My dad won't accept that he's losing his memory and refuses help. What can I do?

I agree with Isn't Easy. Look after yourself first, learn to switch off from your Dads issues. Get plenty of sleep, concentrate on your work. Those things will help you conserve energy to cope with your father. When you stop getting 'on his case' about moving to a nursing home to be your mother, he might come around to your way of thinking. If he gets nasty to you and others around him, walk away, don't give the attention he is wanting. Don't argue with him, ignore the outbursts. Remember, your sanity comes first. Your father doesn't see his behaviour as challenging, it is normal to him. Therefore, you have to develop strategies to cope with his issues. All the best in dealing with your Dad. Arlene Hutcheon

I just thought of something, and I'm very surprised I haven't seen a car on the market with dual controls. If airplanes can have them, I don't know why cars don't because the passenger can take over in the event of an emergency just like they can get a plane. Maybe if a special car was designed to let some people with some lower levels of disability still drive but with another licensed driver in the other seat, this would be something car manufacturers can look into. I'm surprised this kind of car does not already exist.

Another thought is that if your dad insists on driving, I'm surprised that there's not some kind of fake controls for the passenger seat so that your dad may think he's driving (even though he's really not). You may actually look into this idea and see if a car see if a car modification may be an option at least for a fake set of controls in the other seat to at least give your dad some kind of comfort. I can tell you right now he really doesn't want to give up his freedom, and this is exactly why he's fighting you, (and I think anyone would).

Thank you to everyone that posted replies. I truly appreciate it and don't feel alone in this struggle. My brother and I both have financial and medical POA's, but try and let our parents make as many decisions as possible. There is an assisted living facility connected to the nursing home with my mom and hope we can talk him moving there, however that hasn't worked so far. I live 4 hours away and my brother is a little over an hour away, but we do have a lady we've hired on weekends to take him out to see mom. Hopefully things will begin to improve soon. Everyone take care out there!

I don't see the need yet for conservatorship (guardianship). Has he hurt anyone or himself? Is he trying to drive without a license. Eventually the authorities may convince him he simply doesn't meet the qualifications to drive. If he is creating a nuisance, maybe they will have some suggestions. I wonder why he doesn't want to move in with your Mom? Is there a way to find a more appealing location?

Also worth noting Dad was either too proud and/or too forgetful to ask for rides, even though my stepmom was around and there are friends in the area who would be willing to give him rides.

My 91yo dad lost his license three years ago after a car accident (no serious injuries to people or property), and he has talked weekly about getting his license back (but has never acted on it). Insists he doesn't have Alzheimer's or dementia (but completely unaware of his shorter-term memory issues, eg, asking the same question six times in one phone conversation). Big question for me is I'm not sure whether I should tell him (and I don't know what his doctors have said directly, as I'm in Detroit and he and my stepmom are in Cape Cod). Went into the hospital with blood clots a couple of weeks ago, and we have apparently gotten him into a pretty good assisted living facility (with a former neighbor--and fellow Republican--living right across the hall); the combination of cognitive issues, incontinence, and inability to manage his meds is more than my stepmom can handle, even with help from outside. Stepmom hasn't moved in with him yet, but that's expected this summer, and she visits daily. Hoping he will get to feel fully 'settled' there.

I read all the posts you got and i do not feel the need to talk more about my own family's experience, because you have wonderful advices. I you choose to leave your father on his own for your own sanity, it is so important, i would suggest to help him first organize his house in a more simpler way: minimize his belongings so that his fading memory deals with less. We "declaustered " my mother's house to make remembering where her useful things are. It helped. We understood that trying to convince her was a lost cause. Reality did its part. Maybe you could tell your dad to call you if he cannot manage for sth but for a while, i too believe that backing off is a good idea.
The mean side they develop usually pass. No point to go out when a storm is raging. It is often better to wait till it is safer and more manageable for you. It is not selfishness, it is self preservation.

Can you hire a reputable homecare/companion to drive him around? Maybe having his own chauffer may ease his frustration and continue his independence (and you have someone to make sure he is ok). My dad has parkinsons. It was a small battle once his reflexes were not the same to convince him. Eventually he understood. I was lucky it was a short battle. Hope this helps. Hugs to you. It is not an easy road that's for sure.

I feel for you. When my dad's memory started acting up, several times he got mad at me for insisting that something that happened did not happen. Anger is going to be the norm, i fear. My dad stopped driving on his own when I was travelling with him and he hit orange cones on the highway. I found dents on his car, but he did not know how they happened.

Ready2giveup, you say your dad is no longer driving, so that's good. It doesn't sound as if he will be able to get them restored.

Since he seems intent on doing something with his time and may be rather manic since the dementia is progressing, I might try to get him involved in something. Granted, that is challenging and may require constant reminding. Would he do well in an Assisted Living setting? Maybe the NH doesn't appeal to him because he doesn't need skilled nursing care. It may seem too boring to live there.

What if you discussed a plan with his doctor that involved encouraging him to begin with some therapy for his fractured leg, even though he may be healed now, and also medications, nutrition, memory exercises, etc. All these things could be provided and supervised at the Assisted Living facility. AND he might believe that with improvement, he might get his license back one day. I wouldn't disagree with him if he thought that. It's likely he will forget about driving as the dementia progresses. He may also have the chance to socialize with other seniors and go on outings, picnics, etc. If his time was occupied he might settle down a little. His doctor may also prescribe some meds to help him if he is too anxious and the AL staff would administer it.

My loved one agreed to go to AL on the belief that she would have her health and memory restored. Of course, she soon forgot about that and actually liked living in AL. There are enough activities to keep a resident busy.

Just be grateful the DMV won't re-issue his license. Does he still have his keys? Lack of a license won't stop some elders from driving. My husband had to remove a part from his nearly blind and deaf uncle's car to keep him from driving. He had an endless supply of extra keys.

I read the original post and I also suggest, as hard as it is, to detach for a while. (I would take him to a neurologist first for an evaluation and get him on some medication.) Do you have POA, etc? As long as he isn't driving, let him get on the bus, let him complain to the police or the motor vehicle department. They should know who they're dealing with by now. If he's lucid enough to get on a bus to visit your mother, he will be OK at home for a while. Put food in his refrigerator and come over to do his laundry and clean up a little once a week. (take the knobs off the stove!)

And don't take his outbursts or odd behaviors personally, it's the deteriorating brain speaking. I say this because we naturally try to argue back, to point out the obvious, to reiterate what has been said a million times before. But there is no use in this, you can't be logical. They will just start up all over again.....

Something will give someday, this is the toughest time of this disease, and when that happens, you can get guardianship or hire help to keep him in his home for a while longer, go to plan B. You have my sincere sympathy, it will get worse before it gets better, good luck.

I was so upset with these issues and my husband's children accepting his version of life from far away and not mine, that I wrote a book to help other caregivers get the support I didn't get. It is called Put That Knife Away. It's on Amazon.

"Ready-to-give-up", you are in my prayers today. We have all been down the path you're on and it's the most difficult thing I've ever been through. I'm writing to offer you hope. Our family just went through this last year. In June of 2014, over a period of a few weeks, my mom suddenly couldn't remember who her children were, began seeing people who weren't there, and could not safely be alone. It came on suddenly and caught us totally unaware. My dad is a good man, but an alcoholic whose drinking got totally out of control as the situation got worse. We had taken away his driver's license and car earlier after 3 accidents over several years, and he was extremely angry. I had been going to their home every day for quite a few years helping take care of things, which evolved to care of them, the house, the finances, the dog and the property/yardwork. In Feb. 2015 when my dad had 2 heart attacks and complex emergency surgery, his dementia and anger became much more extreme while in the hospital; and he was totally unable to safely return home. Long story short we managed to move them together into assisted living. It was a hellish year. The key for us was the help of the doctors, nurses, and the assisted living team we worked with, beginning with the family doctor and doctors at the hospital who supported us. With their help we got both of them on medications, and were referred to a wonderful gerontologist who evaluates them every two months and adjusts the medications as needed. But I have to say, without dad's medical crisis and hospitalization, we might never have been able to budge him from his home. With the doctor's help, we moved him directly from the hospital to residential rehab to assisted living. During the transition I've dealt with siblings who were angry and not willing to help, friends of theirs who didn't understand why they couldn't come back home, lawyers to update their POA's and other documents, and maintained their home until I could clean it out and sell it to pay for the assisted living (a process that took 7 months - guess who paid the bills until the house sold?) Finally, after a year of anger and multiple daily crazy phone calls, doctors visits and 2-hour roundtrips to the assisted living several times a week, things have slowly begun to calm down. My parents seem to have turned a corner. The anger has faded away. Dad has stopped trying to "escape" (he wears an alarm monitor on his wrist 24 hours a day.) With the alcohol gone and the right medications, he is emerging as a much calmer person who accepts that he can't care for my mother by himself, and is actually thinking of their assisted residence as "home". My mother's medications have helped her memory a surprising amount, and minimized the delusions. Her moods tend to mirror dad's, so as he is calmer, she is calmer. Since the bills are now covered by the proceeds of the house sale, the siblings have calmed down, and have all come around to recognize that the move to assisted living was necessary. Things aren't perfect, but I feel as if we've been underwater in the darkness for many months, and we're finally emerging into the light again. I found this website in the very beginning of our journey, and reading these posts not only taught me a great deal but helped me keep my sanity. I still read here every day. I never realized before how many people are struggling with all these issues - just knowing you're not alone can be a huge comfort. I hope you are able to find a doctor/social worker/attorney/pastor who can provide you some support and guidance to work through this situation and get your father the help he needs. God bless you, and keep us all posted on your progress.

I see what's happening from your description, he's fighting to keep his freedom. If he's been driving his whole life, it will be hard to get someone to give it up. The longer they've been driving, the harder it will be to take the keys. What I would suggest during this time if he insists on not moving to a memory care facility, you may try a simple little trick of starting him on coconut oil. It's been said to restore memory and improve symptoms

Perhaps you can find an assisted living facility that will accept your mom into nursing care, as well. That way your Dad can be in a "less dreary" place, with more of his things from home, but still able to be with your mom?

Good luck. You are not alone!!!

Lots of hugs, the hardest struggle ever...

I agree with some of the other contributors. Take a break! However before you do search your area for a Certified Care Manager at www.caremanager.org . They can provide an assessment for your father and determine his abilities and where he will have the highest quality of life. You could also utilize a Certified Dementia Consultant from www.positiveapproachtocare.com . Both of these individuals will come to your fathers house. Finally most larger hospitals have a center for gerontology that also do Dementia Screenings. The reality of any 1 of these 3 professionals demonstrating to your father where he is at and what he can do to improve his life can be beneficial and reduce the conflict between you and your father. Leaving you to simply be his daughter again. Let the healthcare professionals direct his healthcare.

JohnnyJ has good point. When you take away their transportation, you need to provide acceptable alternatives. If they are unable/unwilling to take public transportation, you need to take on the role of getting them to their appointments and running their errands, not to mention just getting out for the sake of it. It's more than you think it will be.

Agree with IsntEasy. You have to look at it from your Dad's perspective. He's losing control of his life. He was (probably) the breadwinner and raised kids. Think how helpless you would feel if someone took your car away and you had to depend on others to go anywhere or do anything - at their convenience. What if you suddenly realized you needed milk for breakfast? Our dads don't want to become burdens. They don't want to be always asking for help. The fact that your father is able to take the bus to visit your mother everyday indicates to me that his dementia might be very mild. Don't blame him for not wanting to move to a nursing home. My father has more severe dementia and still lives alone but we are supplementing it with companion care and the next step is assisted living. He still has his license and car but doesn't really drive because his doctor and OT both told him his reaction time isn't good enough. Thought he might fail the eye exam but he finally agreed to cataract surgery. I've told him the other drivers are unpredictable in the city and he would feel awful if he caused someone else injury or death. Others have told him it might cost him everything if he has an accident. I've made a deal with him that he can drive only if I am in the car (and that would be only on side streets), but I end up doing the driving because he has trouble walking. He's frustrated because he also used to just hop in the car and drive to my house if he didn't know what to do with himself. The last time he did it, he overshot my house and was on his way to a neighboring state. I'm hoping he will give his car to my sister. Others tell me I should just sell it outright but I would be very upset if someone did that to me. Can you find some compromises? And don't expect your Dad to do it all by himself. Take his hand and go through it with him.

When my friends continued to drive after their licenses were revoked, I phoned Adult Protective Services to ask what I should do. They sent a lady out to evaluate them and I made sure I was at their condo first. I explained that someone had phoned APS and this lady was coming and that she had to do this. The husband sounded very credible for the first couple of minutes and then began repeating himself. When she asked how they got their groceries, he said they drove, of course. She then asked, "You know your licenses are revoked, right?"
Big surprise--"They are?" She later asked the husband what he thought they should do with their car if they can't drive. He quickly responded that they should sell it and get their money out of it. At that point, I was able to get the keys away and move the car to a friends garage to later sell it. I then took on the duties of driving them for groceries, appointments, out for a walk by a lake, etc. until I got them to move into a memory care apartment in an AL facility. I do have POA for their finances and health care and am a signer on their bank accounts so I can do things on their behalf behind the scenes. APS was key to getting the keys and car away. Once the car was gone, there was no more talk about driving. The husband is still in denial that he has a problem, but his short term memory is so bad. The AL facility is starting to give him depacote to see if it will help calm him and allow them to help him since he often resists their care and ushers them out of his apartment when they come about taking a shower or something. The wife has since died. Thankfully, the husband likes where he is and doesn't talk about living on his own. He has made friends with the people he eats his meals with, but prefers to spend his time in his apartment with his newspaper and TV and seems happy with this. He is thankful I am taking care of everything for him, though he has no idea what that entails. We have been friends for a long time and I look at being able to do this as a privilege. But, I really need the support of the AL community to do this. I could not do it on my own.

I feel for you I've been there done that and doing it now. MIL swears because she HAS a license she is capable of driving. She hasn't been able to drive safely for 20 years. Her grand daughter tells her " get off the wake up bumps". But I find that offering to drive her somewhere works most of the time. As for the memory loss Don't want to harp on it. Getting old and forgetting stuff is hard on all of us but loss of independence is harder for them to deal with or accept. I agree with wolflover place the blame on others, it's not you I'm worried about ( little white lies can't hurt) but its the other drivers . I tried to tell my MIL , unsuccessfully that she could not only kill herself but someone else too and it went in one ear and came out her mouth very loudly that she had been driving for years and no one would take that away from her, even though her Dr says no. So I (white lie) blame it on her eyes.

FIRST - protect yourself! You sound like you're at wit's end. Take a break from dealing with dad. Detach for a while. Leave him to do what he does and let the world deal with him. If you can find someone, meet with a family therapist (one who understands dementia) to talk about how you can preserve your own health and more effectively deal with dad.

The obsession with driving is about more than just getting behind the wheel again. My dad was driving aimlessly every day before we managed to get him to stop. His aimless driving (like taking a 30 mile ride just to drive past an old friend's house) was more about boredom. Many of his friends were dead and the ones that weren't sadly just weren't coming around much as his dementia progressed.

Boredom is the root cause of many of the troublesome behaviors that we tend to attribute to lots of other reasons. Get your dad 'un-bored.' This is easier said than done. For my dad, a senior day program (that provided a ride) really helped. It's tough for men, because they tend to not be as open-minded about trying new things. Be insistent and detach if he doesn't cooperate.

Also, I don't blame your dad for not wanting to move into a nursing home (even to be with mom). It can be a pretty dreary place to live if you don't need that super-high level of care. He sounds like a candidate for assisted living, where the lifestyle is a lot more lively than at a skilled nursing facility. Go look at a few, pick one you like and take him to see it (set up the visit in advance with the community so they can do everything they can make sure it's successfully).

I understand so much what you are going through! I would say that when dementia sneekd in somebody's life is one of the most difficult thing for an ederly to experience. As difficult is what their children are going through when caring for them. My family went through the same process. It is a process, with its milestone. We used the help of the social worker, and we supported ourselves (10 children taking an active part in it!), and it was so painful for our hearts and nerves. It took us 2 years to convince OURSELVES that a home for elderly was the answer. It took 2 years for our mother to accept our guidance without feeling she was loosing the control over her own life . She was still a bright woman but gradually losing her memory. She was fighting for her independance like a little child wants so much to do things by himself. We learned a lot about aging and dementia. I am in a hurry so i will get back to you, all of you who are going through these difficult moments in our families. I believe that what we felt and shared and understood might be of some help in crossing this difficult period with love and respect on both sides. Until them, pray God to give you strength to keep love in your family. It is not only your father you are trying to help, but yourselves to learn what aging means because it will also happen to you. Think of hiw you will want to be helped. You are preparing your heart and your mind for facing aging with love, respect and dignity. Respect your own self in the process.

I don't know if this will work or not, but I did this with my dad (however he never called cops or DMV to get drivers license back). I explained to my dad that even though he feels capable of driving, there are others on the road that are too dangerous and could cause "your dad" harm, there are so many changes now and its the other drivers that worry you about harming your dad. Put the blame on the other drivers and see what happens. (or somehow dismantle something in the car without his knowledge that way it won't start).

I have nothing to add except to say I wish you some moments of peace through this difficult time.

Ready2giveup, you must be going through agony. We’re with you on this –others here have experienced similar situations. I’m so sorry.
When an elder can do so safely, I complete support them living where they want to live, but your dad is showing signs of dementia. Try a neurologist first if you haven't. Maybe there will be some help in that direction. Some older people will listen to a doctor when they won't listen to anyone else. Write the neurologist a letter ahead of time with the details you've given us (and more). Then go to the appointment with your dad.
If he won’t cooperate, hard as it is, you may have to force the issue through adult protective services. As was mentioned, if you must guardianship may be the answer, but that is slow and can be expensive and generally involves lots of hostility - not that APS is better in that way.
Please update us if you can. We’d like to know that you are making progress – for your sake.
Carol

maybe asking his dr. for some anti anxiety in a low dose might be enough to get him over the edge. my MIL responded positively after she was fighting everything at times. she belonged to AAA and was calling them to rekey her car b/c we had taken the keys away. it did pass and she has done fairly well.

All good answers. I am keeping a list now on husbands behavior to give to his doctor. He should not be driving. Yes they are hard to live with. Detach from them and it is easier on your health.

Sometimes I am perplexed and distressed but the overarching knowledge that God is in control keeps me from being despondent, or having no hope. You are under much stress. You will make it through. Thank you for sharing your dilemma....It tells me above all that I am not the only one and that this too shall pass.
Grace + Peace,
Bob