My father has dementia. My mother has been dead for 25 years. Lately he will suddenly start asking for her demanding to know where she is and when she will be back. No specific time or frequency just randomly it might happen today and not again for weeks or it could happen again tomorrow. Please don't think I'm trying to be cruel but I'm at my wits end. My mother did not have friends she was very much a loner and did not work or travel so telling him she's visiting someone is instantly seen as a lie. If I say I don't know where she is or when she will return he wants me to help search. If I tell him she is out doing errands he doesn't let go of it and when she doesn't show up in a few hours we're back to the searching again or if its very late he doesn't believe. If I tell him the truth that she's dead he calls me a liar and accuses me of hiding her and says God is going to punish me severely for saying that. I'm recovering from injuries from a car accident and he says my pain is God punishing me he will make me a cripple and worse for saying she's dead. Saying she's in heaven is not a comfort and offering to prove I'm not lying just gets more ugly talk and accusations. Please believe me I'm not trying to hurt him and I'm so so sorry if it makes him relive pain of her passing but I don't know what to say nothing works. I've tried but I can't distract him with TV or change of subject. He won't let go and just goes on about how cruel I am and accusing me of hiding her. Full disclosure I did not have a happy relationship with my mother she was a very cold person and was ashamed of me because I was emotional so that makes this even harder on me. And my father has always had a tendency to see their marriage through rose colored glasses. Does anyone have any suggestions to help when this happens? Thanks in advance. Jean
HIS “TRUTH” is what is caused by his progressively damaged brain, not the “facts” There are NO LIES in dementia care, by either the dementia victim, or by the caregiver.
The victim is FIRMLY ENTRENCHED in his own continuing flawed belief system, and you are out of kindness providing comfort and peace for him, whether factual or not.
You need NOT enter his detailed (dementia based) conversation. If he fails to stop, use earphones, distance, activities, whatever.
He no longer understands any of what he is saying.
If he lives with you (hopefully not) “Oops, Sorry Dad I just heard the washing machine e go off. Gotta put the wash in the dryer.” “Making a grocery shopping list, Dad. Be with you in a minute.
If he doesn’t live with you, “Oops I forgot I had to (mow the lawn, pick up the canary from the groomer’s, make the meatloaf, etc.)” give a quick hug, say I love you, AND LEAVE.
You are not obliged in any way to suffer this. DO NOT SUBJECT YOURSELF TO THIS.
If you have not spoken to a counselor about your family history it might be very helpful for you to do so. Be sure to choose someone gentle and compassionate. With targeted counseling you may be able to become more objective about that cause(s) for his outbursts and lack of logical, rational thinking.
Please take good care of yourself. The damage of dementia makes victims of both the victims themselves and their caregivers too.
You don't mention in your post and I'm not familiar with your back story - are you caring for your father at home? Or is he in memory care? You mention that he requires you to help him search for her if you can't produce something distracting enough for him, so I'm suspecting he's not in memory care, so I'm wondering if his dementia has potentially progressed to the point where memory care might be something to consider now as well?
When these situations occur, and he gets upset that you can't find her - you mention that he calls you a liar - do things escalate - I guess what I'm asking is does he get violent or anything along those lines that would make YOU fearful of him during these episodes?
Are you noticing these times that he is asking for her increase? Or other behaviors like this increase?
I would certainly pass this information on to his doctor and see what they can do to help. As Geaton mentioned there are medications that can help.
Is he currently on any meds for anxiety? If not, please consult with his doctor for info and options.
You've tried telling the truth but this doesn't work for people with dementia since they no longer have reason and logic as tools.
You've tried "therapeutic fibs" and distraction but he is too paranoid.
None of it has worked.
Have you tried shrugging your shoulders and saying, "I don't know" and then asking him where *he* thinks she is? See where that goes. I don't have any other suggestions except to walk out of the room or house and then wait for him to get out of the loop.
I'm so sorry you are gong through this. Dementia is so hard.