have to try my best, and if I did, her success or failure is out of my control. So maybe he's putting his ego on the line.

Even more likely, he is pretty unhappy with his own life. Men sometimes (often) measure a person's worth by their success. No matter how successful he was, he's a failure now. No job, no career, too old and frail to play baseball with the guys, feeling dumb in the face of computers that his 8 yo granddaughter can handle. He doesn't know how to succeed by being a loving supportive person.

Does he blame himself? No. To quote my late father, "I've forgotten more than you'll ever know." You're right there, in the perfect spot for him to blame and criticize. It may be as much as 5% about you and your low wages. It's 95% about him and his own unhappiness with himself and his situation.

1. Don't take it personally.
2. Don't take it.

"Dad, why would you say such a thing to me? Are you trying to make me feel bad? Why would you want to make me feel bad?"

"Dad, you know why I moved here. You know what the job situation is like. What do you think I should do? Become a prostitute or a bank robber?"

"Gee, Dad, if I'm such a failure then why don't you get someone else to come over and do your shopping? Oh, I forgot. You'd have to PAY them."

"Dad, You can't speak to me like that. I have friends and strangers I could visit who would actually be nice to me. I'm leaving. I hope you feel a little more polite when I come back."

I suspect you're a nice person who doesn't like confrontation, so you'll need to practice a script. Don't expect logic or an apology. Say your piece, listen to his reply, and unless you get an apology, at least walk out of the room for a minute.

You know you don't deserve this.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Maybe he is just a jerk.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
The banner says Agingcare.com - Connecting people who are caring for elderly parents

It doe not specify dementia. I have been on here for several years. My parent doe not suffer from dementia. For that matter, a number of people caring for spouse with dementia, and other conditions, are on here, and are welcomed.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
My father is 87 and shows what I call "lapses into dementia". Just when my brother and I get worried that he will need full time care, he "straightens up". One of the signs he is slipping is that he will berate my brother, yelling at him for buying him the wrong size box of crackers, or for forgetting an item on his shopping list. This after my brother goes to the store for him sometimes twice in one day. Father never does that to me, but says things about me when I am not present. He was never like this before - it is obviously a result of depression after losing Mom and possibly some sort of dementia progression. It could also just be frustration at his own failings - so he lashes out at others (we are really all he has). Sometimes it seems the more we do for him, the nastier he is. We all want our parents' approval; it is difficult to see that we are grown and not only so we not need the guidance as much as we want it, but our roles are reversing and the parent is now struggling to keep some sort of control. You don't mention your caregiving role, but maybe he feels threatened that you won't have as much time or other resources to help in his care? He may also not understand the current economy if he comes from a generation where a great job was always there if you worked hard and deserved it.
I remind my brother that no parent wakes up and says "how can I make my child miserable today?" Something is wrong. Give yourself credit for the good you do and don't take the negative as a personal attack.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Ferris we don't know why babysheltie moved to Nevada so cut her some slack.
She came her for the answer to her question. Isn't that why we are here to help others.
The short answer is we don't know. The long one is that maybe he is disappointed in her for not using her qualifications to get a better life for herself than the one he achieved. He may not be putting it kindly but I hear concern. It could also be nastiness we just don't know. So I would just tell dad to talk about other things. You don't like the low pay either but it is better than nothing and you will find a better paying job when you can. In the mean time you are taking care of yourself and not asking him for money
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Congratulations on the job! Considering how the economy has been over the last 4 years, and moving to an area where jobs are scarce, I think you are certainly to be applauded!
I am so sorry about your Dad. I know this is hurtful to you. So, you must establish boundaries with him. This is not a topic that he is allowed to discuss with you, or any other topic in which he is not 100% positive and supportive. By listening, or allowing him to talk about it, you are enabling him to abuse you, whether he is mentally impaired or not. I went through similar with my own mother, and I firmly believe that we teach people how to treat us.
I know it isn't easy, but I wish you the best!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
This forum is for caregivers with someone with dementia, so I really don't understand why you are asking about a family dispute. Don't allow your father's statements to ruin your life. Get your own life, and don't talk to him unless he can show you some respect.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Maybe in a twisted sort of way, he hopes the best for you. He has NO idea how to be supportive and is trying to be the daddy bear, pushing you to strive to live the best possible life that he sees for you.

As a parent, I know I don't always say the right things to my sons. Years after I say something hoping to encourage them, they share with me how upsetting my words were.

Try to sit down with your dad and tell him you know he wants the best for you and that you are trying. Ask him if he has any concrete suggestions for you. Ask him for his advice in a calm way.

One day, those words of advice will be all you have left of him.

When I was 40 and single, I asked my dad what I could do to find a man... what was his best advice? I had a good job at the time and he told me, 'honey learn to cook'. I was stunned! Really? I worked so hard to get my graduate degree, to be financially independent... really? I almost cried. I walked to the kitchen sink, stunned. Then he said, "and learning to clean and keep a nice house is important too."

Today, I remember those words and he was right, a little bit. He also told me to save my money. He gave me lots of tid bits, amid yelling and nastiness and insults... Today, I rely on the words of wisdom he shared. He didn't know how to be a good parent, but I tried to help him, by sitting down with him (once in awhile when I was feeling particularly strong) and asking him for his advice.

That made him SO happy! (In the back of my mind, and I also eventually told him, I am asking for advice, but that doesn't mean I have to take it. I am an adult and will do what's right for me at the end of the day)

I hope this is helpful. Think of him as a confused guy, who wants to be a good parent, but has no clue how to do that and when it comes out, instead of being helpful it's hurtful... but he really deep down, may be trying to help you for the long run.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
if this is new behavior, your father needs a medical evaluation to rule out medication problems or a new medical problem. if it's not new, and he doesn't have a medical problem, well, sometimes parents are just human and therefore not always nice. it sounds like you're also depressed about the job itself; for career advice I recommend the Ask a Manager blog. If he has diagnosed dementia, this is just another of the random comments you will have to let slide. It's hard, but you learn to let go. Deep breathing helps, as does not engaging in the discussion. If he starts in about the job, just start talking about something else; the weather. Odd, but it works for me!

Good luck and good wishes.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I would venture to say he's really mean or has dementia, or both. I approve father would do that. A narcissist will. I'm so sorry. A kind person doesn't kick someone when they're down. Ignore if you can. It's not about you. It's about him.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter