Dad is 80, he and I have always been hunters. The past few years he goes to deer camp but doesn't even get out (He cooks). The last few years I went (got tired of being the valet) I had to help him put on and tie his boots for him. We had some of the same issue with my grandfather which my uncle did a lot of work to keep him going. So now dad wants to go hunting near where I live and conned a friend to show him a place. The trouble is it is a walk into the woods and dad can't even walk through the kitchen without holding on to something or use his cane. We had this discussion at dinner the other night and it was "I'll use a cane". Right, "good, you will use a cane to walk a mile into the woods and carry your gun and a chair?" as I told him "I will be the one to have to come get you out". He didn't listen. Then it was "did you order my license?" I don't know what to do at this point. I have done everything I can short of telling him an absolute no. If I do I am the troubled son... The family doesn't talk to me now so I'm not losing much. He wants to drive 8 hours to camp. I am against it but I can't stop him. I know just going and not event getting out doesn't bother him, he like to get away and be with his friends but the long drive (he breaks it up and the fear of him falling in the woods gives me pain). I know the family and friends will look out for him but times have changed. So what do I do? tell him no? I keep putting everything off but only for so long. My hope is that he wants to think he is going but knowing how he is he wont go at the last minute. A few years ago I spent a lot of money flying him west on a last big trip for him and me. Cost me thousands. He did about 2 hours of fishing on a 8 day trip.... At least I enjoyed my part but he fell and got hurt the first day..... but he sure went out to dinner every night on my dime! Dammed if I do dammed if I dont.
I would think of every physically challenging aspect of the trip and have him get prepared for it. Then you don't have to worry about him falling in the woods and you can enjoy the time he is gone. Use the hunting trip as the incentive he needs to keep fit and keep busy. Pull all his gear out and weigh it. If the therapist comes to your home they can more readily see what the trip entails and his current living environment. Medicare will pay for the therapy. Tell his doctor that he's surfing the furniture and having mobility issues, possibly his balance is off and he needs to be assessed by a therapist. Tell your dad you will help him order his license as soon as he gets started on the therapy. Maybe he should take the SIL with him on the trip? Win win.
As far as the father and the hunting trip? Don't give him $ and don't enable him in any way. I don't see tgengine hauling his father to the doctor to get therapies that the father probably won't even cooperate with (right?) as worth tgengine's time and trouble.
But I guess what will happen is that tgengine will drive his father to the camp, give him $, or whatever the father wants. The more time that elapses, the more that things stay the same.
If only you could talk this forcefully to your son-in-law!
tg, everyone on this forum is rooting for you. What I failed to remember is that in your case it is extremely difficult for you to make any sort of change. I know you mostly left a few months back (except for some posts in the dysfunctional families area) because someone referenced some of your old posts and pointed out that things were the same as quite a while before. You didn't like that being pointed out.
When I was a telephone crisis counselor many years ago, there was a type of caller that was characterized as "poor me, ain't it awful, yes but..." I should have recognized you in that description. I am not one to offer constant "tea and sympathy," but rather like to point out the obvious. Yes, I can be rather brusque.
Since I now know that you really don't want advice from people, I will no longer respond to your posts. All the best to you and your wife, and I hope you can find some peace in your situation.
As far as dad I have no choice, he is here. Siblings do not talk to me, family has pretty much shunned me due to what ever he tells them. I try to talk to him, ask him but he continues to do what he wants. Sure I have said I have no money, then he gets overages and then I have to cover. Sure I can let him go but someday it will be MY problem.
Trying to help my daughter along. Outside of saying "get out, get a place I have no idea what to do". Trust me, we have been talking and coming up with ways to help but He is a loser and she is my daughter. If I leave it up to him they will be in a sh*t hole like their first year of marriage. He would be happy and her miserable. Until she sees the light not much I can do. We try to help with getting them direction, giving them the right people to talk to so they can get a place. We have found places for them. So again outside of giving my daughter whom I love the boot not sure what to do. He is worthless so I would kick him out in a second but I have to intend her.
I have tried everything with dad, talking about cleaning the floor, leaving cleaning supplies in the bathroom for him to clean up after he pees on the floor. Tough love doesn't work like some wold say. I need to learn to use tools to help them all understand. Doing reading, research on how to deal with this all. Just plain saying it to their face doesn't work, for some reason they dont hear me,. its like talking to the dogs... get the same dumba** look...
You are not going to like what I have to say so stop reading here.
I suggest your head all your posts in capitol letters: I AM JUST HERE TO VENT. DO NOT SUGGEST SOLUTIONS AS I WILL JUST CONTINUE WHAT I AM AND HAVE BEEN DOING FOR YEARS.
It seems to me obvious you cannot or will not act on the help you have been offered. It sounds to me that you are just here to express the old "woe is me, I'm so alone and misunderstood!"
Nothing is going to change until and unless YOU make up your mind. That being said you need professional help which you seem not to be prepared to undertake.
Like most of the people who want to be of some help I empathize with your situation and would offer the same suggestions as the others but you, apparently it seems to me, do not really want to overcome your problems.
"I need to learn to use tools to help them all understand. Doing reading, research on how to deal with this all. Just plain saying it to their face doesn't work, for some reason they dont hear me,. its like talking to the dogs... get the same dumba** look... " Of course they "don't hear", why should they, they have heard it so many times they know it means nothing, nothing is going to change.
To me you are beginning to sound like you're trolling. Get real, get off your duff or let everyone know for sure you are not going to change.
You have a very tough situation; I wish you much luck with your family.