The stress from his care is gonna kill her. My father is 89 yrs old. He's had three strokes a few years ago, he has severe dementia and can't get around very well. He can no longer do much of anything for himself. He'll be bed ridden for days, then there are days when he wanders around the house late at night,as best he can, and even wanders outside. His behavior is very erratic, to say the least. He soils himself, his bed, and his bedroom floor almost nightly. He's also terrified of the tub and hasn't bathed in months. My mother is 84 and is reasonably independent. She is his primary caregiver, even though I do help out around the house when I can. She has stopped taking him to his scheduled appointments with his doctor and coumadin nurse because she has too much trouble getting him out of bed. His doctor has suggested that he may need to be put in a facility, and to take him to the ER to be evaluated, but she won't do it. I'm afraid that the stress from taking care of him, and dealing with his erratic behavior might be taking a toll on her health. I don't want to lose her, too. She acknowledges the fact that he needs to be in a nursing home, but yet she refuses to take the necessary steps to make it happen. I'm not exactly sure why. For his own health and her's too, he has got to be admitted to a facility. Everyday he gives my mother reasons why this needs to happen. My question is-do I or my siblings have any options here? Is there anything we can do to make this happen? I would hate to go over her head on this, but I'm afraid HER health might be at stake, as well as my father's.
xo
-SS
My wife is in a nursing home...For awhile she "insisted" on being in a recliner (LazyBoy) and never in bed. The nurses and aides graciously cooperated and took care of her anyway, and being paralyzed on one side, this included changing her several times a day. I could see how difficult it was for them and "knew" it would be better for my wife and the staff to have her in bed. She did not want to do it, however...Finally, I lied to her and said the doctor ordered that she MUST be put in bed for two weeks to see how her symptoms would react. She reluctantly agreed. After a few days she had gotten used to it and I lied again and said the doctor said it had to be that way for another month...She accepted it. Soon enough I said my Lazyboy at home had broken and I wanted to take hers home rather than buy a new one. She was fine with that..That was five years ago. She has been in the bed ever since.
Sometimes a lie is not all that bad as I see it.
I am thinking you may be able to have your doctor "order" that he try out a nursing home for its therapeutic purposes, whatever.
Grace + Peace
Bob
The situation you describe cannot go on much longer--and it won't.
In the meantime, repeat the serenity prayer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If your mother's resistant to that idea, too - which she may be, because at this point her overwhelming fear is possibly that he will be "taken" from her and she's determined not to let that happen - then you need to point out that if she wants to stay in charge, she has to *take* charge by getting more help.
I had the same issue with my Mom back when my Dad had a heart attack, she did not want him to go into a rehab center to get better, so she brought him home from the hospital. She found out quickly she couldn't pick him up when he fell [he was very weak] and couldn't help him up the stairs for the night so they slept in the living room, etc. She was 90 when this happened. What was she thinking?
Mom even made it difficult for the visiting nurses and the physical therapist. They all felt so very uncomfortable being in my parents house as Mom would be glaring at them. And she even didn't want grab bars placed in the bathroom, that would ruin the tile. First day Dad came home he could barely walk even with the walker, so I moved his recliner to be closer to the power room... good heavens, what a battle with Mom as the recliner didn't look good there. First time I ever raised my voice to Mom "this isn't about you, it's about Dad".
Dad did survive all this, whew. But I was on pins and needles waiting for the next crises. The next ER visit with Dad, he finally got into rehab for that condition.
It's not an ideal plan. Your dad may not end up in the ER and your mom may continue to not admit him to a facility. In that case give your mom all the support she needs. Her life isn't easy caring for your dad.
Your mom may not have dementia but her judgement is not strong. My mom is 84 and sounds much the same. The quickest route to resolving this would be to call 911 at the next crisis, ask to see the social worker at the hospital and explain that Dad cannot come home. If you get resistance from the hospital tell them you will call Adult Protective Services.
APS may be the only route if Mom is mentally competent but in denial. She still has the legal rights here until APS or a court says Dads health is in danger.
This is the worst time. That tipping point where our folks can clearly not deal with their own care any longer, are stubborn and in denial but still legally competent. I'm just waiting for the next crisis with my folks.